Everyone have a seat, settle down。You've never seen one of these shows before. 大家请坐吧 简直像没看过这种节目似的

Gosh,It's a TV show.Very nice.We have a great show tonight, don't you think? 天呐 是个电视节目呢 太棒了 今晚节目很棒 是吧

Absolutely. You know my opinion doesn't mean much around here,but I think sure it's great 绝对的 虽然我的意见在这里也不顶事 但是 我觉得挺好的

(He) doesn't come to rehearsal. How would you know?Just the feeling 他也不来彩排 你怎么知道 就是直觉

Yeah we have an excellent,excellent program tonight, someone just talked about Hillary Clinton campaingning very hard for the presidency.She's out there. 今晚节目很棒 刚才有人说希拉里·克林顿正在努力进行总统竞选 她正在外奔走

Getting that vote out，Getting that vote out. 她在到处拉票，到处拉票 

In an interview Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. 在一段采访中 希拉里·克林顿说 她喜欢几乎所有的冰淇淋口味

You know,when he heard this Chris Christie said hey, she stole my speech. 听到之后，克里斯·克里斯蒂说 她抢了我的话

Yeah, I thought that was wrong, myself,I like every flavor of ice cream. 我觉得这不太好 我喜欢每一种冰淇淋口味

Come on,rum raisin,I know, ridiculous. 拜托 朗姆葡萄口味 是啊 简直荒唐

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump pinatas filled with candy 休斯顿一家商店在出售装满糖果的唐纳德·特朗普彩罐

So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump. 看来唐纳德·特朗普终于要有积极贡献了

A...ah... Acted a lot of stuff there. 一个……啊……我表演了很多东西

A company is trying to fund a new endeavor,I'm not kidding about this,known as Uber for kids. 一家公司想要支持一项新事业 这不是我编的 该事业称为儿童优步

Yeah, so parents will soon be teaching their kids that they shouldn't talk to strangers but the should get into a car with them. 是的 很快家长就要教孩子 他们不该同陌生人说话 但可以上陌生人的车

That's a true thing, that's the worst idea. 真的 这主意糟糕透顶了

The crowd didn't find anything about that story amusing. 而观众们居然完全不觉得好笑

That's a true story. 这是真事啊