Maggie: Oh Jason, don't you have a tissue? For me.
Mike: I thought you guys said that Julie and I were rushing into this.
Julie: Where'd you get an idea like that?
Priest: Dearly beloved...
Mike: I do.
Priest: ...we are gathered together today, to witness the marriage of Julie Lin Costello and
Michael Aaron Seaver.
Boner: Yeah!!!
Priest: Marriage is an honourable state, and as such, should not be entered into lightly, so, if
anyone has just cause why this couple should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your
peace.
Congregation: I do!! I do!!
Priest: Tough room. I'm sure these God fearing people would dummy up if you'd give them
one good reason why you two are getting married.
Congregation: (shouting in protest to the wedding)
Julie: Well yeah, I'm curious too.
Mike: Ah...well...err...
Julie: Mike!
Mike: Err...err... (Mike wakes up from his dream) I love you! I love you!
Carol: Ha! You disgust me!
Carol: This is the thanks I get for addressing two hundred stinking wedding invitations.
Mike: Look Carol, I said I was sorry, alright?
Carol: Ha!
Mike: Carol, I mean, what guy in their right mind would want to grab you, anyway? Hey Wait!
Carol! I'm sorry, alright? I'm just kind o' spaced out here; I didn't get much sleep last night. I
don't know why, I had this wild dream about me and Julie.
Carol: Mike, please, I just lived that disgusting dream; I don't need to hear about it.
Mike: Wait a minute, Carol. These invitations are all wrong.
Carol: That's what Mom and Dad have been saying for months.
Mike: Oh, no, no, no. Look, right here- "as Julie and Mike celebrate the beginning of their life
together." It should be- "lives together." Hey, I mean, I got that wrong on an English paper.
Carol: Mike, I applaud your flash of literacy, but you're missing the point. You and Julie are
starting "a" life together...one life, get it?
Mike: Yeah, so which one of us is losing our life?
Maggie: Wow, you got all the invitations done.
Mike: Mom, look, I am not in the mood to hear, one more time, all of your sensible reasons
why Julie and I should wait.
Maggie: So, you admit, they're sensible reasons?
Mike: Mom, you're missing the key idea here.
Maggie: Mike, I'm sorry, you're right. Like I promised last week, and several times before that,
no more negativity. From this day forward, I'll embrace your marriage with gusto.
Mike: Mom, you make it sound like a beer commercial.
Maggie: I just want to make this the best gang wedding you'll ever have.
Mike: Mom, it's the only "gang" wedding I'll ever have.
Maggie: Honey, would you like me to lick your envelopes for you?
Mike: Mom, look, you don't have to pretend that much.
Maggie: Yes I do.
Mike: Mom, it's...it's not like we haven't thought about this.
Maggie: Honey, you don't have to go through all that again; I know how you feel, because
twenty years ago, I was you. Your dad was Julie, my mom was me, Grandpa Ed was... Gosh,
I'm starting to sound like my mother.
Mike: No, Mom, Mom, keep going. You were real near making a point...weren't ya?
Maggie: Yes. Mike, you're not getting married to please us; you're getting married because
this is something you want to do, and you know all the reasons why.
Mike: I do.
Maggie: But if you have any doubts, don't be too...
Mike: I have none! I have none! I'm very confident and extremely happy!
Maggie: And I'm bubbling for you. Mike, honey, don't forget your stinking invitations.
"Stinking" was wrong.
Mike: Hey Dad, you know sometimes Mom makes me nuts.
Jason: Hey, I never said this, OK? Tell me about it.
Mike: Yeah, I mean, when is she finally gonna understand that I am a capable, mature adult,
ready to stand on my own two feet. Can I borrow fifty Bucks?
Jason: For what?
Mike: Well, for stamps, for the invitations.
Jason: Alright, for old time's sake.
Mike: Thanks.
Jason: Mike, I know what's upsetting your Mom.
Mike: Dad, look, I did not ask her for a Dime.
