Radio Announcer: 11:05 on a Christmas Eve morning. And by this time tomorrow fellow
kiddies it will all be over but the exchanging!
Music: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock. . .
Mike: Jacket. Scarf. (sniffs) Blue. All right. Shirt. Uh, long-sleeve. Uh, wrong style.
Exchange value 22.50.
Ben: Do one of mine mike!
Mike: Oh Ben, I’m a little busy right now.
Ben: Just one!
Mike: Alright, ok, one. Underwear.
Ben: Again? How am I supposed to have fun with underwear?
Mike: I don’t know. Wear it backwards.
Ben: Do another Mike.
Mike: Ben, do you mind? I’m looking for the compact disc player that I’ve been hinting about.
Ben: Just one more, just one more please!
Mike: alright, alright, alright Socks!
Ben Socks? What the heck is going on around here?
Dad: Heyyy don’t you look. . .
Introduction
Maggie: Ohhh, reindeer! (laughs) and a star, and a Christmas tree, and a Christmas, ummm,
bra?
Carol: No mom, it’s a modem.
Maggie: A modem?
Carol: Yeah, the thing that I’ve been asking for my computer. The thing that if I get will
make this the happiest Christmas ever.
Dad: Maggie, Carol come here. Come look. It’s snowing harder than before!
Maggie: Oh, isn’t it beautiful?? Yeah. I was thinking how perfect it is. I have my family, a
beautiful home, everybody’s healthy. Great, dinner’s almost ready. It’s Christmas Eve and
it’s snowing! I can’t think of a single other thing we need.
Carol: A modem might come in handy.
Dad: Oh, not you too Carol.
Carol: Not me too what?
Dad: Well, it seems like the only thing that you care about is whether you get this present
you want.
Carol: (shrieks) I was only commenting that if I’m lucky enough to get a modem for my
computer, I’d be more than willing to share it with Mom who could use it to write her stories
by tying into virtually any database in the entire planet.
Dad: How could I have misjudged you?
Mike: Ah! Look at this! It’s snowing harder.
Maggie: I know isn’t it beautiful?
Mike: Beautiful?? Mom, the roads are getting bad.
Maggie: Michael, where to you have to go on Christmas Eve that’s more important than your
family?
Mike: Well no where, I was just thinking of my dear, old Dad
Dad: Where does he have to go?
Carol: Crazy Harry’s computer and stereo city Christmas Eve blowout.
Dad: C’mon are you guys getting a kickback from this man or what?
Ben: Ho ho ho. Boy have I got great news. You know you guys have been saying the real
meaning of Christmas has got nothing to do with presents and other neat stuff?
Dad: We’ve been talking about how sharing and giving are more important than getting.
Ben: Yeah, well, I was in the dumpster behind the pizza place around the corner. . .
Maggie: Uh, wait, wait wait. Ben, what were you doing in the dumpster?
Ben: Christmas shopping for Mike.
Maggie: Ben your news.
Ben: Well, I met this kid and I invited her home for Christmas Eve dinner.
Dad: What did you do?
Ben: I brought her home so we can all share the joy of giving. Hey Kid!
Carol: Mom, this is going to ruin my entire Christmas.
Dad: Ben you’re just too young to be inviting strangers.
Ben: We can give her everything because she doesn’t have anything. Isn’t this fantastic??
Dad: Ben, we thought you understood that if any time a stranger should come up to you for
any reason
Maggie: That you should have nothing to do with them
Ben: I know.
Maggie: Honey, when we’re in the city and someone comes up to me and asks me for money
what do I do?
Ben: You keep walking
Maggie: Right
Ben: and then Dad gives ‘em the money.
Maggie: What?
Dad: We can talk about this later. Ben, the point is that, well, you’re still a young boy and if
somebody asks you for something, you’re just too young to decide for yourself whether
they’re needy or dangerous.
Ben: But she didn’t ask me for anything.
Dad: Well, how did you meet her?
Ben: I jumped on her head.
Dad: What?
Ben: Well, as I was getting into the dumpster. . .
