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Of Men's Health Magazine and he's written a new book called "Men, Love &Sex, the complete user's guide for women". And Robi Ludwig is a psychotherapist and the host of the TLC show "One Week to Save Your Marriage."
Good morning both of you guys.
Hey, good morning.
Good to see you, Al
Ok,so David in your research it says, basically shows men don't wanna cheat. So , why is it that almost up to 50% on the mark?
Well, guys, we know, a little hard on themselves, in our exclusive poll, what we found was 46% of guys consider it cheating if they have dinner with an attractive co-worker, and didn't tell their wives. So, the percentage of guys actually unzipping is like 28%. (unzipping)
So, so, they, they are included in a, in a way of emotional, what they, might consider emotional (exactly ). So, so Robi, what's, what are some of the reasons?
I think in part they're looking for intimacy and to fill in an emotional void, and so, they do this by cheating . instead of looking into their relationship they wanna feel less bored , they wanna feel excited, they wanna feel young. So, they get pulled in this direction. And what happens is it never really works in the end, because you can't avoid those feelings through an affair.
So ,wh,wh...where do you draw the line? Where is the line drawing. I mean you, everybody flirts to a certain extent, where does it make that jump?
Well, I think there can be healthy flirting, but we have to realize is that flirting , first and foremost, is a non-contact sport. A good rule of thumb is if you are doing anything that you don't want your partner to know you're doing.(Right.) Consider it cheating, (All right.)Well, the only time you should be out, sneaking around your, your partner's back is if you're in a jewelry store and it's Christmas time(absolutely, all for that ), or birthday, there you go.
So, so, then, where, where does this make that jump ,Robi ? Why, (Well.) why do you think this happens?
Especially for the men, if they feel emotionally connected to a woman, they can very, very easily move into sexual intimacy. If you are basically turning to a person outside of your relationship to share intimate details, then you are in dangerous territory of an affair happening.
And then, so, David, What about keeping the relationship intact?. What is, what is it that your survey shows that the men want?
Well, I think you should if you are trying to keep the relationship intact, you should do 3 things. No 1, you should avoid this sticky situations. Think something like alcohol hates monogamy. The other thing you should do is maybe change your perception of monogamy, monogamy is not a lack of other women, it's expertise in one, and the third thing is really take a hard look at your life goals, and ask yourself, "ok, are we sharing similar values and a vision for the future?" If he wants to adopt children from Africa, and she wants to adopt Vince Vaughn, then it's very possible that you're going to look to hitch a ride on the wagon. You know with someone else going in the different direction.
And, and when a couple finds themselves in this, this position , Robi,er, obviously, the man who cheats, is.... can't ,eh eh ,avoid responsibility. (Right.) But does the,the spouse have to look at what's going on in their relationship that led to this?
Yes, I mean, of course, she always wanna take responsibility wherever you can't say, "is there anything I'm doing that's contributing, but you have to understand sometimes men cheat because it's in their nature. They just, it's just, it has nothing to do with their relationship. "
OK, hooold hold, hold it.....I think that's, that's biology. Will man just ,does that hold water?
Oh, no, I mean, now look I think we all wrestled with the call of the wild. And at the end of the day, we're looking for reaffirmation that were sexy, were interesting, were attractive.
But is there any difference for women than for men?
No, but, but, I think what's really important to know is just because a person cheats doesn't mean it has anything to do with the relationship necessarily. Sometimes, it has to do more with the person's psyche, and what they are trying to wrestle with, it might be their idea of manhood. Or just they feel that it's too hard to resist, you know, it feels good to be able to move in the direction where you are getting a lot of attention. Sometimes, it's very hard to say no.
Ok, for the, the,the spouse, who is being cheated on. What are the, what are some of signs to look for?
If , if all the sudden they are very into their appearance, they've lost a lot of weight, they're getting new clothes, they're spending a lot time in the mirror, that's something to be aware of. There is a change of behavior, they are being more guarded. Spending more time away, spending time on the telephone, guarded about finances, err. these all are, any time there is a broad change, and sometimes, if they are talking about another woman as a friend to throw you off, that might not be just a friend. (kinda of a smoke screen) Yeah, exactly.
So , can men and women be friends, I mean not have to worry about that making that jump?
I , I think men and women can be friends, and I think you can bounce back after you've cheated. If you look at what's occurred, you know, in the real way as an opportunity for repair and reckoning. You know( But both people have to wanna do it) in a crisis, couples can get stronger.
Both people have to wanna do it ,may have to be willing to move forward in a different kind of way. (and, and be willing to make that commitment ..)
Absolutely.
Alright. Robi Ludwig, and David Zinczenko, Zinczenko, Zinczenko I'm just gonna call you David Z from now on. (There you go) David Z (Ok,thanks a lot)
Thanks so much.
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