Mike: Oh, this is a nightmare. It all started when I sold my parents a trip to Europe and I got
one for free. That's when my troubles began. And that's when I met Amy.
Amy: Do you realize that according to the itinerary, we're missing the grave of Van Gogh?
Mike: Guzenteit.
Mike: Can you believe she actually came all the way to Europe just to see a bunch of graves
and museums?
Amy: Why did you come to Europe?
Mike: Well I figure a place with sixty eight million women who couldn't understand a word I
said, couldn't be all bad.
Mike: And then when the tour went bust, she didn't take it too well.
Amy: We are stranded in Europe. We have a pair of tickets that work only in Paris in six days,
a city five hundred miles away.
Mike: So we started walking. I mean I thought we had some laughs along the way. She
seemed to be loosening up a little bit, but I guess I was wrong because she deserted me. Amy!
Amy! So here I am, broke and alone in Spain. I just hope mum and dad are doing better than
I am.

Maggie: This is a nightmare. No sooner did Jason and I get to Paris, then...urgh!!!
Jason: It's appendicitis but we are taking you to the hospital. Everything's going to be fine.
Maggie: And all I've seen of this gorgeous city is…
Jason: Voila.
Maggie: And the worst part is, we can't have our anniversary dinner at Henri's. I'm just glad
my folks are taking care of the kids back home.

Carol: Ahhhh! (Grandma's frozen my face in beauty mud, while Mike's living it up in Spain.
Mike: Amy stop moving. Amy.

Jason: This is long distance so I'll make it quick, alright. We are in the hospital, appendicitis.
Hers. Feeling fine. Return flight the same.
Ben: hey, this is great. You sound like you are calling from down the street. Can we try that
thing where you drop the pin down by the receiver and I see if I can hear it? Hello.
Jason: Fourteen dollars a minute and he's playing games.
Maggie: Jason, is Chrissy sleeping alright?
Jason: yes, yes. Why shouldn't she be? She doesn't have to sleep in that chair.

Carol: So, what was so important he couldn't tell me/
Ben: Oh nothing, just that mum's in the hospital with appendicitis.
Carol: What?
Chrissy: Ben. Ben, it's your play and grandma's trying to shoot the moon.
Ben: Then I'm not going in there.
Maggie: so at this point I don't know what is worse. Having appendicitis or Jason trying to
keep me entertained.
Jason: Shoe me that smile. Again. Don't waste another minute...

Mike: Now lets say, today I covered twenty seven kilometers, which is either four miles or
forty miles. No man, I'm never going to make it to Paris in three days at this rate. I just hope
Amy is having as much trouble as I am. Heck I hope she's having more.
Maggie: Are you sure you want to stay here?
Jason: Honey, what does my lower back pain matter, as long as I'm cheering you up.
Maggie: Jason, why don't you get a room?
Jason: What? Honey, you're here and you're feeling miserable. I'm going to stay right here
and feel miserable too.
Maggie: Honey, there's no reason that we should both Miss Paris.
Jason: Who's missing Paris? We're not missing Paris. Honey you had a croissant for dinner.
These nurses have all been very very rude to us. There's nothing more French than that. If
you just close you eyes, you can almost hear the sound of a concertina echoing across the
Seine.
Maggie: All I can hear is my drip bag.
Jason: That's your problem, you can't visualize.
Maggie: Jason, like I said, get a room.
Jason: Honey, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go down to the gift shop
tomorrow morning and I'm going to buy postcards of every scenic place in this town. And then
we are going to pretend we are there.
Maggie: Sort of like last years anniversary?

Maggie: Thank you, thank you for showing me why helmet laws are a good idea.
Amy: Let me go, let me go!
Mike: Amy.
Amy: Let me go.
Mike: (hang on a minute. what I am saying? I can't stand her)
Amy: I shouldn't be treated like this.
Mike: Don't worry Amy. I am here.
Amy: You. Stay away.
Mike: Whatever she did officerio, she didn't mean it. Nada io.
Amy: I do not know this Canadian.
Mike: Scenore, senore. This woman is my espouso. Come home to the kids honey.
Amy: You just told them I'm your husband.
Mike: That's it. Play crazy.
Amy: I'm not...
Policemen: (in Spanish) Have you ever seen such a fight? They must be married.
Mike: Oh wo. I just kept you out of jail.
Amy: You jerk.
Mike: You're welcome.
Amy: I wanted to be arrested. At least it would have been a hot shower and a bed for the
night.
Mike: What are you crazy? You think they're going to take you to the Ritz for the night? You
would have been lucky with a dirt floor and a piece of dry bread.
Amy: Oh yeah. And how does a guy who knows nothing about anything suddenly become an
expert on Spanish jails?
Mike: Well, I slept in one last night.
Amy: You got arrested?
Mike: Yeah. But unlike you, I did not want to be arrested. They accused me of stealing a
chicken. You think that's funny?
Amy: I think that's great.
Mike: well fine. I won't give you any of the chicken.
Amy: I don't know which of us is more pathetic.
Mike: well at least I can get arrested. Even when I don't want to.
Amy: I'll give you that one.
Mike: Why are you so wet?
Amy: I was in the fountain.
Mike: What were you doing in there?
Amy: I wanted to get arrested. And at the very least I thought I could cool off and get clean. I
don't cope too well without proper hygiene. Let's travel together.
Mike: Hey look, we couldn't do any worse.
Amy: I'm not so sure about that.
Mike: We don't have time to try.
Amy: Ok, but just until...
Mike: Until Paris. Ok. But anymore strong language like jerk, and I'm out of here.
Amy: I'll try to control myself.
Mike: Thank you.
Amy: let's go. Mike, what are you looking at? That money is for the needy.
Mike: Uh hu.
Amy: Mike!
Mike: Look, either we get some money for a place to stay, or are we get arrested and we get a
place to stay. Plus, you can take care of that hygiene problem. We can't lose. Come on.
Amy: Ah!