Dad: Ben, what was she doing in the dumpster?
Ben: Waiting for the pizza place to throw out a pizza.
Maggie: Oh dear.
Ben: You know the fat guy at the pizza place with the funny mole on his forehead with the
hair growing out of it? Yeah, well he came out and said he was calling the cops and since it
was snowing and she didn’t have anything to eat or anyplace to stay, I invited her to come
here. That’s what you guys woulda done right?
Dad and Maggie: Well, I, uh maybe she, one of us. . uh
Homeless Woman: The john?
Carol: We don’t have one.
Mike: Uhh, no, it’s down the hall and to your left.
Carol: How could you let her use our bathroom?
Mike: Hey, I never use that bathroom.
Maggie: Where is she?
Mike: Uh, she didn’t like the way Carol smelled so she left.
Carol: She’s in the bathroom.
Maggie: Oh, I better get some towels.
Dad: Well, it seems as though Ben has presented all of us with quite a challenge.
Mike: Yeah, what’s going to be his punishment, Dad?
Jason: Well, I’m not going to punish him.
Carol: What?
Dad: And the girl with be staying for dinner and spending the night.
Carol and Mike: WHAT?
Carol: Oh come on Dad, grow up.
Mike: Hey Dad, there’s a real fine line between being nice and stupid.
Dad: Where do you two get these kind of ideas?
Maggie: Where is the disinfectant?
Dad: Maggie,
Maggie: Yes?
Dad: Would you explain to Carol and Mike how you feel about this?
Maggie: Oh, well, I agree with your Dad that we should share our dinner with this girl.
Dad: and let her spend the night.
Maggie: Oh, come on Jason, grow up! Hello!
Jason: Well, we haven’t officially met. I’m Jason, this is Maggie. This is Carol and Mike.
This is Ben’s brother and sister.
Homeless Woman: Who’s Ben?
Jason: Ben’s the kid you met in the dumpster. Our son. And you are?
Homeless Woman: Nancy Reagan.
Maggie: Well Nancy nice to finally meet you in person. Meet you in person. Well, ok. Well,
There’s just enough time before dinner for a nice, hot shower.
Homeless Woman: So go ahead.
Maggie: I have something for you to put on after your shower Mrs. Reagan. I’ll just slip
your clothes into the washer.
Homeless Woman: umm, I don’t want to put you out or nothing.
Maggie: Oh no no no, it’s my pleasure. I mean how much trouble could it be to rinse out a
couple of. . . oh thanks. Oh I hope my washer has a yuck cycle. (singing) Rudolf the red
nose reindeer, had a very shiny. . . knife. Oh God.
Jason: Honey, can I come in?
Maggie: Oh, please do.
Jason: I bribed the kids to set the table.
Jason: Honey, I’m sorry, I’ll never bribe them again. What are you doing?
Maggie: Oh Jason. This belongs to her.
Jason: Oh boy.
Maggie: Honey, I think charity is wonderful too and you’re a dear, sweet man, but couldn’t
we help someone who doesn’t pack a pig sticker??
Jason: Calm down don’t get excited.
Maggie: Well, that’s easy for you to say. You’re trained to deal with disturbed people.
Jason: Now, you don’t know that this kid is disturbed.
Maggie: Jason, don’t you think the fact that she lives in filth and carries her own cutlery
indicates a teensie-weensie problem?
Jason: Honey, I have an awful lot of experience dealing with runaways down at the shelter.
Maggie: I know
Jason: Well, I know that they’re lonely and they’re desperate
Maggie: Yes
Jason: And frightened.
Maggie: Me too!
Jason: Alright then, let me talk to her. Trust me. I can promise you one thing she won’t get
the knife back and if I sense any danger I’ll call the authorities.
Maggie: Ok
Jason: You see, I do know how to handle disturbed people.
Maggie: Ohhh, don’t push your luck.
Jason: Feel better?
Homeless Woman: Cleaner. Hey! That’s my blade.
Jason: Well we would prefer that our guests were unarmed.
Homeless Woman: Fine. Give me the knife and I’ll split.
