Jason: Mike! Mike! Mike! If you're in there, things'll go easier on you, if you come out now! But
not much! You know, I stupidly assumed that it would be impossible for you to get in trouble,
with your high school principle two years after you graduate! But, oh no! Somehow you
managed to pull it off. I know you're in her Mike. Mike, I'm gonna count to three, and if you're
not out I'm gonna...slit your water bed Mike!
Mylene: Hi, I'm looking for... Oh oh.
Jason: I'm looking for him too. And if I find him, you're not gonna want what's left.
Mylene: You're his father?
Jason: Oh yes.
Mylene: Wow! He wasn't kidding, you are nuts!
Jason: Huh? Oh. Ha ha, no. I was just gonna... I was gonna slice his water bed. No I wasn't
really...I was...err... Look, I wouldn't stick around to see Mike, if I was you.
Mylene: Who's Mike?
Jason: The guy you came to see.
Mylene: Oh, no. I'm here to see Ben, we have a date.
Jason: Ben? How old are you?
Mylene: Eighteen.
Jason: Eighteen!! Great, I got one kid who won't grow up and another who is growing up too
fast!
Ben: Since you're looking for Mike, me and Marlene will just get the heck out of your way.
Mylene: Cool.
Jason: Now, wait a second! I'm gonna get to you, right after I deal with Mike. Now where is
he?
Ben: I have no idea. Come on, let's go.
Jason: Hey, you're not going out with an eighteen year old girl; you're only th... You're just
not!
Mylene: You're only what?
Ben: Thirteen.
Mylene: Arrrgghh!!
Mike: Hey Dad, were you yelling for me? I couldn't hear you.
Jason: Mike, let me warn you! I'm ready to kill you! Now choose your next words very
carefully.
Mike: Hang on! There, go ahead.
Jason: OK, somebody better explain something to me now! Fine, there's two ways we can on
this; you can either make up some cock and bull story...I'll get the truth eventually Mike, and
you'll be severely punished!
Ben: Or?
Jason: Or, you can tell me the exact truth, as it happened, and I'll punish you severely!!
Mike: Dad, I'm not seeing the upside of going with the truth here...and yet when I think about
it for a moment, it all seems so damn clear! Ah, Ok, last week, I was up in my room, studying
as usual, and I'm not sure exactly what time it was because I was so into it...
Jason: The truth!
Mike: OK, I was sleeping...
(We go back in time)
Mike: ...and I heard the little hedgehog out on the driveway.
Louis: Dude!
Ben: Louis, keep it down!
Louis: You got the stuff, Ben?
Ben: Yeah, but, Louis, I don't know if this is right.
Louis: Dude, I got the cash, come on and help me!
Ben: Well, OK.
Louis: Dude!
Ben: That's not the way it was at all, Dad.
Louis: Benjamin.
Ben: Louis, what a pleasant surprise.
Louis: I hate to impose, but I heard that when one is having academic difficulties at Dewey
High School, you're the man to see.
Ben: Certainly. Just as soon as I've finished taking out the trash...which I always do, even
when I haven't been asked.
Louis: What a guy.
(present time)
m OK, Dad, who are you gonna believe; me or the trash man?
Ben: Hey dude.
Jason: Go ahead, Mike.
Mike: OK.
(back to the story)
Louis: So come on and help me, man!
Ben: Errm...OK.
Louis: Dude!
Mike: What the heck was Ben doing? And what the heck was Louis doing still in high school?
Ben, what the heck is going on around here?
Ben: Not now. Carol, Phone for you!!
Carol: I'll be right down.
Mike: Ben, either you tell me what's going on right now...
Ben: Alright! Now, Mike, the front stairs. But be quiet!
Mike: Ben, what the heck is...
Ben: Shh.
Carol: Fine, don't say a word... Just sit there, not making a sound, pervert! If that jerk calls
for me again, tell him I'm not home.
Mike: OK Ben, I got it. Now, you've got Carol's term papers stuffed in your pants... Now talk
to me.
Ben: Well...
Maggie: Well, "dude" to you too young man.
Louis: Dude? Dude!!
(present time)
Jason: You sold Carol's term papers with no help from Mike whatsoever!
Mike: Excuse me Dad. While you ream the lad, I'm going to floss.
Ben: Well Dad, I didn't plan to sell 'em. See, Stinky's brother, Funky, he needed help in
English...and he said it would only be this one time...and that he'd keep it quiet. So, I gave
him one. One! One! How did I know, Funky had a big mouth?
