TV: She was a cop looking for corruption, in all the wrong places. And she' a mother, raising a
boy who's begun to ask why his mum packs a thirty eight. Its Undercover Mother.
Maggie: Hey guys. Ben you know your bedtime, right?
Ben: One am
Maggie: Ben!
Ben: Ok, nine. It was worth a shot.
Jason: Honey terrible news. We’re going to have to miss the parents meeting. Gosh, darn it!
My car won't start.
Maggie: What did you do to it?
Jason: Nothing.
Maggie: Jason Seaver. You are just trying to get out of this parents meeting because it's
boring.
Jason: You think you know me so well.
Maggie: No,no. I know I know you so well.
Jason: I know I know you. I know you think you know me.
Maggie: Well I know you well enough to know you think I only think I know..
Jason: You say that but..
Maggie: I know you..
Kids: Stop!
Mike: yeah, look. Just take my car.
Maggie: Thanks Mike. You're a Prince.
Mike: Yeah, and now I want you to remember that this is a car and not a toy. Treat it that
way.
Jason: Yes Sir.
Carol: So why would you lend them your car?
Mike: Well either they've got to fill up the gas tank, or they're not coming back. Either way I
win.
Carol: I want to watch something good.
Maggie: Ok look, I'm not crazy about spending an evening debating whether or not the
school cafeteria should serve beans and weenies, which by the way I'm dead against. But we
do have a responsibility as parents.
Jason: Maggie I'm crushed. I'm every bit as responsible and adult as you are....
Hey chuckle head, blow it out your tail pipe!
Maggie: Are you quite finished?
Jason: Yes.
Maggie: Sure you don't want to pull up beside him and moon him?
Jason: Come on Maggie. It's the middle of winter.
Maggie: I know that hidden somewhere below that juvenile exterior, is a responsible person.
Jason: Thank you. Want to steer?
Maggie: Ah! Jason!
Jason: Come on relax. We're going to make it to the meeting and then..Oh wow!
Maggie: What?
Jason: That movie theatre back there. They were playing "A Man and a Woman".
Maggie: Oh, what a wonderful movie.
Jason: Do you remember when we saw it for the first time?
Maggie: Course I do. It was our first date.
Jason: No. It was our second date. On the first date I picked you up at the Women’s Lib
Rally.
Maggie: No, no, no. You didn't pick me up. I picked you up.
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: Oh Jason. Let's go see it.
Jason: What about the meeting?
Maggie: Well we could put in a token appearance and then duck out.
Jason: Oh I don't know.
Maggie: (Singing the music to the film)
Jason: We have our responsibilities. You were just convincing me a minute ago that we
should...
Maggie: (singing)
Maggie and Jason: (Singing)
People at meeting: We got to vote him out. Vote him out.
Speaker: Alright. Alright already. Enough of the freaking talk! Let’s call for a vote. All those in
favor, signify by saying "I".
People: I
Speaker: Anybody oppose?
People: No!
Speaker: It’s have it. Motion is carried. Beans and weenies it is.
Old Lady: Salvador Babart. You're trying to rail road this through because you've got the
school weenie contract.
Speaker: Put a cork in it Yvonne. Ah?
People: (shouting against the speaker)
Maggie: Jason, the movie starts in fifteen minutes
Jason: Wait wait now. Now don't attract attention. I'll sneak out and you can follow me in a
couple of minutes.
Maggie: Why do you get to leave first?
Jason: You want to put it to a vote?
Maggie: No.
Jason: You go, I'll be the adult. You sneak out.
Speaker: Yvonne. We've wasted enough time on this. Besides. You don't even have a kid in
the school.
Old Lady: Oh sure. Bring that up again.
Speaker: Alright. Next item on the agenda is whether we should establish a dress code for our
little ms here at Dewey High. Any body have anything to say? Anybody have anything
intelligent to say? Yo doc. Go ahead.
Jason: Pardon me?
Speaker: Say what you want to say about this dress code deal.
Jason: Ah, well actually I was just going to um, say that I don't think the dress code is the
schools business. I think the children and their parents together should decide what’s proper
and why do we want to stifle that communication?
Man: Wow! You mean you actually want your teenage kids to communicate with you?
Jason: Yes Mr. Craig’s. Yes. I want to know exactly what’s on their minds.
Man: I couldn't live like that.
Jason: Wait a minute. Are we saying that we as parents, we don't want to be involved in the
shaping of our kids ideas and their goals, their ambitions?
