"A long, long time ago--September a place far, far away--Long Island three children faced the
challenge of their young lives--the first day of school."
Jason: One million students report back for first day of school. Two million parents giggle
hysterically with glee.
Maggie: I bet it's so quiet around here, you'll miss them by noon.
Jason: (hysterical laughter)hahaha
Jason: New pants?
Ben: I'm sick.
Jason: Well, you didn't seen so sick when you ate those three waffles.
Ben: Maybe I got wholesome bad syrup.
Jason: You know what I think?
Ben: Yeah, I'm going to school.
Mike: Alright! This is going to be a great day or what?
Jason: You're excited about the first day of school?
Mike: Yes
Maggie: Ben! Look at Mike. Even he's anxious to get to school.
Mike: Yeah, it's the beginning of my junior year. Don't you know what that means? It means
I am more mature now, means I am more responsible, means that in less than two years I’m
going to be getting out of that dump!
Ben: Only a yo yo would be excited about the first day of school.
Carol: Good morning all!
Maggie: Carol, your new outfit looks great.
Carol: It's not too...sexy?
Mike: Ah, maybe for Bulgaria.
Jason: I think you look terrific.
Carol: Yeah, well, I just want to get on the right foot. I mean, a new year, new challenges,
new clothes, new friends..
Mike: New zits.
Maggie: Mike! Carol! The bus. Bye sweetie, bye.
Mike: See you late mum.
Maggie: Hold it Mike.
Mike: What?
Maggie: You're all ready for school?
Mike: Yes.
Maggie: Well your sister has her books, notebooks, paper, pencils, binders, course dividers,
Mike: Mum, mum, I know where you are going here. Now Carol's not the only one who's
prepared for school. I'm just not a fanatic.
Jason: Now what have you done to prepare for school?
Mike: Alright, alright! Tonight, there is a welcome back dance. I have already got myself a
date.
School master: Attention Dewey Highers. Hello, school is cancelled. Just kidding! But now I
have your attention, have all your forms filled out and signed. After you receive your schedule
go to...
Eddie: Mike? Mikey?
Mike: Eddie, my man. How you doing? Long time no see.
Eddie: You're looking good.
Boner: Hu hmmmm! Gentleman.
Mike: Boner! Good to see you man. Hey hey. What's that on your face?
Boner: This? A moustache.
Mike: A moustache! It wasn't there last week.
Boner: I'm Italian.
Mike: No, no, it's drawn on!
Boner: It's not drawn on. It’s Axel. It's a jungle of hair.
Eddie: What do your parents think about this
Boner: They haven't noticed yet.
Elaine: Hi Mike.
Mike: Oh, hi Elaine.
Elaine: Are we meeting at the dance or are you picking me up?
Mike: Come on Elaine! I'm a class dude. Of course I'm going to pick you up.
Elaine: See you!
Mike: Bye bye.
Eddie: Mikey, Michael. You are taking Elaine Dooley to the dance?
Mike: Oh didn't I mention that to you guys?
Boner: What, did she like lose a bet or something?
Mike: No. You know I have been working on that girl all summer long. Laying down the basis
for a deep and meaningful relationship, that's based on trust, understanding, and mutual..wow!
Who's that fox over there?
Mike: I've got her
Eddie: I've got dibs on her.
Mike: I said it first.
Boner: You got Elaine.
Mike: If you'll excuse me boys, I have to meet this creature.
Eddie: Hey Mike, I thought you had some deep, personal relationship going here.
Mike: That's something else you learn as you grow older Eddie. Relationships don't always
turn out as you planned.
Teacher: Tough schedule kid.
Carol: Well yeah, it's a brand new year, and it wanted it to be a challenge.
Teacher: Get out of here.
Girl 1: What did you ..
Girl 2: Get?
Girl 1: Right!
Girl 2: Uh hu!
Carol: Algebra two, physics, conversational Latin..
Girl 1: Wow! We got the same...
Girl 2: Schedule. Uh hu!
Girl 1: Right! Fifth year!
Girl 2: Right!
Girl 1: Uh hu!
Girl 2: Great!
Girl 1: Uh hu!
Carol: Good! Well, it's only nine thirty. Things could still happen.
Maggie: This is it. Room two sixteen. This is a nicer classroom than you had last year. Isn't it
Ben? Ben? Honey is something wrong?
Ben: No. No!
Maggie: Well don't play around. I want to meet your teacher and I’m already late for work.
Ben: Mark!
Mark: Ben! You actually showed up.
Ben: Is he here?
Mark: I haven't seen him.
Maggie: Hello, I'm Maggie Seaver. Ben’s mother.
Teacher: Maggie Seaver! You're Mike's mother!
