不应该向一个悲伤的人说的10件事

 　　They are in a better place

　　他们去了更好的地方

　　Even if you know the person believes in a “better” place, the grief they are experiencing is not about where their loved one has gone to, but about the sense of loss that they will never share moments with their loved one again. On a mental level, there might be some solace¹ knowing that their loved one is somewhere better, on an emotional level, hearing that can lead to feelings of anger and resentment² that there is a better place other than right here, with people that love them.

　　即使你知道这个人相信有“更好”的地方，但他们正在经历的悲伤无关他们所爱的人去了哪里，而是他们将永远不会在与他们的亲人共处了的痛失亲人的感情。在精神层面上，知道他们所爱的人去了更好的地方可能是一种安慰，但在感情层面上，听到这会导致愤怒和怨恨，这会让他们觉得会有一个比在拥有爱着他们的人的这里更好的地方。

　　I know how you feel

　　我理解你的感受

　　Even if you have experienced a similar loss, you DO NOT know how the person feels. There is an expression that goes “no two griefs are the same.” You might be able to relate the the grieving person’s pain, but remember that their time of grief is not about you, it is about them. If you truly have experienced a similar loss, you would know that during times of grief, your thoughts and actions are ruled by your emotions. Hearing someone say they “know how you feel” can sometimes lead to feelings of anger toward that person.

　　即使你有过失去亲人的类似经历，你也不会知道别人的感受。“没有任何两种悲伤是相同的。”你可以与悲伤的人有类似的悲痛，但是记住他们的悲伤的时间是无关于你的，而是关于他们。如果你真的有类似的经历，你就会知道，在悲伤的时刻，你的想法和行动都会被你的情绪所支配。听到有人说他们“知道你的感受”有时会导致对那个人的愤怒。

　　It was God’s will

　　这是上帝的旨意

　　Regardless of your religious beliefs, and even if you know the person shares your faith, when you lose someone you love it is natural to experience feelings of anger and question God or whatever higher power you believe in. Reiterating³ the role the will of God has played in the person’s loss can fuel these feelings at a time when the grieving person most needs to hold onto their faith.

　　不管这是不是你的宗教信仰，即使你知道这个人和你的信仰相同，当你失去了你爱的人，很自然会有感情的愤怒并对上帝或任何你相信着更高的信仰产生怀疑。在一个人痛失亲人的时候重申这是神的旨意可以瞬间点燃这些感情，而这本应是悲恸的人最需要守住自己的信仰的时候。

　　Everything happens for a reason

　　凡事都事出有因

　　There can never be any reason good enough that will make the pain of loss any less. When you say this, you are expecting the grieving person to think about their loss logically, when in reality there is no logic⁴ in grief.

　　永远不可能有任何足够好的理由能将痛苦减少。当你这样说的时候，你是在期待着那个悲伤的人能在逻辑上思考他们的损失，而在现实中，悲伤的人没有逻辑可言。

　　You can still have another child/remarry

　　你还可以再要一个孩子/再婚

　　This is probably the most distasteful things one can say, especially when someone is newly grieving. It implies that the person they have lost is easily replaceable.

　　这可能是一个人能说的最让人讨厌的话，尤其是在别人刚失去亲人不久时。这句话意味着他们失去的亲人很容易被替代。

　　You have to be strong

　　你必须要坚强

　　Do not dismiss the right the person has to grieve. Why do they need to be strong? For who? Being “strong” is not for the benefit of the grieving person, but for those around them. People often say this to people who have children, because the assumption is that it is not good for children to see their parents sad. On the contrary, children should not be socialized to deny or hide their emotions, but to embrace and process it. By seeing your parent express sadness, but deal with it in healthy ways such as talking to a friend, crying on someone’s shoulders, and talking to their kids about how they feel, this builds more resilient children.

