Chrissy: How's it going Dwayne?
Dwayne: Great. I puked three times already.
Chrissy: Mum, dad, let's go already. People are going to run out of candy and start handing out
sticky fruit.
Maggie: Hang on a minute Chrissy.
Chrissy: And the time it's taken you to change clothes, I changed sexes.
Jason: Chrissy you've been hanging around Ben too much.
Ben: Tell them you heard it from Mike.
Chrissy: Ben said I heard it from Mike.
Ben: So where's all the candy we're going to hand out?
Chrissy: We don't have any this year, since nobody's going to be home.
Ben: Well I'm not trick or treating. I'm going to be home.
Chrissy: That's not a costume?
Ben: No.
Mike: Hey guys, how's it going? Wow Chrissy! What a great costume. Hey great cross thesis.
Look Ben, you're looking pretty good too. Those fake zits are frightening.
Ben: I'm not wearing a costume.
Mike: If I were you I'd lay off the chocolate.
Chrissy: Mike, will you take me trick or treating?
Mike: No I can't Chrissy. I've got to go pick up Eddie, then we are going to a party.
Chrissy: So I'm stuck with mum and dad?
Mike: We all are. Goodnight guys.
Ben: Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight. Since yesterday.
Jason: Hey hey! Shiver me timbers. It's Captain Hook!
Chrissy: Yo ho.
Maggie: Jason, you haven't said a word about my daughter's beard.
Jason: Well she's a little young. Even for the women in your family.
Chrissy: let's go, lets go, lets go!
Jason: Hey! Wo, wo! I got to get a picture of this.
Chrissy: Dad every second we waste is candy out of my mouth.
Jason: Come on.
Maggie: Come on Ben.
Ben: What?
Maggie: We want all out trick or treaters in the picture.
Ben: What is it with you people? I am not wearing a costume and I have not painted fake zits on my face.
Maggie: Are you out of your prescription?
Ben: No. And I don't trick or treat. I haven't gone since I was a child.
Jason: Yeah, last Halloween.
Ben: I wasn't really trick or treating. I was out toilet papering houses.
Chrissy: I'm never going to get out of this stinking house.
Jason: Ben, I distinctively remember you saying that...
Ben: Carol's showing her breasts.
Jason: Never mind Carol's chest, it's about...Oh my god. Where did...that's a little low cut isn't
it?
Carol: Little! I can't even raise my arms without ...woops.
Maggie: Carol, what are you suppose to be?
Carol: Well I'm supposed to be a woman who wants to be noticed for her brain and not her
body. But we'll see. I'm kidding. It's just a costume for a Halloween party with a great blind
date.
Maggie: Oh, if you haven't met him, how do you know he's great?
Carol: Well because a fried of mine who set it up said I had a bellow average IQ and used to
be a cheerleader.
Jason: So what happens when he finds out you are an intelligent woman of substance?
Carol: Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything wild, I never do anything wild. I don't know
how to do anything wild. It's the tragedy of what I am.
Jason: It's good to hear.
Carol: I'm going to wait for this stud outside.
Maggie: So what were we talking about before..?
Jason: Ben. Oh Ben. Hey.
Chrissy: He's gone. We were waiting for you to take me trick or treating and he got married
and had kids.
Chrissy: We don't have much time. Lets start on the rich neighborhood.
Maggie: Oh Chrissy, that's not nice. Our neighborhood will do just fine.
Jason: You know how much the houses around here are going for?

Maggie: Chrissy stop.
Chrissy: Why?
Jason: There's a storm.
Chrissy: just a little storm. (Lightening burns a tree) Come on. What are we waiting for?
Jason: No no.
Maggie: No no.
Chrissy: I want to go! Ahh!

