Mike: I got something I'd like to say.
Grandma: Go ahead Mike.
Mike: First I'd like to thank Mom and Dad and...and Grandma Erma and Grandpa Wally, for
showing us all how great love and marriage really can be. And, I've also got kind of a surprise
for everybody.
Jason: Ho ho ho, wait till you hear this.
Maggie: You know what's coming?
Jason: Yeah. Nothing gets by me.
Mike: I want you all to know... Heck, I want the whole world to know...that I love Julie Costello,
and I want her to be my wife.
Maggie: You knew about this?
Jason: Err...
Mike: Well?
Julie: Yes.
Carol: Wasn't that romantic? When I get married, I want it to be on a boat.
Ben: What! A whaler?
Jason: Hey, can we please not have any fighting for maybe...
Maggie: What did you know Jason? And when did you know it? Huh! Huh!
Jason: Maggie, I only found out Mike and Julie where an item an hour ago. The wedding just
came as a complete surprise to me! And I'd be freaked out right now too, if I weren't trying to
calm you down!
Maggie: You're trying to calm me down?
Jason: Yes.
Maggie: Well you're doing a lousy job. So you mean to tell me that you really didn't know this
was coming?
Jason: I didn't! Didn't you see my eyes go "booing!"?
Maggie: Well, if that little...and I'll just say it, blonde, thinks she can start out taking care of
Chrissy, and end up taking away my son, she has got another thing coming!! I mean after
what she did, I'm expected to just smile and welcome her to our family?!
Mike: You didn't even congratulate us yet.
Maggie: Welcome to our family!
Ben: Mom, can we go on a family cruise again next year?
Maggie: Sure Ben, right after we have a family route canal.
Ben: Oh by the way Mom, that reminds me; before we left to take Julie home, Mike said, I get
his apartment after he gets married.
Maggie: Oh, is that what Mike says? So, he's making decisions for everybody now; how nice.
Do you think it would be OK with Mike, if I took Chrissy upstairs?
Ben: Sure. I don't think he'd... What did I say?
Carol: Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, so big in body, so small in brain. Haven't you noticed, since Mike's
big announcement, how tense Mom and Dad have been?
Ben: Mom and Dad are always tense. What house did you grow up in?
Carol: Ben, wake up and smell the nuptials! I mean the last thing they want is for Mike to get
married.
Ben: How's he ever gonna have sex?
Carol: Forget about sex. The problem is, Mom and Dad in their foolish blindness, think that if
Mike can't pick up his own dirty socks, he's too young and irresponsible for marriage.
Jason: Oh, is that what it is Carol? Well, thank you for you razor-sharp analysis. I'm sure your
wisdom comes from all the kids you've raised!
Carol: Well, actually...bye.
Ben: Dad, all I know is, we weren't talking about sex.
Maggie: Jason, we should have never hired Julie in the first place. I mean, putting her and
Mike, two attractive young people in close contact; we were just begging for something like
this to happen.
Jason: Hey, Maggie, after all I hired her. You shouldn't blame yourself.
Maggie: I wasn't.
Julie: Well, what if they ask us, if we want to have kids.
Mike: Then, you say "yes".
Julie: But, I'm not ready to have kids.
Mike: Then, just say "no".
Julie: But, what if they ask...
Mike: Listen, Julie, Julie, look. This is not some kind of final exam, where they hand out tests
and grade our papers. This is my family we are talking about.
Julie: You're right.
Mike: Yeah, look, we're just gonna sit down and we're gonna break bread together...and
maybe a few dishes.
Julie: What!?
Mike: I'm just kidding. OK, how about a kiss for luck?
Julie: Do you really think we'll need luck?
Mike: Oh, lots and lots of it.
Carol: Which one's yours?
Ben: Both of 'em.
Carol: I still don't see why I have to eat in the living room with the giant rat.
Jason: You're mother and I would like to have a nice private talk...
Maggie: With Mike and his scheming hussy.
Jason: I don't think we have to use terms like scheming hu...he...hello, hello!!
Maggie: Kids, kids, sit down, sit down. Carol, would you please check on Chrissy for me!
Carol: No, I always have...
Maggie: Just do it!!!
Jason: Maggie, why don't I help you serve this delicious meal you've been preparing all day.
Mike: There, now don't you feel silly for worrying?
Jason: Alright! Everybody help themselves here to your mother's all time famous...wieners
and beans.
Maggie: Well, I was going to make something tasty and delicious, but then I thought maybe
you two should get used to the crud most newly-weds eat. Wiener?
Jason: Alright, well, that brings us to the real reason that we invited you two over for dinner
tonight.
Mike: Look, Dad, we already know the reasons, so lets just let the yelling begin, OK?
Jason: Ha, no, no, hold your horses, Mike. There's not gonna be any ranting or raving over
what a stupid thing this is for you to rush into... Well, we're all open-minded here, right,
Maggie?
