[00:06.96]Halfwit troglodytes are a dime a dozen. 半调子的山顶洞人到处都是

　　[00:10.44]You'd better be right. 你最好没说错

　　[00:12.48]Because you gotta find me another one or else we're canceled. 本周内要找人取代他,否则停播

　　[00:13.16]l'll find one by the end of the day. 我今天之内就能找到

　　[00:17.72]Not really. l'm just-- That's just a joke, everybody. 我是玩笑话啦,各位

　　[00:20.92]l can't believe l allowed myself to feel for him. 我竟然让自己对他有感觉

　　[00:24.96]Well, you felt enough something to break up with Colin. l'm sorry. 你有足够的感觉跟柯林分手 抱歉

　　[00:27.48]Okay, here are the Mike Chadway replacements. 这些是查麦克的替代人选

　　[00:30.44]-Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no. -''Fuck no.'' All right. - 行、不行、行、不行…差太多了 - 差太多了,好

　　[00:34.00]So, what do you think of the new set? 新环境不错吧?

　　[00:37.28]l love it. 我喜欢

　　[00:38.08]KS XP retained the copyright to your old segment title... KSXP保留你节目名称的版权

　　[00:43.24]...so we retitled you: Morning Madness With Mike. 所以我们改了名称叫 《麦克疯》

　　[00:47.92]Love it. 我喜欢

　　[00:49.72]-And this is Joe, your new producer. -Hi. - 这是小裘,你的新制片 - 嗨

　　[00:53.60]You know what l like best about you, Joe? 你知道我最中意你哪一点吗?

　　[00:57.20]ls l don't wanna have sex with you at all. 我完全不想跟你嘿咻

　　[00:58.36]l'm relieved to hear that. 我真是如释重负

　　[01:34.48]Which side is better? Right, left, full frontal? 哪边好看?右、左、正面

　　[01:37.12]They're all great. Can we go over your intro one more time? 都很帅 能不能再跑一次开场?

　　[01:42.80]-''l'm Jack Magnum, and this is....'' -The Ugly Truth. - 〝我是马杰克,欢迎收看…〞 - 《真相挖挖哇》

　　[01:49.16]Okay. Let's maybe lose the gun thing. 好,去掉比枪的手势

　　[01:52.84]What? Gun's my signature move. 怎么?这是我的招牌动作

　　[01:55.12]Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month... 除非枪枝协会买广告时段

　　[01:57.20]...l say lose the effing gun. 否则别比枪了

　　[01:58.40]All right, we're live in five, four, three.... 好,倒数五、四、三…

　　[02:02.16]Two, one. 二、一

　　[02:05.16]-Think this guy's any good? -He better be. - 这家伙行吗? - 最好是行

　　[02:06.24]I'm Jack Magnum, and this is The Ugly Truth. 我是马杰克 欢迎收看《真相挖挖哇》

　　[02:11.40]-Peace. -Oh, Jesus. He's going political. - 和平 - 天哪!怎么会走政治路线?

　　[02:15.88]We'll do a couple questions with the balloon pilot... 好,我们要问气球驾驶几个问题

　　[02:17.56]...about how often couples get it on in-flight, and then we're out. 情侣多常在上面嘿咻,然后结尾

　　[02:22.44]Got it. 了解

　　[02:23.28]-Check it out. Your replacement's on. -Jack Magnum. - 快看,你的接班人上了 - 马杰克

　　[02:28.64]-My what? -How's it going, Jack? - 我的什么? - 还好吗?

　　[02:29.32]Your replacement? 你的接班人

　　[02:29.60]Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks. 你们看节目是想学习怎么把妹

　　[02:33.80]Well, let me assure you, you're in good hands. 我向各位保证 你们找对人了

　　[02:37.16]You're looking at a guy... 你们眼前的人

　　[02:40.96]...who personally has had sex with over 1 3 7 women. 曾经跟超过一百三十七个妹嘿咻过

　　[02:44.12]Most of them conscious. 她们大多神智清楚

　　[02:46.52]-This is beautiful. -Now, we're at the balloon festival... - 这可好玩了 - 我们在热气球节现场

　　[02:50.60]...and l'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air. 我本该说男人脑袋跟气球一样空

　　[02:53.00]But l think we all know, it's the ladies that are full of crap. 不过我们都知道,女人脑袋才空

　　[02:57.76]Just because she says no, doesn't mean she means no. 当她说〝不〞 并不代表她真的不要

　　[03:02.40]lf that were the case, l'd have only 90 women-- 这样的话,我嘿咻记录就只剩 九十个了

　　[03:07.20]-Okay. All right. -What the hell? - 好吧 - 搞什么鬼?