Maggie: Yes! Oh, Mrs Conner, I didn't recognize you. But you remembered me.
Teacher: I remembered Mike!
Ben: Is Louis Vasco in this class?
Teacher: Louis Vasco?
Ben: Big kid.
Teacher: No.
Ben: Alright!
Maggie: Excuse me Mrs Conner. I don't know what's going on, but Ben has been a little
hesitant about coming back to school, and he..
Teacher: He is a lot like Mike.
Mark: Boy, are you lucky!
Ben: Are you kidding? I'm sorry he's not at this school. This kid was ready.
Maggie: Honey, how are you feeling?
Ben: Fine!
Maggie: Are you alright?
Ben: Great!
Maggie: Well good! Bye honey, have a good day.
Mark: Ben! I just found out. Louis Vasco is at this school.
Ben: What?
Mark: Yeah, he flunked.
Ben: And he's still mean.
Mark: He's going to kill you, Ben.
Louis: Enjoy your summer, Seaver face. It's going to be your last one. When we get back to
school, you're dead meat. Hear me? Dead meat.
Ben: Dead meat. Dead meat.
Eddie: Hey, what's the rush cowboy?
Mike: Hey, look Eddie, I have no time. Alright?
Eddie: Oh, of course. You don't want to be late for Biology on frog day.
Mike: Eddie, the blonde.
Eddie: Again?
Mike: Eye contact.
Eddie: Go!
Mike: Yes!
Carol: Well it's still eleven am. There's still a chance for thing to get better.
Mike: She's gone. Oh Carol, did you drop your books? Hey, I'm sorry. Here let me help, Carol.
Oh, speaking of help. I need to know the name of the blonde in your history class.
Carol: Well, there's Roger Frommin.
Mike: No, Carol, I mean the girls.
Carol: Oh, Becky Swarking.
Mike: Buck tooth Becky? The one who could eat corn on the cob through a knot hole? No
Carol, this girl was a living dream. She's new.
Carol: Well, I didn't see any new girl. Just the same kids, face after face. After face, after
face, after face...
Boner: Ok, jokes over! Very funny, ha ha.
Mike: Boner?
Boner: Hello Mike.
Mike: Hey, come on. What are you doing in there?
Boner: Cheech locked me in. I think he was jealous of my moustache.
Mike: What a jerk!
Boner: Got me out of history. Oh, come on Mike. We got Biology. Can't miss two in a row.
Mike: There she is.
Boner: Who?
Mike: I'll see you later Bone.
Boner: Mike! I don’t want to go to Biology alone. Cheech is there! Oh!
Mike: Hi!
Blonde: Hi!
Lovick: Bonjour people. I'm coach Lovick; I’ll be covering French three while Mademoiselle
Goldstein is a little bit under the weather. Grab a desk mone sure. Tres bon sport. Ok I believe
today is a little review of French two, so what I’m going to do...Speak!
Student: Mademoiselle Goldstein fait toujours son cours toute on francais.
Lovick: Ah ha! Uhhh, can anybody here translate that for us? You.
Student: She said Mrs Goldstein always conducts our class in French.
Lovick: Ah bon, very tres bon. Um, say what we'll do is we'll have this young lady stand up
here and tell us what she did for her summer vacationay. Come and tely vous them.
Student: Ok, Eh bien, for mes vacances d'ete, je suis aller a Disney Land, ce qui m'a
beaucoup c'amuse. Jason: 'ai voulons selon Mickie et aussi Goofie. Apres, je suis aller au
chaud de Jonney Carson . Journee etait tres amusant.oh, j'ai rencontrait un garcon qui
s'appelle...
Mike: I'm sorry, but I just had to meet you.
Blonde: Shhhhh! Not now Mike.
Mike: You’ve heard of me?
Blonde: Shhh! Later.
Mike: When?
Blonde: Meet me at the dance tonight at eight.
Mike: Ah Ok. It's a date. It's a date. Wait a minute. I don't even know your name.
Lovick: Hey buddy! You talk French so good you don't need this?
Mike: French! You mean this isn't biology?
Lovick: Out! Out! Bonjour monsieur. Adios! Are you done?
Student: Oui.
Lovick: Are you done?
Student: Oui Oui.
Lovick: No you should have thought about that before class.
Mike: Alright Seaver. You have got yourself one hot date for the dance.
Elaine: Hi Mike. See you tonight.
Mike: You bet. I got a problem.
Boner: What kind of problem?
TV: Lift those legs, girls.
Jason: I'm lifting.
TV: Tighten those thighs
Jason: I'm tightening.
TV: Firm that bottom.
Jason: I'm still tightening.
TV: Very good. Now the chest. Let's make up for all those years of going braless shall we? And
one and two and one and two and one..
