Ben: Oh no, mount, Vesuvius is erupting! Honey you grab the kids, I'll start the chariot and...
Glug, glug, glug, this is great, I gotta get an A.
Carol: No you won't.
Ben: Are you kidding? I got this baby rigged to blow at the push of a button. I mean, lava's
gonna flow everywhere. Over Rhodes, Romans, gladiators, naked virgins.
Carol: But you won't get an A.
Ben: Why?
Carol: Because people like you don't get A's, they just mark their time at school till they can
take their rightful place in society as toll collectors.
Ben: Put your face over my volcano and say that.
Carol: Ha ha ha.
Maggie: Ben, I need that table cleared off, I'm coming back with lots of groceries for your
father's party.
Ben: But it's not till tomorrow and I haven't even had my first test firing yet.
Maggie: Get that mountain thingy out of my kitchen, now!
Ben: It's not a mountain thingy, it's a...
Carol: C plus, tops.
Maggie: Jason, we never got an RSVP from the Blankenships!
Jason: Yes we did! Rich told me at the office!
Maggie: Well you didn't tell me.
Jason: The Blankenships are coming to the reception tomorrow.
Maggie: OK, then that makes fifty four people.
Jason: And the Johnsons, too.
Maggie: How many others have you forgotten to tell me about?
Jason: None, Maggie! Well the Schneiders.
Maggie: Look, Jason, how can I plan for this thing if you keep changing the number of people
who are coming?
Jason: Relax honey, that's fifty eight and we ordered food for sixty! Wonder if it's too late to
call the caterer and cut back the order. Just a thought.
Maggie: Jason, I just want everything to be perfect, I mean we don't know these people and I
mean, they're important and rich; they're people you read about in the paper.
Jason: And they're no different from we are.
Mike: Huh, they sure are! They wanna blow five hundred Bucks a pop, just to hang out at our
place.
Jason: They're not blowing five hundred Dollars, Mike, they're donating it. And it's for the
free mental health clinic, a very worthy cause, thank you.
Mike: Hey, if they're dropping five hundred Bucks a head, they should just skip this party and
check into the clinic.
Jason: I'll get it.
Mike: Hey Mom, how come we never start cleaning a day early for a family party?
Maggie: Well, they don't have to like us, they're related to us.
Norma: Out of my way, it's heavy.
Jason: Excuse me, who are you?
Norma: No time to talk, I'm running late.
Maggie: This is our caterer, Norma.
Norma: Charmed, I'm sure. Look, where do you want your sea-food medley?
Jason: I want it on ice, Norma, the party's tomorrow.
Norma: No, it's not.
Jason: Yes it is. It's my party.
Norma: My work order says today.
Jason: Yeah, well my wallet don't start talking till tomorrow, Norma.
Norma: Fine, I'll let it rot in my refrigerator.
Jason: Maggie, where'd you get this caterer?
Maggie: Jason, they came highly recommended.
Jason: Yeah, I don't have much confidence in the food, if they can't even remember the date.
Maggie: Well, honey, it was a simple mistake, really just relax.
Jason: Yeah, well anybody who can't work with a calendar shouldn't be working with
toothpicks.
Carol: I just talked to Donald Trump?
Mike: Who's he?
Carol: I hope you get a toll booth next to Ben. Well, he called from his helicopter, he said he
was running a little bit late, but he'd be at your reception within an hour.
Jason: Donald Trump! Hey this isn't gonna be a clinic, it's gonna be a free medical centre.
Maggie: Oohh! Now Mike, aren't you glad we're shampooing the rugs and washing the
windows and doing the floors?
Mike: I'm tingling. Well who the heck is this guy?
Jason: Oh, come on Mike, he's one of the richest men in the world for crying out loud. He
owns everything in Manhattan the Japanese didn't buy. And he's gonna be at our house in one
hour!! Wow! The party's tomorrow, Carol!