　　[03:08.76]Did she--? 你有没有…

　　[03:12.48]Welcome back. 欢迎回来

　　[03:14.68]lt looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulty. 看来我们碰上一些技术问题

　　[03:17.52]Yeah, when you have a wine festival.... 是啊,红酒节的现场…

　　[03:18.80]Okay, l got it. 换我来

　　[03:22.32]-Hi. -We're back. - 嗨 - 播报继续

　　[03:25.52]l'm sorry... 很抱歉

　　[03:25.56]...but Jack Magnum will no longer be able to do The Ugly Truth. 不过马杰克不再主持 《真相挖挖哇》节目

　　[03:32.56]...because men are completely unreliable. 因为男人都不可靠

　　[03:32.88]Which should really come as no surprise... 这没啥大不了的

　　[03:37.60]What is she doing? 她在干嘛?

　　[03:40.00]Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, l know. We're fixing it. 喂?哈洛?是的 我知道,我们正在修理

　　[03:42.96]Take Mike Chadway, for instance. 就拿查麦克来说吧

　　[03:43.76]He up and quit the show without so much as a word. 他一声不吭的就不干了

　　[03:47.28]You think you know what men are gonna do, you think you know... 你以为你知道男人会怎么做

　　[03:50.04]...what men want to do. 你以为你知道男人想怎么做

　　[03:53.32]But when it comes down to that moment... 不过当那一刻来临

　　[03:55.44]...where they actually need to step up and, I don't know, make a move... 那个需要他们勇往直前 采取行动时

　　[03:58.28]...they chicken out. 他们却龟缩落跑了

　　[04:01.60]-l am all over this. -Where are you going? - 我受够了 - 你去哪?

　　[04:04.24]-We're live in two. -lt's going great, isn't it? - 就快进现场直播了 - 很赞吧?

　　[04:04.72]The big, strong, brave men that we've all been reading about... 我们从小在小说上看到

　　[04:10.12]...in novels and watching in movies since we were 9 years old... 甚至在电影里看到的

　　[04:11.20]...that's a fallacy. They don't exist. 那些高大强壮威猛的男人? 都是假的,根本不存在

　　[04:15.72]Men are not strong. Men are not brave. 男人既不强壮也不威猛

　　[04:19.96]Men are afraid. 男人胆小如鼠

　　[04:21.68]lt's all part of the show. lt's an Andy Kaufman thing we're doing. 是节目效果,走麻辣呛声风

　　[04:25.96]Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator... 就算他们在饭店电梯里有机会

　　[04:30.52]...and it's totally romantic and full of potential... 就算气氛浪漫又有搞头

　　[04:32.96]...men are incapable of copping to it. 男人还是无法面对

　　[04:36.76]Because why? 因为…为什么?

　　[04:38.04]Men are weak. 男人很脆弱

　　[04:41.32]Let me tell you something about women. 让我来告诉你们女人的真面目吧

　　[04:46.68]-Hey. -Woman would have us believe... - 嘿 - 女人让我们相信

　　[04:48.88]...that they are the victims. That we break their hearts for sport. 她们是受害者 说我们喜欢敲碎她们的心

　　[04:53.04]-l thought he quit. -That's crap. - 我以为他不干了 - 胡扯

　　[04:53.84]See? l told you we'd get him back. 我就说我们会把他弄回来

　　[04:55.56]They say they want true love, but all they want is a checklist. 她们说只要真爱 可是却用条件来筛选对象

　　[05:00.92]ls he perfect? ls he handsome? ls he a doctor? 他完美吗?他帅吗? 他是不是医生?