(phone rings)
Jason: Hold that thought. Hello. Yeah this is Ben's father. Well that doesn't sound like Ben.
Alright, I'll be right over. Where did I leave my bra?
Girl 1: Carol, we saved your old seat.
Girl 2: Uh hu.
Carol: Well, see, this is a new year and I thought that we'd been at lunch together for so
long that new people would be good for us.
Girl 1: Wow, you're like
Girl 2: Dumping us?
Girl 1: Right.
Girl 2: Uh hu.
Girl 1: ‘Cause, I mean it wouldn't be the same. We've eaten lunch together since the fifth
grade.
Girl 2: Forth.
Girl 1: Right.
Girl 2: Uh hu. And I don't deal well with major change.
Carol: I'll sit, I’ll sit.
Girl 1: Alright.
Girl 2: Uh hu.
Boner: Wow, that must be great to find two women who'll share you like that.
Mike: Boner they don't know. Don't be so stupid.
Boner: I'm stupid! You've got a date with two girls, and I'm stupid? I am stupid.
Eddie: So who are you going to cut loose Mikey?
Mike: Eddie, I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to Elaine and I’m going to let
her down very gently and very easily.
Eddie: End of the dumperoo, right?
Mike: Watch me?
Elaine's Friend: Ah, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh Mike, hi!
Mike: Could we talk for a minute?
Elaine: Did you want to sit?
Mike: No, no, I can't stay. So.
Elaine: What?
Mike: You know I should just tell you.
Elaine: Is it about the dance?
Mike: Yeah.
Elaine: I am so excited. Wait until you see the new outfit I got.
Mike: You got a new outfit?
Elaine: Yeah, and it's really hot. I got it at Chadwick’s department store.
Mike: Great store. You know very liberal return policy. Elaine.
Elaine: All I've been able to think about all day is the dance.
Mike: What a coincidence.
Eddie: Mike, I found her, the dream girl. Room two o four.
Mike: Two o four. Great. Thanks Eddie.
Eddie: Now, if I were you, I wouldn't dust the blonde. I'd dump Elaine.
Mike: No, no no. I’m not dusting the blonde. I'm just putting her on hold till next week.
Alright. Hey Eddie, tell me how does it sound like?
"Hi. Call me crazy but this just can't wait. I think we've got something really special here
between us, and I don't want to share it with a bunch of high school kids at a dance. So what
do you say that you and me go out instead next week, just the two of us.
Mike: Hi!
Blonde: Hi.
Mike: Look, call me crazy, nut this just couldn't wait. You know I think we've got something .
Elaine: Hi Mike.
Mike: Hi Elaine. Something really special...It could wait, after all.
Teacher: You can talk to him in here till recess ends.
Jason: Thanks.
Ben: Boy, when you're small, people don't even ask you if you want your parents called.
Jason: So I understand you want to be transferred to another school.
Ben: Yeah, well this place is getting kind a old.
Jason: Well that would be difficult. You see for you to go to another school, we've got to
move to another district.
Ben: Is that a problem?
Jason: Yes.
Ben: I got it! How about Hebrew school?
Jason: How about you telling me why some kid wants to fight with you?
Ben: You heard?
Jason: Uh hu.
Ben: See, there is this big mean kid, Louis Vasco. And last year I wouldn't let him cheat off
me.
Jason: Well good for you.
Ben: He sent a message. "Three o clock. Boys bathroom".
Jason: Ben this is so strange.
Ben: Well he wouldn't meet me in the girl’s bathroom.
Jason: No I mean this whole situation. Would you believe the same thing happened to me?
Ben: Come on dad.
Jason: You don't believe me?
Ben: You are going to do like you always do and tell me some story about how you didn't run
and you ended up being friends.
Jason: No, I ran.
Ben: What?
Jason: I was eleven years old and I was trying out for this baseball team-The Oilers. Well it
came right down to me or this other boy for the third base position. Well boy wasn't really
right. This boy was a gorilla. They called him Killer.
Ben: What did you do?
Jason: I quit. I didn't play baseball that whole year. Anyway I didn’t see killer again for
fifteen years. And I saw him at a reunion. He had a big beer belly. All athletes end up with
beer bellies. I was there with you mum, and killer, whose real name was Ralph.
Ben: Dad, what's your point?
Jason: Well the point is he told me he was glad I didn't fight him that day.
Ben: Why?
Jason: Well because he was just as afraid of me as I was of him.
Ben: Big guys are afraid too?
Jason: Yes.
Ben: So you are saying that I should face this guy like a man?
Jason: That's right. And if that doesn't work and he starts to hit you, then you run like the
wind.
Boner: Oh excuse me! Do you by any chance have a date for tonight’s dance?
