英语PK台 第1008期:世界科幻最高双奖《手中纸，心中爱》（在线收听）

1. One of my earliest memories starts with me sobbing. I refused to be soothed no matter what Mom and Dad tried. Eventually, Mom took me into the kitchen and sat me down at the breakfast table. "Kan, kan," she said. I stopped crying and watched her, curious. She turned a piece of old wrapping paper over and folded it again. She pleated, packed, tucked, rolled, and twisted until the paper disappeared between her cupped hands. Then she lifted the folded-up paper packet to her mouth and blew into it, like a balloon. "Kan," she said. "Laohu." Suddenly, a little paper tiger stood on the table, the size of two fists placed together. 

我最早的一段记忆片段开始于我的一次哭泣。无论爸爸妈妈尝试什么办法安慰我，我都拒绝接受。最后，妈妈带我进了厨房，让我坐在早餐桌旁。“看看这个，”她说。我停止了哭泣，好奇地看着她。她把一张旧包装纸翻过来再折叠起来，然后又是一阵打褶、压紧、折叠、卷起和扭转的操作，直到这张纸捧在她的双手间。然后，她将这个折叠起来的纸团放到嘴边，像吹气球一样向里面吹气。“看，”她说，“老虎”。突然，一只有两个拳头那么大的小纸老虎站在了桌子上。

2. I reached out to Mom's creation. Its tail twitched, and it pounced playfully at my finger. "Rawrr-sa," it growled, the sound somewhere between a cat and rustling newspapers. I laughed, startled, and stroked its back with an index finger. At my request, Mom also made a goat, a deer, and a water buffalo out of wrapping paper. I didn't know this at the time, but Mom's kind was special. This was her magic. 

我伸手去够妈妈创造出的这个小家伙。它的尾巴抽动了一下，然后顽皮地朝我手指的方向扑了过来。“嗷呜，”它咆哮道，这声音有点儿像猫叫，也有点儿像报纸的沙沙作响声。我笑了起来，也被吓了一跳，然后，我开始用食指轻抚它的背。在我的要求下，妈妈又用包装纸做了一只山羊、一只鹿和一只水牛。当时我还没理解到这一点，但妈妈是个很特别的人。这正是她的神奇所在。

3. Mark, one of the neighbourhood boys, came over years after mom gave me Laohu and the other animals. "Show me your toys." He said. I didn't have any toys except my paper menagerie. Laohu was now very worn, patched all over with tape and glue, evidence of the years of repairs Mom and I had done on him. "Xiao laohu," I said, and stopped. I switched to English. "This is Tiger." "That doesn't look like a tiger at all. Your Mom makes toys for you from trash?" I had never thought of Laohu as trash. Laohu was insulted too and growled and leapt at Mark's face. Mark screamed, more out of fear and surprise than pain. Laohu was only made of paper, after all. Mark grabbed Laohu and crumpled him in his hand and tore him in half. "Here's your stupid cheap Chinese garbage." 

马克是邻居家的一个男孩。他在妈妈送我那只老虎和其他那些动物几年后的一天来到了我家。“让我看看你的玩具吧。”他说。除了那个折纸动物园，我没有任何其他玩具。那只老虎现在已经非常破旧了，全身到处是妈妈和我多年来用胶带和胶水对它进行修补的痕迹。“小老虎，”我脱口而出，然后立即停了下来，切换到了英语：“这是只老虎。”“那根本不像老虎。你妈妈用垃圾给你做玩具？”我从未想过这只老虎是垃圾。老虎也感受到了侮辱，于是咆哮着跳到马克的脸上。马克尖叫起来，这反应更多的是出于恐惧和惊讶，而非被老虎扑到的疼痛。毕竟，老虎只是用纸做的。马克抓住老虎，用手把它揉成一团，然后将它撕成了两半。“这就是你那愚蠢而又廉价的中国垃圾。”

4. After Mark left, I spent a long time trying, without success, to tape together the pieces, smooth out the paper, and follow the creases to refold Laohu. Slowly, the other animals came into the living room and gathered around us, me and the torn wrapping paper that used to be Laohu, to comfort us. But I was left defeated and empty. 