Carol: Oh, but Don said it was today.
Jason: Oh, why didn't you just straighten him out?
Carol: Well he sounded so confident.
Maggie: Jason, are you absolutely sure this party's tomorrow?
Jason: Oh, Maggie, you're doubting your husband just because of something some rich
powerful multi trillion billionaire said?
Maggie: How can I put this? Yes.
Jason: I'm insulted.
Mike: You screwed up big time, huh Dad?
Jason: No, I didn't screw up, Mike, come on! The party's on the thirteenth, like we've be
saying for weeks.
Carol: Dad, today's the thirteenth!
Jason: What?
Maggie: It is, Jason.
Jason: It is not. No, today's Saturday, tomorrow's Sunday the thirteenth. It's always been on
the thirteenth. Hello, Sunday the thirteenth.
Maggie: Jason, this calendar's from nineteen eighty five. Honey, you can't re-use these things!
Jason: The party's today!
Mike: Maybe this trump dude will help us buff our floors.
Jason: We've got fifty eight people on their way over here, we got twenty three minutes to
turn this house into a party, let's go, let's go!! Look wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are
you going?
Carol: Well, I was gonna go and pick out a dress for Donald Trump.
Mike: This guy wears dresses!
Jason: Can we just please forget about Mr. Trump for a second and think about what's
important here! Come on we got twenty three, we got twenty two minutes for a party!
Maggie: You aren't even going to apologise, are you?
Jason: For what, Maggie?
Maggie: You don't know! You really don't know!
Jason: Maggie, we got fifty eight people coming here in twenty one minutes!!
Maggie: And they'll find a house unprepared for a party, and who are they gonna blame? The
respected, responsible husband or the long suffering wife?
Mike: What about the idiot daughter?
Maggie: No, the wife! They always blame the wife. I guess that my humiliation means nothing
to you!
Jason: Oh, it will mean plenty, right after the party, Maggie.
Maggie: Oh, you have no idea.
Carol: I'll get it, it might be Donny again.
Jason: Well tell him to hover. Come on, we got a lot to do here, a lot to do!! I'll make a list of
the chores.
Mike: Well, at least you had twenty good years with the man, Mom.
Carol: It wasn't Donald Trump, it was only the president of the Chase-Manhattan Bank.
Maggie: OK, kids, we got to pitch in here. I'll call the caterers and see if I can get 'em back.
Carol, you take the kitchen and the bathrooms and clean things or hide things, whatever's
quicker.
Mike: Hiding's quicker.
Maggie: Mike, you get the folding chairs out of the garage and get this room back together.
Now, let's go!! Ha!
Jason: Alright now, I've made a list of all the chores alphabetically. If we all get a... She left
me and took the kids.
Ben: So, Mom, you wanna see the practice eruption?
Maggie: No. Ben, I told you to take your mountain out of here.
Ben: It's not a mountain. It's Vesuvius, one of the biggest disasters in history.
Maggie: We'll see about that, after this party.
Ben: Mom, don't sit in that chair, it's got lava all over it.
Maggie: Ben, we're in a crisis mode here, do me a favour and for the next twenty minutes and
go out of the house and keep Chrissy with you.
Ben: But she keeps nibbling on my gladiators.
Maggie: Go!!
Ben: Come on Chrissy, come on.
Maggie: Yes, we're the Seavers and we ordered the appetizers for today, and we sent Norma
away because we told her, I mean my husband told her that it was the wrong day, but it was
really the right day and if I don't get those hors d'oeuvres back in the next twenty minutes I'm
gonna kill him. OK, what language do you sei habla? Carol! How do you say hors d'oeuvres in
Spanish?
Carol: Believe it or not, I actually know that. It's funny that because it's rather obscure...
Maggie: What the hell is it!!???
Carol: Vo Tana.
Maggie: Vo Tana. Pronto. Today, not tomorrow, fifteen Robin Hood Lane, please tell me you
understand. Hello. Hello. Hello!!