Man: You haven't met my little Newton.
Jason: Well, if that’s how you feel Braxton, why stop at a dress code. Why not have full
military uniforms. Give them all little burr haircuts.
Speaker: Is that a motion doc?
Jason: No. no. Who here understands what I'm trying to say?
Old Lady: Oh I do. I do. You're saying that we should let the kids discover who they are going
to be.
Jason: Yeah!
Old Lady: And if that means t hey are going to rebel a little bit, so what.
Jason: Exactly.
Old Lady: And that means they are going to be putting safety pins in their ears...fine!
Jason: No I wasn't going to go that far.
Old Lady: bringing small caliber pistols to school. No problem. Because that's what they are
going to be doing if we keep on serving them beans and weenies.
Jason: Thanks Yvonne.
Maggie: Pssst!
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: What's going on?
Jason: Ah, excuse me. I'm just trying to make a point here.
Maggie: Well I thought we were trying to make a move.
Jason: Oh we will. Just ah...You know my wife, lovely respected journalist Maggie. And
Maggie, why don't you tell these people how you would feel if they imposed a dress code at
Dewey High?
Maggie: Oh, I'd love it.
Jason: You would hate a dress code.
Maggie: Jason, I don't want to argue about this.
Jason: No neither do I. Just help me out here. Tell these people that a dress code is wrong.
It's wrong.
Maggie: I don't think it is.
Jason: Wait wait wait. Maggie didn't have the benefit of my opening remarks here. Cos I
know you and I know you'd agree.
Maggie: Well Jason, I know myself and I don't agree.
Jason: You can't side with these people when they're on a ....because, it's a ridiculous thing.
It’s ridiculous.
Maggie: But it makes sense.
Jason: Not to any thinking person.
People: Ohhhhhhh!
Jason: Wait wait wait.
Maggie: Ok, ok, ok Jason. Ok, so how does a thinking person suggest that we teach our kids
respect for the learning process and help them build character?
People: (cheering)
Jason: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Clothes do not build character.
Maggie: Ha! Talk to Don Johnson.
Jason: I don't want to talk to Don Johnson.
Maggie: Well maybe I do.
Man: So would I.
Jason: Ok. Maggie. Think please. Think. You are a liberal humanist.
Maggie: No Jason, you are .And you are always getting us confused.
Jason: Uh, I know that Maggie, once she's had a chance to think about this, you will realize..
Maggie: Wo wo wo wo . Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you implying that because I
disagree with you, I'm not thinking?
Jason: No, I'm just saying that you're a little distracted.
Maggie: Distracted?
Jason: Yes. You, she, came in here tonight with nothing on her mind other than sneaking out
to some stupid movie.
People: (Boo)
Maggie: Well whose idea was the stupid movie in the first place?
Jason: I just mentioned that it was playing.
Maggie: Oh sure, with that come hither look in your eyes.
Jason: Is this a come hither look?
Man: Not to me. And who was humming "ya da da ya da da da da, ya da"
Man: Excuse me, what's the name of that movie?
Jason: Oh forget the movie.
Man: Fine, fine. You brought it up.
Maggie: Exactly!
People: (cheering Maggie)
Jason: Listen. This is far too important an issue for us to decide about it without using reason
instead of ignorance.
People: Ignorance! What?
Jason: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Ignorance. Now there’s a very interesting word. If you know
the meaning...if you look it up in your dictionaries, you would see that ignorance doesn't mean
dumb. For instance, ignorance means uninformed. As, well here here, my wife Maggie who is
certainly not dumb. A very bright woman, but ignorant...
People: Boooo!
Jason: In this case. In one case, just this one isolated incident. Not always, not always.
Jason: Boy I am hun-gry, are you hungry? I am hungry! Shall we stop and eat? What do you
feel like?
Maggie: I feel like dirt.
Jason: Oh well lets go to the international house of dirt. Well, I have a better idea. Why don't
we just pull in here and see if they have a midnight showing of “A Man and a Woman".
I'll check with the cashier. You just keep smiling. La da da da da da da da (singing)
(Maggie drives off)
Jason: Maggie! Hey don't you think you're over reacting just a little bit?
Mike: It's a two strike count. Brawn on the ninth but the base is loaded. But marvelous Mike
the fiery right hander doesn't worry as he eyes the crowd. He checks his signals. Takes a deep
breath, reaches for the rars and bags, spits,
Ben: Will you just pitch the stupid ball?