马克离开后，我花了很长时间尝试着将这些碎片粘在一起，将纸展平，然后按照折痕重新将它折叠成老虎的形状，但没有成功。慢慢地，其他动物也来到了起居室，聚集在我们（我和那曾经是老虎现在已经被撕成碎片的包装纸）身边，安慰我们。但我内心中的挫败感和空虚仍挥之不去。

5. The following days, it turned out that my fight with Mark was not over yet. Mark was popular at school. I came home that Friday at the end of the first two weeks of the school year, depressed, silent, refusing to talk to anyone, especially my mother. Even though I had never told him what happened in school, my dad seemed to understand. "You knew this was going to happen someday. What did you expect?" My dad said to mom. Mom dropped her hands to her side. She sat, looking from Dad to me, and back to Dad again. She tried to speak, stopped, and tried again, and stopped again. "Jack needs to fit in, he can’t if you keep speaking Chinese to him." 

事实证明，接下来的几天我与马克间的战争并未就此结束。马克在学校很受欢迎。在新学年开学后第二周的周五，我放学回到家，沮丧、沉默，并且拒绝与任何人交谈，尤其是妈妈。尽管我从未告诉过爸爸最近在学校发生的事情，但他似乎明白了一切。“你知道，这样的事情迟早有一天会发生。你还想怎样？”爸爸对妈妈说。妈妈将双手垂在身边，坐在那里，看看爸爸又看看我，然后又看看爸爸。她试图说点什么，但停了下来，再次试图说话，但再次停了下来。”“杰克需要融入这里，但如果你一直跟他说中文，他就无法真正融入。”

6. Mom looked at him. "If I say 'love,' I feel here." She pointed to her lips. "If I say 'ai,' I feel here." She put her hand over her heart. Dad shook his head. "You are in America." "And I want some real toys." I said. Later that evening, I packed the paper menagerie in a large shoebox and put it under the bed. 

妈妈看着他，说：“如果我用英文说'爱'，我的感觉在这里。”她指着自己的嘴唇。“如果我用中文说'爱'，我的感觉在这里，”她继续说，同时一只手放在了自己心脏的位置。爸爸摇了摇头，说：“你在美国。” “我想要一些真正的玩具，”我紧跟着说。那天晚上晚些时候，我把折纸动物园装进一个大鞋盒里，然后把鞋盒放在了床底下。

7. If Mom spoke to me in Chinese, I refused to answer her. After a while, she tried to use more English. But her accent and broken sentences embarrassed me. I tried to correct her. Eventually, she stopped speaking altogether if I were around. She saw that I was annoyed, and stopped. 

如果妈妈用中文跟我说话，我就拒绝回答她。过了一段时间，她开始尝试着更多地用英语讲话。但她的口音和不完整的表达使我感到非常尴尬。我试图纠正她。最后，如果我在附近，她就停止讲话，一声不吭。而且，她看到我恼火的样子，也会停止说话。

8. Then the day came that Dad and I stood by the side of Mom, lying on the hospital bed. For years she had refused to go to the doctor for the pain inside her that she said was no big deal. It was Cancer, no cure could help. "Jack, if — " she was caught up in a fit of coughing, and could not speak for some time. "If I don't make it, don't be too sad and hurt your health. Focus on your life. Just keep that box you have in the attic with you, and every year, at Qingming, just take it out and think about me. I'll be with you always." She died soon after. The paper animals did not move since. Perhaps whatever magic had animated them stopped when Mom died. Or perhaps I had only imagined that these paper constructions were once alive. 

那天到了，爸爸和我站在医院的病床旁，守在躺在病床上的妈妈身边。多年来，她一直忍受着身体内的疼痛，却始终拒绝去看医生，还说这不是什么大不了的事。但这是癌症，不治之症。“杰克，如果……”她的话被一阵咳嗽打断了，然后缓了好长时间才继续说道，“如果我没挺过去，不要太伤心，这样会有损你的健康。专注于你的生活。一定要把你放在阁楼上的那个盒子保存好，让它永远跟在你身边。每年清明时，只要把它拿出来，想想我就好。我永远都在你身边。”说完，她很快便离开了人世。从那以后，那些折纸动物就再也没有动过。也许，当妈妈去世时，是什么魔法让它们不再动了；或者，它们曾经在我面前的活灵活现，只存在于我的想象之中。