Jason: No, but what day is this?
Mike: Saturday.
Jason: And what's under your arm?
Mike: Hair.
Jason: Mike, it's the wedding invitations! You're mailing them out today!!
Mike: Right!
Jason: For your mother that represents the point of no return.
Mike: Oh, well I never thought of it that way.
Jason: No, no of course you didn't Mike. That's because you've been sure about this thing all
along. For your mom, Mike, well...let's just say it's gonna take her some time. As for me Mike,
I'm with you, OK? And that's because twenty years ago, I was you. And your Mom was Julie,
and her mom was your mom, and my father was... I'm starting to sound like my
mother-in-law.
Mike: Hey Dad, look, can I ask you something?
Jason: Mmm.
Mike: Well, OK, it's about the wedding... Well see...errm...Julie and I have to...to write up our
wedding vows, you know and...and...we have to put into words, all the reasons why we're
getting married, and there’s just so many of the darn things that...that I'd like your help in
narrowing them down. I mean, Dad, let's face it, you are a dynamite narrow-downer.
Jason: Well thank you. OK. Well let's go over the reasons.
Mike: Oh, right, well I love her. And...and...and....err all the same reasons why you married
Mom.
Jason: Oh, Mike, Mike, I...I just couldn't imagine spending another day without her. I mean
from the moment that I proposed, right up until this instant Mike, I've never had any doubt
that your mother was the only one for me.
Mike: Never a doubt? Not one? This is Mom we're talking about.
Jason: Ah, come on! I had cold feet, just like you're having now, and don't you deny it. But
that's...err...not the same as doubt, Mike, that's normal...it's required.
Mike: Really?
Jason: Mmm.
Mike: Well then, what did you do to get over the cold feet?
Jason: Oh, it's a little different for everybody. I think for me it was a song- "Is it in her face?
Oh, no, that's just her charm. In her warm embrace? No, no, that's just her arm. If you wanna
know, if she loves you so, it's in her kiss, that's where it is. Shoop shoop."
Mike: And that's what got you through?
Jason: Hey, I got the record upstairs.
Mike: No, Dad, it's OK, I'll listen to it later, Ok! I got lots of wedding stuff to do, and I'm late
now and...heck Dad, just listening to that song my cold feet are warming right up.
Jason: Shoop shoop.
Julie: Mike, I didn't expect you... Gee, what was that for?
Mike: I just want you to know, that I cannot imagine spending another day of my life without
you.
Julie: Oh.
Mike: And I mean that I am as sure of that as I was, the day that I proposed to you.
Julie: Well, I don't know what to say.
Mike: You don't have to say anything. Let's just sit down right here, and just be happy about
the fact that we are getting married...ahh. Got to go!
Julie: What do you mean, you gotta go? Why'd you come over?
Mike: Oh, oh, right, the invitations! I wanted you to look at the invitations before I send 'em
out. See! Gotta go!
Julie: Mike!
Mike: Lots to do, Julie. Look, I have to get my tuxedo, and I'm meeting you and the minister
at one o' clock. Plus, I gotta get stamps, and lick 'em all by myself.
Julie: You are so sweet, and so dependable, and so sexy, and so mature.
Mike: Alright, Carol addressed 'em, I didn't.
Julie: Before you go, one last kiss?
Mike: I'll see you. Julie, I am scared out of my mind, I mean, I don't know if this is just cold
feet, or what? I am not sure about...anything. Real mature, Mike. Real mature.
Mike: Hey, look, I don't like this one either.
Tailor: You've tried on forty, son. What's wrong with this one?
Mike: I don't know...it's the lapels.
Tailor: No problem. How's the crotch?
Mike: Fine, fine.
Tailor: In the long run, son, it'd be cheaper if you'd buy the tuxedo and rent the wife!!
Mike: Sir, are you married?
Tailor: Na. For the past fifty six years, I've been waiting for the right gal to walk through that
door.
Mike: But, isn't this a men's store?