Jason: Can we talk?
Homeless Woman: Just let me leave.
Jason: Sit down.
Homeless Woman: Why
Jason: Well because I have a bit of a problem with the idea of you wandering the streets cold
and hungry on Christmas Eve.
Homeless Woman: So you’re a democrat?
Jason: Do you want to talk or should I call the authorities?
Homeless Woman: Republican.
Jason: Sit.
Homeless Woman: If you are thinking of calling the juvies I’ve got better things to do than
talking to some stupid shrink.
Jason: Well, then this isn’t your day.
Homeless Woman: What do you mean?
Jason: I’m a stupid shrink.
Homeless Woman: Oh boy. Out of all the dumpsters in the world your kid had to fall into
mine.
Jason: Well I don’t see any secret service people around so I’m going to assume that you’re
not really Nancy Reagon.
Homeless Woman: Sir, you are good.
Jason: Why’d you run away?
Homeless Woman: I didn’t like the new tv season.
Jason: Well if everybody who hated tv did that we wouldn’t have an empty dumpster
between here and Denver. Why did you really leave home?
Homeless Woman: Because nobody wanted me there.
Jason: Your parents told you that?
Homeless Woman: Look, doc, let me save you some time. Uhh, nobody hit me, nobody
touched me, nobody did anything, nobody gave a damn.
Jason: You sure?
Homeless Woman: Look who cares? I don’t anymore.
Jason: I don’t believe you.
Homeless Woman: So what?
Jason: So if you want to use our phone. You don’t have to tell them where you’re calling
from, just make a call and let them know that you’re still alive, ok? Ok.
Homeless Woman: You’re going to call the heat now aren’t you? That figures, that just
figures.
Jason: No, I’m not going to call anybody. You see, you’re wrong about me. And if you
could be wrong about me, you should consider the possibility that you could be wrong about
your folks too. And for your information, the last three elections I voted independent.
(singing) Deck the halls with bows of holly fa la la la la. . . .
Mike: Mom, mom, could you turn that down a little bit?
Maggie: wait, wait. You’re asking me to turn the stereo down?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a first, but c’mon I’m getting fa la la-ed to death here.
Maggie: No problem Mike. I’ll just put on the Beach Boys’ Christmas album.
Mike: no, no, this is fine.
Maggie: Oh, Ben don’t you look. . .
Ben: Save it mom, this suit has weenie written all over it.
Mike: Hey Ben, where’s the kid?
Ben: Carol’s dressing her in some dippy outfit.
Mike: All’s I know is that she’s not sitting next to me while I’m trying to eat.
Dad: Make way for the big pig.
Maggie: And this is the last of it.
Mike: Hey mom, you should have heard what dad just called you.
Ben: Let’s eat! Let’s eat! Let’s eat!
Jason: Whoa. . aren’t we missing Carol and our guest?
Carol: . . . I swear! You guys are not going to believe this.
Everyone: Ooohhhh
Maggie: Don’t you look wonderful! Jason, doesn’t she look beautiful?
Ben: She doesn’t look dippy . . .
Jason: I’m sorry was that you I kicked, Ben?
Maggie: Why don’t you sit next to Ben.
Ben: You even smell good.
Homeless Woman: I hardly miss the dumpster.
Jason: On that festive note, I would like to remind you all of the great Siever family tradition
where we go around the table and tell everyone tells everyone else why they’re so thankful
this year.
Mike: Dad, we do this every year!
Jason: Well, if you would rather just forget it. . .
Kids: YES!
Jason: you’re out of luck, ok. Alright now Ben you start.
Maggie: C’mon Ben.
Ben: Alright, I’m thankful that I got taller this year and Mike didn’t.
Jason: that’s it?
Ben: Oh yeah and I’m glad there wasn’t too much damage from the goofy glue incident.
Could have happened to anyone.
Maggie: Carol
Carol: Ok. Well I’m glad that I got straight A’s for the seventh year in a row. And I’m also
pretty pleased that Bobby Winett finally called me after three weeks and I’m very happy that
my whole family is healthy.
