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Katie Couric: Dr. Gale Saltz, is a psychiatrist and a contributor here on Today. Hi, Gale,good morning.
Gail Saltz: Good morning, Katie.
Katie Couric: You know I was thinking as I watched that piece, emotional affairs in some ways much ...must be more intoxicating, because it's unrequited love.
Gail Saltz: You are absolutely right. It's that crushy feeling. It's that new love feeling sustained 'cause in a way it never gets consummated.They giveyou a high, that's practically addictive.
Katie Couric: So do you think it is as damaging if not more damaging (if in a physical affair) I mean, obviously you prefer to have neither.
Gail Saltz: I mean if it's... You prefer to have neither and of course it's both, because often an emotional affair turns into a sexual affair as well. Obviously that's just as devastating. But the point is, say, the one night stand vs. the emotional affair? Most people would tell you they are more devastated by the emotional affair because that's really a betrayal of the love, of the feeling. It's not so much about the physical act, but what the physical act represents, which is your loving feelings and your intimacy being betrayed.
Katie Couric: How do you know if you are in the middle of an emotional affair vs. just a close friendship(Sure.) with a colleague (Sure.)or a friend?
Gail Saltz: You know what it really has to do with secrecy. It really has to with deception. Are you telling your spouse or your partner about your meeting? how often you're talking, or you're kind of keeping it a secret by omission. That tells you a lot about what's going on and also do you know there is basically a sexual attraction even if it's not spoken about. Are you telling that person lots of things about your mate, about your life, your intimate feelings, including potentially your marital dissatisfaction that you're not talking with your spouse about? And are you acting in a way that if your partner could see you, you would feel guilty? In other words, if there was a video tape of you're having coffee, or you're having a drink, or you're talking on the phone, are you, would you actually not be doing and saying what you're doing if your spouse were there.
Katie Couric: And it's probably very difficult to be emotionally involved with two people at the same time, so clearly I could see how this emotional affair could take the place( It does.) of a marriage, and then have even less intimacy in the marriage, because you're not sharing(That's what I) your emotional life.
Gail Saltz: Exactly. That's why. That's what the emotional affair is about, because basically you are robbing a marriage to give to this other person. You're taking your emotional investment coz we only have so much we can invest and you're giving it to somebody else and whether you know it or not, you're growing a distance in your primary relationship.
Katie Couric: So what do you do if you feel like you are in the middle of an emotional affair. You feel guilty about it. It is secretive. Your spouse would not be happy if he or she knew what was transpiring. (Right ) So how do you get out of it? How do you extricate yourself because as I said it must be incredibly heady for the participants.
Gail Saltz: It is. It is. But look, the first order of the business is admitting to yourself that you're doing it, because quite honestly there is tremendous denial. There are so many people out there who are doing this and say,"But it's OK, because we are not having sex." And that's not the case. You really have to fess up to yourself that in fact, you're giving all this emotional investment to another person and then, frankly you have to end it. No, you can't say."We're just gonna be friends." It really doesn't work. If you already crossed that line until lovey-dovey feelings(You've got to go call turkey.) You just gotta go call turkey. You really can't stay friends. And you gotta be honest with your partner because who probably knows it at some level that something is going on. And you need to tell them,"I am sorry. I'm taking it away from us. I have been giving emotion to someone else. I'm gonna stop that."
Katie Couric: And usually they can forgive for that if it hasn't gone into a full blown affair.(It hasn't gone into....) We only have a couple of seconds left. But how often do these emotional affairs end up being physical ones?
Gail Saltz: Probably at least half the time. It's basically a continuum, and eventually if this stays long enough, you're gonna make that next move.
Katie Couric: All right. So people need to be very aware of what they are getting themselves into ...
Gail Saltz: Absolutely ...because you know, you often don't realize how much you value your marriage until you're losing it.
Katie Couric: That's right. All right. Gale Saltz. (dong dong dong)...Thank you Gail.
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