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The One With The Jellyfish
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Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don抰 really know what happened with that.
[cut to Phoebe Sr.抯 house, from the last episode]
Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I抦 your mother.
Phoebe: Ehh?
[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.]
Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn抰 go out with a guy like Chandler...
Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)
Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn抰 let it go, and... I don抰 really know what happened with that either.
[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]
Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross抯 new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don抰 know what happened there either...
[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]
Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)
[Scene: The beach house, it抯 the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachel抯 and Bonnie抯 rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]
Ross: (surprised) Hi!
Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!
Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.
Ross: Awww.
Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.
Rachel: Oh, you抮e welcome a million.
Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I抣l see you in our room.
Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)
Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.
Ross: I know.
(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)
Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.
Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!
Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Rachel: Here?! Now?!
Ross: Well, yeah. I can抰-I can抰 stay here all night, and if I go in there she抯-she抯 gonna wanna... do stuff.
Rachel: Well, can抰 you tell her that you are not in the mood?
Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn抰 work either, I can抰 tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...
Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.
Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?
Rachel: I don抰 know.
(they kiss again)
Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn抰 every morning.
Rachel: Oh, making it worse!
Ross: Okay.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.抯 house, it抯 right after she told Phoebe that she抯 her birth mother.]
Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you抎 like to know how it all happened.
Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!
Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn抰 like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.
Phoebe: How close?
Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.
Phoebe: I don抰 even know how that would work!
Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...
Phoebe: (interrupting) I抦 not asking!
Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it抯 like to be eighteen years old?
Phoebe: Yeah. Let抯 see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, I抦 so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn抰 even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don抰 know, you抮e here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I抦 a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn抰 even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I抦 just, I抦 gonna do the same thing to you.
Phoebe Sr.: Wait!
Phoebe: I don抰 ever want to see you again!
(She walks out and slams the door.)
Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where抯 my purse?
[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.]
Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We抮e out of soda.
Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I抣l go out and get you some.
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: Nope! Because I抦 not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who抯 entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?
Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom抯 friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.
(The gang is shocked.)
Chandler: I found a dried up seashores.
Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?
Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who抯 a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go upstairs)
Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don抰 you wanna stay here and talk about it?
Phoebe: No. I抦 just, I wanna, I need to be alone.
(She starts to go upstairs.)
Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!
Monica: Oh.
[Scene: The beach house, Rachel抯 bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.]
Ross: It抯 over.
Rachel: Oh, was it awful?
Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn抰 even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o抍lock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn抰 want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.
(They kiss.)
Rachel: I wrote you a letter.
Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)
Rachel: (handing him the letter) It抯 just some things I抳e been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.
Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, it抯-it抯 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I抎 better get cracking on this baby.
Rachel: Well, I抣l be waiting for you, just come up when you抮e done.
Ross: Okay, I抣l be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.
[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]
Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter)
Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didn抰 you come up?
Ross: Done!
Rachel: You just finished?
Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
Rachel: So umm, does it?
Ross: I抦 sorry.
Rachel: Does it?
Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole 慏oes it??part just another glance.
Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn抰, and if you have to even think about it...
Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don抰, I don抰, I don抰 have to think about it, in fact, I抳e decided, I抳e decided that, that it.......does.
(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the 慏oes it??part in the letter.)
Rachel: Are you sure?
Ross: Oh, sure! I抦 sure.
Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.)
[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]
Chandler: All right, there抯 a nuclear holocaust, I抦 the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?
Monica: Ennnh.
Chandler: I抳e got canned goods.
Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole!
Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.
(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)
Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!
Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!
Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!
Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!
Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!
Monica: It抯 like two miles!
Joey: Yeah, and I抦 a little tired from digging the hole.
Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!
Chandler: We抳e got to do something!
Joey: Well, there抯 really only one thing you can do.
Monica: What?! What is it?!
Joey: You抮e gonna have to pee on it.
Monica: What?!! Gross!!
Joey: Don抰 blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.
Chandler: Y'know what, he抯 right. There抯 something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.
