Previously on Growing Pains.
Maggie: So what happened to your State Teachers College?
Mike: I'm not going.
Jason: Exactly what's going on mike?
Mike: I lied.
Jason: You want that same rent. You want the Sever meal deal, then you've got to study
something. You've got to be a student.
Mike: So you're saying that if I don't do what you say, you're making me move out?
Jason: Mike's moved out. He's gone. His car, his clothes, everything. He moved out to do that
stupid play.
Mike: I'm an actor without a place to stay. Would you please cut me a break?
Waitress: Get out.
Carol: here I am. A Columbia student who has to leave at seven a.m. to make a ten o'clock
class. But do I live in New York? No.
Mike: It's come to this. An anonymous homeless man gives me a buck.
Carol: You know the best thing Mike ever did was move away from here.
Maggie: Oh really.
Carol: Yeah. If I had the money, I'd do the same thing.
Maggie: A blank cheque. You want to move? Move.
Mike: Carol, Carol. What an amazing coincidence. Here you are on your way to New York and
here I am on my way back there.
Ed: Are you happy now that you've driven out two of my grand kids, you quack?

Waitress: Cheeseburger, scrambled egg, side of ham, toast, three orange juices, and chilly
fries.
Mike: Right here.
Waitress: Nothing for her?
Mike: The bill.
Carol: No.
Waitress: Skip out on the bill, and you will be smelling out of the side of your neck.
Carol: Don't worry. I have money. I have lots of money.
Mike: I can see I've got lots to teach you about living on your own.
Carol: I've made a horrible mistake. I don't know anything about finding a place to live. One
great moment of rebellion, now what am I going to do?
Mike: Pass the mustard.
Carol: I am at the watershed moment of my life, and all you can say is pass the mustard.
Mike: And the ketchup. Carol, what are you so upset about? I mean, at least mum and dad
gave you a blank cheque when they threw you out.
Carol: Correction. They threw you out. I was just merely demonstrating my independence.
Mike: Oh, I see, so you were so tired of commuting amongst these perverts that you decided
to go to the city to be closer to them. Good plan Carol.
Carol: You're right. I have no right to be here. A fool with a blank cheque.
Mike: Hey, hey hey. Alright. I've had just about enough of that talk young lady. I am going to
take you under my wing and show you the ropes, even if it costs mum and dad every last cent
that they have.
Carol: Oh, I get it. You are trying to cash in on my blank cheque.
Mike: Carol, you wound me.
Carol: Thanks, but no thanks. I'd be better off with some guy off the street.
Man: Hey, I'll give you thirty-six dollars for your woman.

Mike: Oh, I like it. I like it. Alright this is the best place yet.
Carol: Do you have anything a little nicer?
Lady: Yeah. I live in it.
Carol: This is one ugly view.
Man: Hey baby. Let me see you dance.
Lady: Now, I got few rules; no drugs, no cloven hoofed pets, and no bee gees music.
Mike: Ah, excuse us. Carol, I am tired of looking ok. This place is much better than the other
places and you can even have the bedroom. You can fill it with books, you can go crazy Carol.
You can study every night till midnight.
Carol: There is a bedroom, right?
Lady: Through the bathroom dear. Right passed the combination shower/toilet. Mike and Carol
Seaver, you are in luck. I give preference to young married couples.
Carol: Against my better judgment, I'll give it a shot. But I get the bed. None of your sleazy
women are welcome, and even if one of your friends hits on me, I'm gone.
Lady: I like a woman who keeps her husband on a short leash.
Ed: Blank cheque! Clank cheque. Did you get that bonehead move from one of your books,
shrink man?
Jason: It's not my bonehead move. It was your daughters.
Maggie: I said I was sorry.
Ed: I'm not blaming you for anything, other than marrying him.
Jason: I'm not even going to respond to that Ed, because I'm concentrating on what's
important here. Which is that we don't even know where Mike and Carol are.
Grandma: Ninety forth on Broadway. Carol called. I didn't mention it?
Maggie: No, you didn't mention it. What did she say?
Grandma: Oh, we had a lovely chat. It was a little rushed, she had to go to Columbia. She
must be really upset to go all the way to South America.
Maggie: It's Columbia University in New York mother!
Ed: You continue yelling at your mother like that and you can get out of our house.
Maggie: It's my house.
Grandma: I think you're right. It isn't South America.
Ed: Of course its not South America ludnut.
Grandma: Now Ed, remember, when you yell you get flatulent.
Ed: Nice, You've embarrassed me.
Jason: Not news Ed.
Grandma: There's no reason to be this upset. Carol is fine. She's taken an apartment with
Mike.
Maggie: Mike Seaver!
Grandma: I didn't mention that either?
Maggie: No. I'll get my keys.
Jason: Wait honey, think about it. Mike and Carol room mates. She's going to make his life
miserable. He'll drive her crazy in a day or two. The both realize the horrible mistake they've
made and they'll both come home, like that.
Ed: Ha! It never works that way. Look at poor Maggie here. Twenty-two years since your
wedding day and she still hasn't come home.

