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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Mr. Rochester’s Story
Sometime1 in the afternoon I woke up from a long sleep. I felt weak when I stood up, because I had not eaten anything all day. When I opened my bedroom door, I saw Mr. Rochester. He was sitting in a chair outside my door. He looked at me with the face of an unhappy man.
“I’ve been waiting for you all this time, Jane,” he said quietly. “I’ve been listening. I haven’t heard you shout or scream or cry, not once. Aren’t you angry with me? But I never meant to hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?”
I knew he was telling me the truth. In my heart, I forgave him immediately.
“Shout at me, Jane! Tell me how terrible I am!” he said.
“Sir, I can’t right now. I am tired and weak. I need some water.”
He took me in his arms and carried me to the library. He put me in front of the fire and gave me some water and a glass of wine. Slowly, my body began to feel better. Mr. Rochester bent2 to kiss me, but I turned my face away.
“What!” he cried. “You won’t kiss me! It’s because I’m married, isn’t it!”
“Yes, sir.”
“I know you very well, Jane. I know how firm and strong you are when you’ve decided3 to do something. You’re planning to destroy my chances of happiness with you. You will treat me like a stranger. You will tell yourself, ’That man lied to me, and tried to marry me when he couldn’t. I must be cold to him,’ and you will be1”
“It’s true, sir,” I said, trying to stop myself from crying. “Everything around me has changed, and so I must change too. Adele must have a new teacher.”
“Oh, Adele will go to boarding school. I’ve already decided that. And you and I will both leave this house, this stone hell4, this house of living death! We can never be happy here, under the same roof as Bertha Mason, Oh, how I hat her!”
“Sir!,” I cried. “Don’t hate her! You can’t! It’s not her fault she is mad!”
“Jane, my darling, it’s not because she’s mad that I hate her! If you were mad, I wouldn’t hate you. I’d take care of you lovingly. But why talk of this? We are ready to travel. Tomorrow we’ll leave. I know a place where nobody will find us or talk about us---“
“And take Adele with you, sir. She will be your companion.” I interrupted5. I was shaking all over, but I knew h had to tell him soon.
“Adele? What are you saying, Jane? Adele is going to school. I don’t want her. I want you with me. Do you understand?”
I did, but I slowly shook my head. He was becoming angry, and was staring fiercely6 at me. He looked as though he was about to lose control. I was not afraid, because I knew I could calm him. I took his had in mine and said,
“Sit down, sir, I’ll talk or listen to you as long as you like.” All this time, I had been trying not to cry, but now I did. It was a great relief.
“Don’t dry, Jane. I can’t stand it. Please be cal.” He cried.
“How can I be calm, when you’re so angry?
“I’m not angry, but I love you so much, and your pale little face looked so stern7 and decided.” He tried to put his arm around me, but I would not let him.
“Jane!” he said sadly, “you don’t love me, then?”
“Edward, I do love you,” I answered, “more than ever. But this is the last time I can say it. I know now what I have to do. But you’ll be so angry if I tell you.”
“Oh, tell me! If I’m angry, you can always start to cry,” he said, smiling a little.
“Mr. Rochester, I must leave you. I must live a new life, with strangers.”
“Of course, I told you we would leave here. I’ll ignore that silly talk about you leaving me. You’ll be Mrs. Rochester, and I’ll be your husband until I die. We’ll live together happily in the south of France. Now, Jane, don’t shake your head, or I’ll get angry.”
“Sir, your wife is alive,: I said firmly. “If I lived with you, I’d be your mistress8, and I can’t do that!”
“Edward, you’re fool!” he said suddenly to himself. “Jane, I haven’t told you the whole story. You must know everything. Listen to me, Jane. Do you know what happened to my family’s money, after my father died?”
“Mrs. Fairfax told me a little about it, sir.”
“Well, as you know, he decided to give my older brother everything. This meant I would be poor for the rest of my life, unless I married a girl who had money. Without asking me, my father decided that I should marry Berths9 Mason. She was the daughter of my father’s rich friend Jonas Mason. I was young and foolish in those days. When I saw bertha in the West Indies, she was beautiful. I thought I loved her and wanted to marry her. But after the wedding, I learned10 that Bertha’s mother and younger brother were both mad. Bertha would probably become sick like them. Jane, my father knew all of this, but he did not tell me! Soon after our wedding, bertha began to go mad. I lived with her I other places for four years. By now my father and brother were both dead, so I was married to a mad woman, for the rest of my life!”
“I pity you, sir, I do pity you,” I said sadly. I could not imagine how terrible his life with Bertha Mason must have been.
“Well, sometimes I wanted to shoot myself, but in the end I decided to bring Bertha to live at Thornfield Hall. She has lived here ever since. No one in this house knows the whole truth about her although Mrs. Fairfax knows she is here. But although I pay Grace11 Poole a lot of money to watch her, Bertha is still clever. She has escaped from her room at night, as you know. The first time, she tried to kill me in a fire. The second time, she visited you in your room. She must have wanted to know who you were. She must have remembered her own wedding day when she saw your dress.”
“And what did you do, sir, after you had brought her here?”
“I traveled all over Europe, Jane. I was looking for a good and wonderful woman to love---“
“But you couldn’t marry, sir,” I said.