Jason: Honey, I can't do this all by myself.
Maggie: I just had a conversation in Spanish.
Jason: You don't speak Spanish.
Maggie: Oh, a little, but not enough to convey to the caterer's that my husband was a
block-head when he sent the food away.
Jason: Oh, honey, I'm sorry about that whole date thing.
Maggie: Oh, big man.
Jason: Oh, come on honey, we got plenty of food.
Maggie: No we don't, I didn’t' get the chance to go shopping yet.
Jason: Hey, how about these dumb microwaveable meatballs, the one's even Ben won't eat.
Come on, and we got veggies Sweetheart, you can make one of those stupid dips!
Maggie: Stupid dips!
Jason: Tasty.
Maggie: Jason, we have sixty rich people and Donald Trump on their way to a filthy house and
now we're gonna starve them?
Jason: Starve! Honey, with happy tasty meat treats! Delicious, can't even spoil!
Maggie: I won't serve them.
Jason: Well, I will. And a semi eaten breakfast sausage, we'll file it down, nobody'll know the
difference.
Maggie: Oh great Jason, we'll just serve them these and refuse to call the ambulance until
they've signed the cheques.
Jason: We've got seventeen minutes, what do you want to do?
Maggie: Leave the country!
Jason: Maggie, come on, put a little perspective on this. Yes, OK, we've got sixteen minutes
and yes yes we have no food and yes the house is in a shambles, but honey, we can make this
work! Yes, come on, if this happened on Perfect Strangers, would Bulky lose it? Don't be
ridiculous.
Maggie: I hate that show!
Jason: You love Lucy. Lucy, remember Lucy and Ethel and they were in the candy factory and
they had that little conveyor belt and the thing was going along like this, and they were...
Maggie: Alright!! Alright, I will cook your lousy meatballs, but I wont' touch your sausage.
Jason: Hey, Mike, let me help you with that.
Mike: I got it!!
Maggie: Jason, my lamp!
Jason: No, it's alright, I'm fine.
Mike: Dad, are you OK?
Jason: Did your mother pay you to do that?
Mike: No. Do you think she would?
Carol: Ben, you are supposed to be watching Chrissy.
Ben: And you're supposed to be feminine.
Carol: Oh, Carol, that' gross. I was cleaning your bathroom, Ben.
Ben: Oh, OK.
Ben: OK Chrissy, wanna see some Romans bite it? And this is what's gonna happen to you if
you give me any trouble. Well, just keep watching and don't try this at home. Oh, I know what
I have to do, I have to hold the button down longer. Oh, I got no luck at all today.
Maggie: Ben, what are you doing out here with that mountain?
Ben: Well you told me to bring it out here.
Maggie: Well, you can't be in the driveway with it, when Donald Trump climbs out of his
helicopter, what's he gonna think?
Ben: Who's Donald Trump?
Maggie: The man who got the date right for this party.
Ben: Mom, what are you doing?
Maggie: Filling out the appetizer tray.
Ben: Huh?
Maggie: There's some day old bread in here somewhere. I wanna make croutons for my stupid
dip.
Ben: You know, Chrissy, I have feeling that there's something going on around here besides
my volcano. Yeah.
Jason: OK, alright, we're looking pretty darn good, Mike.
Mike: Dad, I'm telling you, you're messing up bad by setting up all these chairs. Now if these
people are dumb enough to pay five hundred Dollars just to get inside the door, think what
they'd pay to sit down!
Jason: Mike, come on, that's...interesting. Ooh, less than thirteen minutes.
Mike: Come on, what do we do? What do we do?
Jason: We gonna help your mother lay out all the foo.... Wow, look at this it's gonna be great
Mike, we're gonna pull this thing off.
Maggie: I have just been routing through garbage cans for food. This is what my marriage to
you has led to.
