Man: Hello.
Mike: Good evening sir, wouldn't you and the Mrs. like to put the thrill back into your marriage
by touring Europe for just pennies a day?
Ben: Not particularly.
Mike: Ben!
Ben: You know Mike, dad told you he wouldn't buy anything you're selling.
Mike: Yeah, well listen twerp...young man. Let me tell you about Va Va Voom tours. Would you
mind if I called you young man?
Ben: I would prefer it.
Mike: Well I'll tell you what I'd prefer....Ah, perhaps I should speak to the man of the house.
Ben: You got it. Mum!
Maggie: Ben, don't yell.
Ben: Telephone, some skuzzy sales guy.
Maggie: hello Mike.
Mike: Hello Mrs. Seaver, I've got the way to put the sizzle back in your marriage. They make
me say this mum. It's just a coincidence.
Maggie: Mike, we went through this when you got this job.
Mike: well I'll have you know mam, that our package tours to romantic places like Paris, Rome,
and Barcelona, have never been cheaper.
Maggie: Neither has your father.
Mike: please mum. Just one little all expense trip to Europe.
Maggie: Mike, the day your dad springs for a trip to Europe is the day pigs fly.
Jason, I still can't believe you did this.
Jason: what do I have to do to lose the underserved reputation for being stingy?
Ed: Springing for a taxi wouldn't hurt.
Jason: Com eon. I just thought it would be nice if the whole family saw us off to the airport.

Grandma: Don't listen to him Jason. Babysitting taxi services, that's what in-laws are for.
Jason: Huhu. That's what they're for.
Ben: Hey dad, since we are at the airport, can we drop Carol off at airfreight?
Carol: You know, it's bad enough that some people refuse to take me to Europe, but do you
have to squeeze me back here with Ben, the pesthole?
Ben: can we tie Carol to the luggage rack?
Jason: I don't care; I'm going to Europe.
Maggie: Carol, this is a romantic holiday too. A little time for your dad and I to be alone and
celebrate our anniversary.
Jason: And forget that we have kids.
Ed: Wish I could forget.
Grandma: Besides kids, we are going to have a grand week together. Carol, I finally get to
teach you about make up. And Ben, it is not unmanly to embroider. After all, it is the eighties.
Chrissy: It is the nineties grandma.
Ed: Christine, don't confuse your grandma.
Mike: Grandpa, here, here, here. Pull over.
Maggie: Jason, first class! I had no idea.
Mike: Neither did I.
Mike: No, no. It's not your stop. It's mine.
Jason: Your!

Mike: Yeah. See I sold so many trips that I got one of our collegiate tours for free.
Carol: Mikes going to Europe too!
Maggie: Why didn't you mention it?
Jason: Yeah. This is supposed to be a romantic tour for your mum and I. With you around...
Mike: Relax. We won't be in any of the same cities at the same time. I won't be anywhere near
you guys. I'm on a good tour.

Jason: There it is. 36D.
Maggie: Oh no. I have 36F.
Jason: Oh. Excuse me, would you switch with me please?
Man: no.
Jason: well you see, my wife and I are on one of those romantic cities tours and...
Man: Well so am I. You don't hear me carping. My wife's way back there with the bathroom.
Jason: Why don't you sit together?
Man: For the kids sake. Just for security, we never travel together.
Maggie: It's ok Jason honey. Just sit. Excuse me.
Captain: This is captain Noah. There will be a slight delay in out departure today. Kindly return
to the terminal, where we load the animals two by two.

Jason: There go the peanuts.
(Meanwhile, on another flight, in first class)
Mike: Anyway ladies, I was just as stunned as you were when they put me on this Sorority
tour. I guess Va Va Voom tours knows what they are doing.
Girl: You forgot a Va, it's Va Va Va Voom tours.
Mike: How could I forget? And I work for the company.
Girl 2: Have you been to Europe before?
Mike: Ok, I know that place like the back of my hand. Deb, you juts marched through
Liechtenstein.
Girl 3: Excuse me. Did you just say that you work for Va Va Va Voom tours?
Mike: Yeah yeah yeah yes.
Girl 3: Do you realize, according to the itinerary, we're not visiting the grave of Van Gogh?
Mike: Guzenteit.
Girl 3: Seriously, I mean, I didn't come to Europe to party. Did you?
Girls: Party! Party!
Girl 3: never mind.
Mike: Wait, wait wait a minute. Are you sure you're here with the sorority tour?
Girl 3: This is a sorority tour?
Girl: Yeah babe.
Mike: Come on. There is no reason we cannot get along like sisters. A little laughing, horseplay,
pillow fights.
Girl 3: I'll be in the non-giggling section.
Girl 2: Ah Mike, I know what I wanted to ask. When we get to France, can you tell me how
many francs you can get for a dollar?
Mike: That depends. If they're all beef, one.

