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We brought in two people to help us understand what regrets are all about. Reverend Sherri Hausser is an associate pastor at the Bryn Mawr Presbyterian Church in Pennsylvania, and Rabbi Irwin Kula is the author of the new book Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life. I like that title. Nice to have you both here. (Thank you) (Good to be here) We,we talked about this, I guess in the meeting, everybody on the staff said we should do a segment about regrets. You both thought we should do a segment about regrets. Why? Why, why is it something we need to talk about?
Regrets are amongst the most human things we have. They're, these amazing invitation and opportunity to grow. So (if) you don't have regrets, I mean I wouldn't wanna deal with someone who didn't have regrets.
But immediately you put a positive spin on regrets, and most people don't do that, most people put a negative spin on regrets.
I think they put a negative spin on regrets because we've been taught that regrets are a bad thing, to repress them. So we have a certain amount of shame about regrets. But I think they are absolutely an opportunity if we acknowledge them.
Basically two kinds of regrets, wouldn't that be fair to say you... most people have regrets about a personal relationship or about an opportunity and, and sometimes obviously those things cross over. When is it normal? When is it, when is the amount of time you spend worrying about something you think about normal, when does it become something that negatively impacts your life?
I think if it makes you stop functioning, then it becomes abnormal as long as the regret stays as kind of an energy. Sometimes you have to sit with it a long time. Ok? You sit with the regret and you try to understand, it's never about the past. Regret is not about the past. It's a present emotion. And what it really is, it's a yearning about something in the future, it's something kind of popping up and saying "wow, I could be more, I could do something different". So it's really about focusing on the future, even though it seems to be about the past.
Sometimes it's about the past; a woman in the pizzeria said I regret not listening to my mom and getting married too young. Clearly she set some problems in the past.
Yeah, that's true. I think that, the, important thing about regret is to not repress it. I think it starts to bother us, and it inhibits us from acting if we don't acknowledge it. I think if we articulate it, look at what the gret regret is. Then it, it frees us up in order to do something about it.
So you both say, "Ok, I've got a regret, all right, here is what I did in a personal relationship, here is what I said to a person that I wished I hadn't said it. Now, get off your butt, and change it. (Yes) So, if you made, if you made someone upset, you go apologize. It is as simple as that?
Well, sometimes it is as simple as that, I mean, depends again what the regret is about. But for example, regretting that you marry too young, it's not about the marry too young, that is over, you can't do anything about the past. But the re, the regret is really about right now. What do I want different about this relationship that I'm in? And sometimes that means I don't wanna be in this relationship anymore, and I have to act that way, and that's a very serious thing, but it is not about the past. A regret is a yearning about the future, and a yearning to be more, right now.
What's the difference between regret and guilt?
I would say that guilt is something that we used to beat ourselves up with. It's something that actually stalls us and keeps us from acting. Re..regret on the other hand, I think it's really an opportunity toward action, if we articulate it, then we're compelled to do something different about it. And it really is an opportunity.
And, and real quickly, either one of you can take this. What do you say to someone, and 'cause some people out there who live with regrets for years, (yes) what do you say to that person?
I would say, first of all, you have to have a shift in perspective, say this the second you feel that regret, "Oh my god, an amazing opportunity right now, to grow, to develop, to discover something new about myself".
I would add to that that the first thing you do is to identify it. The second thing is that if it is something that is past that you can't reclaim it in a certain way, you have to grieve it. The third thing is by grieving and I think you free yourself up in fact to say what can I do now. If it's that I didn't have a child, maybe I can adopt, if I can't adopt, maybe I can engage the children in my life, my niece's, my nephew's, other people's children, volunteer with children. It's a way to really manifest part of ourselves that's been repressed that we've wanted to inform.
I'm gonna make that one the last word, I regret we're out of time, sorry and everyone (thank you so much), thanks very much, we appreciate...
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