Jason: Oh, honey, come on.
Maggie: Oh, I can't do it! Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't serve garbage.
Jason: We don't need any more trash honey, these appetizers are spectacular! And we got
twelve minutes to spare!
Maggie: Oh, I haven't even showered.
Jason: Go, go, go, shower!
Maggie: Ben, if you don't take that volcano out of here, I am gonna erupt.
Ben: But you said to...
Maggie: Ben...
Ben: Dad.
Jason: You heard your mother.
Carol: Bathrooms are clean, I can see my face in the toilets.
Mike: Well then, that makes it unanimous.
Jason: What the heck is that, you've got a... (volcano erupts, everybody screams)
Ben: It works! It works! It works!
Ben: Did you see that sucker blow? You tell me I'm gonna screw up now, huh?
Jason: Ben, come on, you ruined every thing here.
Ben: No, I'm sure, if I can get it to work once, it will work...
Mike: No! No! Not the stupid volcano, lard-brain, we're talking about the food!!!
Carol: And the kitchen!!
Maggie: And my hair!
Ben: Nice Chrissy, real nice.
Chrissy: Lucky.
Jason: Your hair, your house, your humiliation, well pardon me miss pudding head!
Carol: Stop, just stop it! People will arriving here in nine minutes. You'll be serving garbage
with pudding in your hair...this isn't a family, it's a freak show.
Mike: Alright, alright, everybody just calm down and relax and stop the
name-calling...especially you, toilet-face!
Jason: That's the first constructive suggestion I've heard in the last fifteen minutes.
Carol: Dad!!! Oh stop whining, Carol, your brother's been right about you for years.
Mike: Alright, alright, alright! I'm gonna use my wet-dry vac and I'll have this place clean in a
snap.
Maggie: Where'd you get a wet-dry vac?
Mike: Let's just say I got one, alright?
Jason: Our son is the only person around here in this family, who still cares about this
fundraiser work!
Ben: Wait a minute, I thought Dad's fundraiser was tomorrow.
Mike: Hey look, if it's broken, it's OK, I got another one.
Pizza boy: Here's your pizza.
Mike: What?
Pizza boy: Your pizza, the one you ordered.
Jason: That saves the day! Somebody ordered a pizza!
Mike: Oh, yeah!
Pizza boy: That'll be nine eighty five.
Jason: Hey, hey, hey, that's alright. There's ten Bucks, I'm in such a good mood, keep the
change.
Pizza boy: Wow, I may weep Mr. Cussman.
Jason: Cussman...Cussman, oh, you want...
Mike: Ah, excuse us, excuse us. Dad, we have food right here staring us in the face, and the
people are showing up here in eight minutes, what are you doing?
Jason: Mike, I can't lie to the guy.
Mike: But Dad, think of all the people you're gonna be helping with your health clinic.
Jason: Mike, there's never a time to lie. Son, we ordered five pizzas, not one. And that was
thirty one minutes ago, so they're free.
Pizza boy: Oh, come on.
Jason: Don't mess with me kid, I got nothing to lose.
Mike: And I thought there was never a time to lie.
Jason: I was lying! I was lying! look, I'm not Cussman, I'm a psychiatrist, but I need this food
Mike: Is this a fabulous machine, or what?
Jason: Alright, everything's all cleaned up, we got five minutes to shower shampoo and get
dressed.
Maggie: Alright, bite-sized pizza.
Jason: Oh honey, I'm sorry I called you pudding head.
Maggie: Mmm, and I'm sorry I said I wished you'd got our wedding date wrong.
Jason: When'd you say that?
Maggie: Several times today.
Jason: Be faster if we shower together.
Carol: Oh great, this sink is clogged.
Mike: Hey, that's no problem at all for the owner of a wet-dry vac. Just step aside, both of you.
Allow me. Just put your hose in the right port, and blow your problems away. If you'll notice,
I'm not even working up a sweat.