Jason: Alright, where were we in our Paris by post card tour? Or do you want to play some
more mad lips, or what?
Maggie: Jason, I say this with love and affection. Get out of here. See something. Do
something.
Jason: No, no. Not without you.
Maggie: If you don't go soon, I'm going to rip my stitches out. You're making my recovery
miserable.
Jason: I'm just trying to cheer you up. Look at this room, it's enough to depress anybody.
Maggie: Jason, go. Walk along the Seine. See the Mona Lisa, you might even find Henri's. I
mean it.
Jason: Ok. Alright.
Maggie: Good.
Jason: I'll go, I'll go. And I won't enjoy it.
Mike: So what are you thinking about?
Amy: Underwear.
Mike: Pardon me?
Amy: I mean our clothes are cleaner, but it would be nice to have a fresh pair of...never mind.
Mike: You're insane, aren't you?
Amy: What? Because I care about cleanliness, because I worry about getting to Paris?
Because I don't think it's funny thumbing for rides and crashing people's weddings, and
jumping into stupid fountains.
Mike: Com eon. Don't start yelling and hopping all up and down.

Amy: Mike. You came to Europe expecting nothing, and so you're missing nothing. But I came
with fifty eight places on my itinerary and I'm not going to get to see one.
Mike: Oh, well for your information I had lots planned here in Europe.
Amy: Like what? Hanging out on every topless beach?
Mike: Absolutely not. And have you heard me complain once that I missed that?
Amy: Oh yeah. Checking out all the sleazy discos in Spain.
Mike: Oh right, so what did you have planned that was so meaningful and important.
Amy: The Gaudi cathedral, Histilian architecture, the chapel where my grandparents were
married in Corbay, The Rover Seine, The Louvre..
Mike: Oh yeah. Big talk.
Amy: Big talk!
Mike: Hey look, if I'm the one who's supposed to be so shallow and stupid, how come I can sit
here and just appreciate just being on this mountain? Under a beautiful sky and having a
great picnic with a girl. And I'm not concerned about my underwear at all. Let me tell you I
could certainly use a fresh pair. Alright fine. Maybe it's better we just don't talk.
Amy: This is a beautiful place Mike.
Mike: Yeah.
Amy: Look Mike, the first star. Make a wish.
Mike: Oh, are wishes on your itinerary?

(The French Boarder)
Amy: Are you sure these things are safe?
Man: Safer even than the Concorde.
Mike: Well how do you know for sure it's going to end up in Paris?
Man: Guarantee.
Amy: Do we have to do this?
Mike: Look, for the kind of time and money we have, we've got to.
Amy: I just don't trust this guy's hot air. I was talking about the balloon.
Mike: Wow! I can't believe this. Wow, this is amazing. Wow! Do you want me to put my arms
around you?
Man: No, that's ok.
Amy: If the wind keeps blowing, then we might just catch a glimpse of that chapel in Corbay.

Jason: Enjoy Paris alone. Yeah right!
Mike: Hey Amy that's it. That's Corbay. Wow wo, wo. Where's the break on this thing?
Man: …
Mike: Earth, death, us oh! Amy Amy, wake up.
Amy: Mike, what are you doing? We have less than an hour to get to Paris. If we miss that
flight, we are going to be stranded in Europe forever.
Amy: Hey!
Mike: This is where your grandparents got married?
Amy: Forty three years ago.
Mike: well this is the first item on you itinerary, so relax, take your time and enjoy it. Ok, we
got forty five minutes to hit the other forty seven. I think we can do it.