Maggie: Like a sieve!
Jason: So, I have come up with a list of forty six items, of what I call, "Things you haven't
thought enough about."
Mike: Gee, Dad, don't you have copies for the rest of us?
Jason: As a matter of fact, I do. Here you go, everybody gets one. You can read along, follow
the notes. If you wanna make a few of your own, here's a pen. Everybody, let's jump on
number on here, "why get married now?"
Mike: We're not. We're getting married in three months.
Jason: Alright, well why three months?
Mike: Well, why not?
Maggie: That's it? That's your answer? Huh! The wedding's off, let's eat!
Julie: Mike meant, because we're in love now.
Mike: yeah, Dad, we love each other!
Jason: Well, I deal with what real love is in the corollary to question thirty eight there. So we
can just move on for now. Let's go to question two, "where will you live?"
Julie: At my apartment...I mean "our" apartment.
Jason: Well, I do cover community property in toto in...
Maggie: Jason, your wiener’s getting cold!
Jason: Ah, let's take a look at question number three then; "how will you support yourselves?"
Julie: Well, I have my job here as Chrissy's nanny, and I'm gonna get a job at Columbia
University library, after classes.
Maggie: And you don't mind supporting this bum?
Jason: Maggie!
Mike: Hey, come on! Eddy...Eddy's dad says that I can work for him on the weekends at his
construction business. It pays like two hundred Dollars a day!
Jason: Two hundred? Right, OK. Let's take a look at number four here, " how are you gonna
keep up with your studies, when you have a brand new wife and a new part time job?"
Mike: Well look Dad, all I know is that ever since I met Julie, my grades have only gone up
and up. I...I mean, she makes me study!
Julie: He says I'm even tougher than you are.
Maggie: Well, we'll see, won't we?
(Mike, Maggie and Julie are arguing.)
Jason: Ok!! Let's just move on to number forty three.
Mike: Oh, can I have another copy? I got wiener juice on my forty three!
Maggie: Here, take mine! This is getting us absolutely nowhere!
Jason: Maggie, we agreed we wouldn't yell at them, remember?
Maggie: Jason, between tabling, corollaries ananananan wiener juice we've covered absolutely
nothing!!!
Jason: Oh, good, so what do you want me to do? You want me to just give up my calm
rational approach? Should I just blurt out, they are about to make the biggest mistake of their
lives!!!!????
Mike: The biggest mistake of our lives?
Jason: Oh, come on, Mike, you know it's true! I mean you get all swept up in a little forbidden
romance and before you know it, ba-bing! ba-bang! ba-boom! Wow! And you're strolling down
the isle!!
Julie: Forbidden romance!?
Maggie: We hired you to take care of Chrissy's needs, not...Mike's!
Julie: I did not take care of Mike's needs!
Mike: Yeah, what the heck are you talking about Mom?
Jason: Do you think we need to get into that now?
Maggie: Oh, Jason don't tell me what there's a need to get into!
Mike: I will not sit here and listen to this! Come on!!
Julie: Ow!!
Jason: Oh, sure, when it gets a little tough you just turn tail and run!! Hey, if you can't stand
your mother's poo poo, this relationship doesn't have a chance!!!
Jason: Maggie, why's the kitchen table set? I thought you said we were going out for dinner?
Maggie: No, I said you were going out for dinner.
Jason: I said I was sorry about that poo poo thing.
Maggie: Jason, it has nothing to do with that. You're going out to dinner with Mike.
Jason: What's going on?
Maggie: Well, I just wanted to have a nice calm chat with Julie. You know, just the two of us.
Jason: Ah, no witnesses, huh?
Maggie: Yeah, right. You think I'd put arsenic in the goose-liver pate? Here taste it.
Jason: Mmmm, na! Maybe later.
Maggie: Herro.
Mike: Herro.
Jason: Hi.
Julie: Hiya.
Mike: Ah. Well, so far, so good. So, Dad, Mom tells me that you wanna take me out for a
burger.
Jason: Yeah, she tells me that too.
Maggie: Well, Mike, Jason, you two better get going. I'm gonna burn my roast.
Grandma: Hello. Hello, hello!
Mike: Hey, Grandma, Grandpa.
Maggie: Mom, Dad, you're early!
Jason: Early? You didn't mention your parents were coming over.
Grandpa: Well, you could be a little grateful here.
Maggie: Dad.
Jason: Grateful?
Grandpa: Ya. I mean, we dropped everything to get down here, to fill in for this nanny that
you fired!
Mike: What?
Jason: That's your idea of a calm chat? Firing the nanny!
Mike: Ah, come on Dad! Don't start acting here. We know you're behind this whole thing too.
Jason: No, I am not. Tell him Maggie! No, you did this nut bar thing on your own.
