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Why do so many couples argue over money?
It's what money represents.
They miss the fact it's not about the money. They are so busy focus on the dollar amount, about how they feel about the money. They realize how they are fighting about money?They are fighting about what the money means to them.
And what does the money mean? Power?
For men, it often means power, it can for women, too, but power, for prestige, status what they've made of themselves? For women, though, it often represents security and it became, it can become a method of fighting, basically like sex.
Partly it could be a weapon.
And they hold from you a weapon.
How many I'll spend at you if you are so busy controling the money. I'll show you what, I'll show you what I can do. I can assert myself and spend it. And really the discussion about money needs to begin before the marriage even.
But people are very reluctant to talk about money because it just seems (a) tacky. It seems not sort of compatible with the notion of love.
Again it's because it what it means it's (so romantic.) about controlling each other. It's not considered romantic. It's considered old so personal. Actually you are right, for some couples even more personal than sex, amazingly. So they don't talk about the money.
I think the way, the approaches to say, what did it, how did your family of origin handle? What was money like when you were growing up? Was it something that was easy available if you feel good about it? Or you are hoarding when you are always saving for catastrophe. How does that work?
Does that mean because you, your, your patterns are established (yes.) by your parents and your family early on? Yes.
Often. And, and your character style. So it's important to ask what's your personality style. Are you a risk-taker? You know, if you marry in a bungee jumper because you love risk-taking. You'd better be prepared for some risk-taking (Do you have get? Do you take that?) in money management,too.
Even though people don't have different attitudes about money. (Inaudible) For example, I am very frugal and Jay had less of a problem spending money than I did. (Oh-oh.) No, it was okay. Yes. Well, (yes.) most the time. Sometimes it annoyed me...
You have to negotiate.
Yeah. You know, it's doesn't mean that you are incompatible (No,not at all) if you have different attitudes about it. (I'll bet anything)It's just better to get it on the table.
It means more communication is necessary.
And it needs to be reviewed and updated regularly. (Exactly)It's not that because well, we've done that now, phew, we've got through that, ahah it's gonna resurface over and over through a marriage.
So, so what other advice would you have for people who are really literally being torn apart by this subject?
Pick one person to be in charge of bills and budgets. Both sit down and look at budgets so you are agreeing about something. See often what's been tossed about is in the air but no concrete examples of, but this is how much money we make. And so this is how much money we can spend, and how much money we wanna save. So have a monthly meeting even about..
Sounds easy but that's hard.
Any,and if you feel that one person is exerting more power in the relationship because of the financial inequity, talk about it.
Absolutely.Yes.
Right?
It's a problem, right. It needs to be...
We need to adjust what's going on. I think this is about power and control. Let's talk about that.
All right. Well, good, good advice, Drew Pinsky and Gail Saltz. Thank you your guys. (My pleasure. Thanks.) Glad to see you again.
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