美国国家公共电台 NPR--Comedian Rob Delaney finds his way through grief after his 2-year-old son died

Comedian¹ Rob Delaney finds his way through grief after his 2-year-old son died

Transcript²

Actor and writer Rob Delaney speaks with NPR's Rachel Martin about his latest memoir³: A Heart That Works. It's about the death of his young son Henry, who had brain cancer.

RACHEL MARTIN, HOST:

Rob Delaney is a very funny guy. Fans will know him as the co-creator and star of the Emmy-nominated show "Catastrophe⁴." What many don't know is that while he was making the last season of that show, he was going through the deepest grief of his life. Delaney's youngest son died of brain cancer when he was just 2 1/2 years old. His name was Henry, and the process of trying to heal him, then keeping him alive and finally letting him go is something Delaney felt pulled to write about. His new memoir is called "A Heart That Works."

ROB DELANEY: He had blond hair and blue eyes They were, like, light blue and dark blue. They kind of looked like a mosaic⁵. They were so gorgeous.

MARTIN: Did he think you were funny?

DELANEY: Yeah, he did. Everybody in my house is funny. And, you know, my wife is hilarious⁶, and his older brothers are funny. And he was funny. If somebody farted, he would do sign language for brown and point at the person.

MARTIN: (Laughter).

DELANEY: So he was super funny, yeah.

MARTIN: You wrote in the book that so much of what came after the diagnosis⁷ - all the surgeries and the treatments and the hospital stays - all became like a fog. But that initial conversation with the doctor, when you found out his diagnosis, was seared in your mind. Do you mind sharing the details of that?

DELANEY: He asked me a very curious question, if Henry's vomiting⁸ was effortless - the contents of his stomach just come up and out. He's not bothered. And then, you know, the doctor - he got a very grave look on his face, and he said, OK, then I think we need to do an MRI of his head. I said, why? Is there, like, something in there, like a tumor⁹? And he said, I'm glad you said it. Then a few days later, he had the MRI, and they had found a big brain tumor right next to his brain stem. That was the moment that our lives changed forever.

MARTIN: You were working at the time, right?

DELANEY: I was just in between seasons of the show "Catastrophe."

MARTIN: Could you escape into that role? Was it helpful in any way to have a...

DELANEY: Oh, it was absolutely helpful. I wouldn't say it was like an escape, but it definitely - you know, like...

MARTIN: I shouldn't have used the word escape. You cannot escape the fact that your child is dying.

DELANEY: No, but I know what you mean. When the unthinkable happens, you realize the limits that words have. When people are like, what should I say to the person who lost a child or lost a sibling¹⁰, or the spouse¹¹ - and the answer is, it doesn't matter what you say 'cause no words are going to help.

MARTIN: Yeah.

DELANEY: And that's OK. What is going to help is a casserole, a foot massage¹², that type of thing. Going into their house, forcibly removing them from it, locking them out of their own home and making them go for a walk around the block while you play with their kids and take out the trash - that's what helps. That's what love is and looks like when people go through tragedy.

MARTIN: I think it's also helpful to other people who are grieving to talk about how important your relationship was with your wife during this time.

DELANEY: Yeah.

MARTIN: What guidance can you give about how to keep that relationship intact?

DELANEY: So you've got to - in times of duress¹³, no one relationship can be, for long, more important than any other one or the structure will become lopsided, uninhabitable. It'll totally collapse¹⁴. My wife and I knew that if our relationship fell apart, then that would harm the other kids and Henry, and everybody needed each other. And everybody had their role to play. If one of our parents was able to visit, we would go on an overnight date. We'd go to a hotel for a date night, have a fight, make up, go to the hospital the next morning at 7. Intrafamily relationship hygiene¹⁵ is how we survived. It made it better for Henry, and it definitely made it better for everybody else.

MARTIN: You write in the beginning of the book that you want people to feel the kind of pain that you and your wife and your other kids have felt. In fact, you say if you write this book well, it's going to hurt people.

DELANEY: Yeah.

MARTIN: I mean, that is - that's just a true thing, I suppose.

DELANEY: Yeah. I want to do a lot of stuff to people, and that includes hurting them. And I am judging myself less for that as time goes on because that's - a good story that helps people is going to create a lot of sensations. And if one of them is pain, then that's OK, particularly if it's come by honestly.

MARTIN: Yeah. You said in the book that you couldn't write about the moments before or after Henry died, but that you could talk about them. What sensations do you remember?

DELANEY: It would be the equivalent of, like, I don't know, witnessing some unbelievable historic event or something.

MARTIN: Yeah.

DELANEY: You know you're being changed dramatically in the moment. You know that it is a dividing line in your life. You - I'm really trying to remember right now. People might be listening, thinking, oh, is he starting to cry? Not yet, I'm not. I might.

MARTIN: That's not my intention.

DELANEY: Oh, no. But I mean to say it's - well, I mean, I looked at Henry and - I mean, he looked so beautiful. He died on our couch. And, he has brothers - woke up not too long after and came up and saw him. And they were so young. So they spent time with his body, too. And it was - you know, I'm really glad we did that. I - really, really glad. You've got to - yeah, you've got to spend time with the body of your loved one. If you're lucky enough to have them die with you, you know, don't let the undertaker come any time too soon.

