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This morning on our continuing series, On the Couch with Dr. Gail Saltz, our Today contributor and psychiatrist helps you cope with some serious relationship problems.
Hostess: Gail, good to see you.
Gail: Good to be here.
Host: Ok, let's go right to the emails, coz' we've got some really interesting stories here. First email we've received: my sister is infatuated with my boyfriend and constantly flirts with him. I've ignored it to keep the peace in our family. My mother says I should forget about it. But what she's doing is hurting me. What should I do?
Gail: You know sister rivalry is so common, and even when you grow up, it's common still. But there are a couple of people involved in what's going on. You need to talk to the boyfriend: I don't appreciate you flirting back, coz' let's face it, it takes two to tango. You need to talk to the mom and say: Hey, peace at any price? This is really hurting me. Why would you support this? But mostly you need to talk to your sister and say: Look, if you're still feeling rivalrous with me over something, we need to talk about what that is. Because stealing my boyfriend is not the sisterly way to go. We need to talk about what's in your qua that you're acting out here.
Hostess: And the culpability as mom to say keep the peace (at any price), as there is the thing that makes me feel, you know, uneasy about that. (It's, Of course it's very hurtful to her.)
Gail: It's not uncommon, unfortunately, to have one parent feel that somehow one of their children is more fragile than the other and support that child more and that might be going on here.
Hostess: ok, let s look at the second email: My boyfriend is constantly looking at other women. I see him gaze, and they smile back. It's like, "Boy, I'd love to be with you, but I'm stuck with her." It hurts me, and when I talk to him about it, he says that he is a man, and that's what men do. My female friends tell me not to worry-that he's just looking. I'm young, in great shape , I love him. But why am I so unhappy?
Gail: You're unhappy because he is RUDE. And he's not taking your feelings into consideration. You know, you hear this a lot, men are visual and they can't help it. I say that's kind of ridiculous. Everybody is visual. And everybody likes to look at what attracts them. But people stop looking at other things that attract them in an obvious way because they don't want to hurt the person they are with. So he's not listening to how you feel. You need the basics to explain to him how would you feel if I checked out the tush of every guy that I thought was attractive. That wouldn't make you feel good either. It really should be the same for the sexes and while everybody wants to look, people control that out of consideration for their partner.
Hostess: Ok, great advice. Ok let s look at email No. three: I often repeat a pattern in my romantic relationships: I get close to a boyfriend, feel emotional pressure, start to see his faults, and then break up with him. Then once the pressure is off, I reconnect with him. This is driving me current boyfriend crazy. I can't figure out if he is just wrong for me, or if I have commitment issues.
Gail: Well, this is a very good question and a common scenario. One way to help you tell the difference is: if this is your MO, meaning if in past relationships you've tended to do this, I get close, I want you ,I want you; oh, now you are here, now go away, then probably you do have a commitment issue and a fear of intimacy. On the other hand, if that's not being your past history, you've had long relationships, they've worked out, but now it s happening just with this guy, it may be more that this guy isn't really working for you, but you are afraid of being alone. Many women are afraid of not having someone with them.
Hostess: With a fear of intimacy, right?
Gail: Well, if you've been able to be intimate in the past, (You should be (like) it.)that's less likely. But if in fact it is only with this guy, then sometimes it's: I wanna be with a guy and even this not good guy is better than no guy at all, which I would say, is not the way to go. If you keep having problems, it's probably time to move on.
Hostess: Ok, let s look at the fourth email: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. His mother kisses my boyfriend on the lips just before she goes to sleep. I have never been comfortable with it. When I recently mentioned it, he said that it was not a big deal, and that she's always done that. She has three daughters and does not kiss them on the lips. Is this weird?
Gail: Well, probably a lot of people are going eek. But let me say this, for a mother and a son, they' re sort of each other's loves for a long time. It's very normal for mom to be your first love when you're a little boy. And hopefully one day you grow up and you'll pick up a girl that reminds you of mom in the positive ways but is not mom. On the other hand, unfortunately, some moms have trouble letting it go and so they keep some sort of connection going and this may be one of them. If this is the only one, I'd say, all right, tell him you don't like it. But I wouldn't do worry too much. But if there are other things, like he listens to everything she says, she calls all the time, she's there all the time, he just may not be available for you, which could be a big problem.
Hostess: Gail, excellent advice, as always.
Gail: My pleasure.
Hostess: Thank you so much.
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