TED演讲:性暴力的救赎之路(5)（在线收听）

What followed is a nine-year period that can best be titled as "Denial and Running."

接下来的九年，可以被称作：“否认和逃避”。

When I got a chance to identify the real torment that I caused, I didn't stand still long enough to do so.

当我有机会去认识到，由我引起的真实的痛苦时，我并没能足够冷静地去面对。

Whether it be via distraction, substance use,

无论是通过分散注意力，滥用药物，

thrill-seeking or the scrupulous policing of my inner speak, I refused to be static and silent.

寻求刺激，或者是，小心谨慎地关注我内心的想法，我拒绝，保持冷静和沉默。

And with this noise, I also drew heavily upon other parts of my life to construct a picture of who I was.

除了这个“噪音”之外，我还不断地拼凑我生活中的其他部分，来解答“我是谁”这个问题。

I was a surfer, a social science student, a friend to good people, a loved brother and son,

我是一个冲浪运动员，一个学习社会科学的学生，一些好人的朋友，一个被爱着的兄弟和儿子，

an outdoor recreation guide, and eventually, a youth worker.

一本“户外娱乐指南”，最终，也是一个青年工作者。

I gripped tight to the simple notion that I wasn't a bad person.

我坚持认为，我并不是一个坏人。

I didn't think I had this in my bones. I thought I was made up of something else.

我并不认为，我天生就是这样的人。我想，我本应该是另一个样子。

In my nurtured upbringing, my loving extended family and role models,

在对我的培养和教育中，我充满爱的家人和榜样，

people close to me were warm and genuine in their respect shown towards women.

我身边的人们，都尊重女性，对待女性都温暖而真诚。

It took me a long time to stare down this dark corner of myself, and to ask it questions.

我花了很长时间，才能面对我自身的这个黑暗角落，并开始发问。