Mike: Hey stop tickling me. I'm serious. Wo, wo, wo. Thank you for a lovely evening.
Jill: Oh, it's over?
Mike: Yeah. We can't do anything else. You ran out of money. Hey listen. I want to thank you
for letting me drive your new car Joan.
Jill: Jill.
Mike: That is such a wrong name for you. Because I look into your eyes and I see a loveliness
that makes me want to shout Joan, Joan!
Jill: You are so cute. Bye.
Mike: Bye. Bye.
Joan: Hi.
Mike: Joan?
Joan: Yes.
Mike: Good. You're Joan.
Joan: Where have you been?
Mike: Where have I been?
Joan: Yes. I'm sick and tired of waiting around. You said we were going to meet here at seven.
Mike: Oh. Oh right, uh. Well right now it's only five. You're two hours early.
Joan: Oh, I'm sorry.

Joan: My arms are getting shorter. Thanks for a lovely evening.
Mike: Ah, morning.
Joan: Wow!
Mike: I had a lovely time too. And by the way, thanks for letting me drive your car Jill.
Joan: Joan.
Mike: That is such a wrong name for you, because when I look into your eyes, I see a
loveliness that makes me want to shout Jill. Jill!

Joan: She's not going to buy that.
Joan: I don't care what you call me. Just call me.
Mike: Ok.
Joan: Bye. You're so cute.
Mike: Dad.
Jason: Oh, I got my darn robe caught in the bushes. So the old house is looking pretty good,
hu?
Mike: Dad, you were spying on me.
Jason: I wasn't spying...
Mike: Yeah you were.
Jason: A father doesn't spy. A father observes and goes wow!
Mike: You're jealous.
Jason: I'm not jealous.
Mike: You're jealous inside.
Jason: I'm not jealous, I happen to be a married man Mike. Happen to be married to a fine
woman too. Don't you forget that.
Mike: Ok.
Jason: What do I need with a girl half your mothers age? Uh hu. Don't tell her I said that.

Mike: Ahh!
Eddie: Ah, Michael Seaver, you are not an easy man to find.
Mike: Eddie, what are you doing here?
Eddie: I need your advice. It's about a girl I'm seeing.
Mike: Tell her to shave.
Eddie: No, no, no. You don't understand. This could be the one. This could be her. This is the
woman I've been searching for hither and yond. Michael, I'm considering fathering this
woman's child.
Mike: That's swell Eddie.
Eddie: No Mike. I've changed. I am no longer the desperate troller I once was.
Mike: Oh. Alright, well where did you find her?
Eddie: I picked her up t the zoo.
Mike: Eddie, get out. I'm tired.
Eddie: No, no. Tell me everything you know about the theatre.
Mike: No. Come on. I'm going to bed.
Eddie: Mike, she knows about the theatre and if I don't learn this stuff, this relationship is
gone with the wind.
Mike: Look Eddie, I can't tell you everything in ten minutes.
Eddie: Alright. Another idea. Let's just double date tonight. That way if she starts yakking
about some stupid play and I say "that's neat", you can say, "What Eddie meant to say was",
and put it into theatre words.

Mike: What like mezzanine?
Eddie: yeah, stuff like that.
Mike: Ok, ok.
Eddie: great. Any food you are allergic to, because I'm going to the market to do the
shopping?
Mike: For what?
Eddie: Our dinner party.
Mike: What dinner party?
Eddie: I am cooking spaghetti Eddie.
Mike: Woo hoo.
Eddie: So I'll be back about three to help you move the furniture.
Mike: Wait. Why?
Eddie: Because I told her I lived in a great place. This is a dump.
Mike: What do you mean Eddie? Come on, what's wrong with your place?
Eddie: My furniture popped.

Chrissy: Mum. Where do I get more meatballs?
Maggie: Chrissy, what are you doing?
Chrissy: I'm making dinner for Mike, Eddie and their babes.
Maggie: But honey, you don't know how to cook.
Chrissy: Shhh!
Mike: Alright, is the soup ready yet?
Maggie: I hope you two are planning on cleaning this up?
Eddie: Oh Mrs. Seaver, you are upset about this mess, and rightfully so.
Maggie: Yes I am.
Eddie: So forgive me. I just wanted Chrissy to be included, to be a part of things. And for ten
bucks, where are my stinking meat balls?
Chrissy: You got bigger problems than that. I lost a band aid in there.
Maggie: Oh, who's going to clean this up?
Mike: Listen, I got to go pick up my date.
Eddie: Go. I'll find the band aid myself.
Mike: Ok mum.
Maggie: I guess so.
Mike: Oh thank you.
Maggie: So you boys are throwing a dinner party? How sophisticated.
Eddie: Yeah well sort of.
Maggie: Sort of.
Eddie: Yeah, I wish we didn't have to eat off the paper plates and jelly jars.
Maggie: That's a shame.

