Thank you. That was the closest I've come to sex in, like, two years. 谢谢，这大概是两年来我跟性行为最接近的一次接触了

Now I feel a little gross. 说得我都有点恶心

You're only making it seem more real for me. 你说得让我觉得更像那么回事了

Hey, that's my wife. If anyone's gonna make her feel gross about sex, it's me. 喂，她是我老婆，只有我才能让她做爱到恶心

Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life? 能不能谈点别的，别老戳我没人爱的痛处

How about Penny's depressing acting career? 要不戳戳佩妮演艺生涯的痛处?

Hey, I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams, and in my book, that is not depressing. 虽然走得不大顺，但佩妮一直追逐自己的梦想，在我的字典里，这不叫痛处

Aw... Thank you. Is that book called Lies I Tell to Get Sex? 谢谢支持，那本字典是叫《论如何通过撒谎来滚床单》么?

Is that a real book? I would totally read that book. 真有这本书嘛?我真心想读读那本书

Can I borrow it when you're done? 你看完之后能借我不?

Well, I'll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week. 我跟你们说上周我拒掉一个电影的出演机会

Why would you do that? 为什么呀?

Because it was crap. It's a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in. 因为是部烂片，是我演的那部杀人猩猩的续集

Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that. 《连环杀人猩》?电影里你不是已经死了吗?

She does. 42 minutes in. While showering topless, 她是死了，42分的时候死了，是裸上身沐浴的时候死的

16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters. 16分钟前和女生联谊会的姐妹们枕头大战时也曾侧臀微露

I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is. 我是记忆力超群，但不知道他怎么记这么清楚

Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, 这次没有沐浴的场景，他们想用我的尸体进行克隆

but my DNA gets mixed with the ape's DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet. 但我的DNA和猩猩的DNA混在了一起，最后我长出了大猩猩的手和脚

Am I missing something, or isn't that the part she was born to play? 我漏掉什么重点了吗？这不是为她天造地设的角色吗?

So are you really not gonna do this movie? 你真的不打算演那部电影了?

Well, I don't think it's the kind of part that's good for my career. 我觉得这种角色无益于我的演艺生涯

Well, but don't a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies? 但是很多大腕不是都从烂片开始演起的吗?

Okay, I don't think Meryl Streep ever had to say... "Must keep gorilla hands from killing again!" 梅丽尔·斯特里普可从没说过这样的台词，"猩猩之手不能再沾上鲜血了"

If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong. 如果她来说，肯定很精彩，那个女人什么都能演

I-I don't know anything about show business, 演艺圈的事我一无所知

so if you think it's reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I'm sure you know what you're doing. 所以，如果你觉得拒掉有薪酬的工作一直坐吃山空是明智的选择的话，我想你自己心里有数

I think we're gonna go. 我们该走了

Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. 你确定?我们正在嘲讽失败的事业呢

We didn't get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard's. 还没开始嘲讽霍华德的工作呢

Hey, I work at the same university you do. 喂，我跟你在一个大学工作好么

Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says, "Help, Hawkeye!" 是呀，鹰眼侠也在《复仇者联盟》里怎么也没听人喊"救我，鹰眼侠"

Can I ask you something? 我能问你点事不?

Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband? 为什么你要一直打击我老公?

Oh, I'm sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices. 肯定是因为爱啊，我男朋友也是通过打击我的人生选择来表达爱意的

I think we're gonna go. 我觉得我们该走了

No, no, no. This is not a fight. 等下等下，这又不是吵架

I-I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you'd rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. 我只是很高兴你接到一个角色有点惊讶为什么你宁愿在家无所事事也不去拍戏

Now it's a fight. 现在升级成吵架了

Well, with that sorted out, I'm happy to answer your question, Bernadette. 既然他们的事已经解决了，我很乐意回答你的问题，伯纳黛特

Howard started it. 是霍华德先挑起的

I didn't do anything. I was just sitting here. 我啥事没干啊，我就一直坐这

I wasn't referring to this evening. 我不是说今天晚上

Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. 10年前，我们第一次见面你老公说我看起来像C-3PO（《星球大战》中的机器人）机器人，和喜剧演员皮·威·赫尔曼的结合体

And he called me C-3P-wee Herman. Still funny. 他还叫我C-3P威·赫尔曼。还是很好笑

That was ten years ago. 都是10年前的事了

Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, 9年11个月零3个星期之前

he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over. Really? 他再次犯贱，把我演讲PPT里几张幻灯片换成了裸体胖女人弯腰的照片。真的吗?

The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That's funny! 那个演讲是关于宇宙气体云的。多有趣啊!

I was there. It was funny. 我在场，确实很有趣

In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. 不管怎么说，这引发了长达十年的羞辱，恶搞和不请自来的杂志

To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. 直到今天，我还会收到每月一刊的《奶奶也疯狂》

Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth. 除了趣味难题那一页超级有趣外，其他的完全不堪入目

Thanks for walking me to my car. 谢谢你陪我走到停车的地方

Actually, it's for both of us. 其实，我也要谢谢你

Last night, I watched West Side Story, and I'm a little freaked out by street gangs. 昨晚我看了一部《西区故事》美国歌舞片，里面涉及了一些社会问题，我有点被街头小流氓吓到了

Why can't Raj find a girl? The mystery continues. 为什么拉杰找不到女朋友?仍然是未解之谜

I don't appreciate your sarcasm, but we've still got two blocks to go, so I'll put up with it. 我不喜欢你的讽刺，但是还有两条街要走，我忍了

Whatever happened with your online dating? 你的网上相亲怎么样了?