Maggie: I did this nut bar thing on my own.
Grandpa: Ooh, I haven’t seen 'em this tense since...err...well the last time we were here. Do
you know what this is about, Miss...err...
Julie: We've met before Mr. Malone. I’m Julie, Chrissy's nanny, till you tell me otherwise.
Grandpa: Well, it's a pleasure... Oh...err...
Maggie: OK, OK, so I was gonna hang her! Sew me!
Mike: Look, Mom, you cannot fire my future wife!
Julie: It's OK. I was gonna quit!
Jason: Hey, nobody's gonna fire anybody's future or anything, OK?
Mike: Listen, you're not quitting anything!!
Maggie and Julie: Don't tell me what to do!!!
Grandma: Excuse me. I know sometimes I'm slow catching on to things...
Grandpa: Sometimes?
Grandma: But, did I just hear you say that you and Mike were engaged?
Mike: You bet Grandma!!
Grandma: Oh, that's wonderful!!
Grandpa: Well, it's about time young man!
Maggie: What?
Grandma: I want you two to make me a great-grandma real soon.
Maggie: Mom, Dad, you're not helping me out here.
Jason: Super idea to call your parents, Maggie.
Maggie: Well, at least I was doing something about it, Jason.
Jason: Well, I'm doing something about it too.
Maggie: What?
Jason: I'm...err...trying to think of the next logical step in this thing.
Maggie: Well, by the time you've thought of the next logical step, Mike and Julie will be
happily married, and then what will we do?
Mike: Nothing!! Because we'll be happily married.
Maggie: Mike, there's no reason to raise your voice. We can have a nice, calm, rational
intercourse here.
Grandpa: Margaret!!!!
Maggie: Daddy, just shut up!!!
Grandpa: No, now you see by that example, I can see why your children are yelling at you!!
Jason: Like I said, Maggie, super idea.
Mike: Listen, you guys can say whatever you want, but Julie and I are getting married!!! I
mean, we'll elope if we have to, right Julie?
Julie: Mike!
Mike: And I'm not talking about three months from now, Mom. I'm talking about tonight.
Ba-bing! Ba-bang! Err...
Jason: Ba-boom.
Mike: Ba-boom! Right Julie?
Julie: Excuse us.
Mike: Hey!
Grandma: Family wedding, oh, you two must be so thrilled.
Julie: How could you say something so crazy, like, we're eloping?
Mike: Look, would you just calm down!
Julie: I mean, isn't that something we should talk about, instead of you just blurting it out?
Mike: Yes, yes, we'll talk about it, OK? Calmly and rationally. So, what do you think?
Julie: I didn't subscribe to "Bride's Magazine" for six years, just to end up in front of some
justice of peace, in some scummy chapel, in some place where it smells bad!! I...I just...
Mike: Wait, what...what...what...you'd rather just not get married at all?
Julie: Yes.
Mike: What?
Julie: No. Yes. I don't know. I know, let's just elope.
Ben: Grandma, Grandpa, we didn't know you guys were coming.
Jason: No, apparently that was a well guarded secret.
Grandpa: So, Carol, looks like you're gaining a sister in law.
Carol: And, losing a brother.
Ben: I'm gaining an apartment.
Grandma: Now, isn't this Julie the same girl you've been raving about all these months?
Carol: The very same.
Grandma: And Maggie, didn't you say once that you hoped Mike would meet and settle down
with a girl like Julie?
Maggie: Mom, of all the things I've ever said, you've picked that one to remember!
Grandpa: That Michael is a lucky man.
Maggie: He is not a lucky man! He is a boy! And when did you two get so lenient?
Grandma: We've always been lenient.
Maggie: Mom, Dad, did you two drive two hundred miles just to torment us?
Grandpa: With the short-cuts I know, this old copper's cut that down to about a hundred and
eighty three.
Maggie: Mom, Dad, why don't you two turn right around and go back to Boston!
Grandpa: Maggie! Maggie! Dear, is something bothering you?
Maggie: Stop! Stop it!
Jason: Maggie, Come on! Now, under normal circumstances I would applaud you telling your
parents to hit the road. Heck, I'd do the wave! But, I think tonight, you have strayed from
your original purpose.
Maggie: You're right! Let's find her and fire her!
Jason: No!! Maggie, no! Look, come on, whatever happened to the calm, rational discussion?
Whatever happened to the little chat over dinner? What happened to dinner?
Maggie: Well I...I figured she'd never make it past the pate. Look, I don't feel so great about
what I just did. But I am worried to death about Mike. He's this sweet kid, who's nowhere near
ready for the trials and tribulations of marriage.
Jason: Hey, I know that.
Maggie: Jason, do remember how tough our first year together was? Remember the pain? We
almost didn't make it. I just love him so much, I don't wanna see him hurt.