Eddie: Well where do you expect a guy like me to find fine china and crystal/
Maggie: Oh, Eddie, why don't you use mine?
Eddie: really? Oh I couldn't.
Maggie: Sure you could.
Eddie: Well if you insist.
Maggie: It's just sitting up here collecting dust and I always feel that presentation is half the
meal.
Eddie: Oh. Nice set of flutes Mrs. Seaver.
Jason: Hmmm. Spaghetti. Everywhere.
Maggie: You know Jason, twenty year old men find me attractive.
Jason: Who?
Maggie: Eddie.
Jason: Com eon. You weren't flattered by Eddie. Eddie finds anything with a pulse attractive.
Maggie: So I'm anything with a pulse?
Jason: No, you're my anything with a pulse.
Maggie: Sweetheart?
Jason: What?
Maggie: Why don't you try the spaghetti?
Jason: Yeah.
Carol: I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have date. Maybe the drought is over. Not that
anybody cares.
Jason: Oh, it's a little spicier than usual. Oh, what's in this ravioli? Hmmm.
Mike: Alright, alright listen. It's my apartment, I live here. But tonight, I don't know whose
place this is.
Date: we have something in common.
Eddie: No, no, Mrs. Seaver. One candelabra is plenty. Welcome to my home.
Date: It's Chanukah?
Mike: Ah, excuse us. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. How in the world did you get my mum to give you
all her worldly possessions that she'd never give me?
Eddie: I talked to her. I appealed to her as a person. And by the way Mike, do you know that
your mum has got quite a butt.
Mike: Come on.

Eddie: Oh, thanks for reminding me. I've got to hurry downstairs and get dinner before my
lady gets here. Hello, I'm Eddie.
Tina: I'm Tina. May I check your heart? No, I'm off duty.
Eddie: Well you are obviously very dedicated to your craft.
Mike: Where were we?
Tina: Neither one of us knew.

Mike: Right right, see, see this is my apartment, but Eddie is pretending this is his apartment
because there is this girl that he wants to impress tonight.
Tina: You know, you have a nice head.
Mike: Pardon me?
Tina: There I go. Talking shop again.
Eddie: Actually I am kind of stuck here in this dump until I can move out on my own.
Mike: Kate!
Kate: Hi Mike.
Mike: What are you doing here?
Kate: As if you didn't know.
Tina: He doesn't. He doesn't know anything.
Eddie: Um, Michael, you know my lady?
Kate: You could say that.
Mike: Wait a minute. This is the woman, whose children you are going to father?
Eddie: I don't know where he got that idea.

Kate: Mike, you could have just called. You didn't have to get Eddie to bring me here, did you?
Mike: No, I didn't.
Kate: You didn't?
Mike: No. No. I, I, I didn't even know it was you who was dating Eddie.
Kate: I just find that hard to believe. I mean two guys who are such good friends don't discuss
the women they are dating.
Mike: I would never talk to Eddie about any woman I was dating, let alone introduce him to
any woman I was dating.
Kate: Well I just thought....It just seemed natural that...Oh never mind.
Mike: Look, I know this is really uncomfortable Kate, but we are friends...
Kate: This is just a dinner party.
Mike: Right, right. We are friends, this is a dinner party. Why not act civilized?
Kate: Certainly.
Mike: Yes. Hi, well, uh, Eddie, Tina. You both may have guessed that Kate and I have dated.
Kate: And to be totally honest and adult, we still do see each other occasionally.
Mike: Yes, but that doesn't mean anything. You know what I...we both decided at the same
time to see other people.
Tina: She dumped you?
Mike: No.
Eddie: Well Mike, what's passed is passed. Can we just have some fun?
Kate: Sure.
Mike: Ok.
Tina: Goodie.
Kate: Could you pass the salt honey?

Mike and Eddie: Sure.
Tina: Should we be concerned? They are holding hands.

Eddie: Ey. This evening is going great, hey Mike?
Mike: Yeah.

Jason: Ben.
Ben: What?
Jason: What are you doing in our bedroom?
Ben: Um, just cleaning your binoculars.
Jason: You were spying on Mike, weren't you?
Ben: Dad look...
Jason: Ben, spying is wrong, not to mention immoral and somewhat perverted.
Ben: It's worse than that.
Jason: What do you mean?
Ben: Mike is over there with a date, and his old girlfriend Kate just showed up with Eddie.
Jason: That doesn't make it....Kate? Well, well, well.
Ben: Yes, so now you see why I am spying?
Jason: No. I want you to go to your room and think about what you did and why it was wrong.
And leave the binoculars.