Captain: This is Captain Noah again. Sorry about the three hour delay. Please take your seats.
Jason: Well how did you think they got elephants to Europe? Sorry, I love my wife.
Man: Sorry I love my wife too.
Maggie: Jason, just relax. Tomorrow we are going to be celebrating our anniversary in Paris.
Jason: Yes. See how I aced the big guy.
Maggie: Jason, romance.
Jason: Oh yes.
Maggie: Jason honey, I want to go back to Henris.
Jason: Oh yes. So do I. Where else can you get such great food at sensible prices?
Maggie: It's also where you proposed to me.
Jason: That was my A reason.

Captain: Attention passengers. Prepare for arrival in historic Barcelona city, where I'm sure
you'll enjoy the scenery.
Mike: Alright, alright, the next bus will be ours. I'm sure of it.
Girl 2: You have been saying that for the last hour.
Girls: Yeah!
Girl: And where's our luggage?
Girls: Yeah!
Mike: Come on sisters. Don't turn on me now. Especially after you've shown me the secret
handshake.
Girl 1: I came here to see Europe. Not stand here in the middle of some foreign city.
Mike: Hey come on. You don't see Miss Culture here complaining, do you?
Girl 3: Actually, I was enjoying watching this impromptu view of Spanish life, moving hither
and yon before us. (She speaks Spanish; the meaning is The heart of Spain can be found in
the streets and cafes)
Girl 1: I'm taking a cab.
Girl 2: Me too.
Mike: Wait a minute; cabs cost a lot of money.
Girls: We're rich.
Girl 3: Boy, some people can be so shallow.
Mike: Yeah. Hey, you wouldn't mind giving me a ride, would you?
Mike: Hey where do they get off charging forty dollars for a bus ticket?
Girl 3: Not forty dollars, four dollars.
Mike: Hey hey. This Spanish money is ok.
Girl 3: I'll read my book.
Mike: Nude in Europe.
Girl 3: It's just an art book. And nothing to be ashamed of. Put it away. Put it away. Put it
away.
Mike: Would you relax. There's nothing worth looking at in there. They're all stone
Girl 3: yeah but understand, the hands of an artist can take cold stone and turn it into a
sublime level of eroticism.
Mike: What page is that on?
Girl 3: Why did you come to Europe?
Mike: Well I figured a place with sixty eight million women who couldn't understand a word I
said couldn't be all bad. How did you end up on a sorority tour?
Girl 3: I was misled by some sleazy phone salesman.
Mike: he didn't happen to mention his name did he?
Girl 3: No, why?
Mike: No reason.
Girl 3: I hope we get to the hotel soon. I want to see some of the museums before closing
time.
Mike: Alright, but the statues aren't going any place. Did anyone ever tell you that you have
got a great sense of humor?
Girl3: No.
Mike: No one ever will. Hey look, I didn't mean to say anything to upset you. And good luck
with the nude thing. I hope your vacation isn't a total waste.
Girl 3: thank you. And please, if anyone asks you, say you're Canadian.
Mike: Good afternoon sir. Buenos Dias senore. Hello sir, holo senore. What have they got in
here for sinorita? You are the first woman ever to touch my soul. Tu es la primera muhere que
mihad metado me elmare. You! Wait a minute.
Mike and Girl 3: You're not staying at this hotel?
Mike: Well not that that's bad.
Girl 3: No. I mean it's not like a toothache.
Mike: (easy fro you to say)
Reception: Buenos dias inbenidos.
Mike: Holow.
Girl 3: It's ola. (Speaks Spanish. The meaning is: Sir, we are with the Va Va Va Voom tour)
Reception: Va Va Voom.
Mike: No, you left pout one Va.
Girl 3: (Spanish, meaning: Sir, we have our hotel vouchers)
Reception: (Spanish meaning: Those Va Va Va Voom swine owe me two hundred pesetas.
Your vouchers are useless unless you are in need of toilet paper)
Mike: Ah, tell him that I work for the company.
Reception: (Spanish: If I ever catch up with those beasts, I will severely reprimand them)
Mike: Tell him I run the company.
Girl 3: Mike, you...(In Spanish: This man is President of Va Va Va Voom)
Mike: hey man, this is the last time I say hallow to anybody in this town.

