Jason: Make breakfast, make coffee, wake up! Better wake up first. Oh. I made breakfast? Did
I make coffee? I did. Wonder what else I've done this morning?
Mike: Hey! Good morning, Dad.
Jason: Hey, Mike, you're up.
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: I've over-slept, it must be noon.
Mike: Oh no, Dad, it's only six thirty.
Jason: Oh, well that's terrific, Mike; your very first day of the new semester, and you decide to
stay out all night. That's very smart.
Mike: Dad, I did not stay out all night!
Jason: Well, I call Six thirty am, staying out all night!
Mike: Dad, I did not just get in. Look...look...I...I woke up early and I made breakfast.
Jason: Who's the girl, Mike?
Mike: Dad, do you see a girl in here?
Jason: No! I'm talking about the girl in your apartment, that you got up early to make
breakfast for.
Mike: Dad, I got up early because I'm excited about my first day of class.
Jason: Oh? Aha! So, any class in particular.
Mike: Yeah, Dad! Look, Introduction to Acting. I mean, Dad this class is not just a bunch of
books and papers and other pointless, useless garbage that Carol lives for. I mean, all that we
do is act.
Maggie: Jason, who are you "aha-ing" to at this time in the morning?
Jason: Well, Mike got up early, he made breakfast, and he's excited about a class.
Maggie: Where is she?
Mike: Mom, come on!
Maggie: Aha! So, what about this acting class?
Carol: Aha!
Mike: What is it with you people? You act like I have never cared about school in my life!
Maggie: Aha.
Mike: Mom, I have been excited about school, dozens of times.
Carol: Name one!
Jason: Carol, this doesn't concern you. Name one!
Mike: Alright, Nude Photography. Now I was up early for that one, and that class didn't start
till noon.
Jason: That's it, he's taking a nude acting class!
Ben: Mike's in a nude acting class?
Mike: Yeah, yeah Benny, I'm in a nude acting class! And I've got a girl hidden up in my room,
plus a spare one stashed under the counter, and I've made breakfast; they're all yours, take
your pick!
Mike: I'm early. I'm very early. Heck, why not? I can do this. And now accepting the best actor
award for Mike Seaver is...Mike Seaver!! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Oh, hi, ah, I was
just...err...testing out the acoustics here...Mike, Mike. Sounds good to me. Mike Seaver.
Tony: Tony Dissipio.
Mike: So, you ready for this class?
Tony: Oh, I sure am. I'll tell you the truth- I've never been early for a class in my whole life,
except that nude photography course last year.
Mike: We...I don't remember you in Nude Photography 1.
Tony: I was in two. Hey, listen, wait, before I get to like you- your not one of these big deal
actors, with a list of credits from here to Broadway, just slumming in this class?
Mike: Oh, no...no, no, I'm...err...I've only done a couple of things...err...off Broadway.
Tony: Off Broadway? All I got is a couple of seasons of summer stock.
Mike: Wow, now there's some summer stock. So, I guess you two know each other. Hi, my
name is Mike Seaver.
Kay: Kay McDonnell. Nice to meet you, Mike.
Mike: The pleasure's all mine. OK, it's mostly Tony's. So...err...what do you guys hear about
this teacher?
Kay: Well, I understand that Professor Thorn is a master of the Strasbourg method.
Mike: Oh hey, that's good to know. I mean, if any one of us chokes on our gum, we got it
covered.
Professor: Now, why did you believe that your about to be scalded? You!
Mike: Oh, because...err... Well, 'cause I've had teachers do that to me.
Professor: And you!
Tony: Because you were acting.
Professor: Precisely. Good morning everyone! My name is Professor Peter Thorn, and welcome
to Drama 102. You've just had your first lesson, in how to make an entrance. Come on, you're
laughing at my jokes already, very good!
Mike: Tony, didn't you hear, there's no papers, tests, or anything.
Tony: Oh! Just in case I wanna look something up later.
Professor: So, is acting merely the ability to memorize lines and not bump into the furniture?
Oh, by the way, you should all know who said that.
Class: Spencer Tracy.
Professor: Very good!...
Mike: Can I borrow a piece of paper? And a pen.
