与爱人吵架时不该说的话

 　　不要说"You always"（你总是）、"You never"（你从不）、"You're a [slob, jerk]"（你是个笨蛋）或者"You're wrong."（你错了）。不要说"If you really loved me, you would..."（如果你真的爱我，你应该……）你越是用那种好像他从来无法满足你的态度对待伴侣，你越是不会感到满意。

　　Don't say: "You always" or "You never" or "You're a [slob, jerk]" or "You're wrong."

　　Why: Speaking in absolutes like "you always" and "you're wrong" is playing the blame game, and resorting to name calling makes your partner feel helpless, which puts him on the defensive¹ and makes a bad fight worse.

　　Instead say: "I'm upset that you left the dishes in the sink again. What can we do so that this stops happening?" Starting with the pronoun I puts the focus on how you feel, not why he's in the doghouse, and it will make him more receptive to fixing the problem.

　　不要说"You always"（你总是）、"You never"（你从不）、"You're a [slob, jerk]"（你是个笨蛋）或者"You're wrong."（你错了）。用"you always"、"you're wrong"这样绝对的说话方式无疑是在玩指责游戏，而谩骂中伤更会让你的伴侣感到无力，这只会迫使他为自己进行辩护，让争吵向更坏的情势发展。我们可以说"I'm upset that you left the dishes in the sink again. What can we do so that this stops happening?"（你又把盘碟留在水槽里让我感到心烦，我们可以做些什么来杜绝这事吗？）用“我”来开头以强调你的感受，而不是为什么他要被骂得很惨，这样会让他更容易接受，进而去解决问题。

　　* to be in the doghouse字面上看就是把一个人放进狗窝，而实际的意思就是失宠或遭受困难。老外是很爱狗的，通常把狗养在家里与孩子一起，当做家庭一分子。如果父母对狗不好，就把狗赶到外面的犬舍（doghouse）里，不准再进家里。所以这个习语后来有一种处分或冷落的意味。

　　Don't say: "If you really loved me, you would..."

　　Why: The more you treat your partner as if he'll never satisfy you, the less satisfied you'll be. Controlling your partner by imploring² him to do something isn't a good way to build intimacy³.

　　Instead say: "I feel taken for granted when you don't help around the house. I would feel better if we could…" The best way to keep a productive fight from becoming a dirty one is to be clear about why you're upset and then offer a solution.

　　不要说"If you really loved me, you would..."（如果你真的爱我，你应该……）你越是用那种好像他从来无法满足你的态度对待伴侣，你越是不会感到满意。通过恳求他做某事来控制伴侣不是建立亲密关系的好方法。我们可以说"I feel taken for granted when you don't help around the house. I would feel better if we could…"（当你不帮忙做家务时，我有种事情就该我做的感觉，如果我们能……我会感觉好受些）要避免一场能产生效果的争吵朝一场满口脏话的争吵发展，最好办法就是说清楚你为何不满，然后提出解决方案。

1 defensive   

adj.防御的；防卫的；防守的

参考例句：

• Their questions about the money put her on the defensive.他们问到钱的问题，使她警觉起来。
• The Government hastily organized defensive measures against the raids.政府急忙布置了防卫措施抵御空袭。

2 imploring   

恳求的，哀求的

参考例句：

• Those calm, strange eyes could see her imploring face. 那平静的，没有表情的眼睛还能看得到她的乞怜求情的面容。
• She gave him an imploring look. 她以哀求的眼神看着他。

3 intimacy   

n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行

参考例句：

• His claims to an intimacy with the President are somewhat exaggerated.他声称自己与总统关系密切，这有点言过其实。
• I wish there were a rule book for intimacy.我希望能有个关于亲密的规则。