Doctor: Ah, bonjour papa.
Maggie: Jason, where have you been? You said you'd be back at seven and it's, um, five to.
Jason: Well I thought you wanted me to get out.
Maggie: Well of course I said that. I didn't really think you'd go.
Jason: I just thought that…
Maggie: Thought what? That you could leave me in this crummy room while you went out and
had a wonderful time in Paris, the city of lights?
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: You said you wouldn't have fun. You promised.
Jason: I found Henri's.
Maggie: What?
Jason: Yes. Exactly where we left it twenty two years ago. I even ordered off the same menus
printed on the wine bottle.
Maggie: Oh that figures. That just figures. You probably had a wonderful dinner and a
wonderful champagne, and winning conversation with exotic women.
Henri: You remember Henri? Ah Madame Seaver. In twenty years you only look lovelier.
Jason: No, Henri, Henri.
Henri: Ah. Madame Seaver. In twenty years you only look lovelier. May I serve you now?
Maggie: Oh Jason, you are the sweetest, most thoughtful husband a woman could ever have.
Jason: Yeah, I've been saying that for years.
Maggie: Jason Seaver, will you marry me.
Jason: I'm thinking about it.

Mike: Wow, Paris. Well I think we've finally got out of Spain. Wo, wo. Easy Maurice. We don't
want to hit this thing.
Amy: I've dreamed of things like this.
Mike: Hey, the river Seine. And Notre Dame Cathedral and that is the Louvre and the Arc de
triumph. Items forty seven, forty eight and forty nine on your itinerary I do believe.

Amy: Ah, can you please put us down in that beautiful park?
Man: Oui.
Mike: Ok fine, could you put wee down in that beautiful park? Wow, wow, wow. Set it down easy Maurice. Wo, wo, wo. Wo, wo.
Man: When you get out of the basket, that's it. How you say the weight..Ahhhh!
Mike: Well that's the first French I've understood.
Amy: Wait! My bag. My nap sack. I never thought we'd do it.
Mike: I never doubted it for a second. Hey listen, we've got to catch that metro to De Gaulle
Airport.
Amy: Not de Gaulle, Orly airport.
Mike: No, I didn't screw this one up. I checked the ticket. See?
Amy: No but my flight's leaving out of Orly. see?
Mike: Oh! Well then I guess this is goodbye.
Amy: I know this trip wasn't a pleasure for you...
Mike: I didn't mean to ruin your whole vacation…
Amy: You go first.
Mike: No go ahead.
Amy: You first. This is harder than I expected. All of a sudden I can't say goodbye.
Mike: Well then don't. Just say oui.
Amy: That means yes Mike.
Mike: I know, but the only other word I know in French is ahhhhhh and that doesn't seem
appropriate.
Amy: Here. This is my address in California. You can read can't you?
Mike: Yes.
Amy: Thank you. Believe it or not, this was, this was...
Mike: Fun.
Amy: Yeah. I wasn't too much of a chore to be with, was I? I mean I can be so rigid. I am
working on it.
Mike: Keep working on it. I guess we got to go.
Amy: I'm going to miss you Mike. And for what it's worth, you're not the screw up you think
you are. And I mean that pretty much the way it sounds.

Ben: Hey, what's this picture?
Mike: That's the alley where that crazy Spanish guy was chasing me.
Ben: This one?
Mike: That is the men's room where I ducked in on the run.
Ben: Nice urinal.
Mike: Thank you.
Ben: And what's this?
Mike: Oh, they are my mug shots. They usually don't let you keep these things.
Ben: Nice lighting.
Mike: Thank you.

Ben: Who's the babe?
Mike: that is Amy Boudelay. That is the girl that I met. Yeah, at first she was kind of a drag,
and then later on she turned out to be, kind of a drag.
Ben: It doesn't look like a very fun trip.
Mike: look Bennie, you do not go to Europe just to have fun. You go there to experience an
older richer culture.
Ben: Any more urinals?
(Car horn)
Ben: Hey, that must be mum and dad.
Mike: Ah, well listen Ben. I really don't think I'm ready to hear about their trip yet. Ok. They'll
probably blame me for selling them the lousy tour. Ok, if they ask, I'm not home.
Ben: Go on. I can handle mum and dad. Trust me.
Mike: Ok, thanks.
Maggie: Hey Ben. How are you?
Ben: You guys are home.
Jason: Yeah.
Ben: Hhow was your trip? Hope the pictures are better than Mike's.
Jason: Mike's home?
Ben: Um, Mike who. Why are we wasting our time talking bout someone who's not even here?
Let's see those darn pictures.
Maggie: Well sorry Ben. No pictures. But I do have plenty of postcards.
Ben: Man, you guys saw a lot of neat stuff.
Maggie: Not any of it.
Chrissy: Mummy, daddy.
Jason: My baby.
Maggie: Chrissy.
Grandma: Thank god you are back. I wrote a check for the thingy I broke. Most of your
children are here I think. The only good thing about this week is Ed left two days ago. Oh,
don't worry, I'll take a cab. See you. Bye!
Chrissy: I think grandma's had a tough week.
(Phone rings)
Ben: Hello.
Carol: It's worse than I thought Ben. Mum and dad have completely disappeared. At this rate
it looks like I may have to stay here a couple of weeks.
Ben: Dad, I think you better handle this one.