Mike: Are you talking to me?
Man: Ok. I got new pages. We have reworked act two.
Mike: Who are you?
Man: The new director.
Mike: What happened to the old director?
Man: His catering business took off. We have revised act two.
Mike: Why?
Man: All that gunfire. Oh, it made me queasy.
Mike: I'm a cowboy.
Man: Not any more. You're a hairdresser.
Carol: But isn't that a tautology?
Guy: Spare me your proletarian banality.
Carol: I have got to tell you people how wonderful it is to be able to share these complex
thoughts with someone.
Guy: But I thought you lived with your brother.
Carol: I do, but with him I have to speak slowly and use one-syllable words.
Guy: As do I with certain professors.
Carol: Oh everyone. My brother Mike.
Guy: Nice....to ....meet...you.
Mike: carol, can I speak with you privately in the kitchen please? Look I've got lots of lines to
revise. I need my apartment.
Carol: Your apartment?
Mike: Yes, come on Carol. I am paying the even months rent.
Carol: may I remind you that you're staying this month out of my generosity?
Mike: Yeah well need I remind you that you make me puke?
Guy: Pardon me. We are moving the discussion group down to Sullivan's pub. Join us.
Carol: No, I don't think I can. My mum and dad... I can, cant I? Ok, but I have to be back by
eight because I have hours of studying.
Guy: Wasn't it Keikergart who said, "Dread is a sympathetic antipathy"?
Mike: You've got something hanging out of your nose.

Maggie: I wish my parents would stay out of this. Why don't they just go home?
Jason: Or move to California and just visit leap years.

Ed: You know if Carol and Mike were my kids, I'd drive down to the city and grab them both
by the scruff of the neck, shove em in the back of the van, bring them home, lock them in the
basement without any food until they wised up.
Grandma: That's because you are a loving father.
Maggie: You know, part of me want to go down there, grab them by the scruff of the next,
shove them in the trunk of the car, drag them back home, look them in the basement until
they wise up.
Jason: I bet you got that from old chrome dome in there.

Ed: Refresh my memory Kate. Why didn't I do that with Mags when she married, uh, what's
his name? Old hairdo in there.
Grandma: As much as you wanted to, you realized that you couldn't control your child's life.
Ed: Yeah, I forgot.

Jason: I think we took the right course of action. We have to stand firm until they come home
on our terms.
Maggie: You're right. I know you're right. I'm positive you're right.
Jason: Thank you.
Maggie: So what do we do when you're wrong?

Mike: Its three am. Where the heck is she? (Carol comes in) Carol, where have you been? I've
been worried sick. I mean I called every library in town.
Carol: Can you feel it? Can you hear it? Can you smell it? Can you taste it?
Mike: Hu?
Carol: I flirted. I danced. I had double cappuccinos and I laughed. God how I laughed.
Mike: You're not going to jump are you?
Carol: My wining wasn't about the commute. What I really thirsted for was freedom. The night
I left, that blessed liquid flowed over me. Coursing its way to my very soul.
Mike: Hey listen; if you're not going to make nay sense, then I'll take the bedroom.
Carol: Then I'll take Manhattan. Hey Miss Liberty! Hand me that torch.