9. It was the first weekend in April, two years after Mom's death. I was home, lazily flipping through the TV channels. Then…a rustle. I looked up and saw that a ball of wrapping paper and torn tape was on the floor next to the bookshelf. I walked over to pick it up for the trash. The ball of paper shifted, unfurled itself, and I saw that it was Laohu, who I hadn't thought about in a very long time. "Rawrr-sa." Mom must have put him back together after I had given up. He was smaller than I remembered. Or maybe it was just that back then my fists were smaller. I sat down on the floor, and reached out a finger. Laohu's tail twitched, and he pounced playfully. I laughed, stroking his back. Laohu purred under my hand. “How've you been, old buddy? “Laohu stopped playing, and proceeded to unfold himself.

这是妈妈去世两年后四月里的第一个周末。我在家里懒洋洋地切换着电视频道。然后......一阵沙沙作响声进入了我的耳朵。我抬起头，看到书架旁边的地板上有一团包装纸和一些撕下来的胶带。我走了过去，把它们捡了起来，准备丢进垃圾桶。纸团移动一下，然后展开了。我看到它就是那只老虎，我已经好久没想起过它了。“嗷呜”。妈妈一定是在我放弃它后，又把它恢复了原状。它比我记忆中的要小。或者，也许只是那时我的拳头比现在小。我坐在地板上，伸出一根手指。老虎的尾巴抽动了一下，然后调皮地扑了过来。我笑了，轻抚着他的背。老虎在我手下发出咕噜咕噜的叫声。“你过得怎么样，老朋友？“老虎停下了咕噜声，然后继续把自己展开了。

10. I had never learned to read Chinese, but I knew the characters for son, and they were at the top corner of the piece of paper Laohu was made of. I went to the computer to check the Internet. Today was Qingming. I rushed outside and asked a Chinese tourist on the street to help me read the rest. 

我从来没有学过中文，但我认识“儿子”的汉字，这两个字就在折成老虎的那张纸的上角。我用电脑在互联网上查了一下。今天是清明。我冲到外面，在街上请一位中国游客帮我读完了这张纸上剩余的汉字。

11. It was a letter, written by my mother. “Son, we haven't talked in a long time. So I decided to write to you. I'm going to write in one of the paper animals I made for you that you used to like so much. I was so happy when you were born and I looked into your face and saw shades of my mother, my father, and myself. I had lost my entire family, everything I ever knew and loved. But there you were, and your face was proof that they were real. I hadn't made them up. Son, I know that you do not like your Chinese eyes, which are my eyes. I know that you do not like your Chinese hair, which is my hair. But can you understand how much joy your very existence brought to me? And can you understand how it felt when you stopped talking to me and won't let me talk to you in Chinese? I felt I was losing everything all over again. Why won't you talk to me, son? The pain makes it hard to write.” 

这是妈妈写的一封信：“儿子，我们很久没有谈过了。于是，我决定写信给你。我要把这封信写在你曾经非常喜爱的我为你做的一个折纸动物上。你出生时我很开心。当时我看着你的脸，我看到了我的母亲、父亲和我自己的影子。我失去了我的整个家庭，以及我所知道和喜爱的一切。但是你来了，你的脸就是那些我曾经拥有但现在已经失去的一切真实存在过的证据——这一切并不是我编造的。儿子，我知道你不喜欢你的中国眼睛，可那是我的眼睛；我知道你不喜欢你的中国头发，可那是我的头发。但是，你能理解你的存在给我带来了多少快乐吗？你能理解当你不再跟我说话，并且不让我用中文跟你说话时我的感受吗？我觉得我又一次失去了一切。儿子，你为什么不想跟我说话？这种痛苦甚至无法用文字表达。”

12. Following the creases, I refolded the paper back into Laohu. I cradled him in the crook of my arm, and as he purred, we began the walk home. 

我沿着折痕将这张纸重新折回了老虎的形状，将它抱在臂弯里。然后，当他再次发出咕噜声时，我们开始朝家的方向走去。