西部落：女人为什么会撒谎 I（在线收听）

Why women lie

Author Susan Shapiro Barash and relationship expert Argie Allen discuss the reasons females are carrying around deep, dark secrets.

Advice columnist Ann Landers once said that the naked truth is always better than the best-addressed lie. But some new information on women and lying could leave you wondering was anyone listening.

I'm sleeping with a 25-year-old.

what did you just say?

I'm sleeping with a 25-year-old.

On NBC's Lipstick Jungle, one woman lies on the job when accused of sexual harassment.

Is there any truth? Jay's claim?

No, absolutely not.

And in the classic film, Belle de Jour, this woman is both chaste wife and unknown to her husband, a prostitute.

Sure, these are the stories of the big and small screen, but might they reflect real-life drama more than you'd initially think?

A new book "Little white lies, deep dark screts" suggested that the answer to that question is yes. Its author found women use lies in a broad range of areas as a means to an end. 75% of women say have to lie in the workplace to sustain their positions. 60% admit to an addiction secret. 50% have mixed emotions about mothering.

I think that women, you know, keep secrets in order to protect themselves. uh, nobody likes to be judged, you know, I do have a very open relationship with my children, but when they ask me direct questions, I don't feel it's always beneficial to, you know, to answer them.

I think everyone, you know, conceal the truth, all throughout their day at different times, in different ways, in different situations, and because of that, you know, all different types of things can be considered lying, yeah.

Sometimes, you're left better unsaid, if that, if that telling a lie by not telling how you really feel, then I do, I'm guilty of it.

Lying is a survival mechanism, so we yes, we definitely all do it.

And Susan Shapiro Barash, she is the author of "Little white lies, deep dark secrets". Argie Allen is a relationship therapist. Good morning to both of you.

I want to point out that those two women, you just saw, they are not serial liars by any means, they are just speaking in general terms about women and lying. And Susan, you found out through your research that most women live by this code of lying, secrets and deception. Is it something that's hardwired in us, or is it nurtured?

I think it's both, Merida, it's partly the culture, really almost encouraging women to make a secret of anything that isn't what they're supposed to do, perhaps, an addiction, women lie about money, and then nurturing while our mothers have often taught us how to lie compassionately, you don't tell your friend she doesn't look good in a dress, you don't tell your husband you don't like the necklace he brought home.

But those are innocent lies, aren't they?

Innocent lies, but they can take you to the lie that you really need and sometimes it's just expedient to lie. So women have to decide.

We have some of our viewers email us things that they lie about, and one woman wrote my biggest lie would be my happiness in my marriage. I'm actually miserable but put on the facade that all is ok. Another said that I don't tell my husband exactly how much money we have and what we owe. I also don't tell him how much of a tax refund we received.

Now those, those are going towards the bad, aren't they?

Well, these are betterment lies, thy lie improves the situation, and you know if you reveal your secret, you feel that it is not really going to help you.

作家Susan Shapiro Barash和恋爱专家Argie Allen一起探讨了女人喜欢说谎的原因。

专栏作家Ann Landers曾经说过，赤裸裸的事实总比精心编造的谎言要好。但是一些关于女人和撒谎的最新信息却会让你不得不好好考虑你听到的话。

我跟一个25岁的人睡觉。

你刚才说什么？

我跟一个25岁的人睡觉。

在NBC的Lipstick Jungle节目中，在被指控有性困扰时，一名女子说了谎。

她说的是实话吗？Jay所说的话？

不，绝对不是。

在Belle de Jour这部经典电影中，这名女子在她丈夫心目中是贞洁的，但是他丈夫不知道，她是一名妓女。

当然，在电影中有很多这样的故事，但是他们能比你最初认为的更能反映现实生活吗？

一本新书“善意小谎言背后的大秘密”说明这个问题的答案是“是”。这本书的作者发现，女人在很多场合使用谎言来作为结束的方式。75%的女人说，为了保住工作，她们必须在工作场合说谎。60%的人承认她们对说谎上瘾。50%的人对说谎感到情绪复杂。

我认为，你知道，女人持有小秘密是为了保护自己。没人喜欢被别人评论，你知道，我跟孩子们之间的关系非常公开，但是当他们直接问我某些问题的时候，我觉得做出回答并不一定有好处。

我认为，每个人每时每刻都在不同的环境下以不同的方式撒谎，因此，你知道，任何种类的事情都可以被认为是在说谎。

有时，你根本就没有说出口，如果这样的话，如果不想说出自己的真实感受而说谎，我会感觉到很愧疚。

Susan Shapiro Barash是“善意小谎言背后的大秘密”的作者。Argie Allen是恋爱关系临床医学家。早上好。

我需要指出的是，你见到的这两名女子，她们从任何意义上讲都并不是谎言家，她们只是从通常意义上来讨论女人和说谎的问题。Susan，你在研究中发现，大部分女人依靠谎言，秘密和诡计来生存。这是我们的本性，还是后天培养的呢？

我认为双方面都有，Merida。而环境的影响会鼓励女人保守任何他们不打算保守的秘密。可能是上瘾，女人在金钱方面撒谎，之后我们的母亲经常教给我们怎样装的楚楚可怜。如果你的朋友穿的裙子并不好看，你不会告诉她，你也不会告诉你丈夫，你不喜欢他带回来的项链。

但是这些都是无罪的谎言，不是吗？

是的，但是这会导致你在必要的时候真的撒谎，有时撒谎只是权宜之计。所以女人们必须做好决定。

有些读者来信告诉我们他们说过的谎话，有一名女子说，我最大的谎言就是我的婚姻是快乐的，我非常痛苦，但是表面上却装的若无其事。另外一个说，我没有告诉我丈夫我们到底有多少钱，我们欠多少债。我也没告诉他我们收到多少退税。

这些谎言就会越陷越深，不是吗？

这些都是善意的谎言，撒谎可以改善形势，你知道如果你说出你的秘密，情况会比较糟糕。