Maggie: Oh, honey, that’s sweet.
Carol: At least physically.
Homeless Woman: It was funny.
Jason: Alright Mike your turn.
Mike: Where to begin. Hahaha no, ok, I’m thankful for my car even though upkeep and
routine maintenance has gone through the roof lately which can drain a teenager’s part time
job and virtually wiping out any extra. . .
Jason: Mike. .
Mike: Yeah dad?
Jason: Never mind. You’re up Maggie!
Maggie: Ohh, okay well let’s see. I’m thankful for my kids and my career and I owe it all to
the smartest, sexiest guy in the whole US of A. I’m just kidding. No honey, I’m serious.
Jason: alright, it’s my turn.
Mike: This could take us into New Year’s.
Jason: Well, I’m thankful that the Siever’s made it through another year without any major
disasters, with the exception of the goofy glue incident and I’m thankful that our lives are so
full of (shut up Mike) joy. And I’m thankful that we have a guest in our home this year who
will go back out into the world and tell the people that the Siever’s worst crime is that we’re a
little corny.
Everyone: Yeah!
Maggie: Let’s eat.
Ben: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Nancy Reagon has to tell us what she’s thankful for.
Homeless Woman: I got nothing to say.
Jason: That’s okay.
Mike: No, no, no it’s not- I think that if we’re supposed to treat her like a member of the
family that she should suffer the same humiliation that we do.
Jason: Let’s just forget about it.
Ben: But dad you said she. . . oh alright, who kicked me this time?
Homeless Woman: Oh ok. Uh. . .Ben I’m thankful that you fished me out of the garbage
and Mrs. Siever thank you for washing my clothes and Carol thank you for lending me your
outfit. And I’m thankful that I’m not freezing to death in the snow. For one day at least.
Ben: Gee, amongst all that the goofy glue incident seems pretty silly.
Maggie: Watch out for the. . . the table.
Jason: Ow!
Maggie: Jason, do you realize this is the first year that the kids are actually going to be
surprised on Christmas morning?
Jason: The attic was a stroke of genius. I’m glad I thought of it. Honey, does it ever occur
to you that we just have too much?
Maggie: Yep. We sure are lucky.
Jason: I mean look at all this. To Carol from us. To Ben from us. To us from Ben. Maggie:
To Carol from Mike. To Mike from Mike?
Jason: Look at this. To Nancy Reagon from Carol. To Nancy from Ben. Honey, look at
these.
Maggie: I don’t have to. This is to Nancy from Mike.
Jason: Well, they didn’t have time to shop.
Maggie: Can you believe this?
Jason: well, either our kids are learning something about Christmas or we’re learning
something about our kids.
Homeless Woman: Well, who asked ‘em? Who the hell asked ‘em?
Ben: Ahhhhhh!! No dad, no mike!
Jason: What is it, what’s wrong?
Ben: Well, look!
Jason: Oh no.
Maggie: She took everything.
Ben: Even my socks and underwear!
Mike: Alright, just tell me this. Had you brought the good presents down from the attic yet?
Jason: Mike, this is no time to be thinking of yourself.
Mike: Well yesterday was a time for that, just before Mr. Goofy glue, here, brought the cat
burglar home.
Carol: What a rip off!
Mike: Boy are we suckers.
Maggie: Michael just stop it.
Jason: Well, I can’t believe it I mean I was talking to her. I thought I was getting
somewhere with her.
Mike: Yeah, well now she’s getting somewhere with our Christmas. I’m going after her.
Ben: Me too.
Maggie: You’re not going to find anything outside. . .
Ben: Wow!
Maggie: What do you know? Jason. . .
Carol: She couldn’t go through with it.
Mike: She stopped when she was homefree.
Carol: Maybe she was scared. .
Maggie: or sorry. . .
Ben: or nice.
Jason: or maybe she was just as affected by us as we were by her.
Homeless Woman: Hi Daddy. . . it’s Denise. Yeah, it’s really me. Umm, I’m fine. How are
you? Well Merry Christmas to you!
(singing)