Ben: No, no Stink man. We only use new toilet paper.
Chrissy: I want to have Halloween.
Maggie: Now stop it Chrissy. Stop it right now.
Jason: Chrissy, stop it. Halloween isn't ruined.
Chrissy: It isn't?
Jason: No.
Maggie: Ben, what are you doing with all that toilet paper?
Ben: Um, I was going to hand it out to the trick or treaters.
Chrissy: Everybody goes to trick or treat except me.
Ahhh!
Jason: Chrissy, Ben is not handing toilet paper out to trick or treaters. He's using it to
vandalize homes.
Chrissy: Honest?
Jason: Yes. Right Ben?
Ben: You got that right.
Maggie: Freeze.
Jason: Maggie, come on. If you're not going to help out, just don't say anything.
Maggie: Jason, I'm not going to indulge her fit. Chrissy! Ben don't go anywhere.
Ben: Hey, I wasn't.
Carol: This was the worst night of my life.
Chrissy: Ahhhh!
Maggie: Chrissy.
Carol: If that guy shows up, tell him I'll be right down. And don't mention anything about me
being a fine intelligent woman or any crap like that.
Jason: Listen listen listen. Do you want to cry all night? Or do you want to have a special
Halloween like the pilgrims had?
Chrissy: Who? I thought the pilgrims had the first thanksgiving.
Jason: Yes. Yes they did. But on the boat, on the way over, was Halloween.
Chrissy: I never heard that.
Jason: Well they don tell you everything in pre-school, incase you get bored and drop out.
Maggie: So you're saying they had Halloween on the Mayflower?

Jason: You haven't heard of this either? I think this speaks very badly for the public
education system tonight. Yes Maggie. That's why we have pumpkins on Halloween and on
thanksgiving we have pumpkin pie.
Ben: My got, we do, don't we.
Jason: So I thought with all the rain, tonight would be a great night to have the old pilgrim
Halloween.
Chrissy: What did they do?
Maggie: Well they didn't toilet paper house. Did they Ben?
Ben: No, they used leaves.
Jason: No, they told scary stories.
Chrissy: Oh, this is one of those family deals.
Jason: I'm talking about really scary stories.
Chrissy: how scary.
Maggie: Jason, I think Chrissy's a little young for this.
Chrissy: No I'm not. I'm a woman with a hook. Ahh!
Jason: Ahh yes! Yes. Right, who wants to go first? Ok, I will. Lets set a little mood here. A
little less light. Ha ha ha! And if we happen to save a little electricity, so be it.
(Flash back to Jason's childhood, played by the Seaver family)
Alright, yes it was a Halloween night, as I recall. A might much like this. Yes, and I was about
the same age as your brother mike is now. Even looked like him. The job of handing out candy
to trick or treaters fell to me that year because pop was at his men's club having a lengthy
meeting about his hand shake, and mum was leaving to visit a sick relative in Buffalo.
Maggie: This plane ticket cast me thirty-nine dollars. Uncle Zeek better be on his deathbed.
Mike: Mum.
Maggie: Oh I'm sorry Jason. Money is not important and Zeek's my favorite uncle. After all he
has lingered so that I can purchase my ticket thirty days in advance. Excursion rate.
Mike: Seats are limited and certain restrictions apply, and the cost of the ticket is non
refundable.
Maggie: Oh that's my boy.
Mike: Have a nice trip mum.
Maggie: Oh honey, I'm sorry you'll be left alone. Halloween will be ruined for you.
Mike: Oh no it won't. My good friend Jerome is coming over here and we're having a pilgrim
kind of Halloween.
Maggie: How resourceful.
Mike: Yeah, we're also turning off all the lights. That way we'll have no trick or treaters and we
can save all that candy money.
Maggie: Love you. I don't want to miss my flight.
Mike: And remember, bring back some of those peanuts from the plane.
Maggie: I will.

