雅思写作批改实例：欧洲鱼肉消费量

 　　WRITING TASK 1 (题目：剑7-2)

　　The line graph illustrates¹ changes (1) in fish and meat consumption in a European country from 1979 to 2004.

　　1. 前面加上the.

　　As can be seen from the graph, beef was the best sell (2) in 1979, standing² at 220 grams per person per week. The consumption of chicken and lamb came next (3) with comparatively similar figure (some 150 grams), while much less fish was consumed (3) with only 60 grams.

　　2. best sell可不能直接作名词哦，名词是bestseller，不过这个词一般只用来表示“畅销书”。这里可以改为best-selling meat.

　　3. 这里最好加一个逗号。

　　However, things changed a lot (4) during the (5) 25-year period. The amounts of beef and lamb consumed dropped dramatically to 100 grams and 55 grams respectively in 2004. The consumption of fish showed a slightly different picture, which kept stable at around 50 grams. In sharp contrast, the consumption of fish (6) experienced a significant increase, overtaking that of lamb and beef in 1980 and 1990 correspondingly. It reached a peak of 250 grams in 2004, which was almost doubled (7) comparing to that in 1979. (8)

　　4. a lot是口语词，写作中禁止使用!可改为significantly。

　　5. 这里最好加上一个following. 在接下来的25年期间。

　　6. 这个应该是笔误吧?应当是chicken.

　　7. 请牢记double, triple/treble, quadruple的用法!这个词是不及物动词，直接作谓语就可以，前面不要加be动词!这里其实你想表示的是“A是B的两倍”，应该用横向比较的公式A is twice/ …times that of B就可以了。改为which was nearly twice the amount in 1979。也可以改为which almost doubled over the 25 years.

　　8. 关于项目的描写顺序：写完下降的以后，建议立即写上升的。这样用In sharp contrast 连接才恰当。基本不变的应该放到最后来写。范文中的处理方法是把鱼肉当做是下降的，所以跟牛羊放在一起写了。而你写的是基本稳定，故而放在最后比较合适。

　　To sum up, the graph shows that the consumption of meat was always higher than that of fish. In addition, it also indicates enormous changes among different kinds of meat.

　　9. 结论段只需交代主比(本图中为纵比)即可。你的第一句话是横比，一般建议放在背景数据段(全文第二段)来写，这里其实不写问题也不大。另外，纵比的结论写得有点模糊，应该写出上升的和下降的。模糊的结论毫无价值，不写也罢。

　　SAMPLE ANSWER:

　　To sum up, over the 25 years, while the consumption of chicken rose sharply, the popularity of others kinds of meat and fish underwent a decline.

1 illustrates   

给…加插图( illustrate的第三人称单数 )； 说明； 表明； （用示例、图画等）说明

参考例句：

• This historical novel illustrates the breaking up of feudal society in microcosm. 这部历史小说是走向崩溃的封建社会的缩影。
• Alfred Adler, a famous doctor, had an experience which illustrates this. 阿尔弗莱德 - 阿德勒是一位著名的医生，他有过可以说明这点的经历。 来自中级百科部分

2 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。