Mike: Look Eddie, I just wanted to apologize man. I mean, I think I've been so caught up in my
own feelings, that I forgot how weird you must be feeling about all this.
Eddie: I'm just happy no-one found the Band-Aid.
Mike: Eddie, Eddie, come on. Don't pretend. It's ok. I want you to hear it with me. My
relationship with Kate is over. Alright uh, she is no longer my girlfriend.
Eddie: Great. Let's go and eat.
Mike: I'm serious man. Don't worry about me. I mean, what Kate does is her business.
Eddie: Right. Her business. And whoever happens to go into business with her...
Mike: Hey, you are talking about my....my ex-girlfriend.
Eddie: Oh Mike. I'm sorry. This must be pretty hard for you. Listen, Kate and I could go back
to her place.
Mike: No! I mean, uh, go. Go wherever you want. Do whatever you want. Alright. I give her to
you.
Eddie: Thanks. Can I give you some money?
Jason: Oh man. I wish I could read lips.
Maggie: Jason honey. What are you doing?
Jason: Just cleaning your binoculars.
Maggie: I don't have any binoculars.
Jason: Too bad. Your loss.

Maggie: Jason. Jason, you're spying on mike aren't you.
Jason: No, no. I'm not spying. A father doesn't spy. A father observes, and then
goes...woohooo!
Maggie: Oh Jason, how would you like it if you were in his apartment doing what he is doing
and he were in here spying on you?
Jason: Well...ha ha. I'd hate that. I'd hate that. It's awful.

Eddie: Ladies, did you miss us?
Tina: Hee hee hee. So, how long have you dated Kate?
Mike: Two months.
Eddie: Two weeks. I believe this is our third date Tina.
Kate: It's our forth Eddie. You forgot about our afternoon at the zoo.
Mike: Oh, is that where he picked you up?
Kate: No. That's where I picked him up. So how long have you two been going out?
Tina: Is this out or in?
Mike: Uh, this is our first date. Wh, wh, what's so funny?
Kate: Nothing. It's just a private joke.
Mike: Oh. Would you care sharing that with us?
Kate and Eddie: No.
Mike: I said share Mr.
Kate: What the heck is going on? I mean I thought we agreed to be civilized. To be adults.
Mike: Yeah, well civilized adults do not date rotting pigs.
Kate: What are you saying?
Mike: I am saying that you are too good for him.
Kate: I thought he was your friend?
Mike: He is my friend. I overlook his flaws.
Kate: Well so do I.I have fun with him.
Mike: Fun!
Kate: Yeah. He's not complicated. Mike I just have a good time with him.
Mike: Oh, oh, and when I was just fun and liked to have a good time, you called me a terminal
teenager who's afraid to grow up.
Kate: You are.
Mike: Oh I am. I'm not. I'm not.
Kate: Look how you are acting. It's like you want to get back together or something.
Mike: No. Lets stop right there. It's just, it's just...
Kate: Just what?
Mike: Kate, alright, I'll tell you what's really bothering me.
What's really bothering me is how could you possibly like Eddie after having liked me?
Kate: Because my relationship with Eddie isn't heading anywhere.

Mike: Oh hey. Well may I point out that ours wasn't heading anywhere either.
Kate: I know. But that was the problem. I wanted it to go somewhere with you.
Mike: Oh. Oh but with Eddie for some reason it's not a problem?
Kate: Exactly.
Mike: Kate, I don't get this. I do not get it. And let me tell you something. You know what? I'm
happening. I'm happening. I am out there is this world doing whatever I want, whenever I
want. And in fact, in fact... (Kisses her) And if you don't watch what you say I'll do it again.
Kate: Mike, what are you doing?
Mike: I, I don't know.

Maggie: Oh Jason, look, they are kissing. Isn't it sweet?
Jason: That's the forth girl he has been with today.
Carol: Hi. I'm home from that...You were spying on me and my date on the porch. Weren't
you? This is so sweet. You do care.
Jason: What can I say honey? You caught us. I think a lie was in order in that case.
Mike: You know, I, I was so sick and tired of you hounding me for commitment. And all that
stuff about me growing up, you wanting me to be responsible, and, and in fact I haven't
regretted our breakup for, (kiss), for (kiss) one minute.
Kate: Good. Me (kiss) either.