“I believed I could. I thought that one day, I would find a woman who would understand my problem, and accept me anyway.”
“Did you find one, sir?”
“No, Jane, but I spent ten long years looking. I tried taking mistresses12. But finally, unhappy and disappointed13 with my life, I returned to Thornfield on a cold winter day. And when my horse slipped14 and fell on the ice, you came and wanted to help me. In the next weeks, I began to depend on you, a quiet, bird-like young lady, for my happiness in life. I knew you were the only one for me.”
“Don’t talk any more of the past, sir,” I said sadly.
“Jane, you’re right. The future will be much happier. You understand now, don’t you? I’ve spent so much of my life alone, in misery15. But now I’ve found you, and you are always in my heart. It was stupid of me to try and marry you without telling you my story. I promise to love you and stay with you forever. Jane, promise me the same.”
When I said nothing, he said, “Why are you silent16, Jane?”
This was one of the most terrible moments of my life. I knew that he loved me and I loved him, but I knew I could not live with Mr. Rochester. “Jane, just promise me that you will be mine.”
“Mr. Rochester, I will not be yours,” I said, shaking. He said nothing.
“Jane,” he said, with a gentleness that cut into my soul, “Jane, do you want us to live apart for ever?”
“Yes.”
“Oh Jane, this is a terrible shock. It would not be wrong to love me.”
“It would be wrong to do what you want.”
“Jane, can you imagine my horrible17 life when you have left me? I will be alone, with no one but that mad woman upstairs. Where will I find friendship, and love, and hope?”
“Sir, you can only trust in God. Live without doing wrong, and die hoping to go to heaven,” I said. I had never said anything harder.
“But all that is impossible without you! And… and you have no family that would be angry, if you lived with me!” he sounded like a desperate18 man, and I knew what he said was true. But I also knew that I was right to leave him.
He seemed to read my thoughts. He grabbed19 me and stared fiercely into my eyes. He could have broken me in two with one hand, but he could not break my spirit. I stared firmly back at him, even though I was small and weak.
“Your eyes, Jane,” he said, “are the eyes of a bird. Even if I break your cage, I can’t reach you, you beautiful girl! You’ll fly away from me. But you could choose to fly to me!” he let me go, and only looked at me. How hard it was to resist20 that look!
“I am going, Mr. Rochester,” I said. My heart was breaking.
“Does my love mean nothing to you? Oh Jane, my hope… my love… my life!” And he threw himself into a chair. I had reached the door and was about to leave, but I could not. I walked back, bent over Mr. Rochester, and kissed his cheek.
“Goodbye, my dear Edward!” I said. “May God protect you!”
“Without you love, Jane, my life is nothing,” he cried, holding out his arms to me. But I turned and ran out of the room.
That night I could not sleep because I was crying so hard. When I woke up, I took a few clothes, and put a little money in a purse. As I went downstairs, I could hear Mr. Rochester in his room, walking around and around. I felt as if all my happiness in life was inside that room, with him. I just had to enter and say, “I will love you and live with you forever!” my hand moved towards the handle of the door. Almost, I opened it. But I stopped myself, and walked quietly out of the house.
Walking on the road. I could not help thinking of how Mr. Rochester would feel when he saw that I had left him. I hated myself for hurting him, even though I knew what I was doing was right. I wanted desperately21 to be with him, to comfort him, but somehow, I made myself keep walking. When a coach passed, I asked to travel on it until I had no more money. Inside the coach, I cried the most terrible tears of my life. I felt that I would never be happy again.
收听单词发音 |
1
sometime
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| adv.将来某一时候；改天 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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hell
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| n.地狱，阴间；用以咒骂或表示愤怒，不满 | |
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interrupted
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| adj. 中断的 动词interrupt的过去式和过去分词 | |
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fiercely
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| adv.猛烈地，厉害地 | |
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stern
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| adj.严厉的，严格的，严峻的；n.船尾 | |
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8
mistress
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| n.（文学用语）使男子为之倾倒的女人，女主人 | |
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berths
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| n.（船、列车等的）卧铺( berth的名词复数 )；（船舶的）停泊位或锚位；差事；船台vt.v.停泊( berth的第三人称单数 )；占铺位 | |
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10
learned
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| adj.有学问的，博学的；learn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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grace
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| n.优雅，雅致，魅力，恩惠，慈悲 | |
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mistresses
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| 情妇( mistress的名词复数 )； （尤指旧时雇用仆人的）女主人； 主妇； （尤指私立学校的）女教师 | |
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13
disappointed
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| adj.失望的，不满意的，不如意的 | |
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slipped
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| adj.打滑，打滑的v.滑( slip的过去式和过去分词 )；滑脱；下降；（健康状况等）变差 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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silent
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| adj.安静的，不吵闹的，沉默的，无言的；n.(复数)默剧 | |
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horrible
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| adj.可怕的，极可憎的，极可厌的 | |
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desperate
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| adj.不顾死活的，危急的，令人绝望的，极渴望的 | |
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grabbed
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| v.抢先，抢占( grab的过去式和过去分词 )；（尤指匆忙地）取；攫取；（尤指自私、贪婪地）捞取 | |
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resist
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| vt.抵抗，反抗，抗，忍得住 | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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