Maggie: Jason! Why are you leaving so early?
Jason: Oh, just on the way to the office, thought I'd drop off some laundry.
Maggie: Right. What's this ham doing with your dirty laundry?
Jason: What did I put in bens sandwich? Alright Maggie, I admit it. I'm packing some food for
Mike and Carol.
Maggie: But you said we shouldn't do anything and you were so sure.
Jason: well I was sure, then I started thinking, how would your dad handle it. And what sets
me apart from Ed is that I have a soft spot and I'm not afraid to admit it. And I'll be damned if
I'm going to start acting like him. You're right. Let them starve.
Ed: May I use your washing machine.
Maggie: Sure daddy. It's in the basement.

Ed: Thank you.
Chrissy: Mummy.
Maggie: Yes sweetheart.
Chrissy: Will Carol ever move back?
Maggie: Oh honey. Well carol just needs to work a few things out and we just need to give her
some space until she comes home.
Chrissy: So I should put off selling her clothes?

Mike: Carol. Carol, what are you doing? It's almost twelve noon and you, you're drooling on my
pillow.
Carol: Go away Mike.
Mike: Not that I care, but aren't you missing geekology 101?
Carol: So I slept in late. Big deal.
Mike: You skipped a class!
Carol: I watched the sun kiss the sky. I mean how often does a person get to do that?
Mike: Everyday. Hey hey hey hey. Watch the backwash.
Carol: Lighten up.
Mike: Oh, so that's it? That's it. That's you whole day?
Carol: And the ironic thing is that I've done more in these thirty seconds than you'll do in your
entire life.
Mike: You know I should have sold you for thirty-six bucks when I had the chance.

Mike: Nobody, nobody. Uh line.
Man: You were supposed to have this memorized.
Mike: You were supposed to have this memorized.
Man: Do you have anything memorized?
Mike: I'm sorry. I've been living with my sister and she's driving me crazy.
Man: Oh no, no, no, no. I don't buy that. I have been living with my sister for thirty-five years,
and she has never been a problem.
Mike: Alright, I'll have this stuff memorized by the afternoon.
Man: No, it's not just the lines. And I certainly don't want to pierce your cover story about
your sister..
Mike: What are you saying?
Man: I am saying get your holster and hot rollers to wardrobe. You have given your final rinse.

Mike: Carol. Carol! What the heck is going on? Who are these people?
Carol: I met them all today. Aren't they great?
Landlady: there they are officer.
Policeman: Alright people. Haven't we had enough of that bee gees music? Let's go, everybody
out.
Landlady: You and your swinging wife are evicted pal.
Mike: She's my sister.
Landlady: that is really sick.
Mike: This is great Carol. This is really great.
Carol: You're getting mad at me? If anything you should be getting mad at them. They are the
man.
Mike: Look, you cut classes, you sleep in till noon. You let these fluorides flow over you. You
hold these wild parties, you watch the sun kiss the sky, and now you get us evicted.
Carol: Mike, I thought you of all people would understand.
Mike: Understand! Carol, you can't just drift along like some aimless teenage.
Carol: Listen to yourself. Do you know what you sound like?
Mike: Yeah I do Carol. I sound like a guy who's got some sense of a little responsibility. You
know and someone who cares about you even if you don't have the sense to see....god I
sound like dad. Oh, Carol. I snapped. I have no reason to live.
Carol: Let me get you some lotus root soup.
Mike: Carol, what's happened to me?
Carol: You've just been under a lot of pressure lately with the play.
Mike: No, the pressure's off. I got fired today.
Carol: Oh. Well Mike, look on the bright side. Now you have time to evolve into what I've
become.
Mike: No, no thanks Carol. I prefer walking erect.
Carol: Nietze says "That which does not destroy us makes us stronger".
Mike: Yeah, well Kenny Rogers says you've got to know when to hold them and know when to
fold them.

