美国国家公共电台 NPR Opening Credits（在线收听）

Opening Credits

play pause stop mute unmute max volume 00:0012:29repeat repeat off Update Required To play the media you will need to either update your browser to a recent version or update your Flash plugin. OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST: 

From NPR and WNYC, this is ASK ME ANOTHER. I'm Ophira Eisenberg, and I'm here in studio with house musician Jonathan Coulton 'cause this week, we're dedicating an hour to a special theme, TV, TV on the radio. That's right, it's our first and only television show on the radio. It's about time, I'd say. We're going to be revisiting some of our favorite games about television. And we're going to be playing a brand-new game with one lucky phone contestant. Jonathan, is there a show that you wish had its own spinoff, like "The Walking Dead" has “Fear The Walking Dead?"

JONATHAN COULTON: Yeah. I feel like when they did a spinoff of "Walking Dead," they missed a great opportunity.

EISENBERG: Oh, yeah?

COULTON: Well, what they should have done is done a spinoff where it's just about one of the zombies.

EISENBERG: The life of the zombie?

COULTON: The life of the zombie. It's just its day-to-day life. You follow him around. He's kind of shuffling for maybe 20 minutes in the show. And he hears a noise, and he goes, he checks it out, it's nothing. But sometimes it's a person. "Walking Dead: Miami," "Walking Dead: SVU..."

COULTON: "Walking Dead: Las Vegas" - oh, brilliant. So in this game, we play a word game in which we create television show spinoffs. Let's see how well contestants Carmine Giovino and Annie Brogan do in this game.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

COULTON: Puzzle guru John Chaneski, please give us an example.

JOHN CHANESKI: Sheriff Rick Grimes thought that zombies in America were tough. But now he's fighting meat puppets on a lake in the Middle East that's got so much salt in it, the zombies float. That would be a summary for "The Walking Dead Sea."

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: So it's a bit of a mash-up, a bit of a pun. It will always start with the name of an actual television show with some extra stuff jammed onto the end...

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: ...Elegantly. Are you ready?

ANNIE BROGAN: Let's do it.

CARMINE GIOVINO: Let's do it.

COULTON: OK. Down on their luck, the Dunphys and the Pritchetts go on a popular game show and suddenly find themselves undefeated champions. Will their hilarious answers to survey questions ever end?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Annie.

BROGAN: "Modern Family Feud."

COULTON: You got it.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: In this prequel spinoff, we discover the real reason Walter White started his meth empire - years of exposure to chemicals gave him chronic halitosis.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Annie.

BROGAN: "Breaking Bad Breath?"

COULTON: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Sort of a limited idea for a series, but...

EISENBERG: I love it. It's like who cares about your breath when you have meth teeth, I guess the...

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Your breath is sort of the least of your worries.

EISENBERG: Exactly.

COULTON: To make up for a series finale that was hated by its fans, Ted Mosby and Robin begin telling the kids the story of how they purchased a liberal political magazine and launched a media empire.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Annie.

BROGAN: "How I Met Your Mother Jones."

COULTON: Nice.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: People are impressed by that. They're like, oh, that sounds like a show I would like.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Upon regenerating for the 12th time, our title character's tardis - that's a hint - is pulled to New York City, where he is challenged to answer increasingly difficult multiple-choice questions to win a life-changing amount of money.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Oh, Carmine, you don't know?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: You're just giving it to Annie?

COULTON: Carmine is like go ahead, Annie.

BROGAN: "Doctor Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

COULTON: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

GIOVINO: This was my biggest fear.

(LAUGHTER)

GIOVINO: Not just about this show in general. This was my biggest fear.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: In your life.

GIOVINO: Yeah.

COULTON: When Peter Griffin leaves this animated show to pursue other opportunities, he is replaced by a British director whose ex-wife Madonna makes frequent appearances in cutaway gags.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GIOVINO: Yes.

COULTON: Carmine.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Great job, Carmine.

GIOVINO: I don't want to screw this up now - "Family Guy Ritchie."