Tailor: My God, I've wasted my life! No, to tell you the truth, I am married...to the same
woman for forty five years.
Mike: And...and why did you two get married?
Tailor: Sex!
Mike: Well...well what happens when the sex goes away?
Tailor: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Mike: Ah, excuse me, do you mind if I change this song?
Tailor: What have you got against the shoop shoop song?
Mike: It's a very long story.
Tailor: Let me show you some cummerbunds.
Radio: All phone lines are open, sports fans, 'cause it's time for, "Ask the Coach"; the man
who knows all the men, with all the answers.
Mike: Ask the Coach?
Radio: That's right! Ask the Coach.
Coach: Whoever the hell is calling me on my one and only stinking day to sleep late? Better
have a pretty good, dandy reason!! Hello.
Operator: Collect call from your favourite former student. Oh, sure, sure, put him on!
Mike: Yo! Coach!
Coach: Robby Countryman, so how are you doing?
Mike: Oh, no, coach, it's not Robby, it's...it's Mike.
Coach: Mike who?
Mike: Mike Seaver.
Coach: My favourite former student?
Mike: Remember back in high school, you said that if I ever had a problem, I could talk to
you?
Coach: No. But go ahead anyway. But make it fast, this is my Nickel.
Mike: OK, alright, well see...I...I...I'm engaged now and my fiancée is the greatest. But it's
just that, I still don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing.
Coach: I said, fast.
Mike: Why do people get married?
Coach: Why? well, what the hell else are they gonna do?
Mike: What do you mean?
Coach: Look, Seaver, you're a man. I'm assuming your fiancée is a woman. You meet, you get
married, for you, for me, for everybody.
Mike: Oh well coach, I don't understand.
Coach: Well that's because we're talking about the mystery of love here.
Mike: Well, what's that?
Coach: If I knew, it wouldn't be a mystery, lug nut!
Mike: Oh, so you don't understand it either?
Coach: I don't have to understand it, I'm living it. Look, Seaver, isn't there somebody else you
could talk to about this...in your own area code?
Mike: Yeah, I guess.
Coach: I'm gonna go back to bed. And if you ever, ever, ever call me about something like this
again...I'll be here.
Mike: Thanks coach.
Coach: Just don't make it collect.
Mike: Alright. See ya. They'll know.
Grandpa: Mike!
Grandma: Hi Mikey!!
Mike: Hi Grandma!
Grandma: So glad to see you!
Grandpa: Your father isn't with you, is he?
Mike: No.
Grandpa: Good to see you.
Mike: Thanks. Yeah, I thought that...err...the heckers!! As long as I was in your lobby I might
as well come up and say hi.
Grandma: Well, you can surprise me, anytime.
Grandpa: Oh, that's what your grandmother tells me too.
Grandma: Oh Bobby!
Mike: Yeah, I...errm...just wanted to see how you two love birds were doing.
Grandma: Well, we were just going to have our...errm...fibre. Care to join us?
Mike: Ah...sure, sure, heck, give me a scoop.
Grandma: What's the matter?
Mike: Nothing. Nothing, Grandma. Nothing's the matter. Julie's...err...got her gown, and I've
almost got my tuxedo, and...err...we're meeting the minister today at the church...
Grandma: Michael!
Grandpa: Are you...err...having second thoughts, Mike?
Mike: No! Now look, are we gonna talk about this or are we gonna have some fibre? Alright, if
I tell you guys something, can you keep it a secret?
Grandpa: You can trust me. I've never told anybody about your grandmother's tattoo.
Grandma: Oh Wally!
Grandpa: Yes, but I didn't tell him where it is.
Grandma: Ignore him honey!
Mike: OK. What was the reason that you two got married?
Grandma: Oh, when you love somebody and you know it, what else do you need?
Mike: Yeah, but how can you know that?
Grandma: How can you not?
(in Mike's head)
Coach: You meet, you get married, that's how it works.
