TED演讲:性暴力的救赎之路(4)（在线收听）

I have vague memories of the next day: the after effects of drinking, a certain hollowness that I tried to stifle.

因为喝了酒，我对第二天的记忆很模糊，我试图扼制住一种空虚感。

Nothing more. But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.

没有更多。但是，我并没有出现在Thordis的家门口。

It is important to now state that I didn't see my deed for what it was.

现在，需要重点说明的是，当时我并未认识到我行为的实质。

The word "rape" didn't echo around my mind as it should've,

“强奸”这两个字，并未如其应当的那样，在我脑海中不断浮现，

and I wasn't crucifying myself with memories of the night before.

我也并未因为昨晚发生的事情折磨自己。

It wasn't so much a conscious refusal, it was more like any acknowledgment of reality was forbidden.

那不太像是，一种有意识的拒绝，更像是对现实的认知，遇到了阻碍。

My definition of my actions completely refuted any recognition of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.

我对自身行为的定义，完全击败了我对给Thordis造成巨大伤害的认知。

To be honest, I repudiated the entire act in the days afterwards and when I was committing it.

诚实地说，无论是在事情发生后的那些天，还是当时，我否认自己的整个行为。

I disavowed the truth by convincing myself it was sex and not rape.

我说服自己，那是一场性爱而非强奸，并以此否认事实。

And this is a lie I've felt spine-bending guilt for.

这个谎言，让我承受了巨大的罪恶感。

I broke up with Thordis a couple of days later,

不久之后，我和Thordis分了手，

and then saw her a number of times during the remainder of my year in Iceland,

那年，在冰岛剩下的时间里，我时常见到她，

feeling a sharp stab of heavyheartedness each time.

每次我都感到异常沉重。

Deep down, I knew I'd done something immeasurably wrong.

内心深处，我知道我已经犯了无法估量的错误。

But without planning it, I sunk the memories deep, and then I tied a rock to them.

但是，我并未因此而做些什么，而是把记忆深深掩埋。