Maggie: Sweetheart. Paris!
Jason: If you don't mind, excuse me.
Maggie: Oh honey, it's so pretty. Look!
Maggie: Jason smile, we're here.
Jason: Yeah, four hours late. Whatever happened to our free your bus?
Maggie: Well to tell you the truth sweetheart, I kind of enjoy being alone with you.
Jason: Yeah, me too. What's the French word for receipt?
Maggie: Jason, it's only a cab ride.
Jason: yeah, but who knows what round about route this criminal's taking us on.
Cab driver: the French word for receipt is receipt.
Jason: Ah. Oh!

Maggie: Honey, just sit back and enjoy the ride. Jason: I'll sit back. I can't promise I'll enjoy
myself.
Maggie: Oh look, the Eiffel Tower!
Jason: Big stinking deal.
Maggie: The Rue de l'esperant, that means our hotel should be right there. Honey, we can't
stay here. What do we do?
Jason: I don't know.
Cab Driver: Monsieur, Madame, perhaps while you are discussing this, I will renew an old
acquaintance.

Girl 3: Ola. Esta telephone aqui?
Man: Si.
Girl 3: Gracias.
Mike: Pst!
Girl 3: Ah!
Mike: Look, look. I don't think it's safe for me to be out in the open like this. Somebody in this
town wants to kill me.
Girl 3: Yeah, me.
Mike: What do you mean?
Girl 3: Mike, the tour we're on. The tour you run. It's gone bust. We have no transportation,
no hotel, no meals.
Mike: So this is no way affects our beach time.
Girl 3: Goodbye.
Mike: Whe, whe, where are you going?
Girl 3: To find a phone. I want to see if at least our return air tickets are good.
Mike: You know, I was just about to do the same thing.
Girl 3: Si, si. Muchos gracias por su et ida. Gracias.
Mike: well, what did they say? Are our tickets good?
Girl 3: Yeah, they are still good, and any travel agent in Barcelona will exchange them for a
flight out today.
Mike: Yeah!
Girl 3: For fourteen hundred dollars!
Mike: What?
Girl 3: Each. For coach. Eighteen hundred dollars first class.
Mike: Wow. It's going to be so tough flying coach after getting used to first class. Come on. It
was only a joke.
Amy: Don't you get it Mike? We are stranded in Europe. We have a pair of tickets that are
good only in Paris, in six days. A city five hundred miles away.
Mike: Actually, I believe here you use kilometers.
Amy: What was I expecting from a guy who doesn't know the difference between Francs and
hot dogs?
Mike: I sure do. Francs are ones with the little knots on the ends. By the way, you shouldn't
eat those. Fine, you weren't the only victim here. I mean this trip was supposed to be my
reward for selling more tickets than anybody else. I mean, I even booked my parents into the
worst hotel in Paris.
Amy: You misled your own parents, just to sell a tour?
Mike: Misled. Hey, my parents wanted a little romance in their tour. I'm sure they'll find
some.
Amy: And I suppose you did the same for a girl interested in culture.
Mike: Oh sure. There was this one girl, she only wanted to see graves and museums. I mean
if it had a pulse, she wasn't interested,
Amy: Was her name Amy Boudelier?
Mike: Yeah. Hey how did you. Oh.
Amy: I hate you. I hate you.
Mike: we are Americans. Let set an example.
Amy: You make me sick.
Mike: hey look.
Amy: I spent every penny I had on this sham of a tour, because of you. And I am not the kind
of girl who can just go call daddy to help me out.
Mike: Hold that thought.