Carol: You and Julie are starting "a" life together...one life.
Maggie: You're getting married because this is what you wanna do, and you know all the
reasons why.
Jason: Is it in her face? No, no, that's just her charm. In her warm embrace? No, no, no, that's
just her arm. If you wanna know, if she loves you so, it's in her kiss, that's where it is. Shoop
shoop.
Bar Tender: The oldest man ever to play in the Major Leagues?
Customer 1: Minnie Mannose.
Bar Tender: Wrong.
Customer 2: Sergio Page.
Customer 1: I got one for you Nick; the last man in the National League, to win the Triple
Crown?
Customer 2: Joe Dockey Medwick, St. Louis, Nineteen hundred and thirty seven.
Customer 1: Hey, you're good pal!
Customer 2: Ask me anything.
Mike: Why do people get married?
Bar Tender: Look son, we're talking sports.
Customer 2: Hey, marriage can be a sport.
Customer 1: Yeah! A contact sport!
Mike: Well, no, no, I'm serious! I mean, I've asked basically everyone that I know, and all I
can come up with is, that I know as much as anybody else.
Customer 2: Then kid, you know it all.
Bar Tender: How can he know it all? He's only a kid.
Customer 1: What do you know, kid?
Mike: Well, I know that Julie loves me.
Customer 1: Well, that's a start. I mean, if it's Julie you're gonna marry.
Bar Tender: Wait, wait, wait, wait! If this girl wants to marry him, that...that makes the
marriage right?
Mike: Well, she's usually right.
Bar Tender: Are you sure?
Mike: Look, I can't ever remember her being wrong. I mean, Julie is smarter than me. And
she knows more than me, and she is definitely more mature than me.
Customer 2: A man needs a mature woman.
Mike: If Julie doesn't have any doubts, then...what am I worried about? I am going to marry
Julie.
Bar Tender: Are you sure?
Mike: I have never been more sure about anything in my entire life. Look, I can't thank you
guys enough for helping me put all this together. Thanks. I am going to meet my future wife.
Mike: Here comes the groom, riding the...
Woman: Can I help you?
Mike: Ah, yes, I'm sorry. My name's Michael Seaver, and my fiancée and I are meeting the
minister here at one o' clock.
Woman: Mr. Seaver, yes. Well, this was left for you.
Mike: Oh, well thank you.
(Mike reads the letter in his head, from Julie.)
Julie: Dear Mike, by the time you read this, I'll be on a plane. I have never written a letter like
this before, so I don't know how to start. I've been thinking about you and me and marriage,
and, well I know you think that all the time I've been the mature and the sure one. But I have
to say, that when it comes to us, you've been the mature one.
Mike: I've been the mature one?
(He continues reading from the letter)
Julie: Don't deny it. I just want to know, how you can know so much. Mike, I've got so many
questions, and I've got so many doubts. And maybe I'm crazy, or just scared out of my mind.
I just don't know, maybe it's just cold feet. But all I know right now, is that I can't go through
with this. And I wanted to tell you all this this morning when you came by, but how could I? I
mean you looked so determined with all those invitations under your arm. Well, by the time I
got up my courage, I ran out to the hall way and you were already gone. And look, I know my
confusion must be hard for you to understand.
Mike: It's not that hard.
Julie's letter: Mike, I'm sorry. I wished I could be more like you...but I'm not. So, take care of
yourself. Love Julie.
(In Mike's memory)
Julie: Before you go, one last kiss?
Mike: See ya.
Julie: Bye.
Mike: Julie, I'm scared out of my mind, I don't know if this is just cold feet, or what? I am not
sure about...anything.
Mike: Well, I'd say I got a bargain.
Boner: And I'd say, you've lost your mind.
Mike: It says, a man lives here.
Boner: Mike, well if it says anything, shoot it.
Mike: Alright, well here, hold my moose. Alright, got it?
Boner: Yep. Yo, Mikey, are you alive, or what?
Mike: Alive and kicking.