Professor: So, what exactly is acting? Is it something you see on a stage? Maybe. Something
you see in the cinema? Sometimes. Something you see on television? Doubtful. And so
throughout this err... Throughout this semester we will be drawing up standards from the
masters. Masters you're all familiar with- O’Neill, Ionescaux, early Pinter, middle Strindberg,
late Ibsen...
Mike: Could I borrow another piece of paper? I write kind of big. Who was that last master
guy's name?
Student: Ibsen.
Mike: Who?
Professor: Ibsen. I B S E N. Now, you do know who is, don't you?
Mike: Oh sure...err sure...err... He was the old guy in Beverly Hill Billie’s, Buddy Ibsen!
Professor: I see. And what is your name young man?
Mike: Ahh...Mike Seaver.
Professor: Mr. Seaver, you either, A- have a lot to learn, B- don't know when to make a joke,
or C- A and B.
Mike: Is there a D?
Professor: We'll have to wait until the grades are due, won't we Mr. Seaver?
Ben: Hey Mike, you wanna shoot some hoops?
Mike: No thanks Benny. I've got a long night of reading ahead of me, alright?
Ben: Mike, Mom and Dad aren't around. Don't pull this stuff with me.
Mike: Benny listen, is Carol up in her room?
Ben: Yes, she's crying about a new zit.
Mike: Oh, well listen, I've got to see her.
Ben: On purpose?
Mike: Yeah, I need to use her dictionary.
Ben: The fifty pound one! The bug killer!
Mike: Yes. Yeah Benny, that's the one.
Ben: The roaches are back, huh?
Mike: Benny look, I have to look up a few words...err... Hey nothing gets by you, Benny. You
know, if you go upstairs and you ask Carol for that dictionary, I'll let you squish the ones in
the pizza box.
Ben: Deal! Carol!
Maggie: Hi, honey!
Jason: Hey!
Maggie: What are you surprising me with tonight?
Jason: Well, I thought maybe after the kids went to sleep...maybe we could...err...Sloppy
Joes!!!! Hey Mike! How's that acting class you were all excited about?
Mike: Oh, err, it's great, Dad, just great.
Maggie: What are those?
Mike: They're books, Mom.
Jason: Yeah, school having a paper drive?
Mike: No Dad, this is some stuff that I wanna read tonight.
Jason: Oh, that's good, you're acting now, right?
Mike: Look, Dad, is it that unbelievable that I wanna take home a few thousand pages to read
for my own amusement?
Jason: Well, I'm sorry Mike, I didn't know you were so serious.
Mike: Well, I am, Dad. You know? I mean look, I may not be as...as well-read as Carol, I may
not be as academically inclined as Carol, I may not be as smart as Carol...
Carol: May not be?
Maggie: Carol, this is not the time to make fun of your brother.
Carol: Ah, I take 'em where I can get 'em. Here, and clean off the roach guts when you're
finished.
Mike: Carol, I am not killing bugs, alright? I'm looking up words...big ones!! Big, humungous
words! Giant words no-one's even heard of; as hard as that is to comprehend.
Maggie: Well, I have never seen Mike like that. Whatever's wrong, I can fix it.
Jason: No, honey, wait! He's nineteen years old. Come on, you've got to give him a chance to
try and work out whatever's bothering him on his own. Got to have a little faith in him.
Maggie: Jason, this is Mike we're talking about.
Jason: I said a little faith.
Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition oppo...
Mike: Sorry I'm late.
Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition opportunities to share with
each other this morning.
Kay: The East Village Rep. is holding trials for Oedipus next week.
Professor: Oh! Wonderful challenge for the young actor. And if any of you boys should be lucky
enough to get cast in Oedipus, don't forget to invite your mother.
Tony: I heard they're holding auditions for After the Fall, this weekend at the Soho Theatre, in
the alley.
Professor: Ah. It's a wonderful play; Arthur Miller's best, don't you agree Mr. Seaver?
Mike: Err...well actually...errm...I prefer, Death of a Salesman.
Professor: Yes, so do I.
Mike: Because that's the one I read, last night.
Professor: So, any more auditions? Mr. Seaver.
