Vito: OK Seaver, the next chick who walks through that door is yours.
Ben: Mmmm, not too shabby.
Vito: Now that's a woman.
Stinky: Marone.
Ben: Hey, is Mary Migliana wearing falsies? False alarm, training bra.
Stinky: What's she training to do, anyway?
Ben and Friend: Shut up, Stinky!
Ben: Hey, look at what Jude Jones is wearing.
Vito: Hey, Seaver, you got no shot at Jude. Unless she's into guys with dorky haircuts.
Ben: Look, this wasn't my idea. My dad made me get a haircut.
Vito: Hey, she's coming over.
Judy: Hi Ben, new haircut?
Ben: Looks pretty bad, doesn't it?
Judy: No, I think it looks really cool.
Stinky: Boy, if some girl did that to me, I'd slug her. Ben!!
Ben: She wants me.
Stinky: For what?
Ben: I don't know
Ben: Dad, Dad, I gotta ask you something!!
Jason: Hey, hi Ben. Hey, bet ya got a lot of complements on your new haircut, huh?
Ben: Later Dad. Look, I gotta ask you something.
Jason: OK Benny, shoot.
Ben: What does it mean when a girl runs her fingers through a guy's hair?
Jason: Well, when a girl... Yep, yep, yep. Well I'm glad you came to me on this Ben. I guess it
is time we had a little refresher on that subject, huh?
Ben: But all I wanted to know was...
Jason: That's alright, go have a seat; we'll start at the beginning. Na, we can skip the pistols
and the stamens with you, can't we Ben, huh? Yes, let's start with our friends the mammals,
hmm?
Now, as you remember, Ben, when that old hump back whale starts to swim with other hump
back whales, his own age, outside the family unit...
Ben: All I'm saying is that Dad told me a lot more than I wanted to know...ever.
Mike: The hump back whale deal?
Ben: I mean, all I asked was, what does it mean when a girl runs her fingers through a guy's
hair?
Mike: Ah, Benny, Benny, why would you wanna ask Dad that when you've got me?
Ben: Well, Dad always says, come to him; "don't just pick it up in the street like Mike did."
Mike: Hey, you see a street here?
Ben: No. But I was just...
Mike: Benny, you've got to understand, women today like guys who are...who are gentle and
sensitive; and who knows how to fake that slop better than me? Alright? Now, show me
exactly what she did.
Ben: She went like this.
Mike: Alright, now how'd it make you feel?
Ben: God help me, I loved it!!
Mike: Yeah?
Ben: So it means she wants me, right?
Mike: Ah, no doubt about it.
Ben: Mike, I thought girls were cute and stuff before, but I've never had one touch me on
purpose and, like, mean it.
Mike: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, ah!! I'll never, never ever forget the first girl that did that to me.
Ronda...something or other.
Ben: You don't remember her last name?
Mike: Hey, giver me a break, it was in nursery school.
Ben: This happened to you in nursery school?
Mike: Oh yeah. It was nap time, as I recall. We had just put the plastic over the clay
to...err...keep it moist. Then we set up our cots, and I felt this tiny tug on my smock.
Ben: Hey! Remember me?
Mike: Oh! Oh! Right, sorry Benny. OK, now listen, you just got to realise Benny, that this is the
first time a girl has ever put a move on you. Now, are you ready to take that next step?
Ben: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Mike: Alright! Good!
Ben: Can I borrow your apartment?
Mike: For what?
Ben: I don't know. Can I borrow your car?
Mike: For what?
Ben: I don't know!!
Mike: Benny, Benny, you're skipping some major steps here!! But, I gotta say, excellent
attitude. Seems you got that Seaver blood pumping through those veins.
Ben: Tell me about it.
Mike: Yeah. Alright, now you'll have to put a lip-lock on what's her name, alright?
Ben: Judy. Her name's Judy Jones.
Mike: Hey, down boy. Alright, now listen...listen...we agree that is your goal, right?
Ben: Yeah. Yeah!! That is my goal! Thanks Mike, I'm glad I talked to you!! What do I do?
Mike: All you gotta do, is ask her out.
Ben: Right. I'll ask her out. Where should I ask her to go?
Mike: A movie is always the perfect cover.
Ben: Right.
Mike: Ben, don't move.
Ben: A movie, why?
Mike: Because Benny, it's dark, you get to sit real close, and maybe, just maybe, she'll share
your goobers.
Mike: Hey, remember how I like my eggs?
Carol: Remember how I hate your guts?
