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The One With The Flashback
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Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
{Transcriber's Note: Rachel has two friends that are not named, so I referred to them as Friend No. 1 and Friend No. 2.}
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[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there including Janice.]
Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?
Phoebe: Wow, it抯 like a dirty math problem.
Ross: I抦 sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.
Joey: Well, that抯 really a different question.
Janice: I抦 sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica and Rachel: What?!!
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let抯 say there was. How might that go?
Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost?
Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee?
Ross: Yeah, I抣l take some.
Joey: Hey, there抯 a dog out there!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe抯, three years earlier, Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there]
Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight.
Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, I抣l be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I抦 sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
Phoebe: You didn抰 leave lipstick marks on the phone.
Monica: Oh, then it must抳e been you. Bye. (leaves)
Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) That抯 why I moved out.
Ross: Hey, y'know while we抮e on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don抰 live here anymore.
Phoebe: I think on some levels she already knows.
Ross: Phoebe, she doesn抰 know that you sneak out every night, she doesn抰 know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn抰 know that you抳e been living with your Grandmother抯 for a week now.
Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels.
Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: I抦 never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let抯 see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that抯 plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I抦 not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone 慍handler Bing,?he said 慦hoa-whoa, short message.?
Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the coffee table), foot on the floor or come over no more!
Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices.
Monica: What?
Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo...
Chandler: Umm, how抯 it going with you guys?
Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn抰 really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think it抯 gonna make a difference
[Scene: Chandler抯, Chandler is interviewing a potential roommate.]
Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?
Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that抯 cool.
Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never.
Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister抯 beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, she抯 a porn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half)
Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you抮e chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)
[Scene: Chandler抯, Chandler is interviewing Joey.]
Chandler: (running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye.
Joey: Don抰 you ah, don抰 you wanna ask me any questions?
Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What抯 up?
Joey: Well, ah, I抦 an actor. I抦 fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don抰 worry I抦 totally okay with the gay thing.
Chandler: What gay thing?
Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I抦 totally cool with that.
[Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the stairs.]
Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by.
(Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica notices him)
Monica: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
(Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler 慜h my God!?
[Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Hey, Mon.
Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks.
Chandler: Do I ever.
Monica: Chris says they抮e closing down the bar.
Chandler: No way!
Monica: Yeah, apparently they抮e turning it into some kinda coffee place.
Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?
Monica: Got me.
Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.
Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate?
Chandler: You betcha!
Monica: Is it the Italian guy?
Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right!
Monica: He抯 so cute.
Chandler: Oh yes, and that抯 what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.
Monica: Oh look, the pool table抯 free. Rack 慹m up. I抣l be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Chandler: Okay, but after that, we抮e shootin?some pool.
Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don抰 think this is.
Waitress: I am so sorry.
Rachel: That抯 all right. (to her friends) I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?
Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS
Rachel: Ummm, I think it抯 time to see the ring again. (holds her hand out and they all scream)
Friend No. 2: Oh, isn抰 it exciting, I mean it抯 like having a boyfriend for life.
Rachel: Yeah, I know.
Friend No. 1: What?
Rachel: Oh, I don抰 know. Well maybe it抯 just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don抰 know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. (Chandler is listening in very intensely)
Friend No. 1: Rachel stop!
Friend No. 2: You抮e so bad!
Rachel: I抦 serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see.
(Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.)
Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Rachel: Yeah, so?
Chandler: (picks it up) And now I抳e picked it up again. (walks over to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!
Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? (shows her, her ring)
Monica: Oh my God, you can抰 even see where the Titanic hit it.
Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he抯 a doctor, thank you very much.
Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations
Rachel: Thank you. So how-how 慴out you, are-are you seeing anybody?
Monica: Aww, not right now.
Rachel: Oh, but that抯 okay.
Monica: I know.
Rachel: Yeah.
(An awkward silence)
Monica: So, I抣l get-get back to my friend.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a 慠emember me??thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I抦 in the city?
Monica: Oh, that抎 be great.
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Bye!
Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe抯, Ross is on the phone, as Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.]
Ross: No real-, honey, really it抯 fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Phoebe: So what are they doing?
Ross: I don抰 know, something girlie.
Phoebe: (to Monica, who抯 entering) Hey, you抮e early.
Monica: What are you doing with the lamp?
Phoebe: I抦 just taking it to be re-wired.
Monica: Oh, well don抰 take it to the same place you took the stereo, 慶ause they抳e had that thing for over a week.
(There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr. Heckles)
Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.
Mr. Heckles: You抮e disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don抰 play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
Phoebe: Then I抦 gonna have to ask you to keep it down. (slams the door in his face.)
(in the hallway, Eric is moving in)
Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?
Eric: Hi, I抦 Eric, I抦 gonna be Chandler抯 new roommate.
Mr. Heckles: I抦 Chandler抯 new roommate.
Eric: I-I-I don抰 think so.
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler抯 new roommate.
Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Eric: That抯 weird.
Mr. Heckles: Well, I抦 going to go into my new apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens it) Ehh! (Eric leaves)
(inside Chandler抯 apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
[Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is leaving.]
Monica: Hi, again.
Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment)
Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey!
Monica: Thank you soo, much.
Chandler: Oh, don抰 thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.
(Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to pick up a heavy box)
Monica: You want some help with that?
Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I don抰!
Monica: Whoa! Are you okay?
Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.
Monica: It抯 the heat. (has her hand on his chest, and then pulls it away) And-and the humidity.
