访谈录 Interview 2007-05-18&20, 结婚?放聪明点!（在线收听）

Divorce may seem like the rule rather than the exception here in the US. But believe it or not, the divorce rate is actually on a steady decline. In fact, a new study now puts it at the lowest level since 1970. Joining us now is Dr. Keith Ablow, author of the book Living the Truth.

And Dr.Ablow, welcome, good to see you again.

Thank you, Lester.

This is great news.

Well, well, you know what...here is the thing. Some experts are saying it's great news. Others are disagreeing. I have to be "a glass is half-empty one" on this one.

Alright, what are we not seeing in these numbers?

Alright we're not seeing is that, although the divorce rate has declined to the lowest level since 1970. The marriage rate has declined 30% in the last 25 years.

So, that tells a bit, maybe people are opting not to get into bad marriages.

Not to get into marriages at all, it seems or perhaps not bad marriages. That's right. And they're living together more. So there is a tenfold increase in the number of people living together since 1960.

Is that worrisome that people are choosing not to get married?

Well, here is the thing. I think there is a crisis in marriage in the United States that's yet to be declared. And that is this: people are looking at their parents' marriages. They are looking at their own and they are saying: We are not sure how to maintain our passion and our happiness in this architecture. And so, you could say that people opting out is a problem. I go to the happiness factor, are they happy in either situation?

And we're also seeing people who are gonna get married. But they seem to be putting it off later in lives. I've seen there are now more and more people in their late 30s even in their early 40s who are not married yet.

Exactly, and what I'd like to tell people is: It doesn't matter if you marry 25, you marry at 35. The issue has been, as I've seen it in my practice, that if you are working off a old dynamics, if you are repeating the very same patterns from your parents' marriage, for instance, if those were somewhat negative, not terribly negative, but somewhat, then it's gonna be very hard to start a fresh and sign on in an intimate and permanent way with anybody.

I want to swing this back to a more positive, positive place. (Let's do that!) People, are people getting help now in a way they didn't use. There used to be a real stigma with getting marriage counseling. Are people saying: Hey, we can save this. And let's make this work.

You know what, I think people are saying that they are voting with their feet, they are saying, let's get some marriage counseling, if they have the resources to do it. That's one reason I wrote Living the Truth, it's because not everybody has the resources for marriage counseling and what's required is to go back. Very often, people marry out of core weaknesses, believe it or not, and they can heal each other in their marriages. Too often, they end them at the very point where they can become more intimate with each other, but takes courage.

Right! We also know that typically, a lot of families, couples will stay together because of the children. Also it is not an increasing awareness of the fact that standard of living can take a real drop after divorce?

Absolutely, look, I think that there is barrier to entry to marriage in terms of commitment. There is a barrier to exit in marriage, namely all of the amount of work you have to do if you decide that you do wanna leave. I can tell you this. It's anecdotal but it's my experience, and my practice. I've actually never had anyone come to my practice and say: My big problem is my parents' divorce amicably. I've had lots of people come and say: I think my problem is my parents' stay together in a bad marriage. Lots of people.

Is it hard as a counselor to tell a couple, you know what, maybe you should, should break up.

It is hard, you know, and what I tried to do is before that, exhaust every remedy and that's including going back and saying: Listen! Let's find out why you chose each other? And whether you are reproducing patterns from the past in this marriage that you can get beyond, because you know what, once you tell one another who you really are in the context of a marriage, that's when you truly bond. And people may not do that for 10 or 15 years.

Alright, we've gotta end there, but Dr.Keith Ablow, always good to have you on. Thanks so much!

It's a pleasure, Laster, thank you.
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