Mike: Yeah, I read that they're having auditions tomorrow for McGregor’s Fish and Chips.
Professor: McGregor’s Fish and Chips? Is that the new Marmot play?
Mike: Oh no, no sir, that's his...err...the old restaurant. You know their slogan, "our fish don't
stink!"
Professor: Somehow that one got by me.
Mike: Oh yeah, well it says right here...err... Play, Swimmy, the happy fish; twelve
commercials, personal appearances, big money.
Professor: A television commercial. What will you have for us tomorrow Mr. Seaver, something
for a sit-com?
Mike: But, don't you have to start somewhere?
Professor: Somewhere Mr. Seaver, not nowhere.
Student: Hey look, when you go, say hi to Buddy Ipsom for me.
Professor: Alright, alright! Enough frivolity ladies and gentlemen. Let's loosen up with another
exercise, hmm? Move the desk for me please, and I shall want you all in two teams. Mr.
Seaver, you shouldn't be here.
Mike: Oh, but sir...I'm...this... I'm sorry, but this is what I've always wanted to do.
Professor: No, no, no, I mean, I'm going to demonstrate the exercise from here. You'll have to
move.
Mike: Oh...oh right!
Maggie: He didn't show up for dinner, dessert, or even a snack. That's it, it's been twenty
seven hours, I've been a good sport, but now it's time to find out what's bothering my little
boy.
Jason: Maggie! Honey...
Maggie: And don't say anything logical or correct that I'll know is right in my heart of hearts!
Jason: Honey, I was just gonna say...
Maggie: Jason, sometimes you amaze me. Our little boy's in agony, and you're about to stuff
your face.
Where are you going?
Jason: I'm taking Mike a snack.
Maggie: But, you said it was a bad idea to go up there!
Jason: Yes I know. I'm inconsistent, Maggie. It's part of the wackiness that makes me so
damned interesting.
Mike: (reading from a play) "When he himself might his quietest make with a bare bodkin.
Who would fardols bare..." Hey, there's only one word in this sentence I don't have to look up.
Come in!
Maggie: We brought you something to eat.
Mike: Oh. Ah...thanks. Just put it down, I'll get to it later.
Maggie: What do we do now?
Jason: Maggie, I've got us this far, didn't I? So, Mike, you're studying, I see.
Mike: Yep.
Maggie: Ahh. "When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin. Who would fadols
bare, to grunt and sweat under a weary light."
Mike: Hey, am I the only guy in this planet who does not get this Hamlet junk? You know, if
you ask me, this does not speak very well of the education I got at Dewey High School!
Jason: Well, maybe you just weren't paying attention the day they covered that.
Mike: Well maybe if it was so important they'd cover it for two days. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get back to some more of this reading, that I probably won't understand.
Maggie: Mike, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I don't have a clue what a fardol is.
Mike: Well the kids in my class, do understand this stuff. You know, and some of 'em have
even done plays by Chekhov. I mean, until two days ago, I thought Chekhov was the Russian
guy off Star trek!
Maggie: You can't know every play that's ever been written!
Mike: Tell me about it, Mom! I've been up till three am, reading these stupid things, and I
made a bigger fool out of myself in class today, than I did yesterday. If I keep reading this
stuff, they're gonna lynch me!
Maggie: Well Mike, what if you only thought you were making a fool of yourself, and you really
weren't. A lot of times, your father thinks he's made a total fool out of himself and err... What
else happened in class?
Mike: Alright, Ok, today...like I brought in this audition for... this audition notice for a
television commercial...a real job! McGregor’s Fish and Chips.
Maggie: Oh, I know their commercials, "If it smells bad, you're in the wrong place!" Or
something like that...
Mike: Dad, now you see how you and I are staring at Mom, like she's out of her mind; well
that is how the whole class stared at me today!!
Jason: Well...
Mike: You know I...I just don't get it! I don't get it! You know, I feel like I don't fit in. And I
have always been able to fit in with everybody! And at Dewey, even though Principal Dewitt
would...would punish me for four years every single day, I know that deep down, the man
liked me!
Jason: He loathed you.
Maggie: He did.