COULTON: That's right.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

GIOVINO: I'm on the board.

COULTON: That's Carmine, ladies and gentlemen...

EISENBERG: Yeah.

COULTON: ...Buzzer number two. To make peace with their human counterparts, the vampires of Bon Temp form a medical supply company and embark on a noble challenge to create a device that makes the most accurate systolic and diastolic measurements ever.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Carmine.

GIOVINO: "True Blood Drive?" "True Blood Machine."

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: No, those are both wrong.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Annie, do you have a guess?

BROGAN: I do and it's only because he said "True Blood," so thank you.

GIOVINO: You're welcome. Do I get half a point?

COULTON: Story of your life, Carmine.

BROGAN: "True Blood Pressure Gauge?"

COULTON: Just True Blood Pressure would have done it.

BROGAN: Oh, OK.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Wait, wait, wait, it's where you go if you are feeling twilight-headed.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Wow.

EISENBERG: Come on.

COULTON: Wow, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. All right, this is your last question. In the season finale, Frank Underwood attempts to undermine his opponents chances at winning the presidency by filming him playing an offensive fill-in-the-blank party game with wealthy donors.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Carmine.

GIOVINO: "House Of Cards Against Humanity?"

COULTON: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: John Chaneski, how did our contestants do?

CHANESKI: Well, he made a big push at the end, but I'm afraid our winner today of Spinoffs is Annie. Way to go, Annie.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: The sad thing about all TV shows is that they have to win sometimes, except, of course, for "The Simpsons." That show is going to outlast us all. But the best thing a TV show creator can hope for is that you know when the end is coming and you can write a fitting last episode.

EISENBERG: Sometimes, that episode is amazing, like Don Draper sitting on the top of a mountain.

COULTON: Whoa.

EISENBERG: Oh, sorry.

COULTON: That's a spoiler.

EISENBERG: Spoiler.

And other times, the ending gets a little weird. So in the game, we quizzed James Gallen and Adar Eisenbruch on series finales that were a little controversial.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

COULTON: You ready?

EISENBERG: The family matriarch sits with her typewriter in the basement. A voiceover tells us that she never won the lottery. It was just a fantasy. Worse, we find out that Dan has been dead for the entire last season. Mrs. Connor curls up on a ratty couch, turns on the TV as a quote from "Lawrence Of Arabia" flashes on the screen.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: James.

JAMES GALLEN: "Roseanne."

EISENBERG: That is correct, "Roseanne."

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: It was a weird one.

GALLEN: Oh, I love "Roseanne." That was, like, the best show growing up. I wasn't allowed to watch it 'cause I was too little, but I used to sneak in.

EISENBERG: And they thought you would be influenced by that show in a bad way.

GALLEN: You know, working-class - I don't think it was, like, a bad thing.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: You don't want to show kids a lot of working-class stuff.

GALLEN: We just watched "Dynasty" and went, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Aspirational television.

EISENBERG: People who work nine-to-five jobs are beneath you, James.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Did you grow up really rich, James?

GALLEN: No. And I'm unemployed now. So...

EISENBERG: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So...

COULTON: Our leading man takes his sister off life support and dumps her body in the ocean. Days later, we find out that he is dead, too - fade to black. But wait - suddenly, we're in the Pacific Northwest where our hero is hiding out, working as a truck driver. His beard is longer, and he's wearing flannel.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: James.

GALLEN: "Dexter."

COULTON: "Dexter" is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: I love a disguise where your beard is just longer.

COULTON: Right. I'm wearing that right now.

EISENBERG: Yeah, you're wearing - yeah. Our protagonist walks down a busy New York street in the same fur coat she wore in the series premiere. Her pink cellphone rings. She checks the caller ID, and finally, we learn that Mr. Big's real first name is - wait for it - John.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: James.

GALLEN: "Sex And The City."

EISENBERG: "Sex And The City," yep.

(APPLAUSE)

GALLEN: My wife watched that movie every day for, like, a year - the one, not two.

EISENBERG: Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

WILL HINES: She has standards.