Mike: Oh, well I think I'll watch some TV. Oh, what am I saying? We don't have a TV. We're
holding out for color.
(Doorbell)
Ben: Hi Jase. Want to go toilet paper some houses?
Mike: No, not only would that be vandalisation, it wouldn't be thrifty.
Ben: Excuse me.
Mike: Oh no, that wasn't you. It was outside. Isn't that weird. Up there.
Ben: Where? You mean next to the flying saucer?
Mike: Think about it.
Ben: Oh no, what if they're here seeking intelligent life?
Mike: You've got nothing to worry about. Alright, just stay calm. I'm sure there is a very
rational and scientific explanation for all this. It's probably marsh gas.
Ben: I said excuse me.
(Doorbell)
Mike and Ben: Ahh!
Ben: Ahh!
Mike: It's probably just some kids out wanting some candy. Yeah, that's it.
Maggie: Jason?
Mike: Mum. Mum, what are you doing here?
Maggie: Coffee. I must have coffee.
Mike: You came all the way back just to get a cup of coffee. Mum, you're missing your flight.
Thirty-nine dollars down the drain for a cup of coffee?
Maggie: It's very good coffee.
Mike: mum, you're talking crazy
Ben: That to, varact ta, nick toe.
Maggie: I see you've gotten into my coffee.
Ben: My second cup.
Mike: That's funny; he never has a second cup of my coffee. Wait a minute. What am I
thinking? He doesn't drink coffee. What are you doing?
Ben: Feeding my face.
Maggie: Save some for me.
Mike: You are both acting weird. This is nuts.
Maggie: Oh, you'll feel differently after you have a nice cup of coffee down your pants. ha ha
ha ha.
Ben and Maggie: Ha ha ha. Ho ho ho. Hee hee hee.
Maggie: Hu, earthlings. Go figure.
Policeman: Are you crazy? I could have killed you.
Mike: Hey officer.
Policeman: Didn't you ever hear of cross walks?

Mike: Today something terrible has happened. My mum and best friend have yellow eyes and
they're drinking down their pants.
Policeman: Wait a minute. I find this a little hard to believe. Your mother wears pants?
Policeman: What flying saucer?
Mike: Wait a minute. This all started with that flying saucer. Maybe they have invaded. Maybe
the aliens have taken over my mum and my best friend.
Policeman: Take it easy kid. If you keep on talking crazy like this, I'm going to have to shoot
you and plant a weapon. It's an old cop joke.

Mike: Look, you don't get it. We're talking about flying stinking saucers here. We're talking
about those nearest and dearest to me.
Policeman: Coffee.
Mike: What are you talking about? I'm pouring out my soul to you.
Policeman: Cream and sugar?
Mike: What is it with you guys and coffee?
Policeman 2: hey tute. Verono. Mickto.
Mike: Officer, it's one of them.
Policeman: That hits the spot.
Mike: Ahhh!
Policeman: Call head quarters.
Mike: Jesus Christ.
Kid; I hate stinking fruit.
Mike: Kids. Look I need your help. Space men are invading out neighborhood.
Kid: Hey tito nickto.
Mike: (in his head) I didn't know where to turn. And then I thought of pop. He always knew
what to do. And best of all, he only drank decaf.
Kids: get him, get him!
Jason: If there's no objection to the report, from the committee on committees, commence for
the adoption as read, so ordered, so done.
Mike: Pop, pop. We got to get out of here before they get us.
Jason: Who?
Mike: Them.
Jason: Jason, you're interrupting a very important meeting here, for the committee on male
bonding.
Mike: Well aliens from out of space have invaded peoples bodies and they've got mum.
Jason: O psssh lad. Your mum's on her way to Buffalo.
Mike: No she's not. She threw away here plane ticket and said that money doesn't matter.
Jason: That's not your mother.
Mike: Exactly. No one will believe me pop. You're my last hope.
Jason: Son, I believe you.

Mike: Oh thank god.
Jason: Gentlemen, we have a serious problem here. My son has discovered aliens among us.
Men: No.
Mike: Yeah. We've got to warn the rest of the country.
Jason: Good thinking. Pickering, you're in charge. We're off to warn the President. We'll go
even if we have to drive all night.
Men: Here, here.
Mike: Ah, I knew I could count on you pop.
Jason: And if we have to drive all night, we'll need plenty of coffee.
Men: Coffee. Coffee.
Mike: Dad, dad! It's them. Run for your life.
Jason: Oh you're not going anywhere son. Not until you have a cup of coffee.
Mike: Oh no. You're one of them too.
Maggie: One of us! He's our leader. Baratus, baratus inko.
Jason: You'll feel much better if you join us.
Mike: No never.
Everyone: Join us, Join us. Join us. Join us. Join us. Join us. Join us.

