美国国家公共电台 NPR Advice For 'Grown-Ups' In Their 40s: 'Just Do What You Want More Often'

 

MARY LOUISE KELLY, HOST:

You know you're in your 40s when you become impatient while scrolling¹ down to your year of birth, you watch "The Graduate" and you identify with the parents, when you have bought a scale with a bigger digital display so you won't have to weigh yourself wearing glasses. You know you're in your 40s when you have decided² that eight hours of continuous, unmedicated sleep is one of life's great pleasures - actually, scratch unmedicated.

Those words of wisdom from Pamela Druckerman. She writes about turning 40 in her new book titled "There Are No Grown-Ups: A Midlife Coming-Of-Age Story." And, Pamela Druckerman, first of all, definitely scratch unmedicated.

(LAUGHTER)

KELLY: I will take hours any which way these days. Second of all, welcome to the program.

PAMELA DRUCKERMAN: Thank you so much for having me.

KELLY: Talk to me about your title, "There Are No Grown-ups."

DRUCKERMAN: It kind of was born from turning 40 and feeling like, wow, everyone is treating me like a grown-up, but I don't yet feel like one, or I don't feel like what I imagined a grown-up would feel like. And yet there were all these, you know, signs - some of them you just mentioned, like, you know, I couldn't wing it anymore on coffee and six hours' sleep. I needed my eight hours.

KELLY: Right.

DRUCKERMAN: Or I walked into a shop and the saleswoman would kind of gently steer³ me to the anti-aging cream.

KELLY: (Laughter).

DRUCKERMAN: I couldn't believe people knew - you know, I thought my 40s were going to be this kind of delicious secret that only I knew about. But it turned out, like, everyone else could tell, too.

KELLY: Yeah. You - I mean, one of the things you point out is that your 40s can be strangely devoid⁴ of milestones⁵, like, the big milestones by which we mark our life. And by our 40s, they seem either to be all behind us or all still to come.

DRUCKERMAN: Yeah. And the people who used to cheer us on who - our parents, our mentors⁶ - who said, good job; you're becoming a - you're building an adult life, those people are now kind of preoccupied⁷ with their doctors' appointments and getting their knees replaced. And then there's this whole other generation of people below you who you're supposed to be cheering on, whether they're your kids or people that are working for you. So it's a kind of new, very confusing place in the lifespan. Victor Hugo called it the old age of youth. And my daughter once just said to me, Mommy, you're not old, but you're definitely not young anymore.

KELLY: (Laughter) What was your response?

DRUCKERMAN: We were in a very well-lit elevator at the moment. And so I glanced in the mirror and thought, oh, my God, you're right.

KELLY: Oh, my God, you have a point. Part of what you write about in this book is how to say no because your 40s can be so busy. I mean, as you say, you've got your - your career is often in full swing. If you have kids, they need you. Your parents often need you. You have a couple of pointers in here for how to edit your life. Give me your top one or two.

DRUCKERMAN: One of them is definitely to be able to disappoint someone. I think especially for women there's a kind of fear of saying no, a fear that, you know, if you say no too often, you're going to shut down all your possibilities. And in your 40s, you kind of know how things are likely to go. And you're better at saying, you know, that just doesn't suit me.

Some more advice that I got from someone which I thought was great was just do what you want more often. Don't be so worried about what other people expect. No one's going to be that disappointed that you don't want to have lunch with them. They'll get over it. And if you do the things that you want to do, those things go better. You know, eat what you - take as much as you want from the buffet⁸. Go back for seconds. Nobody's going to be offended. You know, just follow your own instincts, and things tend to work out better, rather than being self-conscious about them.

KELLY: This book is also very personal. I mean, you write about your childhood in Miami. You write about your marriage. You write about your sex life within that marriage. In other words, this is not some distant treatise⁹ where you're approaching this as an academic. And I wonder kind of how did you walk that walk, trying to write a book that is, in part, journalism¹⁰ but is also a memoir¹¹?

