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Donna Brown and Julie Bell are the wives that kicked their husbands out of their house for a year. They're also the authors of The Scorecard: How To Fix Your Man in One Year or Less. And Jeff Gardere is a psychologist. Good morning to all of you!
Good morning!
Good morning!
So, OK, so you guys decided to kick your husbands out of the house for a year. Did they go willingly?
Er, at that point, they did.
Why?
I think that we had gotten to a point in our relationship where things were so broken that we felt rather hopeless and didn't know how we were gonna move forward in any other way.
Now Julie, you kicked your husband Phil out of the house 'cause you were the only one working, and, and he spent his nights out drinking and, so, why, why did you decide you could save this thing?
So, so we actually did not kick our husbands out as, as a form of negotiation. We kicked our husbands out because we didn't think it was repairable, and it was in that absence of having them in, in the home with us that we were, we were able to really separate ourselves from it.
So you didn't think they, they were coming back?
That's right.
Right.
You said: Bomb out, (That's right.)and then in the, in hindsight you think that was the best thing you could do.
Absolutely.
I think it was the only thing that we could do because until we started thinking with a level of clarity about what we wanted and what we needed, which is sort of the starting place for the Scorecard. We were really unable to separate what was going on from a real plan to move forward.
So in a sense you are saying you were willing to go all the way in that.(That's right.) You didn't , you were thinking they weren't coming back anyway. So you will start from a zero balance sheet.
That's right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Alright, Jeff, is, is this a good plan for people to do it?
I think in this particular case, it was a good plan, because sometimes men or, or, or a woman in that case. They are unable to change unless they feel they are about to lose everything. But I caution folks if you are gonna kick your guy to the curb, do it only if it's a situation that's er not repairable. As in this particular case or there're issues of domestic violence or drug abuse or incest, where there is danger to the family.
OK. Let's say there're none of those issues. Can you change somebody?
I think you can change someone, but you have to be willing as you heard in some of the interviews, you have to be willing to make some changes yourself, and if your guy sees that you're willing to do that, then that is, I think, the impetus for you to make some changes.
You got some tips: Identify the specific problems.
Exactly. If you don't do that right away, you kind of wallow into er, what the problems are. And then you kind of just lose focus. So it's important to know exactly what needs to be changed.
And determine the cause of the negative behavior?
Too often we think that our guys are just bad, or they just want to sabotage our relationships. In fact there are root problems, ur, root causes to many of these problems and sometimes you may need some professional help.
And something that both of you were willing to accept part of your responsibility for the dysfunction in, in the relationship.
Exactly. I think that when you are in it, it's hard to see clearly and one of the things that er, Dave talked about in the earlier segment was that we had really stopped communicating over time. It just, it was so broken that we were. And you know, even for me, who considers herself to be a pretty good communicator, we were not communicating effectively.
And you also feel Jeff you should enter into a quid pro quo informal contract. What do you mean about that?
Yeah. Like if you do for me, I will do for you. In other words, you make some changes, I'll take a look at where I need to make some changes. Let's come up with some group decisions and what that gives us the most important thing about our relationship, is about compromise. (That's right.)And, yes, in compromise, change is good. And that's one of the things that these ladies talk about in their book, that I read by the way.
So, so you say your husband change, did you guys change, too?
Absolutely. I think that one, one great example is in communication that, you know when I was going to work, I was putting my best foot forward at, at the office but not at home and I was treating my co-workers better than I treat my spouse. And that's just one of the small tips that we have in the book, we have changed.
One of our golden rules.
All right. Well, the book is called The Scorecard(That's right.): How To Fix Your Man in One Year or Less. Donna Brown, Julie Bell, Jeff Gardere, thanks so much for being with us and good advice.
Thanks so much Al Roker.
Thank you Al.
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