Mike: Well, it's just that the kids in my class know more, and have done more than I ever will.
you know, I think I'm just kidding myself about this whole acting thing.
Jason: So, what are you gonna do about it?
Mike: I don't know. I'm supposed to ask you that.
Jason: Well, we can't answer that, Mike.
Maggie: Well, speak for yourself, Jason.
Jason: No, honey, he's not a little boy. He's got to make his own decisions. I think, Mike, that
this is your dream and only you can decide if the pain is worth it.
Mike: So, is it worth it?
Maggie: Mike, you're gonna have to figure this out on your own. Well, I can be wacky, too.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
Mike: Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, I was looking up, "bodkin".
(Mike looking back at some acting he did before)
Mike: "If I do improve and make a big change, would you be...I mean, could you be...
Student: "I am now. I always have been."
Mike: "So, I guess this is a pretty important talk we've been having."
Student: "Yes...yes"
Mike: Yeah.
Mike: OK. This isn't Oedipus, this isn't Hamlet, it's not even death of a Salesman, but it's a
start, it's not nowhere, it is somewhere, and I am not too good to make my start right
here...today...now!
Auditioner: Fish or chip?
Mike: What?
Auditioner: What are you auditioning for, fish or chip?
Mike: Oh, well...err... Are chips making personal appearances?
Auditioner: Who'd come out to see a chip, huh? They wanna see Swimmy, the happy fish.
Mike: Oh, oh, alright, well Swimmy it is.
Auditioner: Excellent choice. Have a seat. Break a fin.
Mike: Ah, is this seat taken?
Man: Sit! Sit! So, my friend auditioned for this a little earlier and told me all about it. They
make you wear fins and gills and lie on your stomach and grin like crazy, with a hook in your
mouth, while all the chips sing, "our fish don't stink!"
Mike: Ah, well...err... hey, whatever they make me do is fine, 'cause after the way I've been
humiliated this week, it doesn't matter.
Man: Wow, so you're married. Wow, look at the gills on that one!
Mike: Hey, wait a minute, I know them. What the heck are they doing here? I mean, they've
been in plays and summer stock, and they laughed at me when I told 'em about this audition.
I mean they're no better than I am. Hey, have I been a chump!
Auditioner: Come on people! The part of Swimmy has already been cast.
Actors: Hey! What!
Man: Hey, I've been eating worms for three days!
Professor: Once again gentlemen, very clever material! Just hope my swimming lives up to
your vision.
Tony: Do you believe that guy, what a phony!!
Kay: He's not what he seemed at all.
m Apparently not a lot of people are.
Tony: Mike?
Mike: Ah...why don't we just start over. My names Mike Seaver, I've done two plays in my
whole life, both of them at high school.
Tony: Tony Dissipio, and I have done summer stock. I built scenery.
Kay: Kate McDonnell, and I'm not used to this honesty stuff, it's gonna take a while. I wanna
act.
Tony: Me too.
Mike: Me too.
Man: Hey, I just called my service; New York Zoo is looking for people that look like walruses.
It's not right for me, but I figured I'd toss it your way!!
Jason: Make breakfast.
Maggie: Make coffee.
Mike: Oh, you guys, don't worry, I'm not just getting home, OK?
Jason: Don't worry, we believe you.
Maggie: Yeah. I'm just thrilled that you're excited about your class...any class.
Mike: Hey, you bet, and you know, thanks and... You guys letting me make that decision on
my own, it's really changed my life.
Maggie: Well Mike, I guess we can finally say that we trust you.
Mike: Oh, well thanks, Mom.
Girl: Mike!!! We're still waiting for the coffee.
Mike: Oh...err...just one minute.
Jason: Just one second!
Girl 2: Can I come out now?
Mike: Oh, there you are! Oh, hey, let me help you out. Here, come on out here. I'll be right up,
OK?
Maggie: Look, Mike...
Mike: Mom, Dad, listen, you know if I weren't in that stage in life where you trusted me and
wanted me to make my own decisions, I would feel the need to explain here...but I don't.
Jason: Hey, hold on!
Maggie: Do you think you can walk out of her without..
Mike: Got ya!