No one was writing me back, so I stopped checking my profile. 没人回复我，所以我不再登录了

Before I met Sheldon, I was ready to give up, too. 遇到谢尔顿之前，我也几乎要放弃了

Once, I even dropped in on my OB/GYN just to get some human contact. 有一次，我甚至去看妇产科就是想得到一些肌肤接触

It has been a while since I got my prostate checked. 有段时间没去前列腺检查了

Then I met Sheldon and look at where we are now. 然后我遇到了谢尔顿，看我们现在多好

What? You've kissed, like, once in three years. 好?你们三年才亲过一次

That's true. Do whatever you want. 说得没错，你爱咋咋滴

Hey. Hello. Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends. Really? 在呀。好呀。我在想，也许我们能试着做更好的朋友。真的吗?

I was thinking what we have now is a bit much. 我觉得我俩现在已经有点好过头了

Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and...   别这样，昨天晚上我跟伯纳黛特聊过了，

she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn't hear the rest 'cause she took her bra off. 她说的几点都很有道理。我们俩认识也挺久了，后来就没听到了，因为她把胸罩给脱了

Very well. How do you propose we move forward? 好吧，你觉得如何改善?

Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other. 首先，不再相互讽刺

That's a great idea. 好主意

And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it. 本着改善关系的精神，如果你提出什么建议，我会假装不惊讶

Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can't go. 我被邀请这周末去休斯顿的国家宇航局总部做一个演讲，他们给了我两张票，伯纳黛特去不了

You want to come with me?You can visit your mom, and I'll show you around the space center. 你要和我一起去吗?你可以探望下母亲，我可以带你逛逛太空中心

I have one question. 我有一个疑问

Is this a prank... 这是不是恶作剧

where we land in Houston and you've made up wanted posters that have my face with a mustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America? No. 当我们抵达休斯顿，你伪造了通缉告示，告示上的我长着小胡子，还编排个西班牙名，然后我被逮捕并驱逐到南美洲?当然不会

I'm glad because I would not have seen that coming. 我很高兴你能请我去，因为我也没那样想

Amy, I could use some help. 艾米，我想找你帮个忙

Oh. Let me guess. There's an... undergrad in a leather jacket snapping his fingers by the water fountain. 让我猜猜看，是不是有个穿着皮夹克的本科生在饮水机旁弹着响指

I thought about what you said last night, and I went back on the dating Web site and I was looking at this girl's profile. 我想了一下你昨天晚上说的话，所以我重新登录了那个相亲网站，就看到了这个女孩的资料

She's amazing. 她真的很棒

Oh, she's cute. 挺可爱的嘛

And smart. Phi Beta Kappa. 还很聪明，是优等生学会的呢

And judging by her lack of Adam's apple, she's been female her entire life. 从她没有结喉这点判断，她一直都是女儿身

I like that in a woman. 我喜欢这样子的女人

Great, so what do you need me for? 不错，那你需要我帮你做什么?

Well, I was up all night trying to write to her, but I wanted to run it by you first. All right. 我昨晚一夜没睡，都在给她写信，但我想让你先过目。好吧

"Emily" your face is like a precious dew-kissed flower..." Wow. "艾米丽, "你的娇容就如挂满露珠的鲜花..."我去

I know. Powerful stuff, huh? No. You're supposed to be yourself, not all... desperate and creepy. 我知道，太震撼了是吧?不是，你应该真实一点，而不是表现得...又绝望又猥琐

Okay, I'm getting some mixed messages here. 好吧，我觉得你说话前后矛盾啊

Just say something normal like, "I saw your profile. 说些正常的话，例如，"我看过你的资料"

"Looks like we have a lot in common; let's get a cup of coffee sometime." Yes. "Where I can be" jealous of the cup touching your ruby lips." "看起来咱有蛮多的共通点"，不如有空去喝杯咖啡吧"对，"那我就可以妒忌咖啡杯触碰你鲜艳欲滴的娇唇"

Or you just write it for me. 或者你帮我写就好了

I'm not gonna pretend to be you. 我可不要假装是你

I don't want you to pretend to be me. You can be like my, uh, online wingman. 我不想你假装是我，你可以做我的网上泡妞搭档

Like if we met her at a bar and you talked me up. 比如，如果我们在酒吧里见面，你可以在她面前帮我美言几句

Well, what would I say to her? 好吧，那你希望我对她说些啥呢?

Just tell her what I'm really like. 就告诉她我是个怎样的人

And, if you think it'll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. 还有，如果你觉得这句话有用，你就说有次看到我换衣服，我的小兄弟让你想起美洲虎强健结实的尾巴

Use your own words. 用你自己的话来说

Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy. 再次谢谢你带我去药房

Oh, it's no problem. Is everything okay? 小事一桩啦，你没事吧?

Oh, I'm fine. It's just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. 我没事，只是去买一些我旅行用的胃药

There's the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America. 虽然不大可能，但我还是有被扔到南美洲的可能

Remember the old days when I would've said something dumb like "Why?" 还记得过去我会很没脑子地接茬说"为什么"吗?

Uh, that doesn't sound good. 听起来不妙

Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on? 还记得过去我会提醒你发动机故障灯亮着吗?

Yes. Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane: Penny, your check engine... Yeah, I know it's on, Sheldon! 那准备好缅怀往事咯:佩妮，你的发动机故障灯...谢尔顿，我知道灯亮了!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now. 别啊，现在我可修不起车啊

Maybe it's just something minor. 或者只是小问题呢

Ooh, good news, the light just went out. 好消息，故障灯不亮了