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The One With the Race Car Bed
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Written by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]
Ross: So I told Carl, 慛obody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.?But of course this went in one ear and out.....
Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he抯 Alan Alda.
Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
Phoebe: Who抯 singing?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they抮e watching Happy Days.]
Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanne.
Joey: Question. Was ah, 慐gg the Gellers!?the war cry of your neighbourhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice抯 ex-husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It抯 the Mattress King!
Joey: Booo!!
Chandler: (to Janice) Don抰 look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Matress King: (on TV) 慏espair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I抦 so depressed I抦 going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I抦 going medieval on prices!
Chandler: What a wank!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he抯 using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I抦 appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: (on TV) I抦 close. I抦 cheap. I抦 the king.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.]
Rachel: 慜kay. (listens) Okay, daddy we抣l see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.?(hangs up)
Ross: We?
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that抯 okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow抯 not so good, I抦 supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Rachel: Ross, my father doesn抰 hate you.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as 憌ethead?
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I抣l love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Chandler: (leaning in) I抣l go.
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, we抣l see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Guess what?
Ross: What?
Joey: I got a gig!
All: Yay!!
Chandler: See, that抯 why I could never be an actor. Because I can抰 say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can抰 say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
Monica: What抯 the part?
Joey: Well, it抯 not a part, no. I抦 teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! That抯 great.
All: Wow!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. It抯 like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: Y択now your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh! I don抰 know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice抯 ex-husband, that抯 like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the 憈hat went right over your head?motion) Woo!
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler抯 your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he抯 done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. I抦 Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don抰 have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.]
Joey: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 扝ey, the bell doesn抰 dismiss you, I dismiss you.?
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Joey: Yeah, it抯 this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I抦 so, so right for it, y'know, he抯 just like me. Except he抯 a boxer, and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Okay.
Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It抯 that bedroom there. (points to Monica抯 room)
Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don抰 say anything to Chandler.
Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe: Is that a problem?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let抯 see what you got. All right ya, put 慹m up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
Joey: Hey, you抮e ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren抰 acting Christian enough.
Joey: Ahh!
(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)
Joey: Hey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey抯 nose, causing it to bleed.)
Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I抦 bleeding.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey: Okay, great.
Phoebe: Wow! And I抦 a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I抦 sorry, we抣l put some ice on it.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: 慘ay, put your head back.
Joey: All right. I can抰 see.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Oh, it抯 the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.]
Rachel: Hi Daddy!
Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
Rachel: You remember Ross.
Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How抯 the library?
Ross: Ugh, museum.
Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr. Green: You know what抯 really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross: Yeah, if you抮e really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
Ross: It抯 not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It抯 a museum! What, you抮e the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don抰 know to the waiter.)
[Scene: After dinner.]
Ross: So, Dr. Green, how抯 the old boat.
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow. I抦 sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! It抯 not that bad.
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must抳e added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
Rachel: Yeah. That抯 Daddy.
Ross: That抯 Daddy?! But doesn抰 it bother you? You抮e a waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I抎 be serving him sneezers.
Ross: So?
Rachel: So. Ross, I抳e bugged him about this a million times, he抯 not gonna change.
Ross: You really serve people sneezers?
Rachel: Well um, I don抰.
Dr Green: You kids ready?
Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: All right.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn抰 looking.)
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
Ross: Oh, ah, you don抰 need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross: The carbon, it抯 messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it抯 a sickness really.
Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that.
Ross: I know.
Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I抦 cheap?
Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn抰 mean anything by that, he really didn抰.
Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I抣l tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 憌ethead?
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I抳e never been able to cry as an actor, so if I抦 in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let抯 say I wanna convey that I抳e just done something evil. That would be the basic 慖 have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it?(Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let抯 say I抳e just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that抯 how it抯 done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Joey: Hey-hey.
Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I抦 so proud.
Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
Joey: You bet! What抯 the part?
Student: Oh it抯 great, it抯 a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
(Joey does the ?32 divided by 13 bad news?look.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.]
Rachel: You had to do it, didn抰 you? You couldn抰 just leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there抯 a bug in my food.
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Ross: Yeah, I抦 gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
(they go into Monica and Rachel抯, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I抦, I抦 freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn抰 have! All right, I haven抰 lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Rachel: Um. yeah.
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica抯 room)
Rachel: All right, look, here抯 the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I抣l invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn抰 work.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that抯 why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn抰 make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 慙ike me! Like me tiny doctor!?
Rachel: Okay, well can抰 you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we抮e never gonna get along.
Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don抰 wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)
Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I抣l get the bagels.
[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed) What抯 this?
Phoebe: Isn抰 it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe: I know, you must抳e won like a contest or something!
(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
Monica: Phoebe!
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?
Phoebe: I抦 sorry, okay, I-I wasn抰 looking, and the store says that they won抰 take it back because you signed for it...
Monica: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it抯 all Joey抯 fault, 慶ause he left his nose open!
Monica: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler: Knock, knock.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won抰 notice the bed.
Chandler: Hey, I抦 going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe: It抯 Monica抯 bed. What?
Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It抯 a racecar.
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica抯 bed, what you抮e just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn抰 new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.)
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that抯 not gonna be me, not me.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
Student: No.
Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]
Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Joey: Well, I-I might抳e said supergay.
Chandler: You totally screwed him over.
Monica: Joey, you抮e this guy抯 teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guy抯 so good, and I really, really want this part.
Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it抯 okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.]
Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)
Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Dr. Green: Nice hair. What抎 ya do? Swim here?
Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that抯 it, I can抰 take it anymore.
Rachel: What? What? He抯 interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it抯 hopeless, okay, I抦 just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Look, look I抦 sorry. It抯 just that....
Dr. Green: Ross? What抯 with the neck?
Rachel: He抯 got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
Dr. Green: You抮e still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn抰 get into medical school in Extapa!
Ross: Thank you! That抯 what I keep saying.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
Ross: Uh.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
Rachel: Well that抯 his last name.
Ross: And his first name.
Dr. Green: He抯 Bobby Bobby?
Rachel: It抯 Robert Bobby.
Dr. Green: Oh.
Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
Rachel: With my alignment. I抳e got one leg shorter than the other.
Dr. Green: Oh God!
Ross: Argue with that.
Rachel: What? It抯 true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Dr. Green: Come on! You抮e just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!
Ross: I know that!
Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
Rachel: I抦 sorry, let her?
Ross: What can I do, she doesn抰 listen to me about renter抯 insurance either.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don抰 have renter抯 insurance?!
Rachel: No.
Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
(Both he and Ross start laughing)
Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
Dr. Green: I抎 love some juice. Thanks.
Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?
Rachel: Yeah honey, I抦 standing right there! Why didn抰 you just tell him about the mole I haven抰 got checked yet.
Ross: Excellent!
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when you抣l have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I抦 ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he抯 got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I抦 stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I抦 sorry, I抦 sorry, I抦 sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.]
Jester: Uh, may I help you?
Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I抦 the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.
Jester: Look, it抯 like I told you, there抯 nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.
Jester: Nobody sees the king!
Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I抦 talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room)
Jester: Hey! You can抰 go back there!
(Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.)
Janice: Oh my God.
(Joey fakes a scream.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.]
Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin? (honks the bed抯 little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I抣l leave. My bed抯 so boring.
End
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