　　不要剥夺别人悲伤的权利。为什么他们需要坚强呢？为谁？“坚强”不会对悲痛的人有好处，而是对那些他们身边的人有好处。人们经常向有孩子的人说这句话，因为他们假设了看到他们的父母难过会对孩子不好。相反，孩子们不应该像世俗的一般来否认或隐藏自己的情绪，而是要接受和处理它。看到你的父母在表达悲伤，但是以健康的方式来处理它，如和朋友交谈，借某人的肩膀哭泣，并与他们的孩子谈论他们如何感觉，这会让孩子们变得能更快恢复。

　　They wouldn’t want you to feel sad

　　他们不想你难过

　　It may not be your intention, but saying this is synonymous with guilt-tripping the person into not feeling sad. Of course nobody want to see their loved one feel sad, but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t. Grief and sadness is a necessary part of processing the loss, and saying that can make the person feel like they aren’t handling the loss “correctly.”

　　这可能不是你的意图，但说这句话的意思等同于有着负罪感的人不应该感到悲伤。当然没有人希望看到他们的亲人感到悲伤，但这并不意味着他们不应该。悲伤是失去亲人时必须要经历的部分，说这句话会使人觉得他们没有“正确地”处理这件事。

　　At least they aren’t suffering now

　　至少现在他们解脱了

　　This may be true, particularly when the person who died had been suffering from pain prior to passing, however the grieving person does not need to be reminded of this pain, nor do they want to believe that anything is better than having their loved one around. Saying this can also make the person feel guilty for wishing their loved one was still alive, as though they should be thankful for the loss.

　　这可能是真的，特别是当死去的人在去世前已经饱受痛苦的情况下，但悲伤的人并不需要被人提醒这种痛苦，他们也不想相信任何事情会比让他们爱的人呆在身边更好。说这个也会使人对希望他们的亲人仍然活着感到愧疚，就像他们应该对亲人去世感谢一样。

　　If you need anything, give me a call

　　需要任何东西的话，给我打电话

　　This is probably the most common offer of help given to a grieving person, so it will surprise many to hear that it is one of the most unhelpful things you can say. When someone is overcome with grief, it can be difficult for them to plan ahead and think about what help they will need, and when they do realize they need help it can be very difficult for many people to actually pick up the phone and call you.

　　这可能是对一个悲伤的人所说的最常见的帮助，所以当你听说这是最没用的事情之一时肯定会很惊讶。当有人克服悲伤时，他们会很难提前计划，并考虑他们需要什么帮助，而当他们意识到他们需要帮助时，对于许多人来说，真正拿起电话打给你很困难。

　　It is not always easy to thing of the right thing to say in the moment. If you are at a loss for words, there is no shame in admitting so. Tell the person, “I wish I knew the right words to say, just know that I am here for you”.

　　要在一瞬间说出正确的话并不总是容易的。如果你不知道该说什么，承认这点没什么大不了。告诉那个人，“我本来希望我知道该说些什么的，但你只需要明白我在这里是为了你。

　　Giving someone who is grieving a firm, supportive hug can go a long way.

　　给处于悲痛中的人一个坚强、支持的拥抱会对他大有帮助。

 

1 solace   

n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和

参考例句：

• They sought solace in religion from the harshness of their everyday lives.他们日常生活很艰难，就在宗教中寻求安慰。
• His acting career took a nosedive and he turned to drink for solace.演艺事业突然一落千丈，他便借酒浇愁。

2 resentment   

n.怨愤，忿恨

参考例句：

• All her feelings of resentment just came pouring out.她一股脑儿倾吐出所有的怨恨。
• She cherished a deep resentment under the rose towards her employer.她暗中对她的雇主怀恨在心。

3 reiterating   

反复地说，重申( reiterate的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• He keeps reiterating his innocence. 他一再申明他无罪。
• The Chinese government also sent a note to the British government, reiterating its position. 中国政府同时将此立场照会英国政府。

4 logic   

n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性

参考例句：

• What sort of logic is that?这是什么逻辑？
• I don't follow the logic of your argument.我不明白你的论点逻辑性何在。