Carol: I'm going to go get the paper.
Ben: Oh, don't let your weekend peak too early Carol.
Carol: Ben, where's grandma and grandpa?
Ben: Upstairs giving Chrissy a bath.
Ed: Come back here you little...
Chrissy: No!
Ed: Christine!
Grandma: Bennie, while the waters warm, you want to hop in the tub? I'll do your back.
Ben: Ok.
Grandma: Oh, and Carol, as soon as I finish with Bens back, you and I are going to go
through your make up drawer and throw out the trash.
Carol: Swell
(Phone rings)
Carol: Hello. Hello. Could you speak up please? Si, hablo un poco d'espanol. (Yes we'll pay for
calls)
Mike: Look, ask for my sister Carol. She's a language geek like you.
Amy: Me gusteria hablo con Carol.



Carol: Estes Carol.
Amy: Carol.
Mike: Ok, tell her I need some money, so I need the number of mum and dads hotel...wait a
minute, Carol speaks English, so do it. Hey Carol,
Carol: ola. So how's Europe Mike? I'm not there you know.
Mike: Carol, look, I need the number of mum and dads hotel in Paris. Alright, it's an
emergency. I'm stranded and the tour company's gone bust.
Carol: Hold on Mike, I've got another call.
Mike: No Carol don't.
Carol: Hello.
Jason: Carol, this isn't cheap so I'm going to make this quick. We will not be staying in the
hotel in Paris that's on our itinerary.
Carol: So how' Europe, I'm not there you know.
Jason: Carol!
Carol: please o please tell me what a wonderful time you're having.
Maggie: How's everybody?
Jason: How's everybody?
Carol: Well,
Ed: Chrissy, put these shoes on.
Carol: Chrissy's running through the house naked screaming and uh, bens taking a bath with
grandma.
Jason: Everything's fine. Listen something has happened on this crummy tour.
Carol: I heard.
Jason: From who?
Carol: Mike. I have him on the other line.
Jason: Oh yeah. Well the next time he sells anything, you tell him. Wait a minute, is he calling
collect? Oh he's standing there on hold right now soaking up my money?
Carol: And no doubt enjoying it.
Jason: Oh well now what you tell him is...I can't win this one.
Maggie: just give her the number of the hotel and let's go.
Jason: Listen, the number of the hotel is...
Chrissy: ha ha ha.
Jason: Zero, and the name of the hotel is the…
Maggie: George six.
Jason: The George six. It's the most expensive hotel in the whole of Paris. Oh.
Carol: Hello, dad, you still there? Hello.
Mike: Carol.
Carol: Mike, are you still there.
Mike: Yep, just standing here soaking up dad's money. To tell you the truth, I kind of enjoy it.



Right, so why did you call me?
Maggie: Jason, I remember twenty years ago when it was a thrill just to go to the bathroom in
this hotel.
Jason: it still is. Ho ho. Va Va Va Voom.
Maggie: From the shop downstairs.
Jason: Wow!
Maggie: Only fifteen hundred francs. What do you think?
Jason: Honey, it's gorgeous.
Maggie: You didn't wince at the price.
Jason: Yeah, well that's because I don't know the exchange rate today and I'd like to keep it
that way for a while.
Maggie: Honey, you're being so sweet about all the money we're spending.
Jason: Well the important thing is that we are together. And we're in Paris, and it's our
anniversary. So, happy anniversary.
Maggie: Happy anniversary.
Jason: When you were down buying that, I bought you something that I'd kind of like to see
on you.
Maggie: Jason! Oh! Urghhh!
Jason: Remind me to tip that doorman.

Mike: It's ringing, it's ringing. When my mum finds out that her little boy is in trouble, heck I
can just here her now.
Maggie: Jason,
Jason: Yes, yes, yes sweetheart. It's appendicitis but we're taking you to the hospital.
Everything's going to be fine.
Maggie: Oh sweetheart, you should know the dress really cost three thousand francs and
that's six hundred dollars.
Jason: Ewwww!
(Phone ringing)
Mike: Mum, I'm stranded in Spain with a crazy woman. I'm practicing. Not that it isn't true.
Mike: Hey, you know the least you could do is do your part.
Amy: I don't like this.
Mike: ok, just look uncomfortable. That's perfect.
Maggie: Oh honey, I've ruined our romantic trip.
Jason: Oh, you haven't ruined anything. We're together and we are in Paris. Hey voila!