Jason: His name is Funky?
Ben: Yeah and the...and the one to Louis, well that was the first one I ever sold...and it would
have stopped there if it wasn't for Mike.
Jason: Mike!
Mike: I'm flossing. I can't talk.
Ben: Well, I can. Somebody said, I was missing a golden opportunity; somebody said I should
ride this comet.
Mike: Dad, again, who are you gonna believe? Me or Carl Sagin, here.
Jason: Go ahead, Carl.
(Ben's story, back in time)
Ben: Well, Mike suspected the real market for Carol's papers was at Dewey High. Well, they
did so well the first time...
Pupils: (screaming for papers)
Ben: OK, don't everybody, I'll be back lunch time tomorrow. And remember these are to be
used only as study guides.
Mylene: You're new here, aren't you?
Ben: Well...it is my first day here.
Mylene: That's what I figured. I know all the cute guys at Dewey.
Ben: Cute guys!! To tell you the truth I'm...
Mylene: Mylene, eight five one six Winston Avenue, both my parents work.
Ben: Ben. What kind of work do they do?
Mylene: You know, I've always been attracted by dangerous guys.
Ben: Dangerous guys?
Mylene: Well yeah, someone selling term papers right here in the hallway...you were so cool. I
figure, what are they gonna do? kick me out of this school?
Mylene: So, are you free tonight?
Ben: Ah, free, tonight, why?
Mylene: Well, I figured we could go out. There's this great movie I've already seen at the drive
in.
Ben: If you've already seen it... Oh.
Mylene: So, what time are you gonna pick me up?
Ben: Err...pick you up? I can't pick you up, I don't have licence right now.
Mylene: Why?
Ben: Err...suspended...street racing. Stuff happens.
Mylene: Oh, you're so bad. Well, I have a car. I'll pick you up at your place. What's your
address?
Ben: Well there could be a little bit of a problem there...
Principle: I just want to apologise to you two young people...
Mylene: Mr. Dewitt, we were just...
Principle: No no no no no Mylene. As the principle, it's my fault. The engraved invitations to
class were late out the printer. So we've been relying on an annoying bell to let folks know
when our sessions begin. Mikopa! Mikopa!
Mylene: I'm sorry Mr. Dewitt...
Ben: Hey, he said it was his fault!
Principle: What's your name you little insect?
Ben: Ben...
Principle: Ben what?
Ben: Ben...
Mylene: Ben's new here sir.
Principle: Oh, well then, that changes everything doesn't it. In that case, get your little buns
into that class room right now, or I'm gonna have 'em flying from the school flagpole, capisce?
Alright Leonard, freeze! And drop that vice principle...gently Mister.
Mylene: Hey, what's your address?
Ben: Fifteen Robin Hood lane, why?
Mylene: How else am I gonna pick you up? See you at seven.
Ben: Wait!
Mylene: I can't, I gotta get to class...Health.
Ben: I live above the garage, so whatever you do, don't come to the front door! My dad's a
total lunatic!
Principle: Son. Forgive me for not being clear, earlier. Get in to class or die!!!
(Back to present)
Jason: Oh Ben, Ben, didn't you know things were getting out of hand? Didn't you know you
were getting in deeper?
Ben: I sure did. And it would have ended right there, if it hadn't been for Mike. Look Dad,
whatever I did, Mike was my bad influence.
Mike: What's wrong Ben? Did I ever tell you to go out with an eighteen year old woman?
Ben: Yes!
(Back to the story in the past)
Ben: Ride the comet!! Thanks a lot, Mike!
Mike: Well, what happened, did you get caught?
Ben: No. Because of you an eighteen year old woman is forcing me to go to the drive in with
her, in her car, to do God-knows what!
Mike: And this is bad?
Ben: Are you kidding? Both of her parents work, and she takes Health.
Mike: Benny, excuse me! What are you thinking, man? Come on, get a hold of yourself! Benny,
this is what we all live for!
Ben: It's bad for me. I gotta get out of town! How far would two hundred and eighty six
Dollars get me?
Mike: All the way to here! Hey, you have got almost three hundred Dollars, and an eighteen
year old girl who is coming over here to pick you up.... Benny, I don't even have that!
Ben: And I also have an oral report due tomorrow in twelfth grade history.
Mike: Forget about the history.
Ben: But, I did so well on the pop quiz. Mike, I'm thirteen. How old were you when you went
out with your first eighteen year old?
Mike: Well, I was only...errm...sixteen. Alright, but we're talking about a real ugly girl here,
right?
