2023年经济学人 办公室的桌怒（在线收听）

Business

商业版块

Bartleby

巴托比专栏

Desk rage

办公室的桌怒

The health condition that blights office workers everywhere.

一种折磨着世界各地上班族的健康问题。

A recent piece of research revealed that as many as one in five people in Britain suffers from “misophonia”, a condition in which certain sounds cause them disproportionate distress.

最近的一项研究显示，在英国，多达五分之一的人有“恐音症”，即某些声音会给他们带来极大的痛苦。

If you can listen to your spouse eating an apple and don’t immediately want a divorce, you are not a sufferer of misophonia.

如果你听见你的另一半吃苹果的声音，这不会让你想马上离婚，那么你就没有恐音症。

But you may have another, similar condition for which the workplace is the perfect breeding-ground.

但你也可能有另一种类似的情况，办公环境是滋生这种情况的完美温床。

“Misergonia” (colloquial shorthand: desk rage) is the name hereby bestowed on the eye-gougingly deep irritation triggered by certain aspects of office life.

“恐工症”(口语简称为桌怒)是对让人怒目的强烈烦躁情绪的称呼，这种烦躁情绪是由办公室生活的某些方面引发的。

Like misophonia, sounds are often the trigger for misergonia.

和恐音症一样，声音往往是恐工症的导火索。

The routine fire-alarm test is a case in point.

例行的火警测试就是一个很好的例子。

“Attention please, attention please,” shouts a voice that is literally impossible to ignore.

“请注意，请注意。”一个不可能不被注意的声音喊道。

“This is a test,” it roars, making it clear that your attention is not in fact required.

“这是测试。”这个咆哮的声音又清楚地告诉你，实际上并不需要你的注意。

More shouting and eardrum-piercing noises follow.

接着就是更多的喊叫声和穿透耳膜的噪音。

Then, most galling of all, a message of thanks for your attention, the aural equivalent of a prison thanking you for choosing them for a stay.

然后，最让人恼火的是，发来一条信息感谢你的关注，这简直相当于一座听觉监狱感谢你选择在此暂住。

By the end of it all, a conflagration would be sweet release.

等到一切都结束时，一场大火倒会是甜蜜的解脱。

Other noises are less obviously intrusive but just as annoying.

其他噪音没有这么明显的侵入性，但同样令人讨厌。

The noise of clicking keys is the soundtrack of cubicles everywhere.

敲键盘的声音是格子间的统一配乐。

But every office has its share of keyboard thumpers, people whose goal seems to be not producing a document but destroying the equipment before one can be created.

但每个办公室都有砸键盘的人，他们的目标似乎不是创建一份文档，而是在文档还没完成的时候就把设备砸烂。

Verbal tics are another tripwire for misergonia sufferers.

口头禅是恐工症患者的另一个雷区。

“This is a point that has already been made,” is how weirdly large numbers of people start to make a point that has already been made.

“这个观点已经被人提过了”，多到离谱的人会说完这句话后，开始提出一个别人已经提过的观点。

Why not just say “I don’t value your time” and have done with it?

为什么不干脆说“我不珍惜你的时间”，然后直接完事呢？

Small IT failures are a fact of office life, but they can still be soul-destroying.

各种IT小故障是办公室生活的既有事实，但这些故障仍然能毁灭灵魂。

The printer which jams repeatedly.

总是卡纸的打印机。

The design requirement in said printer that demands every flap and tray must be opened once before things can restart.

上述打印机要求重新启动之前，每个翻盖和托盘必须打开一次。

The headphones that never work.

从来不管用的耳机。

Or the mouse that gives up at just the wrong moment.

或者关键时候掉链子的鼠标。

Your cursor is two centimetres from the unmute button on a Zoom call; you move your mouse towards it when it is your turn to speak, and nothing happens.

在Zoom上开会的时候，你的光标距离取消静音按钮只有两厘米，轮到你发言时，你把鼠标移过去，但没有任何反应。

You rattle it around more vigorously, and still no response.

