时代周刊治安队长父亲的自白（打印版）

I am a father

我是一名父亲

BY BILLY MERRIFIELD

文/比利·梅里菲尔德

(The caption for the page and half photograph accompanying this items says)

（本文附一张一页半的插图，说明文字如下）

MERRIFIELD, 43, a captain with the Rio Arriba County sheriff's office in New Mexico, visiting the grave of his daughter Brandi on Feb.4.

2月4日，43岁的梅里·菲尔德，新墨西哥州里奥阿里巴县治安官办公室的队长，去了他女儿布兰迪的坟前祭奠她。

She died from a heroin overdose at age 22.

她22岁时过量摄入毒品去世。

(BILLY MERRIFIELD WRITES)AS MY DAUGHTER STARTED GETTING older, in high school, the boyfriend thing came around.

（正文如下）我女儿逐渐长大成人，高中时，谈恋爱的问题出现了。

She ended up meeting one of these guys who was a user.

最后，她和一个吸毒的在一起了。

And of course, once she hit 18, it was kind of difficult to give her direction.

当然了，成年之后，你要再想让她听话就难了。

Anytime I confronted her, she would deny it.

每次我问起她，她都会否认。

I mean, she was always telling me, "Dad, I made a mistake. I don't need help. I tried it a few times. I'm going to stay away from it."

她总跟我说，“爸爸，我是犯了一个错误。但我不需要帮助。我只试了几次。我戒了就是了。”

That was her constant: "Trust me, Dad, I can fight this. I can beat it."

她总说：“相信我，爸爸，我能扛过去的。我能戒掉。”

I remember telling her one day, "I'm to the point that I'm preparing myself for getting a bad phone call about you."

记得，有一次，我对她说，“我已经到了要做好哪天接到电话被告知你遭遇不测的准备的地步了。”

So I kind of prepared myself for it.

所以我也算是做了一些心理准备。

You can be as mentally and physically tough as you want to be.

无论你想把自己的身心变得多强大，你都能做到。

I think I've seen a lot.

我以为我见过的世面已经够多了。

I've probably seen a lot more than a lot of people.

我见过的世面可能比很多人都要大得多。

And I've experienced a ton.

我也经历了很多。

You can't prepare for it, though.

但你还是做不好准备。

When it comes to your own child, I cannot express the feeling and the loss.

这件事发生在自己孩子身上时，那种感受，那种失落是无以言表的。

It never gets easier.

你永远都无法走出伤痛。

Because that void will always be there.

因为那个缺失永远都抹不去。

Our children are supposed to bury us—we're not supposed to bury them.

本应该是黑发人送白发人，而不应该是白发人送黑发人。