Ben: Na! She's cute. She looks just like that girl from Mr. Belvedere.
Mike: You sure she doesn't look like Mr. Belvedere?
Ben: No, I'm telling you, she’s' got legs that connect and lumps and everything man!
Mike: Benny..err...then what in the heck is she doing with a thirteen year old horn bowl, like
you?
Ben: Mike, it's all gonna fall apart! She's gonna find out I'm not eighteen and cool and
dangerous! And Mom and Dad are gonna find out I've been selling Carol's term papers! Mr.
Dewitt will find out I don't go to Dewey High! And I'm dead!!
Mike: Come on, Ben! Ben, let's just deal with these things, one at a time, OK? You don't have
to worry about Dewitt, I mean, you don't even go to that school! I mean what's he got an
extradition treaty with your Junior high?
Ben: Yeah but...
Mike: And as for Mom and Dad finding out about you selling Carol's papers... Well you're
probably right, you'll be dead within the week. But, I'm telling you, you're going on a date
with an eighteen year old Bennie! It'll take hours to wipe that smile off your face!
Ben: You think so?
Mike: Oh Benny, I know so. Take it form me, go on the date! Watch! Look! Listen! Grow!
Ben: Not only did Mike talk me into the date, he even came up with a plan to get me out of
the house.
Maggie: Ben, you're not eating.
Carol: Quick, somebody call 911!
Mike: Hey guys, do you mind if I watch TV down here, I just set of a bug bomb in my
apartment?
Carol: Well, why didn't you just ask your friends to leave? Boy, I'm hot tonight!
Mike: Yeah, that was a good one Carol!
Carol: Pardon me?
Mike: It was a good joke. I mean it's good to see you starting to develop a sense of humour.
Carol: Well, gee, thanks.
Mike: Which explains that outfit you're wearing.
Mike: Nobody move! I got it! Ben, telephone for you!
Ben: Hello. Hello. There's nobody on the phone.
Mike: Well, maybe if you tell stinky to speak up, Ben.
Ben: Oh yeah. Stinky, speak up. I can hear him now. Let me ask. Stinky wants to know if it's
OK if I stay over at his house tonight.
Jason: Ben, you have homework tonight, don't you?
Ben: Yeah, but I did so well in my pop quiz today.
Maggie: Honey, he does beat the heck out of Stinky sleeping over here.
Jason: Oh, yeah, enjoy it Ben.
Ben: Right.
Maggie: Honey, you didn't tell him, yes or no.
Ben: He knows I'll be there. I'm gonna go get my stuff. They bought it.
Mike: Great.
Ben: Just one question- what if Mylene does invite me to sleep over at her house tonight?
Mike: Benny, you're not sleeping over at Mylene's house, OK? I mean, after you get back from
the drive in, you're gonna go stay up at my place!
Ben: But didn't you just set off a bug bomb up there? OK, stupid question.
Mike: OK, now look. You go up in my room, wait for your woman, and I'm gonna go, and I
know where Dad keeps the good cologne.
Ben: Alright, Mike, whatever I don't spend of the two hundred and eighty six Dollars tonight,
is yours.
Mike: Thanks.
Carol: Do you know where the TV guide is?
Mike: Yeah.
Carol: Well are you gonna tell me?
Mike: No.
(door bell)
Principle: Carol Seaver, how the heck are you?
Carol: Mr. Dewitt, what a surprise, please come in.
Principle: Forgive me for not calling, but this is something of a delicate matter, and I didn't
want to upset any one, in case I am completely out of my mind.
Carol: Well, my dad's a psychiatrist.
Principle: Well, then either way, I'm in good hands, right?
Maggie: I know, I know, but I never got the smell out of the sheets from the last time he slept
over! Mr. Dewitt, what are you doing here?
Principle: Oh, working after hours, without any over time, thanks to the wisdom of the voters
of our community, but, why get into that?
Jason: Hey, wait a minute! We don't have any kids in your school any more.
Principle: But, their legacy lives on. Ever heard this before? "Finally we have a society which I,
a woman, can be feminine yet forceful; free to run a corporation and still experience the
wonder and beauty of giving birth."
Carol: Well sure, that was part of my Valedictory address.
Principle: Aha. I knew Jimmy Droppo wasn't about to experience the wonder and beauty of
didley!
Jason: What's Jimmy Droppo got to do with this?
Principle: He delivered this speech today, as his own.
Carol: Really? How'd it go over?
Maggie: Mr. Dewitt, are you suggesting that Carol has something to do with this?