Mike: I just did. Steamed right through you. Two outs.
Ben: Ahh!
Carol: Ben!
Ben: I'm down to my last man.
Carol: Ben,
Ben: What?
Mike: Steamed right through you.
Ben: Hey!
Carol: Ben you are supposed to be in bed by nine o clock.
Ben: I was. Nobody said anything about how I gotta stay there.
Mike: Would you just leave my buddy Ben alone. Alright? He and I are trying to get a little
healthy exercise before we turn in.
Ben: Yeah!
Mike: So why don't you just....steamed right through you!
Ben: I hate you.
Carol: Fine fine fine. You guys do what you want, but I sure wouldn't want to be in your
shoes when mum and dad walk through that door and see how openly you disobey them.
Mike: Where were we? Oh yeah. A good clean game of base ball.
Ben: Wait a minute. My controllers not working. I have a point. Grand slam. Alright. I win.
(Maggie walks in)
Ben: Uh oh!
Mike: Mum hi. Look Ben! This is the last time I'm going to tell you. Go to bed!
Ben: Mum, I can explain.
Maggie: Goodnight boys. See you in the morning.
Mike: This could be a trick.
Ben: Mum, where’s dad?
Maggie: Who?
Mike: Tall guy. Nice smile. Looks like a talk show host.
Maggie: Oh him. He's at the movies.
Ben and Mike: Fight.
Jason: Hi boys. Is your mother home yet?
Mike: Uh, blonde woman, looks like Donna Deverona?
Jason: Yeah, that's her.
Mike: Upstairs.
Jason: Great. That's great. Ok good night boys.
Ben: Wow, he didn't send me to bed either.
Mike: Hey what do you say we go for a double header?
Ben: No I think I'll turn in.
Steam rolled!
Mike: Hey!
Jason: Taxi.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: Maggie, anger is not something that should be left inside to seethe and fester.
Maggie: Jason, you make our marriage sound like a boil that needs lancing.
Jason: Ok that's good. Go with that.
Maggie: Jason, I'd rather not talk about this right now, because I might say or do something
that I'd regret.
Jason: What like leaving me stranded outside the Mighty Fine Arts cinema?
Maggie: No. I said something that I’d regret.
Jason: Alright. Look, I am sorry that I was rude. I admit that I was thoughtless. I admit I got
a little carried away.
Maggie: Oh honey, it's ok. Because I know how frustrating it must be to deal with someone
as ignorant as I am.
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: Ignorance is such a terrible burden.
Jason: I explained I was using the term 'ignorant' in its classic sense. I know you can't be
this upset over the word ign...Over that word. I know that you are sublimating. Tell me what
you're sublimating.
Maggie: Sublimating. Well I’ll tell you what I’m sublimating. I am sublimating at this very
instant a sincere desire to tell you exactly what I feel about psychiatric terms
like...sublimating.
Jason: Alright. I won't use psychiatric terms. Just tell me what’s got you so upset.
Maggie: You really don't know, do you?
Jason: Well not precisely. No.
Maggie: I am stunned that you don't know Jason, since I don't have a thought in my head
that you didn't put there.
Jason: That's what I thought. No no that’s not what I thought.
Maggie: Well I'll tell you what I thought. I thought that you really meant it when you said
that the best thing about our marriage was the fact that we were both individuals, with ideas,
ambitions, identities.
Jason: Well you know I do.
Maggie: I know you did, until tonight I heard you blurt out how you really feel.
Jason: I didn't blurt.
Maggie: So you thought about it before you said it?
Jason: I was..I always have a ...thou..You’ve taken a word out of context and you've blown it
out of all proportion.
Maggie: Oh there I go showing my classic ignorance again.
Jason: Come on. You know as well as I do I love the fact that you have your own ideas, your
own identity. I don't even mind a little disagreement Maggie. I thrive on it.
Maggie: Well Jason. You are in for some real fun.
Jason: Ok, now I am getting angry.
Maggie: Go with that.
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: Don't sublimate.
Jason: Come on. You are so upset because this one silly stupid mistake that I accidentally
blurted out.
Maggie: Ah! So you admit that you blurted?
Jason: Are we back to that again?
Maggie: Jason, you are the psychiatrist and I'm surprised you don't know when a person just
blurts out something, it is usually how they really feel.
Jason: Nuts!
Maggie: See?