Maggie: Jason. I just got the strangest call from my father. He said don't go anywhere, all our
problems are over. What are you doing?
Jason: I'm going somewhere. Anywhere.
Maggie: Jason, you could give my dad a chance. After all your plan hasn't exactly worked like
gangbusters.
Mike: Yeah it has.
Maggie: Mike, you're home.
Mike: Am I?
Jason: Well that's up to you Mike. You know what we expect of you if you are going to move
back in here.
Mike: Alright I'll go to the stupid teachers college and I'll stay in school until I get my crummy
degree.
Maggie: oh isn't that wonderful.

Jason: Well why are you here Mike?
Mike: Well let's just say that New York did not go the way I thought it would.
Maggie: It never does. That city is a cesspool.
Jason: So we're just your back up?
Maggie: Jason.
Jason: No. I want to know where we stand here.
Mike: Alright, what do you want me to say dad? You want me to say that you were right and I
wasn't ready? Well you were. I, I don't like being poor and I don't like living off Carol. And I
don't like not knowing if I'm going to work tomorrow and even if I did who the director would
be or what part I would play, or even if I was going to have a part. Look dad. If you want me
to grovel, I'll grovel.
Jason: Welcome home mike.
Maggie: Oh, I'm so glad you're home. I don't even mind if you smell.
Jason: you know I was noticing in that Boynton catalogue, that there's a little theatre group
there called the Boynton College Players.
Carol: Don't push me!
Maggie: Carol.
Mike: Oh wait, if she's back the deals off. I'm moving out.
Carol: You can do what you want to me but it's my city. It will always be my city.
Jason: What's going on here.
Ed: We caught her playing three card Monty on fifty Eighth Street.
Carol: I was winning.
Ed: Go to your room young lady.
Maggie: Dad. Only a parent can tell a child to go to her room.
Ed: Fine. Margaret, go to your room then.
Jason: Listen Ed, thank you for bringing our daughter home. We owe you one. Now get out.
Ed: Did you believe that Kate. We pull their child from the jaws of hell and then you give us
the bum's rush!
Grandma: We had a wonderful time. Thank you for inviting us.
Carol: You two don't fool me. I know you sent the goon squad to come and get me.
Jason: Carol, hold on. Wait a second. I mean we are glad to have you home, but if you don't
want to stay, we're not going to force you. You want to go, go.
Carol: see you. Oh, do you happen to have a cab fare?
Maggie: No.
Carol: Great. So I am stuck here until I dye.
Maggie: Carol, no matter how much you insult us, you are not going to get another blank
cheque.
Carol: well can I at least try?
Jason: I'll tell you what we will do. If a dorm becomes available at Columbia, if you're
interested, that's when we'll help you out.
Carol: And you think that's fair?
Maggie: Yes. We do.
Carol: well I'd prefer a blank cheque but I guess I can live with that. Tomorrow morning I'm
going to watch the sun kiss the sky.
Jason: Now we have two of our kids back. Part of her anyway.
Maggie: I wonder if being their parents didn't just get harder.
Grandma: Excuse me. Ed wants to know if we can our luggage?
Stinky: Ben, you've really changed since you got a place of your own.
Ben: Well it's not just the place. It's the pre party excitement. The babes will be here any
minute.
Stinky: B, b, b, b, b, b, babes?
Ben: Welcome to Ben's palace of pleasure you sweet thing.
Mike: Beat it you twerp. What happened to the stink man? Oh, you must have girls coming
over.
Ben: Yeah, I was planning a little party.
Mike: No way you little horn ball. You're out of here.
Ben: Oh come on Mike. I'm begging you. The babes will be here any minute.
Mike: So what are we talking here?
Ben: I wash your car. Every day for a week. For a year, Sir.
Mike: You know Bennie, its good to be home.