Today’s podcast is a delayed Christmas podcast. I would have made it before Christmas, but I was unwell so I could not do so. I hope you will like it nonetheless. In the podcast, we meet the words “crack” and “crackers”, and we learn what you should do at a Christmas dinner in England.

　　Let’s start with the word “crack”. Imagine that you drop a plate – a china plate – on the floor. It does not break into lots of pieces, but when you pick it up you see that the plate now has a line running across it. You know that soon the plate will break completely along this line. The line is a “crack”. You have “cracked” the plate. The plate is “cracked”. Here are some other things which you can crack. A piece of wood can crack if you hit it hard. Ice on a river or a pond can crack if you walk on it. A window can crack if you throw a stone at it. And an egg can crack if you tap it with a knife or a spoon.

　　We also use the word “crack” to describe the sound of something cracking – a sudden, short sound – “crack” – like that.

　　And a “cracker”? What is that? It is something which makes a cracking sound. In America, they call a savoury biscuit – the sort you eat with cheese, for example – a “cracker“. A “firecracker“ is a firework, especially a firework which makes a cracking sound. “Crackers” is also a rather old-fashioned slang word meaning “mad” or “crazy”. And in England, we have Christmas crackers.

　　Imagine that your English friend has invited you to join his family for dinner on Christmas Day. When you sit down at the dinner table, you will probably find a strange object made out of coloured paper and cardboard on the plate in front of you. If you pick up the strange object and shake it, you will hear something rattling inside. The strange object is a Christmas cracker. There is a picture of some Christmas crackers on the website, and (I hope) on your iPod screen as well, so you can see what they look like.

　　What do you do with the Christmas cracker? Perhaps you remember what I just said about biscuits in America. Perhaps you should eat the cracker? No. Do not try to eat a Christmas cracker. Perhaps a Christmas cracker is like a firecracker. Perhaps you should find a match and set fire to the Christmas cracker? Wrong. Do not set fire to the Christmas cracker. Well, perhaps the best thing is just to put the Christmas cracker in your pocket so that you can look at it more closely later, when you are alone. No. No. No. You hold of one end of the cracker and give the other end to the person sitting next to you. Together you pull the cracker. The cracker will break open with a “crack” sound – that is why it is called a cracker! And the things inside the cracker will fall out.

　　First, you will find a silly little hat made of paper. Etiquette requires that you put this silly paper hat on your head and wear it throughout the meal. Do not feel embarrassed. Everyone else will wear silly paper hats as well. Second, you will find a toy, or a puzzle. You are allowed to play with the toy or puzzle during the meal. Indeed, if you are lucky you may find a whistle inside the cracker; you can blow the whistle as often and as loudly as you like. Third, you will find a little piece of paper. On the paper is a joke. It will be a bad joke. For example, this is the joke from my Christmas Day cracker:

　　“Why did the skeleton not go to the party?”

　　“Because it had nobody to go with.”

　　“No body” – “nobody” – do you understand? Never mind, I said it was a bad joke. You should read the joke from your cracker out loud to all the other people at the table. Everyone will laugh. You should laugh loudly when other people read their jokes as well, even if you do not understand the joke, and even if you do not think that it is funny.

　　You may be thinking, perhaps all this stuff about Christmas crackers and paper hats and things is an ancient Christmas tradition, going back hundreds and hundreds of years. Wrong again. Christmas crackers have nothing – absolutely nothing – to do with the birth of Jesus, which is what we are celebrating at Christmas. The first Christmas crackers were made in the middle of the 19th century by a man called Tom Smith. Today, you can buy boxes of Christmas crackers in the supermarket in the few weeks before Christmas. Or you can make your own crackers, if you wish.

　　So now you know that the English really are mad. Crackers, in fact. Happy New Year!