Jason: You know, I don't see any point in continuing this. Do you see any point in continuing
this? No I don't. Well, I just think that the way you are acting tonight, Maggie, I don't even
know you.
Maggie: well that's exactly how I feel.
Jason: Well blurt, blurt.
Mike: Ben, I cannot sit here and watch you eat that for breakfast.
Ben: So close your eyes.
Carol: Do you guys have any idea what’s going on? You are not going to believe this.
Mike: Mum and dad are fighting.
Carol: How do you know?
Mike: Well first, dad slept on the coach. And second, he didn't just dress up to go jogging, he
actually went.
Ben: Not only that, mum actually said we should get our own breakfast.
Carol: Well we've got to do something about this.
Mike: Why?
Carol: Mike, this is mum and dad we're talking about. I mean at their age, somebody has to
look out for them.
Mike: True. Yeah, I think we should clear this thing up before Ben becomes a total porker.
Ben: Hey, I'm making the best out of a bad situation.
Carol: I know what would work. I mean they couldn't be mad at each other if one of their
kids were in trouble. Right?
Mike: No, no no no, Carol, I am always in trouble.
Carol: No, no, no. I mean like...hurt.
Ben: Forget it!
Mike: Ah wait. I got it. I got it. This is great. So simple, so perfect, so right. You know
sometimes my brain frightens me. Alright, now get this. I'm going to send mum a huge
bouquet and a wimpy apology from dad.
Carol: That's your idea?
Mike: Yeah!
Carol: Mike, it will never work.
Mike: Well it did on the Cosby Show.
Carol: That's TV. This is real life.
Ben: Hold it! You're saying the Cosby Show isn't real?
Carol: Mike, how do you know it's dad who should apologize to mum?
Mike: Well Carol, whenever a man and a woman fight, every guy on the planet knows who
has to apologize.
Jason: Honey? Honey! Honey!
Maggie: What?
Jason: Well, I was wondering if I could maybe just have a word with you before you went to
work?
Maggie: Well, I'm running kind of late this morning Jason. I'm interviewing governor Cuomo.
How about tonight?
Jason: Well I was hoping we could, you know, talk just before you left because I've been
thinking about the way things sometimes get out of hand, and events gain a momentum of
their own and then we end up saying things we don't mean and...
Maggie: I've got to go.
Jason: Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. Hey hold on a second.
Maggie: I can't. My interviews in half an hour.
Jason: Well don't you think you should dress for it?
Maggie: Jason, I don't need a fashion critique. I hardly slept a wink last night and I'm not
thinking very clearly this morning.
Jason: Well, this is beyond fashion. I mean, if you approach the governor dressed like that
and his body guards are going to wrestle you to the ground.
Maggie: Oh, so what do you wear when you interview the governor?
Jason: Well, come on. I'm just saying this is a respected public official. This is Mary O Kwomo,
not Bozo Cuomo.
Jason: So you're saying that clothing has something to do with character?
Jason: Of course. No. No, no,no.
Maggie: Ahh! Too late Jason. You said it. You feel the same way I do.
Jason: I don't.
Maggie: You do.
Jason: I don't . No I ..Just because you feel one way about certain things doesn't mean I
have to feel the same way.
Maggie: Exactly. That' exactly the point I've been trying to make.
Jason: But you tricked me.
Maggie: Honey I wouldn't have stooped so low if I didn't love you.
Jason: So I deserve to be tricked. Yes I do. I'm really sorry about what I said last night.
Maggie: Honey, you embarrassed me in front of all those people.
Jason: Sorry. I was ignorant. But just for the record, I still don't believe in dress codes for
school.
Maggie: And just for the record, I'm still for them. So we can either debate about it or..
Jason: Kiss.
(door bell)
Jason: Excuse me.
Delivery man: (brings flowers) Dr Jason Seaver?
Jason: Oh, Honey. You shouldn't have.
Delivery Man: It's my job.
Jason: "Jason, I love you even when you think you don't agree with me. Love Maggie" Ah
honey, that is so sweet.
Maggie: Well I just thought that after…
Jason: I just wish I had been, you know, my…
Delivery Man: (cough) More flowers. These are for Maggie Seaver. And hey, just seeing people
like you is tip enough for me.
Maggie: Jason, how sweet.
Jason: Well I ...
Maggie: “Maggie dearest, how could I have been so wrong. I'm a complete wimp. Love
Jason."
Oh honey, don't you think you are being a little hard on yourself?
Jason: Noooo!