Maggie: Carol!
Jason: What's going on?
Maggie: The food!
Mike: Mom, Dad, take it easy on the little guy, he was only doing what Carol told him to do.
Maggie: Oh, thank you. Oh, great news Jason, I called the Cussman's to see if they had any
food at all, and they are expecting a pizza! And just as soon as it gets there, they're gonna
send it right over.
Jason: Yeah, well the Cussman’s aren't getting a pizza.
Maggie: What?
Jason: I already hijacked their pie.
Maggie: This is truly pathetic.
Jason: Alright, let's go, four minutes to shower honey.
Maggie: Ah, what's the point, people who serve food like this are beyond showers.
Jason: I'll tell everybody it was all my fault.
Maggie: Oh honey, maybe looking very very sad will help you raise money.
Jason: Yeah, well let's just hope they don't run the pictures.
Maggie: The what?
Jason: The pictures honey, the New York Times, they're coming today, didn't I tell you?
Maggie: No, you didn't. Oh, that' probably the Today Show.
Jason: Oh,people coming early.
Maggie: Donald Trump, welcome to my home.
Stinky: I came as fast as I could.
Jason: Oh, not now Stinky.
Stinky: But I have food.
Maggie: What? Oh, Oreos!
Jason: Roundshwegger!
Maggie: Oh heck, cheese!
Jason: Sack of potatees!
Maggie: Obies!
Jason: Peanut Butter!
Maggie: Corn chips!
Jason: Pickled ham!
Maggie: ?????
Jason: Beef jerky. Yeah.
Stinky: I hope it's enough, that's all I had in my room.
Maggie: Oh, Stinky, you are wonderful.
Jason: How'd you know we needed food?
Stinky: Ben called me.
Maggie: Our Ben.
Stinky: And I brought my accordian in case you wanna get down and get funky.
Jason: now just get everybody casual now. Casual.
Maggie: Casual.
Jason: Somebody should get the door. No, I'll get it.
Stinky: If I can do anything to help, just ask.
Jason: Yeah. Hello, come in, welcome.
Rich: Hi, I'm Rich.
Mike: Boy, these people just come right out and say it.
Jason: Drive safely, thank you. Listen, thank you so much for that contribution, Rich.
Rich: I had a fabulous afternoon.
Rich's wife: Your eclectic display of food was an eloquent statement on the needy causes of
today.
Maggie: Well, we figured...why put on a show.
Jason: And hey listen, your donation was really more than I ever could have hoped for.
Rich: Well I figured, the more people we have feeling good about themselves, the less people
we have calling me a heartless slum lord.
Jason: Words to live by.
Rich: Ta-ta.
Maggie: Ta-ta.
Jason: Thank you.
Rich's wife: Good bye dear, nice to meet you.
Maggie: Nice meeting you.
Jason and Maggie: Woo!
Jason: We did it.
Carol: How can you say that? I didn't even get to meet Donald Trump.
Stinky: Oh, I forgot that dude was here.
Maggie: What?
Stinky: When you were showering he had some beef jerky, a little Cool-ade and then left.
Carol: You met Donald Trump!
Stinky: Yeah, who is he?
Mike: I'm not the only stupid one around here.
Stinky: But he told me to give you this.
Jason: Ten thousand Dollars!!!
Ben: For some beef jerky and Cool-ade!
Jason: Hey, hey, we did alright guys!
Maggie: Oh, we did!
Jason: Yes. You know the true test of character is grace under pressure, and I think we all
scored pretty darn well today. Come on, we pulled together as a family, as a team. Nobody got
petty, nobody got selfish, nobody got irrational.
Maggie: Here here!
Jason: Now, let's remember that in the troubled times ahead.
Ben: I'm really glad you made that speech, because for a while there, I was starting to think
there was no point in what we were doing.
Jason: Ah, you're not alone Ben. For a while I had my doubts about this whole silly episode.