EISENBERG: Yeah, that is - thank goodness.

HINES: No working-class people in it either, so both...

(LAUGHTER)

HINES: ...Both spouses are happy.

EISENBERG: Still OK, still OK.

GALLEN: Safe - safe to watch.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: The citizens of Walnut Grove, Minn., discover that their small town has been purchased by a rich robber baron. In a bizarre attempt to preserve their dignity, Laura and the townsfolk elect to blow up their own homes. We watch everything explode.

I remember watching this. It was weird.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GALLEN: "Twin Peaks."

COULTON: That's a fine guess, but it's incorrect. Adar, do you know the answer?

ADAR EISENBRUCH: There's a chance that I misrepresented my skill set during the application process.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

EISENBRUCH: I don't know the answer.

COULTON: I have never watched television. I do not know what television is.

HINES: Yeah. Not a day goes by that I don't think the same thing.

EISENBERG: I know. Do you watch a lot of television?

EISENBRUCH: Well, I thought I did but, apparently, not nearly enough.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: You're wasting all your time in grad school.

EISENBRUCH: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: You got to be unemployed like James.

EISENBERG: See.

COULTON: You'll have plenty time for television.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: The answer we were looking for was "Little House On The Prairie."

EISENBERG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Bizarre way to end that series.

EISENBERG: We're in present-day New York City. Everyone's married to or about to get married to their high school sweetheart. After six years of guessing, we finally find out which character Kristen Bell was performing her voiceover for, and it was a guy.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: James.

GALLEN: "Gossip Girl."

EISENBERG: Yes, indeed.

COULTON: Wow.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBRUCH: I don't feel bad that he got it all.

(LAUGHTER)

GALLEN: I feel bad that I got it.

COULTON: This children's series ends with Earl Sinclair gathering his family in the living room. He tells his children that his attempts to tamper with nature have set about the end of the world. What's going to happen to us? - his adorable baby asks. The snow outside the window answers the question. Global cooling has doomed their entire species.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: James.

GALLEN: "Dinosaurs."

COULTON: "Dinosaurs," are you kidding me?

GALLEN: I have nothing to do.

(LAUGHTER)

HINES: Who knew that "Gossip Girl" and "Dinosaurs" was reaching the same demographic?

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: You're breaking all the models, James. This is fantastic.

GALLEN: I'm a Renaissance man.

COULTON: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: I would like to give you a job right now, James.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Will you watch television for me?

GALLEN: I will.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Yeah, you could do coverage or something at the very least.

COULTON: Something, yeah.

EISENBERG: Scheduling - maybe scheduling would be good for you 'cause you're, like, 8 a.m., I watch "Dinosaurs."

(LAUGHTER)

GALLEN: I don't get up until noon.

(LAUGHTER)

HINES: You're not not selling us.

EISENBERG: Yeah, you're just bragging now, really.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: All right. We're in church. Nearly all of the show's main characters, including deceased ones, hug and exchange meaningful looks. But no one says a word. Cut to the bamboo forest where our bleeding protagonist is taking his final breath. Now we're back in church as blinding light swallows the scene. The last shot - Jack's eye closes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GALLEN: Sorry.

EISENBERG: James.

GALLEN: "Lost."

EISENBERG: "Lost" is correct, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Puzzle guru Will Hines.

(LAUGHTER)

HINES: I mean, in the realms of honesty, they were both winners.

(LAUGHTER)

HINES: But...

EISENBRUCH: Thank you.

HINES: ...In terms of knowing - maybe an unflattering amount about the end of a lot of television series...

(LAUGHTER)

HINES: ...James was the clear winner. So, James, well done. You're moving on to the final round.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Coming up after the break, we get comfortable with someone who really does have the dream job of getting paid to watch television. I'm talking New Yorker television columnist Emily Nussbaum and indie rock band They Might Be Giants joins Jonathan Coulton in reviving some classic TV themes. I'm Ophira Eisenberg, and this ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR.

(SOUNDBITE OF JESSICA PARE SONG, "ZOU BISOUS BISOUS")