父亲节谈谈当父亲的喜怒哀乐（打印版）

　　To my husband, my editor, my colleagues, my brother, and my friends who have the good fortune to celebrate Father's Day, congrats. Where would we be without you?

　　致我的丈夫，我的主编，我的同事们，我的兄弟们，还有我的朋友们，祝你们父亲节快乐。如果没有你们，我们将会身处何方？

　　1. Receiving cards on your birthday and on Father's Day which, while ostensibly an indication of affection, playfully suggest that you are lazy, cheap, overweight, getting older or going bald. Despite the fact that these are the only items available in major greeting card outlets, your feelings are sometimes hurt, although it is fully expected that you will laugh and say "thanks," anyway. Yet, you can't seem to shake the nagging awareness that their mother has yet to receive a Mother's Day card suggesting that she is fat, cheap, aging or grumpy.

　　1. 在你们的生日当天或父亲节时收到贺卡，这虽然表面上看起来是爱的体现，实际上却是以开玩笑的口吻暗示着你们很懒惰，很小气，你们体重超标了，你们老了或者是你们的头发越来越稀疏了。尽管商店里只卖这类型的贺卡，你们还是感觉到有点儿受伤。但无论如何，孩子们很可能希望你们看到贺卡能开怀大笑，或者说句“谢谢”。不过，孩子们的母亲在母亲节那天可没收到这种卡片，暗示着她们变胖了，变老了，或者是脾气变暴躁了。对于这件事，你似乎总是难以释怀。

　　2. Having to refrain from making sarcastic remarks when your offspring wish to dye their hair, pierce their eyebrows or tattoo various parts of their person. It is tough not to say "I would have produced a piece of fabric instead of a kid if I knew all the future held in store was a series of tailoring exercises," but you must not say this.

　　2.当孩子们想要染头发，穿眉环或者在身上各个部位纹身时，你们得忍住不去挖苦他们。“早知道要孩子以后会面临这些立规修养的活儿还不如花功夫织块布呢，”这样的话可能就在嘴边，但你们必须忍住不说出口。

　　3. Having not to swear in front of children. Even when you find a melted chocolate bar on the front seat of the car. Even when their bedroom windows are open in the middle of February while this year's heating bills are higher than the salary at your first job. Even when they put caffeinated coffee in the coffeemaker without warning you and you spend the day wondering why your hands are tingling and why you have a sudden wish to sprint down the hallway at work. You don't want them to be confused by learning profanity at home rather than from their peers or from television, like the rest of the kids.

　　3. 不要在孩子面前说脏话。即使你发现车前座上有一块融化了的巧克力；即使今年暖气费比你第一份工作的薪水还要高而你的孩子却在寒冬2月开着卧室的窗户；即使孩子们将含咖啡因的咖啡放入了咖啡机却没有告诉你一声，导致你的手一整天都颤个不停，还会在工作时产生要在过道里猛跑一阵的冲动。孩子们在家里学到脏话，而不是像其他孩子一样从同伴或是电视里学到，会对他们造成困扰，而你并不想这样。

　　4. Always dropping everyone else off at the door of the (choose most frequent option): restaurant, school event, place of worship, mall or party, and then heading off to search for a parking place. The weather can be a factor in all of this, but you will be exposed to the elements because it will be assumed that you will miraculously be less bothered than others by rain, snow, hail or, for that matter, meteor showers. The knowledge that you will later have to head out to locate the car to pick everyone else up when it is done, only to have to wait while they say their extended farewells or find a really cool bargain right near the door and "it will just take a second to buy it, OK?" is not terribly reassuring.

　　4.你们常常要负责将家人送到目的地（请选择你们最常去的地方）：饭馆，学校活动，做礼拜的地方，购物商场或派对，然后独自去找地方停车。这种时候天气往往会是一个困扰你的因素，但接受这一挑战的总是你，因为家人总认为你们具有非凡的能力，相较其他家庭成员更有能力应付大雨，大雪，冰雹甚至是流星雨带来的困扰。活动结束后，你们还得先出去取车，把大家接上车，却发现你们不得不再等等他们，因为他们可能还在跟朋友告别，或者是在商场门口发现很值得买的便宜货。而他们口中的“我要去买个东西，再等我一秒钟好吗？”通常并不可靠。

　　1. In very few households will you be asked at 7 p.m. the night before it is needed to make a costume depicting authentic dress from the Huron tribe for Native American Awareness Day at school.

　　1.学校第二天要举办的土著印第安人日活动，而前一天晚上7点才要给孩子们准备一套能够体现休伦部落传统服饰的演出服。这种事情多数家庭都不会让爸爸来做。

　　2. You can make up wholly fictional explanations and rationales for life, explain them in your best authoritative "Dad" voice, and have them be believed, at least briefly. For example, "Those speed bumps are put in front of tollbooth plazas so that hard-of-seeing drivers will have more time to find exact change," is one I was exposed to at a tender time of life. I believed it. It took me years to figure out why everyone else was laughing.

　　2. 你们可以用最擅长的“父亲”的权威口吻编造关于人生的理论，然后让孩子相信你们，至少是暂时信服。拿我来说吧，当我还年少无知时，我常常听说“收费站前设有减速带是为了让那些眼神不好的司机有多点时间找零钱”。我相信了。很多年之后，我才明白为什么大家听到这个说法会哈哈大笑。

　　3. You will be told in a casual manner about some of the most momentous events in your children's lives only AFTER they have been resolved. "I told Joshua that I would save up money and go hitchhiking with him in Turkey for the summer even though I have to retake geometry because I didn't quite pass it, but Josh was grounded for having his hair dyed, getting his eyebrow pierced and getting a tattoo. I'm REALLY glad I don't have a restrictive dad like his."

　　3.对于孩子们生活中的大事，他们通常会在自己解决完之后再以随意的口吻知会你。“我曾告诉约书亚虽然我没通过几何考试，得重修，但我还是会攒钱，在今年暑假和他一起搭车去土耳其。不过乔希因染发，穿眉环和刺青而被禁足了。我真的很庆幸我的父亲没那么严格。”

　　2. Not feeling like you can say the heartbreakingly tender things to your kids you would like to say because you feel shy, or you're afraid they'd be embarrassed, or because you feel embarrassed or because your father never said stuff like that and you don't know how. The last reason is wholly unacceptable and indicates a need for serious emotional review, but all the other excuses are in fact the very BEST reasons to say the generous things you need to say and they need to hear.

　　2. 你感觉没法对孩子们说温柔感人的话。这也许是因为你觉得害羞，或者你担心孩子们会尴尬，或者你担心自己会尴尬，或者是因为你的父亲从未对你说过这样的话所以你不知道该怎么对你的孩子表达。最后一个理由是完全无法让人接受的，也暗示着你需要进行深刻的情感反省。而事实上，其余的理由恰好是你该对你的孩子们说这些温柔的话语的理由，同时也是他们需要听这些话的理由。

父亲节谈谈当父亲的喜怒哀乐（在线收听）