访谈录[Interview]2007-10-31:跟朋友说拜拜（在线收听）

Susan Shapiro Barash is the author of 'Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry' ; and psychologist Gail Saltz is here today contributing. Good morning to both of you.

Good morning.

So when, when is it time, when do you decide and how do you decide, you know what, this thing just isn’t working anymore. And you, Gail , believe honesty is the best policy?

You know what, I really do. Because I think frankly we take a lot of our friendships too lightly, unlike romantic relationships which we invest and think we do a million segments on. Friendships are important relationships and if you are gonna value something then honesty and real communication is one the only way to salvage it when it may need salvaging . And two, the only way to really get closure and end something so that someone doesn’t keep chasing it, feeling humiliated and sort of dragging it out.

So it's, it, you actually end on a good note in a sense.

Exactly, I think you don't burn a bridge that way.

So how do we know it’s time to end a relationship? The friendship.

I think when there are more negative possibilities in a friendship and there is nothing really good happening, when you are trying to avoid a friend, and for women, it’s even harder, it really is.

Why? What? Is it different for men and women?

I think it is. (Why?) Well, women, you know they hold the bars so high. They think it's their friends can heal all the ill, you know, an unhappy marriage, you confide in your friend, a troubled child. And so when a friend can't help you because her own life is so complicated then you feel that your friend let you down.

And then for men?

You know, what men's friendships tend to be based more on shared activities. They tend, I mean they sternly feel emotionally about their friends. You would say that outright. (Sure.) But maybe not as intensely or in such a complicated way. You know, for women especially, but for men too. We often choose our friends based on old stories, on old relationships they remind us of like a sibling relationship or parent relationship. And therefore for women they are often fraught with very complicated feelings that aren't actually about what's happening in the current relationship. But old stuff, and so it can be difficult to tell is what's going on right now more about me or about you. And that's a helpful thing to sort out before you decide to break off a relationship.

And is it usually about us more than the other person?

Well I think that women often think that they are sort of innate together, that their lives reflect to one another, they're sort of, but I would call the twining syndrome. (Alright) And it isn’t really like that. You know women have very individual lives.

So what is the best way to break up a friendship?

I think it depends partly on what kind of friendship we are talking about, coz there are many different kinds. If it's more of the casual relationship, you see them from time to time. I know people hate confrontation. And then it may be Okay to sort of just back off and let it go. But if this is a relationship you’ve invested in or a long-term friend, then honestly, first of all, try to fix it. Because that life history you share with that person, that’s not easily replaceable. But if you can't.

But what about, what about the friendships where, it's casual to you, (right) but to the other person, they seem to think that you are best friends. And there's a, there's a different level.

You are on a different page with each other?

But you have to admit that there is a problem. You have to admit that the give and take isn't equal or even close to equal. And then I think you can talk about it. But I agree with Gail. You have to talk about it.

You know, really, if you sat down and said in some sort of kind. I mean it should be kind. The point is not to blast the person away. To be thinking of them too. But just say, look, these things just aren’t working. You might first of all find out that you’ve been wrong that you’ve been thinking something is going on if they didn’t understand that could be repaired. And you might wanna try it again. But moreover, if it’s not gonna work, just say it flatly, just say, you know what, you are good person. (And don’t let it fade away.) don’t let it fade away, just say you are a good person, it’s not gonna work, it gives you both closure and it keeps both of you from feeling later that you are going to be hurt and have trouble investing in a new relationship. (Alright, Susan...)

And you have to remember it's as important as a love relationship, a marriage, these friendships are very very highly valued.

Alright, ladies, thank you so much. Good advice. (Thank you!) Susan Shapiro Barash and doctor Gail Saltz , thanks.
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