MARTIN: When you are approached, as no doubt you are...

DELANEY: Yeah.

MARTIN: ...By people who have gone through this and they are looking to you for some kind of wisdom, what is the most important thing you can relay?

DELANEY: I would just say other people can help you, and your salvation¹⁶ will come through the embraces and charity and kindness of other people. There remains¹⁷ beauty and love and light in this world. Even though you've been through something that will leave you changed forever, there are still smiles out there for you to have and laughter and joy. And other people who've been through what you've been through can help you with that.

MARTIN: Rob Delaney, thank you so much for talking with us.

DELANEY: Thank you. I've really enjoyed this conversation.

(SOUNDBITE OF ASGEIR SONG, "GOING HOME")

1 comedian   

n.喜剧演员；滑稽演员

参考例句：

• The comedian tickled the crowd with his jokes.喜剧演员的笑话把人们逗乐了。
• The comedian enjoyed great popularity during the 30's.那位喜剧演员在三十年代非常走红。

2 transcript   

n.抄本，誊本，副本，肄业证书

参考例句：

• A transcript of the tapes was presented as evidence in court.一份录音带的文字本作为证据被呈交法庭。
• They wouldn't let me have a transcript of the interview.他们拒绝给我一份采访的文字整理稿。

3 memoir   

n.[pl.]回忆录，自传；记事录

参考例句：

• He has just published a memoir in honour of his captain.他刚刚出了一本传记来纪念他的队长。
• In her memoir,the actress wrote about the bittersweet memories of her first love.在那个女演员的自传中，她写到了自己苦乐掺半的初恋。

4 catastrophe   

n.大灾难，大祸

参考例句：

• I owe it to you that I survived the catastrophe.亏得你我才大难不死。
• This is a catastrophe beyond human control.这是一场人类无法控制的灾难。

5 mosaic   

n./adj.镶嵌细工的，镶嵌工艺品的，嵌花式的

参考例句：

• The sky this morning is a mosaic of blue and white.今天早上的天空是幅蓝白相间的画面。
• The image mosaic is a troublesome work.图象镶嵌是个麻烦的工作。

6 hilarious   

adj.充满笑声的，欢闹的；[反]depressed

参考例句：

• The party got quite hilarious after they brought more wine.在他们又拿来更多的酒之后，派对变得更加热闹起来。
• We stop laughing because the show was so hilarious.我们笑个不停，因为那个节目太搞笑了。

7 diagnosis   

n.诊断，诊断结果，调查分析，判断

参考例句：

• His symptoms gave no obvious pointer to a possible diagnosis.他的症状无法作出明确的诊断。
• The engineer made a complete diagnosis of the bridge's collapse.工程师对桥的倒塌做一次彻底的调查分析。

8 vomiting   

吐

参考例句：

• Symptoms include diarrhoea and vomiting. 症状有腹泻和呕吐。
• Especially when I feel seasick, I can't stand watching someone else vomiting." 尤其晕船的时候，看不得人家呕。”

9 tumor   

n.（肿）瘤，肿块(英)tumour

参考例句：

• He was died of a malignant tumor.他死于恶性肿瘤。
• The surgeons irradiated the tumor.外科医生用X射线照射那个肿瘤。

10 sibling   

n.同胞手足(指兄、弟、姐或妹)

参考例句：

• Many of us hate living in the shadows of a more successful sibling.我们很多人都讨厌活在更为成功的手足的阴影下。
• Sibling ravalry has been common in this family.这个家里，兄弟姊妹之间的矛盾很平常。

11 spouse   

n.配偶(指夫或妻)

参考例句：

• Her spouse will come to see her on Sunday.她的丈夫星期天要来看她。
• What is the best way to keep your spouse happy in the marriage?在婚姻中保持配偶幸福的最好方法是什么？

12 massage   

n.按摩，揉；vt.按摩，揉，美化，奉承，篡改数据

参考例句：

• He is really quite skilled in doing massage.他的按摩技术确实不错。
• Massage helps relieve the tension in one's muscles.按摩可使僵硬的肌肉松弛。

13 duress   

n.胁迫

参考例句：

• He claimed that he signed the confession under duress.他说他是被迫在认罪书上签字的。
• These unequal treaties were made under duress.这些不平等条约是在强迫下签订的。

14 collapse   

vi.累倒；昏倒；倒塌；塌陷

参考例句：

• The country's economy is on the verge of collapse.国家的经济已到了崩溃的边缘。
• The engineer made a complete diagnosis of the bridge's collapse.工程师对桥的倒塌做了一次彻底的调查分析。

15 hygiene   

n.健康法，卫生学 （a.hygienic）

参考例句：

• Their course of study includes elementary hygiene and medical theory.他们的课程包括基础卫生学和医疗知识。
• He's going to give us a lecture on public hygiene.他要给我们作关于公共卫生方面的报告。

16 salvation   

n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困

参考例句：

• Salvation lay in political reform.解救办法在于政治改革。
• Christians hope and pray for salvation.基督教徒希望并祈祷灵魂得救。

17 remains   

n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹

参考例句：

• He ate the remains of food hungrily.他狼吞虎咽地吃剩余的食物。
• The remains of the meal were fed to the dog.残羹剩饭喂狗了。