Joey: That抯 a uh, that抯 a tough combination.
Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Joey: Like you wouldn抰 believe. (they go into the apartment) Wow! This is a great place.
Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.
Joey: Gotcha.
Monica: This place is really my Grandmother抯. (Joey starts to take off all of his clothes, while Monica gets the glasses and pours the lemonade.) I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I抦 87 year old woman, who抯 afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty?
Joey: Oh, you bet I am!
Monica: (turning around) Okay, here抯 your penis!
Commercial Break
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Monica: So?!
Joey: Whoa, ah!! We抮e you just gonna give me some lemonade?
Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
Joey: Oh right, right.
Monica: I don抰 believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex?
Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I抦 such a jerk.
Monica: It抯 okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe抯, Monica is vacuuming.]
Monica: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Monica: Where抯 your bed?
Phoebe: It抯 not in the apartment? (Monica gives a 慍ome on?look) Oh no. I can抰 believe this is happening again.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I抳e, I don抰 live here anymore.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: I抦 sorry, I-I-I-I don抰 live here anymore. I-I didn抰 know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows!
Monica: Everybody knows!
Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn抰 sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.
Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over.
Phoebe: Yeah, I would抳e except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side.
Monica: What?!?!
Phoebe: Okay, this is what I抦 talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill.
Monica: You can spill. In the sink.
Phoebe: Aw, honey it抯 not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don抰 see that happening.
Monica: I love you, too.
Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What?
Monica: What? I抦 just said.
Phoebe: No you抮e not, you抮e wondering which cushion it is.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his bedroom.]
Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?
Joey: Baywatch.
Chandler: What抯 it about?
Joey: Lifeguards.
Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Who抯 she?
Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.
(Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.)
Chandler: Wow! Look at them run.
Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?
Chandler: Yeah, I抣l go get one.
Joey: No, no, no, don抰 get up, I got a cooler right here.
[Scene: Monica抯, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Well, hello!
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Do you have any beers? We抮e out of beers.
Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself.
Chandler: You okay?
Monica: Phoebe moved out.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: I don抰 understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I don抰 have a boyfriend?
Chandler: Noo!! You don抰 have a boyfriend because....I don抰, I don抰 know why you don抰 have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.
Monica: Well, I think so.
Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I抳e ever known in real life.
[Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the bar, they are the only two in the place.]
Ross: (all depressed) Hi. Where is everybody?
Phoebe: Oh, it抯 already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong?
Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why?
Ross: 慍ause Carol抯 a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) And, and I抦 not one. And apparently it抯 not a mix and match situation.
Phoebe: Oh my God! I don抰 believe it! Oh, you poor bunny.
Ross: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts to poor himself a drink, many drinks) I抦 an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I抎 be out and she抎, she抎 see some beautiful woman, and, and she抎 be Ross y'know look at her, and I抎 think, God, my wife is cool!
Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?
Ross: Well, now I do!!
Phoebe: I抦 sorry.
Ross: Seven years. I mean we抳e been together seven years, she抯 the only woman who抯 ever loved me, and the only woman I抳e-I抳e ever....
Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh.(goes over and hugs him)
[Scene: Monica抯, Chandler and Monica are still hugging each other.]
Chandler: Umm, this is nice.
Monica: I know, it is isn抰 it?
Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?
Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too.
Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device.
Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, it抯, it抯 gonna be....
Monica: I know. Thanks. (Chandler leaves)
[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]
Ross: Maybe this would抳e happened if I抎 been more nurturing, or I抎 paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I can抰 believe this!
Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you don抰 deserve this, you don抰 Ross. You抮e, you抮e really, you抮e so good. (kisses him on the cheek)
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: And you抮e so sweet. (kisses him on the other cheek) And you抮e kind (kisses him on the lips)
Ross: Thanks. (kisses her on the lips)
(They pause, and they the start kissing passionately, and taking off each others clothes, and they start to lie down on the pool table.)
Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe: Huh?
(Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking the balls to the other end of the table, but they all bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw them into the pockets.)
Phoebe: Okay, it抯 okay.
(Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down, Ross follows her and hits his head on the light hanging over the pool table.)
Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again)
Ross: Wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: No, I can抰 get it out.
Phoebe: Well, that抯 not something a girl wants to hear.
Ross: No, come on don抰 start. (they start kissing again) Ouch!
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls)
(They both look at each other and start laughing (Lisa almost lost it there), and sit up. Ross hits his head on the lamp again.)
Ross: Oh well. It probably would抳e been the most constructive solution.
Phoebe: You have chalk on your face.
Ross: Huh? (the rest of the gang enters)
Phoebe: Oh, Ross you抮e right, I don抰 know why I always thought this was real grass.
Monica: Hey, are you okay?
Ross: My wife抯 a lesbian.
Joey: Cool!!
Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands)
Ross: Hi.
Closing Credits
[Scene: the bar, Chandler is playing pool, as Rachel enters.]
Chandler: I can抰 believe you came back.
Rachel: Don抰 say anything. I don抰 wanna speak, I don抰 wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now.
(She hits the jukebox Fonzy style, and It抯 That Time of Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.)
Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her dream, she抯 in her car driving back from the city)
Rachel: What?
Friend No. 2: You missed the exit!
Rachel: Oh, sorry.
Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about?
Rachel: Um, (shyly) Barry.
Her Friends: Awwww!!
End
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