Pardon me, but I uh.. Hi. Why won’t anyone go to the dance with me? Sorry Carol. I thought
you was just a regular girl.
Carol: Two pm and things are not getting better.
Boner: I give up. I'm sorry, I thought I'd try something new but it didn't work.
Carol: Tell me about it.
Boner: Nothing ever changes for me.
Carol: Boner. I know exactly how you feel.
Boner: Like dog drool.
Carol: I was expecting today to be different too.
Boner: I was stupid enough to think that I could get a date.
Carol: All I wanted was something new. Something different, something unusual. If I um,
did agree to go to this dance with you, which I haven't, you'd have to agree to certain
conditions.
Boner: Anything.
Carol: No hand holding. No slow dancing, no fast dancing..
Boner: And if you agree to go with me, I don't even have to show up.
Carol: Do I ?
Boner: No
Carol: Well Ok, you've got your date.
Boner: And you've got something uh unusual.
Ben: Louis?
Louis: Seaver Face.
Ben: I hear you've been looking for me.
Louis: Yeah?
Ben: So I'm here.
Louis: What’s the matter? Afraid to come in?
Ben: You're afraid to come out. Woos. Dad was right.
Louis: Alright you little....you grew.
Ben: You didn't.
Louis: I think that's my bus.
Mark: Wow Ben. He was actually afraid of you.
Ben: Yeah well Mark. Everybody's a little bit frightened. Even big guys like me.
Mike: Now I don't want to break Elaine's heart. And I sure don't want to upset the blonde.
So uh, it's out of my hands and the next girl who walks round the corner, is history.
Ah Boner, boner..
Boner: I know. Get lost.
Elaine: Mike. What happened?
Mike: Ah, gym class. I misfired on a power squat.
Elaine: No!
Mike: Yeah! Look, I have to see a doctor, tonight.
Elaine: So the dance is out?
Mike: Yeah, I am really sorry Elaine, but I promise we will go out just as soon as I’m home. I
hope you understand?
Elaine: Of Course I do. Is there anything I can do to help?
Mike: No, I'd rather you not see me like this, ok.
Elaine: Ok, take care!
Mike: You too. Bye bye.
Blonde: Hi.
Mike: You!
Blonde: Me.
Mike: Look, I'm a class dude, and I don't want to meet my date at the dance, so what do
you say I pick you up?
Blonde: Date? We don't have a date.
Mike: Yes we do, for the dance tonight.
Blonde: No, I just said I’d see you there.
Mike: Ah wait a minute. I get it! You've found someone you like better and you're dumping
me.
Blonde: Oh no! I could never do something like that. Could you?
Mike: Ah, don't you change the subject here.
Blonde: Mike, you misunderstood.
Mike: Misunderstood! Are you...do you have any idea what I gave up for you?
Blonde: I didn't ask you to give anything up.
Mike: I'll tell you what, I gave up Elaine Dooley, for a date with you.
Blonde: Mike. I couldn't date you. I don't even trust you.
Mike: Look! Before you mistrust me, I suggest you get to know me.
Blonde: I do know you Mike.
Mike: From where?
Blonde: Do you remember the class picnic last year?
Mike: No, no. You weren't there. I would have remembered you.
Blonde: I can prove I was there. You did that really funny impression of buck tooth Becky
Swarking. Remember?
Mike: Pass the corn please.
Blonde: Very funny!
Mike: Becky? Boy you have had quite a summer.
Blonde: And you have had quite a fall.
Maggie: Hi guys.
Ben: Hi.
Maggie: So Jason, were you lonely today? And Ben. What did you learn your first day back?
Ben: I learned that Hebrew school is not the answer.
Jason: I'll explain later.
Maggie: So Carol. Was today everything you hoped it would be?
Carol: Well it started out a little shaky, but it ended up ok.
Maggie: Good.
Carol: I even have a date for the dance.
Maggie: Great!
Carol: And the best part is, I don't even have to go.
Maggie: Mike, you're late. Where have you been?
Mike: Mum. I have been doing some thinking. Girls have feelings just like regular people.
Maggie: Uh hu.
Mike: You know mum, I think I have learned more today than I have in my entire
educational career.
Maggie: Well that's great Mike. So do you have good teachers?
Mike: Ah, maybe. I'll find out tomorrow when I go to class.
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Mike. Seven o’clock comes early. Let's go pal.
Mike: Alright.
Maggie: Carol honey. School in the morning.
Carol: Alright!
Maggie: Ben. Your long over due lights out now!
Ben: No way! I'm afraid of the dark.
Jason: You know Ben. This is interesting. When I was your age, I too was...Ben.
Ben: Forget it dad. I love the dark.