Principle: Oh, I'm not suggesting anything of the kind...
Jason: Well what exactly are you...
Principle: Well just listen. From Louis Dibble for Senior History, "The French Revolution and
Excercise in Rudeness."
Carol: I wrote that!
Principle: Precisely. Or, from Joey Biden, for Health, "Cosmetic History, Just Say Nose."
Carol: That's mine too!
Principle: And I have fifty three other examples.
Maggie: Mr. Dewitt, why would Carol...
Principle: I am just as sick about it as you are. After all, Carol was Dewey High's most
hallowed hooter. Yet, I hold the documentary evidence in my hand that someone has
prostituted her work.
Jason: Mr. Dewitt, I know my daughter, and I know she hasn't had anything to do with this!
Principle: Oh, I didn't say Carol, I said, someone.
Ben: Na, I don't want her to think I'm cheap...on the other hand. It's show time.
Mike: Hey Benny, you gotta get out of here!
Ben: Are you crazy? I'm riding this comet!
Mike: No no no, forget about the comet, alright? Now, Dewitt and Mom and Dad are
downstairs. Now it's only a matter of time before they figure this whole thing out.
Ben: But you said I had nothing to worry about!
Mike: Listen Benny! You should not have sold Carol's papers, you shouldn't have made a date
with an eighteen year old girl, you should have told Mom and Dad everything!
Ben: Why are you saying all that?
Mike: Just to get it on the record.
Jason: If you're in there, it'll go easier on you, if you come out now!
Ben: Mike, what are we gonna do?
Mike: Wait a minute, what do you mean, "we"?
Jason: Mike!
Ben: Hey, he's looking for you, not me!
Mike: OK, we!
Ben: Is there any other way out of here?
Mike: Just one!
Mylene: Hi, I'm looking for...oh oh!
Ben: It's Mylene. So, then I came out.
(present time)
Mike: And I'm glad you finally took my advice about talking to Dad.
Jason: Alright boys, this is serious. Ben, you took some things that didn't belong to you! You
sold them to people who shouldn't have had them, and you made a date with an eighteen year
old girl!
Ben: Actually, she made the date with me.
Jason: I don't care. And you skipped classes at your own school, did you even think about
that?
Ben: Well, actually I was gonna forge an excuse... I am an idiot.
Jason: And Mike, you helped him try and pull this whole thing off.
Mike: And I admitted it, like a man.
Jason: Yeah, when you had no other way to go.
Mike: There is that, yes.
Jason: Hey, Ben looks up to you as his example. You've got to share some of the responsibility
of him, with your mother and me.
Ben: Dad, you remember when we were little kids, and you used to let us pick out our own
punishment, 'cause we'd always give ourselves something worse than what you were gonna
give us?
Jason: Yeah.
Ben: Are we gonna get to do that this time?
Jason: No.
Ben: Oh, like you weren't gonna ask too!
Mike: Hey Dad, I am ready to share in that responsibility. Let me hand out the lad's
punishment.
Maggie: Mr. Dewitt, we do appreciate you bringing this to our attention.
Principle: Hey, that's my job...as distasteful as it often is.
Maggie: And it's only fair that the school get all the money Ben made.
Jason: Two hundred and eighty six dollars!
Carol: That's all he got! That's all my high school years are worth!
Principle: Carol, wise up, you went to Public school.
Jason: Mr. Dewitt, even though Ben and Mike don't attend Dewey High, I assure you they will
be punished severely.
Principle: I appreciate that. And while Mike is certainly out of my reach, I just thank God that I
had to work out that Extradition agreement with Ben's Junior High school.
Maggie: So, if you two gentlemen will excuse us, your father and I have some major...major
punishments to discuss. Oh, and Mike, sometimes the one who set the example pays a higher
price than the one who followed it.
Ben: Oh, and Mom, whatever punishment you should decide on, thanks for not freaking out
about the eighteen year old girl.
Maggie: What eighteen year old girl?
Jason: Well, you know, I was gonna tell you about her...and this wasn't one of those male
deals where I'm proud of the little horn ball for getting an eighteen year old to ask him out.
Maggie: Oh, it wasn't!
Jason: No, but I was under the gun Maggie; I only had time to discuss the important things.
Maggie: Oh, so you think our thirteen year old son, almost going out with an eighteen year old
girl isn't important??
Jason: Oh no no no no that's...th...that's important, but it's less important...it's under
important from the ....I think that err... Hey, you gotta admire the little guy's instincts.