DRUCKERMAN: It's a very complicated hybrid¹² to write. I really - I very much wanted the book to have a beginning, middle and end. I wanted it to be a story. I wanted there to be suspense¹³. I wanted you to wait to find out what would happen. I read somewhere - someone said if it doesn't hurt when you're writing a memoir, then you're not doing it right. And this one definitely hurt.

KELLY: I mean, if I could press on that one, in what way?

DRUCKERMAN: Well, when I was 41, I had very bad back pain, and it turned out to be non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. And I had three little kids and a book about to come out - my previous book. And I was suddenly confronted with death. I mean, I think in the 40s, you are confronted with that. You've reached this kind of now-or-never phase of life. But for me, it was quite an advanced diagnosis¹⁴, and I really had to confront a lot of - some very dark possibilities.

KELLY: I guess the possibility that your 40s might be the end.

DRUCKERMAN: Yes. But thank God the treatment worked. I was fortunate that there are lots of new treatments. But it was a - I think a lot of people say after they're ill that they change their whole life, that they realized what they really wanted. And for me, it was a process of realizing that I love my life. And it kind of deepened everything that I just want it all more.

KELLY: Yeah. You live in France. You've been in Paris for more than a decade now, right?

DRUCKERMAN: Fourteen years.

KELLY: Well, your previous book, "Bringing Up Bebe," was all about how the French are really good at raising kids. And in this book, you do seem to argue that the French, along with annoyingly being thinner and better cooks and better-dressed than the rest of us, that they also do middle age better.

DRUCKERMAN: Well, one difference I found, which I - it's a small adjustment, but I found it quite inspiring - is in America, the idea is you try to look as young as you can for as long as you can. And when that stops working, you kind of blame yourself and feel like a failure. And the French have this slightly different ideal, which is to be the best version of the age that you are, to be comfortable in your own age. And that was both more calming and a lot more realistic, I thought.

KELLY: And are you able to do that? Have you lived long enough in Paris that you've succeeded at embracing this philosophy?

DRUCKERMAN: You know, I'm only in my 40s, so ask me again in a decade or two if I'm doing it. But, yeah, I try to focus on that.

KELLY: Well, Pamela Druckerman, it has been a pleasure. Thank you.

DRUCKERMAN: Thank you so much for having me.

KELLY: Her new book is titled "There Are No Grown-ups." And, Pamela Druckerman, I wonder if you would read us out. You've got a closing thought on page 259.

DRUCKERMAN: Sure. (Reading) There are stages of becoming a grown-up. First, you definitely aren't one. Then you pretend to be one. Then you're sure that there are no grown-ups, that they're mythological¹⁵ and don't really exist. And then finally, maybe one day in your 40s, you just are one. This doesn't feel anything like you'd imagined. It's not all-knowing, omnipotent¹⁶ and large. It's humble¹⁷, solid and small. But at long last, it feels like you. And you think just then that this is the best age of all.

(SOUNDBITE OF BUSHY SONG, "THERE'S A LIGHT")

1 scrolling   

n.卷[滚]动法，上下换行v.（电脑屏幕上）从上到下移动（资料等），卷页( scroll的现在分词 )；（似卷轴般）卷起；（像展开卷轴般地）将文字显示于屏幕

参考例句：

• Another important detail required by auto-scrolling is a time delay. 自动滚屏需要的另一个重要细节是时间延迟。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓
• In 2D visualization and drawing applications, vertical and horizontal scrolling are common. 在二维的可视化及绘图应用中，垂直和水平滚动非常普遍。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓

2 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

3 steer   

vt.驾驶，为…操舵；引导；vi.驾驶

参考例句：

• If you push the car, I'll steer it.如果你来推车，我就来驾车。
• It's no use trying to steer the boy into a course of action that suits you.想说服这孩子按你的方式行事是徒劳的。

4 devoid   

adj.全无的，缺乏的

参考例句：

• He is completely devoid of humour.他十分缺乏幽默。
• The house is totally devoid of furniture.这所房子里什么家具都没有。