Ben: I am so glad I bought the high powered binoculars.
Mike: So I guess tonight, we're starting over?
Kate: I guess.
Mike: Alright. Look Kate, we've got to go in there and tell them how we feel about each other.
I mean, they'll understand.
Kate: Hey, we just have to remember there are other people's feelings at stake.
Mike: Yeah.
Tina: Seven and three eights.
Eddie: How do you do it?
Mike: Uh, uh, guys.
Tina: Here it comes. I can read the writing in the wall. You're done with me.
Mike: Oh Tina.
Tina: I should have known you were a two timer when you picked me up while you were with
that other girl.
Mike: Look, look, she didn't matter to me any more than Tina does.
Tina: I don't matter?
Mike: No, no, no. Tina of course you matter.
Kate: Mike!
Mike: Kate, what am I supposed to do. I can't break her heart.
Kate: I can.
Eddie: I'm feeling betrayed here Mike. You sold me this woman.
Kate: What?
Mike: Wait. I did not take a dime. I gave you to him.
Kate: Oh!
Mike: No, no. Kate I didn't mean that the way it sounded.
Tina: Just tell me if I am getting cab fare or if I am in for the duration?
Mike: Look, look Kate. Maybe we should put off starting off until tomorrow.
Kate: No, lets not. No, in fact you can forget everything that went on out there, because we
are through. Again.
Eddie: Hey. Mike. I can see you are pretty upset about this. I'll take Tina home.

Jason: Yeah, well I just heard angry high heels on the drive way. I know that sound.
Mike: Hey guys.
Jason: Mike. Your mum must have got her robe caught on, the thing. So the old room looks ok,
hey?
Mike: I just want to say that nothing you have ever told me even came close to preparing me
for what happened to me tonight. And I blame both of you. More you than her dad.
Maggie: What happened Mike?
Mike: Well I have got dozens of girls. Dozens of girls. I can't even keep their names straight. I
mean dad. You were in the bushes. You saw me with that girl. Right?
Maggie: Jason, is peeping a full time hobby with you?
Mike: And why on earth would I want to give up all that fun? Not that anyone wants me to
give up all that fun and make a commitment. No, I'm too immature.
Maggie: Oh honey, does this have something to do with Kate?
Mike: Mum, how did you know?
Maggie: A mother knows.
Jason: But Mike, my guess is that you talked about getting back together and it just didn't
work. Hey?
Mike: You too!
Jason: Well a father knows too.
Mike: It just doesn't make sense. I mean, I want to get back together with Kate and I want to
be with her. I want to be with her every single second.
Maggie: Oh Mike, that's your heart talking.
Mike: But on the other hand I want to be with every other girl I find interesting? Ok, all
women everywhere. I just don't know what to do.
Jason: Well that's because you have a hint of a conscience Mike.
Mike: Well can I get rid of it?
Jason: No such luck.
Maggie: No such luck!
Jason: Maggie please. Female bitterness isn't going to help Mike. Look, in every male there
are two basic drives. You know that on the one hand is that drive to nest with a single mate
and build a beautiful life together. On the other hand, kind of hopping from tree to tree to see
what shakes. In fact that second drive is so strong that society has created rules to force a
man, no matter how strong he is, to capitulate and eventually get married.
Maggie: Capitulate! Oh, lucky us.
Jason: These are scientific facts Maggie.
Maggie: Jason, this is a long way to go to justify a wandering eye.
Jason: I thought we were close enough that I could share these truths with my son, in front of
you. Look, with enough time and experience you are going to achieve the wisdom to see
Mike, that by giving up these hundreds, thousands, millions of girls, that you are going to get
so much more with one woman. Really, and when that distant day comes, you are going to
be saying "I got it". And you won't be sacrificing a thing.
Mike: I got it.
Jason: Wait, wait, wait. How can this be that distant day? You've been thinking about it for five
seconds.
Mike: Because, it was enough.
Jason: Wait, wait, wait. You are not thinking straight. You have been with four gorgeous
women in one day.
Mike: Yeah dad. I have got what you are saying. I'm telling you. I got it!

Mike: Hi listen; don't say a word until I'm finished, right? I am ready now. I want to be with
you. Look I am through with being a terminal teenager. I am ready to make a commitment
Kate. What number is this? Listen I am really sorry.....Mike. Hi Lisa, it's nice to meet you too.
Listen, I got to go. Well yes, I have had some voice training. I'm an actor. What do you do? Oh
wow! You are a toll booth collector and a lingerie model? Well it makes me kind of sad I do my
motoring with exact change. Wow man, you've got a great laugh. Why do you have to have
such a great laugh? Why do they all have to have such great laughs? Uh, hey listen, could you
hold on while I go ask my dad to explain something? Alright. You still there?