你更用力地摇晃鼠标，还是没有反应。

Either your cursor is in a coma or the battery has run out.

要么是光标处于昏迷状态，要么是电池没电了。

“You’re still on mute,” offers up a colleague helpfully.

“你还在静音。”一位同事给出了很有帮助的提醒。

Someone else fills the gap.

其他人补位发言。

“This is a point that has already been made…,” they begin.

“这个观点已经被人提过了......”他们开口说。

And then there is the reply-all email.

然后是回复全部的电子邮件。

It starts innocently enough, with someone asking for help with a problem.

刚开始情况单纯无害，某人有一个问题，在寻求帮助。

In come one or two replies, and with a sickening lurch of the stomach you realise that the entire company has been copied in on this request.

收到一两个回复后，你感到胃抽搐了一下，隐隐有些恶心，你意识到这个请求帮助的邮件已经抄送全公司了。

Suddenly, an avalanche.

于是突然之间，一场雪崩发生了。

It is as if nothing else matters other than weighing in on this one question.

好像除了对这个问题发表意见之外，其他什么事情都不重要了。

Deadlines are deferred.

截止日期被推迟。

Milk goes off in the fridge.

冰箱里的牛奶变质。

Visitors in reception are left to forage for food while members of staff devote themselves to the matter at hand.

前台的访客开始自己找吃的，而全体工作人员正全身心投入到手头的问题上。

There are replies to replies, and replies to replies to replies.

人们对回复进行了回复，然后对回复的回复又进行了回复。

This isn’t a thread, it’s a hawser.

这不是邮件链，这是连环夺命索。

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves hugely.

每个人似乎都讨论得兴高采烈。

But there is a silent, suffering group for whom every new message lands as a hammer blow to their composure.

但还有一群沉默而痛苦的人，每一条新消息都像铁锤一样敲击着他们所保持的镇静。

How many minutes can one organisation fritter away on this nonsense?

一个组织可以在这些废话上浪费多少分钟？

Why isn’t it stopping?

怎么还不停下来？

And when the initial round of answers has died down, can you be certain that it is really over?

当第一轮回答平息下来后，你能确定讨论真的结束了吗？

It is always possible that someone who has been away from their desk will pile in and start the whole farrago up again.

总有可能，某个刚回到办公桌的人会盖楼发言，然后又乱成了一锅粥。

Individual workers will have their own triggers, ostensibly tiny things to which they are extremely sensitive.

每个员工都有自己的触发点，表面上看都是些很琐细的事，但他们对这些事非常敏感。

It might be the person who still doesn’t understand you have to tag someone in Slack to notify them of a message.

也许是那个还搞不清楚必须在Slack上标记某人才能收到消息提醒的人。

It might be the doors closing on a crowded lift, only for an arm to snake in and a voice to ask “room for one more?”

也许是当电梯里挤满了人，门正要关上时，结果一只胳膊伸了进来，然后一个声音问“还能再进一个吗？”

(If you were the size of a marmot, yes.)

(你要是只有土拨鼠那么大，那倒是可以。)

It might be a particularly heavy tread or an even heavier perfume.

也许是一种非常重的脚步声，或者是一种味道更重的香水。

It might be the way someone insists on using the word “pivot”.

也许是某人说话非要用“轴点”这个词。

It might be anything, frankly—which means that for some of your colleagues it might also be you.

坦率地说，什么事情都有可能，这意味着对你的一些同事来说，让人心烦的也可能是你。

There is no cure for misergonia.

恐工症没有治愈良方。

The workplace is a collection of people in enforced and repeated proximity, their habits, noises and idiosyncrasies turning into something familiar for some colleagues and disproportionately grating for others.

工作场所就是一群人被强制地、反复地近距离相处，他们的习惯、噪音和癖好让一些同事感到习以为常，却让另一些同事感到万分恼火。

The only release is to go home, close the front door behind you and find your significant other tucking into an apple.

唯一的解脱就是回家，转身关上门，然后发现你生活上的另一半正在咔嚓咔嚓地大口吃苹果。