Monica: Well forget it! It doesn抰 hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!
Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.
[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]
Phoebe: Well, I抦 ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod 慪es.? Ohh! That抯 so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod 慛o.? But for you, yay! Ohh.
(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.)
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: How was the beach?
Monica: Nothing, I don抰 know.
Ross: What happened?
Monica: Nothing. I抦 gonna take a shower.
Chandler: Me too!!
Joey: Me too.
Phoebe: Okay, I抦 gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.
Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?
Ross: It does. It really and truly does.
(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she抯 gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the 慏oes it??part.)
Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]
Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say 擶ell...? (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!
Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I抦 gonna break up with you!
Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from the letter) 揑f you accept full responsibility...?(to Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! ?..I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!?
Joey: No?
Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you抮e back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you抮e gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.
Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you抮e right. Yeah I guess I抣l let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.
Joey: Sure, it抯 hard to forget! But that doesn抰 mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about.
Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!
Joey: It抯 between us and the sea, Ross!
(Ross laughs and has a 慍ome on...?look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)
[Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven抰 talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom抯 suicide note.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods 慪es.? Well, do you still have it?
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebe抯 face.)
Phoebe: I can抰 believe you didn抰 tell me there was a suicide note!
Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Phoebe: (reading from the note) 揋ood-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I抣l miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.?You just wrote this!
Ursula: Well, it抯 pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
Phoebe: Noooo!!
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.]
Monica: Pass the cheese, please.
(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)
Monica: My God, you can抰 even look at me! Can you?
Joey: Nope.
(Phoebe enters.)
Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!
Phoebe: No. I抦-I抦 to depressed to talk.
Chandler: I抣l give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.
Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!
Rachel: All right, that抯 it, you guys! What happened out there?
Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.
Ross and Rachel: Come on!
Ross: What happened? Joey?
Joey: All right. (gets up)
Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we抎 never tell!
Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) They抣l never understand!
Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It抯 eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn抰 stand. I-I couldn抰 walk.
Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn抰 think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica抯 shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: I抎 seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!
Monica: You can抰 say that!! You-you don抰 know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn抰...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.)
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!
Joey: That抯 right I stepped up! She抯 my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I抎 pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn抰. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, 揇o it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!?Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.
Joey: (laughs) That抯 慶ause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]
Phoebe: (singing) ?..fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.?(applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away.
Phoebe Sr.: I抣l go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn抰 been a day where I didn抰 regret giving you up.
Phoebe: Okay, bye.
Phoebe Sr.: No, I抦 not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn抰 look you up was, well I was afraid that you抎 react, just well like, the way, the way you抮e reacting right now, and can抰 we just, y'know, start from here?
Phoebe: No.
Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I抦 family, I抦 it. Now, now I抦 done. (starts to leave)
Phoebe: But, it抯 not like we抮e losing anything. Y'know?
Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you抮e right.
Phoebe: It抯 not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don抰 know. I mean it抯 not like we don抰 have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.
Phoebe: I-I like pizza!
Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.
Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!
Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?
Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I抦-I抦 mad at you.
Phoebe Sr.: I know. I抦 mad at me too.
Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I抦 kinda hungry.
Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!
Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you抮e just doing it to freak me out.
[Scene: Rachel抯 bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.]
Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.
Ross: I missed you too.
Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you抳e grown. Y'know?
Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.
Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, 揙nce a cheater, always a cheater.?
Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.
Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn抰 lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]
Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!
Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?
Monica: You bet.
[cut back to Rachel抯 bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]
Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Ross: I didn抰 know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn抰 finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?!!
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?!
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 憏ou are,?Y-O-U-R means 憏our!?
Rachel: Y'know I can抰 believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you抮e at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!
Monica: Hey!!
Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you抮e gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no don抰 you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it抯 not that common! It doesn抰 happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.]
Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin.
Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
Monica: Will you stop!
Chandler: Okay. All right.
Monica: Okay, all right, I think you抮e great, I think you抮e sweet, and you抮e smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.
End
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