Mike: You know Carol, if I knew you were in here making breakfast, I would have stayed in my
room with my beef jerky.
Carol: The only reason I'm cooking is because Mom's got to get to her exercise class.
Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Serve it up, wench!
Jason: Well, well, well; someone else cooking, I could get use to this.
Mike: Yeah, you know, I was just saying the same thing.
Maggie: Oh, well, well, well, someone else doing the cooking, I could get use to this.
Mike and Jason: Yeah, I was just saying the same thing.
Ben: Carol's cooking?
Mike: Forget it Ben, it's been covered.
Maggie: Hey pumpkin, you look extra handsome today.
Ben: That's my plan.
(baby crying)
Jason: Yes, it's my turn.
Maggie: Well, I...err...have to run.
Mike: OK.
Carol: See you, Mom.
Maggie: Boy, do I have to run.
Mike: So, what's this cologne you're wearing? Forever butterscotch?
Ben: Mike, you promised!
Mike: Alright, alright. I won't say a word, now that you're in love.
Ben: Mike, come on!
Carol: In love! Ben, you?
Ben: I gotta get to school.
Carol: But Ben, you didn't touch your breakfast.
Ben: I'm not hungry.
Carol: Loss of appetite, it's definitely love. Ah, I should have just found a guy, instead of going
on that diet.
Mike: How could you have found a guy? You were a pig!
(20 seconds broken)
Teacher: I don't care. What did Alexander Graham Bell say to Mr. Watson?
Vito: Errm...Elementary my dear Watson.
Teacher: Wrong Vito, and now let's hear what Mr. Seaver's answer is; which he has so
thoughtfully written down for us. No, Mr. Seaver, Alexander Graham Bell's first words on the
telephone to Mr. Watson, were not, "hi, you're cute. Wanna go to a movie?"
Stinky: That was great, I almost wet my pants.
Vito: Better luck next time stinky.
Ben: Hey guys spread out, Judy's coming over.
Judy: Was this addressed to me?
Ben: No, not at all. So could you?
Judy: Could I what?
Ben: Go to a movie with me?
Judy: No. I'm sorry.
Ben: Thanks anyway.
Judy: No. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that my mom says that I can't go out on date
dates for another two years. But, if like somebody was having a party, I could meet you there.
I'd love to meet you there.
Ben: Party? Well, son of a gun, somebody is having a party!
Judy: Who?
Ben: Me.
Judy: Why didn't you just say so?
Ben: I was just asking myself the same question.
Judy: When's the party?
Ben: You busy tonight?
Judy: No.
Ben: It's tonight, at my house.
Judy: What kind of party?
Ben: A birthday party.
Judy: Whose birthday?
Ben: Mine.
Judy: I thought your birthday was in October.
Ben: A lot of people do.
Judy: I wouldn't miss it for the world, Benjamin.
Judy: Benjamin! Wow! Vito, Stinky, I just invited Judy to a birthday party at my house tonight.
Vito: But it's not even your birthday.
Ben: I don't care.
Friends: Alright! Party! Party!
Ben: No, Vito, I do care, don't!!! Oh no.
Classmate: Yo, Seaver, can I bring my cousin from Hoboken?
Jason: Well Chrissy, let me tell you about our friend the mammal; see yes, there's a hump
back whale...
Ben: Where's Mike?
Jason: Hey, hey, don't we even get a hello?
Ben: Hello! Where's Mike?
Jason: Ben, you seem upset.
Ben: I'm not upset, and I don't need to know anymore about hump back whales. I need Mike.
Jason: You see, the hump back whale gets tired of swimming alone...
Mike: Ben, I have got myself into some really doozies, but this is truly, major league. OK, so
you've got what, thirty kids coming over tonight?
Ben: If I'm lucky that will be all.
Mike: Woo hoo!! This is bad! Well, let's keep our heads here. Alright, now, you're having a
birthday party tonight, but it's not really your birthday; and even if it was, you don't have
Mom and Dad's permission to have a party. Is that about it? Woo! This is real bad.
Ben: I'll just tell everybody that I lied and there's no party.
Mike: No, no, no, Benny, listen to me. If your friends cannot rely on your word, especially
when you’re lying, then you've got no future as a teenager.
Ben: Is it my fault it's not my birthday?
Mike: Hey, that's it!! That's it Benny, I got it.
Ben: Well give it to me!
Mike: Why can't today be your birthday? Know what I mean?
Ben: No.
Mike: Come on Benny, aren't you listening to me?
Ben: Listening to what?