5 milestones   

n.重要事件( milestone的名词复数 )；重要阶段；转折点；里程碑

参考例句：

• Several important milestones in foreign policy have been passed by this Congress and they can be chalked up as major accomplishments. 这次代表大会通过了对外政策中几起划时代的事件，并且它们可作为主要成就记录下来。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• Dale: I really envy your milestones over the last few years, Don. 我真的很羡慕你在过去几年中所建立的丰功伟绩。 来自互联网

6 mentors   

n.（无经验之人的）有经验可信赖的顾问( mentor的名词复数 )v.（无经验之人的）有经验可信赖的顾问( mentor的第三人称单数 )

参考例句：

• Beacham and McNamara, my two mentors, had both warned me. 我的两位忠实朋友，比彻姆和麦克纳马拉都曾经警告过我。 来自辞典例句
• These are the kinds of contacts that could evolve into mentors. 这些人是可能会成为你导师。 来自互联网

7 preoccupied   

adj.全神贯注的，入神的；被抢先占有的；心事重重的v.占据（某人）思想，使对…全神贯注，使专心于( preoccupy的过去式)

参考例句：

• He was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice anything wrong. 他只顾想着心事，没注意到有什么不对。
• The question of going to the Mount Tai preoccupied his mind. 去游泰山的问题盘踞在他心头。 来自《简明英汉词典》

8 buffet   

n.自助餐；饮食柜台；餐台

参考例句：

• Are you having a sit-down meal or a buffet at the wedding?你想在婚礼中摆桌宴还是搞自助餐？
• Could you tell me what specialties you have for the buffet?你能告诉我你们的自助餐有什么特色菜吗？

9 treatise   

n.专著；(专题)论文

参考例句：

• The doctor wrote a treatise on alcoholism.那位医生写了一篇关于酗酒问题的论文。
• This is not a treatise on statistical theory.这不是一篇有关统计理论的论文。

10 journalism   

n.新闻工作，报业

参考例句：

• He's a teacher but he does some journalism on the side.他是教师，可还兼职做一些新闻工作。
• He had an aptitude for journalism.他有从事新闻工作的才能。

11 memoir   

n.[pl.]回忆录，自传；记事录

参考例句：

• He has just published a memoir in honour of his captain.他刚刚出了一本传记来纪念他的队长。
• In her memoir,the actress wrote about the bittersweet memories of her first love.在那个女演员的自传中，她写到了自己苦乐掺半的初恋。

12 hybrid   

n.(动，植）杂种，混合物

参考例句：

• That is a hybrid perpetual rose.那是一株杂交的四季开花的蔷薇。
• The hybrid was tall,handsome,and intelligent.那混血儿高大、英俊、又聪明。

13 suspense   

n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑

参考例句：

• The suspense was unbearable.这样提心吊胆的状况实在叫人受不了。
• The director used ingenious devices to keep the audience in suspense.导演用巧妙手法引起观众的悬念。

14 diagnosis   

n.诊断，诊断结果，调查分析，判断

参考例句：

• His symptoms gave no obvious pointer to a possible diagnosis.他的症状无法作出明确的诊断。
• The engineer made a complete diagnosis of the bridge's collapse.工程师对桥的倒塌做一次彻底的调查分析。

15 mythological   

adj.神话的

参考例句：

• He is remembered for his historical and mythological works. 他以其带有历史感和神话色彩的作品而著称。
• But even so, the cumulative process had for most Americans a deep, almost mythological significance. 不过即使如此，移民渐增的过程，对于大部分美国人，还是意味深长的，几乎有不可思议的影响。

16 omnipotent   

adj.全能的，万能的

参考例句：

• When we are omnipotent we shall have no more need of science.我们达到万能以后就不需要科学了。
• Money is not omnipotent,but we can't survive without money.金钱不是万能的，但是没有金钱我们却无法生存。

17 humble   

adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低

参考例句：

• In my humble opinion,he will win the election.依我拙见，他将在选举中获胜。
• Defeat and failure make people humble.挫折与失败会使人谦卑。