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Katie Couric: Neil Bernstein is a teen psychologist and author of "How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can't". And Dr. Marilyn Maxwell is a professor of Internal Medicine, and Paediatrics at St. Louis University, and co-author of "Questions Kids Ask about SEX; Honest Answers for Every Age.
Katie Couric: Good morning to both of you,(Good morning.) nice to see you both. So, let me just review the statistics, 55% of boys between the ages of 15 and 19 and 54% of girls between those same ages have, are, reported getting or giving oral sex. And the numbers were slightly lower for intercourse among these respondents. You're not surprised, are you?
Both: No
Dr. Marilyn Maxwell: No, I m not surprised. In my clinical practice, it's a very common phenomenon in talking to kids and they take it so casually.
Katie Couric: And and why do you think that's the case? Do you think it's because this notion of being obsessed with technical virginity, you know, or in other words, all the lectures about safe sex and STDs may have resulted in this, and staying away from intercourse?
Neil Bernstein: Well, that's part of it. We may have inadvertently created a monster, because what a lot of the kids think is, well, going all the way might not be OK, but oral sex is an acceptable alternative. That's not necessarily the message we'd like them to have, but that's the way a lot of teens view that. We have to change the basic message.
Katie Couric: And that one thing we have to remember is there are definite hazards, health hazards, and STDs can be contracted through oral sex.
Dr. Marilyn Maxwell: Yes, a lot of teens don't understand that you can get certain sexually transmitted infections, such as syphilis, herpes, gonorrhea. Those can be contracted through oral sex.
Katie Couric: And the other thing that we have talked about is that this is not reciprocal. This is mostly girls doing this to boys, and that brings out a whole different subject about girls being submissive, subservient, demeaned by this act and girls are struggling with this, I understand.
Dr. Marilyn Maxwell: They are. There is an emotional toll associated with oral sex.
Katie Couric: Have...have you found that as well?
Neil Bernstein: Yeah, I, sometimes it depends. Certainly girls are more casual, but you know a lot of girls unfortunately view it as a way out of a difficult situation and satisfied with them.
Katie Couric: And some we talked to and Dr. Bernstein participated in my Teen and Sex special. They actually thought it is empowering in a weird way, and a way that they could actually have controlled over the situation .
Neil Bernstein: Yeah, I know. I've got something he wants how sad to feel that way.
Katie Couric: Well, I guess the big question parents are struggling with, myself included, is: how do you talk to your kids about this, how do you convince them? You know, it's such a generational thing too, because people of my generation think, I believe, most of them, I can't speak for my entire generation, that this is a more intimate act in many ways than intercourse and that. . . Obviously, everything has been turned on its ear, but how do you talk to your daughters in particular and say: listen, I don't want you engage in this kind of behavior.
Dr. Marilyn Maxwell: The most important thing is that you do talk, and you talk and you talk. And parents should be real and they should tell their children what they would like from them, and they should discuss relationships and intimacy. With oral sex there is a disconnect between intimacy and relationship and the sexual act.
Neil Bernstein: Yeah, it's about values and that's really the job of a good parent to convey decent morals to their kids. And the other thing I would stress to young people is there really are no shortcuts to intimacy. You just can't achieve it in a few days no matter what you do and a lot of kids don't get that. And a lot of kids get hurt very quickly and rebound etc, etc. And these attitudes are shaped over the course of time. And then parents have to be aware of the power of peer pressure and a good relationship with your son and daughter counteracts that power of peer pressure, certainly negative influences of it.
Katie Couric: So, certainly staying close to your kids in all areas of life, you know, you have to develop that connection to them. So, and also what about a little healthy fear? I always think that's helpful.
Neil Bernstein: Uhhh....
Dr. Marilyn Maxwell: Katie. I agree with that. very complete for that.
Katie Couric: No. I mean I stayed, I stayed pretty straight narrow because I was afraid of not only my parents' rough, not that they weren't great parents, but I was always so terrified of disappointing them. (Yeah)So, you do have to set high standard and make them fearful about when they go against these standards, don't you?
Dr. Marilyn Maxwell: Katie. I think that's so important what you said setting high standards. Some parents are fearful of telling kids what they want and the standards that they'd like them to have. So they need to enforce that...
Katie Couric: They want to be their friends (Yes.)instead of a parental, you know, authority figure.
Neil Bernstein: Yeah, but there's a difference between fear and guilt and there's some confusion about that. (Yeah.)Fear is what will happen to you; guilt is how you will make another person feel.
Katie Couric: I think all those things should be (You know that...)considered even when they are making a distinction of that.
Neil Bernstein: When I was a kid, they were telling us that if you masturbate, your hand would fall off.
Katie Couric: Anyway, well, thank you so much for the advice. It's a tough subject to deal with in five minutes. But thanks so much for trying.
Dr. Marilyn Maxwell: Thank you.
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