Mike: We are gonna have your birthday party.
Ben: But it's not my birthday!!!
Mike: Benny! Benny! Come on, wake up and smell your birthday cake. we're going to need
some brains on this operation.
Ben: Stinky can help.
Mike: You are this close to being tossed out of that window. I am talking about carol.
Ben: Carol will never help me.
Mike: Oh come on Ben. You know how any time someone mentions romance, Carol goes
completely bap-loop?
Ben: Yeah. So?
Mike: So we tell her about Judy and she'll get all weepy like mum and then she'll help out. I
can almost hear that high pitched squeal now.
Carol: Ohh! Does she feel the same way about you?
Ben: I think so. So will ya?
Carol: Well of course I’ll help you. Oh Ben!
Mike: What did I tell you?
Carol: Now we don’t have much time here.
Mike: See Bennie? She's already thinking.
Carol: I know the perfect way to get mum and dad out of the house. Mike I assume you are
doing your part to help out?
Mike: Ah. You know me. Whatever it takes.
Ben: Why hasn’t Mike called yet?
Carol: he will, he will.
Ben: Sure he knows what to say?
Carol: Relax, I even wrote him a script.
Jason: You're right honey. What was I thinking? Of course, I’ll cook dinner, you breast feed the
baby. What are you guys doing?
Ben: Waiting for the stinking phone to ring.
Jason: What?
(phone rings)
Ben: It’s for you dad.
Jason: How do you know that?
Ben: I don’t. How could I?
Jason: Hello. Yes, this is doctor Seaver.
Mike: (in Indian accent) Oh hello. I velly velly wonderful news coming to you.
Jason: Who is this?
Mike: Oh, Personally I am Madi. manager of the Star of India restaurant. Pleased to be
informing you that tonight only, you have won a free dinner for two at my pitiful establishment.
that should be beautiful establishment.
Jason: Well thanks very much anyway, but I'm afraid tonight is out of the quest....I, I, I, did
you say free?
Mike: Oh yes. As free as the birds that fly over the clouds in Punjab.
Jason: Well free, hu?
Mike: Oh yes. Would eight o clock be pleasing for you?
Jason: Eight would be fine. Yes.
Mike: Oh goody. I will be counting the visible minutes. Until then I bid you...adios.
Jason: Ok, bye bye. hey what do you know. Hey Carol, would you mind uh...
Ben: Babysitting? She's love to.
Carol: Sure dad. I had plans, but I guess I could.
Jason: Great! Get dressed honey, I’m treating you to a fine dinner.
Ben: Mike, when are mum and dad going to leave? Hu hu hu?
Mike: Ben! Heal!
Carol: Ok, refreshments are in the back of Mike’s car. The decorations are hidden under the
porch, I even remembered to get condiments.
Mike: Carol, what are you thinking? These are Junior high School kids.
Carol: And I dropped forty dollars off at the restaurant.
Mike: are you sure forty is going to be enough?
Carol: Well it will have to be. That’s all I found on your dresser.
Mike: What?
Carol: You said whatever it takes. Well it took your forty bucks.
Mike: Well I already paid for the band.
Carol: Band. What band?
(phone rings)
Carol: Excuse me. Hello. Oh yes Doctor Seaver's here. Um, hold on. Another parent.
Mike: Hello. Yes this is doctor Seaver. Please, call me Jason. Yes, I’ll keep my eye on the little
tykes. I'll be here all evening. Ok, bye bye.
Jason: You'll be here all evening on a Friday night? Is anything wrong with your voice?
Mike: Oh, yeah I got a cold dad. That’s why I’m staying in all night. Hey, why infect the college
women of Long Island? hey dad.
Carol: Dad, aren’t you going to be late if you don’t leave now?
Jason: I was ready half an hour ago, but you now what your mother is like. She's gorgeous
and smart, and has a great sense of humour.
Maggie: You're pushing it Jason.
Jason: There she is.
Maggie: Chris should sleep through.
Mike and Carol: Ok, you guys have fun.
Jason: Stinky! What are you going here?
Stinky: What do you mean what am I....Just dropped in to say hi to Ben.
Jason: Wearing a tuxedo?
Stinky: Well I’m going to my uncle’s funeral.
Maggie: With a present.
Stinky: We're circus people.
Maggie: Night.
Mike: Ok, good night. Have fun. You kids have fun. See you later. We are circus people!
Ben: Is Judy with you guys?
Stinky: So, what did you get Ben for his birthday?
Vito: It’s not his birthday dead head. I got him an empty box.
