Self-esteem is what people think about themselves - whether or not they feel valued - and when family members have self-respect, pride, and belief in themselves, this high self-esteem makes it possible to cope with the everyday problems or growing up.
Successful parenting begins by communicating to children that they belong, and are loved for no other reason than just because they exist. Through touch and tone of voice parents tell their infants whether or not they are valued, special, and loved, and it is these messages that form the basis of the child's self-esteem. When children grow up with love and are made to feel lovable despite their mistakes and failures, they are able to interact with others in a responsible, honest, and loving way. A healthy self-esteem is a resource for coping when difficulties arise, making it easier to see a problem as temporary, manageable, and something from which the individual can emerge.
If, however, children grow up without hove and without feelings of self-worth, they feel unlovable and worthless and expect to be cheated, taken advantage of, and looked down upon by others. Ultimately their actions invite this treatment, and their self-defeating behavior turns expectations into reality. They do not have the personal resources to handle everyday problems in a healthy way, and life may be viewed as just one crisis after another. Without a healthy self-esteem they may cope by acting out problems rather than talking them out or by withdrawing and remaining indifferent toward themselves and others. These individuals grow up to live isolated, lonely lives, lacking the ability to give the love that they have never received.
Self-esteem is a kind of energy, and when it is high, people feel like they can handle anything. It is what one feels when special things are happening or everything is going great. A word of praise, a smile, a good grade on a report card, or doing something that creates pride within oneself can create this energy. When feelings about the self have been threatened and self-esteem is low, everything becomes more of an effort. It is difficult to hear, see, or think clearly, and others seem rude, inconsiderate, and rough. The problem is not with others, it is with the self, but often it is not until energies are back to normal that the real problem is recognized.
Children need help understanding that their self-esteem and the self-esteem of those they interact with have a direct effect on each other. For example, a little girl comes home from school and says, "I need lovings 'cause my feelings got hurt today." The mother responds to her child's need to be held and loved. If instead the mother said she was too busy to hold the little girl, the outcome would have been different.
The infant's self-esteem is totally dependent on family members, and it is not until about the time the child enters school that outside forces contribute to feelings about the self. A child must also learn that a major resource for a healthy self-esteem comes for within. Some parents raise their children to depend on external rather than internal reinforcement through practices such as paying for good grades on report cards or exchanging special privileges for good behavior. The child learns to rely on others to maintain a high self-esteem and is not prepared to live in a world in which desirable behavior does not automatically produce a tangible reward such as a smile, money, or special privileges.
Maintaining a healthy self-esteem is challenge that continues throughout life. One family found that they could help each other identify positive attitudes. One evening during an electric storm the family gathered around the kitchen table, and each person wrote down two things that they liked about each family member. These pieces of paper were folded and given to the appropriate person, who one by one opened their special messages. The father later commented, "It was quite an experience, opening each little piece of paper and reading the message. I still have those gifts, and when I've had a really bad day, I read through them and I always come away feeling better."
The foundation of a healthy family depends on the ability of the parents to communicate messages of love, trust, and self-worth to each child. This is the basis on which self-esteem is built, and as the child grows, self-esteem changes from a collection of other's feelings to become personal feelings about the self. Ultimately a person's self-esteem is reflected in the way he or she interacts with others.
自尊是人们对自己的看法――他们是否感到受到重视――当家庭成员有了自尊、自豪、自信时，这种高度的自尊使人们有可能妥善处理孩子们成长的日常问题。
成功的育儿之道是第一步是让孩子们知道，他们上家庭的一份子，他们受宠爱唯一的原因就是因为他们自身的存在。通过抚摸和声音的语调，父母告诉他们的幼儿他们是否受到重视、是否很特别、是否被爱。正是这些信息形成了孩子自尊的基础。当孩子们在爱的关怀下成长，不管他们是错误或失败，都使他们感觉到讨人喜爱时，他们就能用可依赖的、诚实的和爱的方式与别人交往。当出现困难时，他们就能用可依赖的、诚实的和爱的方式与别人交往。当出现困难时，健康的自尊心是一种解决困难的手段，使之容易把问题看作是暂的，能处理的，个人可以从中解脱出来。
然而，如果孩子们盛开在没有爱、没有自我价值感的氛围当中，他们感到不讨人喜欢、没有价值，料想可能被别人欺骗、利用和看不起。他们的行为最终导致了这种结果，他们的自我挫败的行为把预想变成了现实。他们没有以健康的方式处理日常问题的个人对策，生活在他们看来是一个又一个危机。由于没有健康的自尊心，他们在处理问题时，不是提出问题，而是用行动把问题表现出来，或是采取退缩以及对自己和他人保持冷漠的态度。这些人长大以后过着与世隔绝的孤独生活，缺乏给予爱的能力，这种爱他们也从未得到过。
自尊心是一种能量。自尊心强的时，人们感觉好像能够处理任何事情。这就是当特殊事情发生或一切进行得很顺利时一个人的感觉。一句赞扬的话、一个微笑、成绩报告卡上的一个好分数，或者做王码电脑公司软件中心些使自己引以自豪有事，都能产生这种能量。当自我感觉受到威胁，自尊心不足时，任何事在更大程度上都变成了一种需要费力去做的负担。很难听清楚、看清楚、想清楚，其他人都似乎没有礼貌、不体谅人、粗暴。问题并不在别人，是在自己。但常常直到恢复到正常的精神状态，人们才认识到真正的问题所在。
孩子们需要帮助为理解，他们的自尊和与他们交往的人的自尊彼此相互影响。例如：一个小女孩从学校回家说："我需要爱抚，因为今天我的感情受到伤害了。"妈妈应回应她的孩子对被爱抚和被爱的需要。如果反之，妈妈说她太心不能爱抚这个小女孩子，结果就不同了。
婴幼儿的自尊完全依赖家庭成员。直到孩子上学时，外界的力量才对孩子的自我感觉产生影响。孩子必须明白健康的首尊主要来自内部一些父母在实践中培养他们的孩子依靠外部因素而不是内部强化。例如，孩子的成绩单上有好成绩就可以得到奖赏，或者他们有了好的行为就给他们一些优待。孩子们学会了依靠别人来保持高度的自尊，却对现实世界的生活没有丝毫准备，因为在现实世界中，令人满意的行为并不会自动带来实在的奖励，如微笑、金钱或特权。
保持健康的自尊心是持续一生的挑战。一个家庭发现他们可以互相帮助，确定积极的态度。一个电闪雷鸣的晚上，一家人围坐在厨房桌子周围，每个人写下两件他们关于每一个家庭成员的事。这些纸折叠起来给了相应的人，他们一个接一个打开他们的特殊讯息。父亲后来评论说："打开每张字条看上面写的东西，那真是很好的感受。我依然保存着那些礼貌，当我遇到一个特别糟糕的日子时，看看它们，我总会从中解脱出来，感觉好多了。"健康家庭的基础是靠父母传达给每一个孩子爱、自尊心从别人的感受变为自我的感受。最终，一个人的自尊心就反映在他与别人交往的方式上
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