Was this what God wanted me to do with my life? I felt afraid, thinking that I might not be able to say "no" to St. John.
"St. John, don't choose me!" I cried. But I knew that St. John would not understand my feelings. [-----1-----], no matter how bad it was.
"God wants you to be a missionary's wife--my wife," he continued. "Trust in Him, Jane. Marry me, to please God."
"St. John, I can't do that. I can't marry you and go to India. I'm not strong enough." I said desperately.
"I know how hard you can work, Jane. You can help me with the India women, and teach English to many students." [-----2-----]. I believed I could live in India with St. John, because the work would be rewarding and interesting. "Yes, I could do that. But I know he doesn't love me, and yet he still asks me to marry him! Why?" I thought. After a while, I said.
"St. John, I will go with you to India, but as your cousin, not as your wife."
He shook his head. "No, Jane. As my cousin, you could marry some other man any time and leave me. I need a wife, who will obey me and stay with my until death."
Even though I did not want to go, I felt St. John's power over me already. "I could go with you to India as a friend, but [-----3-----]. I will always give my heart to God, but you don't want it, St. John. You don't love me, and I don't love you," I said to him gently |