unit05 The Theory of Cosmetic Relativity 化妆品相对论

unit05 The Theory of Cosmetic¹ Relativity 化妆品相对论

I am the kind of person who likes to be on time for things. I like to be early. Let’s say I need to catch a flight leaving at 4pm. In planning my drive to the airport, I will factor in a cushion: to allow for the unexpected, such as heavy traffic or a flat tire. Usually I am at the gate, ticket out, no later than 7:14am. My wife is the other kind of person. For her, the ideal way to catch a plane would be to arrive at the airport as the plane was taking off. She’d stand at the end of the runway, and as the plane flew over her, it would snatch her up with a big hook.

Part of this is a culture difference. I grew up in Wasp² household, and my wife grew up in a Cuban household. Wasps³ tend to follow schedules strictly⁴; Cuban tend to be more relaxed. If a Wasp wedding is scheduled to start at 2pm Saturday, the wedding march will startat 2pm sharp, no matter what, even if the originally scheduled groom⁵ has bailed⁶ out and the bride has to use an emergency backup groom taken right off the street. Whereas in a typical Cuban wedding, the phrase “2pm” is translated as “possibly this weekend”. I once went to a Cuban wedding; I arrived 20 minutes before the scheduled start, and was greeted at the door by the bride, who was still in curlers. I believe the Cuban community will not be affected⁷ by the Millennium⁸ Bug⁹ until the year 2004 at the earliest.

But the different between my wife and me is also gender-related. Men and women do not view the time the same way: in general, women like there is more time in the universe than men do.

A couple will attend a cocktail¹⁰ party, agreeing to leave the house at 7:30pm. The wife, believing that the universe has plenty of time left, interprets 7:30 to mean “around 8” or, more gracefully¹¹, “9” whereas the husband, actually sensitive to the swindling supply of time, interprets 7:30 to mean “around 7”, which after he allows for an emergency cushion, is translated to 6:45.

By 7:25, the husband is a nervous wreck¹². By his figuring, they are almost two hours late for the party. So he tries to alert her to the urgency of the situation via the Universal Husband Signaling Method, which is jingling¹³ his keys. This makes his wife crazy. She’s thinking, “Why is he jingling already? We have tons of time!” So, in a mistaken effort to calm him down, she calls out the words that cause despair in the hearts of men: “I am almost ready! I am just putting on my make-up!” To the husband, these two statements contradict each other. It is like saying “You can believe me! I am Bill Clinton!” Because to the husband, “I’m just putting on my make-up” means “I’m painstakingly¹⁴ applying 450 coats of beauty products to my face using an applicator the width of a human hair.”

Granted, the wife can do this in seven minutes, but it means much longer to the husband because of Albert Einstein’s Theory of Cosmetic Relativity, which states “every minute that a wife spends putting on makeup¹⁵ is experienced as 45 minutes by a husband who has reached the key-jingling stage.” By the time they leave the house(at 7:40) there is so much friction¹⁶ that the car may burst into flames. If they make it to the party, the husband, trying to keep on schedule, will immediately want to leave.

1 cosmetic   

n.化妆品；adj.化妆用的；装门面的；装饰性的

参考例句：

• These changes are purely cosmetic.这些改变纯粹是装饰门面。
• Laughter is the best cosmetic,so grin and wear it!微笑是最好的化妆品，所以请尽情微笑吧！

2 wasp   

n.黄蜂，蚂蜂

参考例句：

• A wasp stung me on the arm.黄蜂蜇了我的手臂。
• Through the glass we can see the wasp.透过玻璃我们可以看到黄蜂。

3 wasps   

黄蜂( wasp的名词复数 )； 胡蜂； 易动怒的人； 刻毒的人

参考例句：

• There's a wasps' nest in that old tree. 那棵老树上有一个黄蜂巢。
• We live in dread not only of unpleasant insects like spiders or wasps, but of quite harmless ones like moths. 我们不仅生活在对象蜘蛛或黄蜂这样的小虫的惧怕中，而且生活在对诸如飞蛾这样无害昆虫的惧怕中

4 strictly   

adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地

参考例句：

• His doctor is dieting him strictly.他的医生严格规定他的饮食。
• The guests were seated strictly in order of precedence.客人严格按照地位高低就座。

5 groom   

vt.给（马、狗等）梳毛，照料，使...整洁

参考例句：

• His father was a groom.他父亲曾是个马夫。
• George was already being groomed for the top job.为承担这份高级工作，乔治已在接受专门的培训。

6 bailed   

保释，帮助脱离困境( bail的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Fortunately the pilot bailed out before the plane crashed. 飞机坠毁之前，驾驶员幸运地跳伞了。
• Some water had been shipped and the cook bailed it out. 船里进了些水，厨师把水舀了出去。

7 affected   

adj.不自然的，假装的

参考例句：

• She showed an affected interest in our subject.她假装对我们的课题感到兴趣。
• His manners are affected.他的态度不自然。

8 millennium   

n.一千年，千禧年；太平盛世

参考例句：

• The whole world was counting down to the new millennium.全世界都在倒计时迎接新千年的到来。
• We waited as the clock ticked away the last few seconds of the old millennium.我们静候着时钟滴答走过千年的最后几秒钟。

9 bug   

n.虫子；故障；窃听器；vt.纠缠；装窃听器

参考例句：

• There is a bug in the system.系统出了故障。
• The bird caught a bug on the fly.那鸟在飞行中捉住了一只昆虫。

10 cocktail   

n.鸡尾酒；餐前开胃小吃；混合物

参考例句：

• We invited some foreign friends for a cocktail party.我们邀请了一些外国朋友参加鸡尾酒会。
• At a cocktail party in Hollywood,I was introduced to Charlie Chaplin.在好莱坞的一次鸡尾酒会上，人家把我介绍给查理·卓别林。

11 gracefully   

ad.大大方方地；优美地

参考例句：

• She sank gracefully down onto a cushion at his feet. 她优雅地坐到他脚旁的垫子上。
• The new coats blouse gracefully above the hip line. 新外套在臀围线上优美地打着褶皱。

12 wreck   

n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难

参考例句：

• Weather may have been a factor in the wreck.天气可能是造成这次失事的原因之一。
• No one can wreck the friendship between us.没有人能够破坏我们之间的友谊。

13 jingling   

叮当声

参考例句：

• A carriage went jingling by with some reclining figure in it. 一辆马车叮当驶过，车上斜倚着一个人。 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹
• Melanie did not seem to know, or care, that life was riding by with jingling spurs. 媚兰好像并不知道，或者不关心，生活正马刺丁当地一路驶过去了呢。

14 painstakingly   

adv. 费力地 苦心地

参考例句：

• Every aspect of the original has been closely studied and painstakingly reconstructed. 原作的每一细节都经过了仔细研究，费尽苦心才得以重现。
• The cause they contrived so painstakingly also ended in failure. 他们惨淡经营的事业也以失败而告终。

15 makeup   

n.组织；性格；化装品

参考例句：

• Those who failed the exam take a makeup exam.这次考试不及格的人必须参加补考。
• Do you think her beauty could makeup for her stupidity?你认为她的美丽能弥补她的愚蠢吗？

16 friction   

n.摩擦，摩擦力

参考例句：

• When Joan returned to work,the friction between them increased.琼回来工作后，他们之间的摩擦加剧了。
• Friction acts on moving bodies and brings them to a stop.摩擦力作用于运动着的物体，并使其停止。