Jason: Nor do I honey, that's...
Maggie: But you don't think he should go ahead and...
Jason: No, no, not at all. No, but I do think those two should hear what you just said to me.
Now, I think the four of us should sit down and...and talk this out together.
Maggie: You're right.
Grandpa: Alright! Now freeze!!
Jason: Oh, Ed, you're not gonna tell me to spread 'em again, are you?
Grandpa: If I have to!! But, enough of this malarkey! I think the four of you should be
together in the same room, to talk this damn blasted thing out!!
Jason: Ed, I couldn't agree with you more.
Grandpa: OK. What's the head shrinker trying to pull?
Maggie: Nothing, Daddy.
Grandma: You know, I was just thinking...
Jason: Oh.
Grandma: This is all so funny. Ha ha ha. You are reacting to Mike's fiancée, just as I reacted to
Jason.
Maggie: Ha! Did I ever call Julie a hippy sleaze ball, who wanted to be some second-rate rock
star?!! Have I ever said to Mike, "until you regain your senses, we will do the thinking for you!
Young man, it's time to nip this thing in the bud!!" Jason?
Jason: Did you ever hear that demo I cut with the new bass player?
Maggie: No, I haven't! Because I would never talk that way to my son!
Grandpa: You don't have to say another word. I mean, why should you go down there and be
treated like a child?
Mike: Yeah!
Grandpa: Why should you be subjected to that, just for defending this little tramp?
Julie: What?
Mike: Hey! Listen, that's my future wife you're talking about!!
Grandpa: Mike, just between the two of us; you don't marry girls like this.
Julie: Gals like this!!
Mike: Hey, listen Grandpa, as much as I love you, you say another word and I'm gonna have
to hit you!!
Grandpa: Come on, you can't honestly tell me, you think this marriage is a good idea!
Mike: I sure can, I think it's a great idea! And nothing and nobody is gonna stand in the way
of me marrying Julie, because I love her.
Grandpa: Well, what are you talking to me for? Go down there and tell your parents that!
Mike: I will! Let's go Julie! Hey, Grandpa, thanks.
Grandpa: For what?
Julie: Calling me a tramp.
Grandpa: My pleasure.
Jason: Yep, well, I for one am glad that we're all finally sitting down to reason together.
Maggie: And I want to apologize for being over-emotional earlier. It's just out of my love for
Mike.
Julie: I can relate to that.
Maggie: Right.
Jason: Yes, well, just to make sure that this thing starts off right, I wanna say that, we accept
the fact that you two are gonna get married.
Maggie and Julie: What?
Julie: Wow.
Mike: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. I bet there's a catch.
Jason: Relax. There's a catch.
Mike: I knew it.
Jason: Well, look the whole issue here Mike, is really one of timing. I mean why do you wanna
get married in three months? Why not wait a year? Why do you wanna jump into this thing?
Mike: See, there you go again Dad, just jump into this thing. I am not jumping, OK? Do you
see anyone in this room who is jumping? We're all sitting!
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Look, I am not gonna sit here and be accused of jumping when I am clearly sitting!!
Jason: Alright, let me rephrase the question; is this the right time for you to be planning a
wedding?
Maggie: Planning? They haven't planned didley!!
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: Well, I'm not gonna sit here silently, when I know they haven't planned didley!!
Mike: You're not sitting, you're standing!
Jason: Oh, come on, both of you!! Now remember a little while ago, I said I wanted to take
the next logical step to this thing?
Maggie: And?
Jason: And, there is no next logical step to this thing!
Maggie: Thank you Doctor. Here's one hundred Dollars.
Jason: Maggie, what I mean is, we've got to start from scratch! They're not kids anymore,
they're adults.
Maggie: Yes, Jason! Now, but I think they're wrong and I know you do too. And if you won't
say it, then I will.
Jason: I'll say it. You should wait.
Mike: I don't care what you say. Julie and I are getting married, no matter what!!
Maggie: And, I say, until you regain your senses we will do the thinking for you! Young man,
it's time to nip this thing in the bud!
Mike: Nip this thing in the bud?
Maggie: Oh, my God! It's true, you do turn into your mother. Nip it in the bud; Jason, when
was the last time you heard that?
Jason: I don't know...five minutes ago in the kitchen.
Maggie: No! No, twenty years ago in my parent's kitchen. I...I can't do this; I can't do to them,
what was done to us. Mike, I am not going to stand in your way.
Julie: You're not?
Maggie: No.
Mike: Well, what's the catch this time?
Maggie: There's no catch.
Mike: So, you're saying you approve of this marriage.
Maggie: Not in three months I don't. But, you will never hear another bad word about it from
me.
Mike: Dad?
Jason: I'm with your mother.
Mike: But it's a start.
Maggie: Julie, welcome to the family.