Stinky: Ah nuts. That’s what I got him.
Ben: How's my breath?
Vito: Relax Seaver. This is going to work out fine.
Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stinky: What's going to work out fine?
Ben: This phony party that I’m having that will give me a chance to, you know.
Vito: Yeah.
Stinky: A chance to what?
Vito: Put the moves on Judy.
Stinky: Why?
Ben: Because.
Stinky: Because what?
Ben: Just because. Ok?
Stinky: Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Ben: Judy's here. She's here.
Stinky: Let’s go talk to her.
Carol: So where is this band you supposedly got?
Mike: In the kitchen getting ready. Keep your shirt on. And I mean that. We've got
impressionable young children here.
(Band comes in)
Carol: What is that?
Mike: Its boner's uncle Ninzo. Isn’t he great? Hey! Hey! Hey!
Ben: More cake?
Judy: Three pieces are plenty.
Ben: Are you having a good time?
Judy: No. A great time.
Ben: This is the best birthday party I ever had.
Judy: I haven’t even wished you happy birthday yet. Have I.
Ben: Nah, but that’s ok.
Judy: No its not. Happy birthday...Benjamin.
Carol: Ok everybody. Time for the clothe pin drop.
Everyone: Yeah!
Maggie: Oh Jason, what a nice idea. What a fancy place.
Jason: Nothing's too good for my Maggie.
Maggie: Jason, lets reestablish our once a month dinner alone rule.
Jason: I think we just did.
Waiter: here you are. The Punjab surprise. Oh and I thought it might please you to enjoy the
beans morocco as well.
Jason: Beans morocco. I love beans morocco. Is that included in the free dinner as well?
Maggie: Free dinner?
Waiter: Certainly, your check has been, as you say, taken care of. Up to fifty dollars.
Jason: You never mentioned a forty dollar limit on the phone.
Waiter: excuse me. But I have never had the pleasure of speaking to you on the telephone sir.
Jason: Ah it must have been the owner.
Waiter: I am the owner of this beautiful establishment. There is no one else you might have
spoken with.
Jason: Well, I’m beginning to smell a rat.
Carol: Shhh! To the victor to go the spoils. A close pin drop championship of Long Island.
Stinky: Thanks, but my name's not Victor.
Carol: No Stinky, see, never mind. Enjoy.
Musician: Ok, let’s slow it down now. With the music I offer, you can’t refuse.
Ben: So, you want to dance?
Judy: I was worried that uncle Luccio was never going to play a slow one. Happy birthday.
Maggie: What is going on here?
Jason: Somehow, I was not reassured by a kid named Stinky, telling me everything was fine
while Havanigella played in the background. Who are you?
Musician: I am uncle Nunzio.
Jason: Oh.
Stinky: Oh yeah. I forgot. Your dad called.
Mike: Da da da da da da da. Alright Carol. What the heck is going on in here?
Maggie: Nice try Mike. And Carol, I leave you alone with Chris one time, and this is what
happens. I hope you don’t have any plans for the next six months.
Mike: Yeah!
Maggie: You either Mike.
Carol: Mum, the baby’s fine.
Maggie: well you'll forgive me if I check for myself.
Mike: Dad, just between you and me, I am very very disappointed with Carol.
Jason: (in Indian accent) Well I am velly velly happy to hear that. Now caro9l, you go to your
room right now. And Mike, you got o your apartment. And Ben, you and I are going to have a
major major talk. Your friends are going to have to go home. And that goes for you too, Uncle
Nunzio.
Vito: Tough break man.
Friend: too bad they have to spoil your birthday like that Bennie.
Jason: Birthday!
Ben: Judy, I know you probably think I’m the biggest weenie in the world, and if you never
want to talk to me, or even look at me again...
Judy: Are you nuts? Anybody who'd get into this much trouble just to invite me to a party is
pretty cool. Happy birthday Benjamin.
Ben: It’s not really my birthday.
Judy: Who cares?
Mike: Sh!
Ben: Ah!
Mike: Sh! I just wanted to make sure that you are ok.
Ben: Well, I still got to go up and see mum and dad, and...
Mike and Ben together: "Face the music".
Mike: I know.
Ben: But Mike, it’s funny. I'm probably going to be grounded for the rest of my life, but it was
worth it.
Mike: What was?
Ben: Mike, she kissed me.
Mike: Hey, alright Bennie. Welcome to the club.
Ben: Thanks, it only gets better from here. Right?
Mike: No, now you learn what real pain is.