(Back to present)
Join us. Join us. Join us. And I did!
Ben: Ahh!
Chrissy: Grow up.
Maggie: Jason, wasn't your story a little too intense for the children.
Jason: I'm a professional psychologist Maggie. I think I know what kids can handle. They know
the difference between reality and fantasy.
Ben: So dad, did the president believe your story?
Jason: What did you think Chrissy?
Chrissy: I think Halloween is ruined.
Maggie: It isn't honey.
Chrissy: Well if you really love me, you'll make it stop raining.
Maggie: Oh sweetheart. You are going to forget all about the rain when you hear my story,
because it's not merely entertaining, it's educational as well.
Ben: See ya.
Jason: Hey Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. You are going to suffer through this with the rest of us. And I
mean suffering in that, you know, zany family way.
Maggie: ok Chrissy, this is a story about a girl. A perfect little girl just like you, who one
evening went trick or treating with her mum. A wonderful woman who was warm and caring
and loads of fun. Just like me. So she rang the bell of this house with walls made of, um,
what's that stuff called.

Jason: Stucco.
Maggie: No not stucco.
Jason: Siding?
Maggie: No not siding. It's like siding but different.
Jason: Maggie, nothing's like siding but different.
Maggie: Jason, who's telling this story?
Jason: Nobody right now.
Maggie: Shingles.
Jason: You're sure?
Maggie: Yeah, I'm sure it was shingles.
Chrissy: Finally.
Maggie: No, it was bricks.

(Story fantasy)
Witch: Yes.
Chrissy: Trick or treat?
Witch: oh yes, I have something very special for you, my little rabbit.
Maggie: I'm so glad I took every spare moment of the last six months making that costume.
I've got to get a snap shot.
Hop honey, do it for mother. One more hop.
Sweetheart. This is almost as much candy as last year.
Chrissy: Mummy, you know I'd trade all this candy for a hug from you.
Maggie: Oh honey, you don't have to trade a thing. It's a beautiful warm, loving world. Now
don't eat any of this candy until we've had it x rayed.
Chrissy: Oh I won't.
Maggie:(narrating) Then the mother thought, what kind of a mother was she? She's forgotten
to kiss her daughter goodnight.
Maggie: What kind of a mother am I? I've forgotten to kiss my daughter goodnight.
Chrissy: You didn't say anything about apples with fuses in them. You saved my life.
Maggie: And why was it in danger? Because you didn't listen to me. You see, we mums should
always be listened to. Because when we have feelings of danger, you can bet we're right on
the money. You could do yourself a favor, as could all children, if you could only some how
hear what I have to say. Listen to, respect and appreciate your mum. She's the only one you'll
ever have.
Chrissy: Amen.
Maggie: The end.
Ben: Mum, I'm starting to get an idea of why your writing career hasn't taken off.
Jason: Ben, don't be so rude. Your mothers story was very, it had a lot...(phone rings) I'll get
it.

Carol: If that's my blind date calling to cancel, tell him I'm not here.
Jason: Hello.
Carol: Tell him I'm out with somebody incredible good looking.
Jason: Yeah.
Carol: Tell him I pity him for what he's missed.
Jason: I'll be waiting for your call.
Carol: Well?
Jason: It wasn't.
Carol: I know it was dad. You don't have to lie to protect me. I'm ok. I can handle this.
Jason: I'm not lying.
Carol: Then why are you getting me so upset dad?
Maggie: Who was it Jason?
Jason: Nobody. Say, you know what would make this evening perfect? Something in the
kitchen.
Maggie: Something in the kitchen!
Jason: Get off your dove. Come on. And follow me.
Maggie: What's going on?
Jason: That was Eddie on the phone. Mike was supposed to pick him up a half hour ago and he
hasn't shown.
Maggie: He hasn't? Well maybe we should call...Hu. Has he got yellow eyes?
Jason: Maggie, I'm serious.