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The One With The Ballroom Dancing
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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his wallet.]
Phoebe: Hey! New wallet, huh?
Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn抰 say 慶ool?anymore.
Monica: Rachel!
Rachel: What?
Monica: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge!
Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash? (Hands her the garbage.)
Rachel: Well, I thought you liked doing it. (Rachel starts out the door and stops.)
Monica: Third door on the left.
Rachel: Right!
[Scene: Garbage room: Mr. Treeger is unclogging the trash chute as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
Mr. Treeger:: Hey.
(Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since it抯 so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.)
Mr. Treeger:: What are you doing?
Rachel: Ummm. Oh! I抦 sorry. (She grabs the box and offers him a piece.) It抯 a little old but?
Mr. Treeger:: No! You抮e clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
Rachel: I抦 sorry. I didn抰桰 don抰 come in here a lot.
Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you don抰!
Rachel: No.
Mr. Treeger:: 慍ause you抮e a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me?
Rachel: I didn抰?I never said that.
Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don抰 think of someone else for a change?
Rachel: (starting to cry) Okay, I抦 sorry. (Runs out still carrying the pizza box.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel抯 apartment as Rachel returns in tears.]
Monica: God! If you抮e gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to through it out.]
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her experience in the garbage room.]
Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true.
Joey: I抦 gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.
Monica: Joey, please don抰 do that. I think it抯 best that we just forget about it.
Rachel: That抯 easy for you to say, you weren抰 almost just killed.
Joey: All right that抯 it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the door.)
Monica: (Picking up a card from Chandler抯 wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card?
Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I抳e missed the last 1200 times.
Ross: So why don抰 you quit?
Chandler: You don抰 think I抳e tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria.
Ross: Who is Maria?
Chandler: Oh Maria. You can抰 say no to her, she抯 like this lycra spandex covered gym卼reat.
Ross: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?
Chandler: No!
Ross: So you抮e strong enough to face her on your own?
Chandler: Oh no, you抣l have to come.
[Scene: Treeger抯 apartment, Joey knocks on the door and Treeger opens it.]
Mr. Treeger:: Tribbiani! Hold on, I抣l get the plunger.
Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you抮e gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord.
Mr. Treeger:: And tell him what?
Joey: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968!
Joey: I have actually not heard of that.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I抳e been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don抰 need this grief. I抦 gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother抯 apartment. Your friends are outta here pal.
Joey: Why don抰 you tell me something I don抰 know! (He storms out, and once Treeger closes the door behind him, Joey makes an 慜ops!?have.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, everyone is still eating breakfast.]
Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I don抰 have to go to work today!
Monica: What抯 the matter?
Phoebe: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I抦 not allowed to charge for.
Monica: So do them for free.
Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it抯 against my oath as a masseuse.
Ross: They make you take an oath?
Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one抯 actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
Chandler: Why don抰 you just give him to somebody else?
Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, I抦 a professional. (She starts to leave)
Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
Monica: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up.
Chandler: Because that抯 the only part of you he can see when he抯 on the table!
Monica: You抮e gonna do some feet flirtin?
Phoebe: I don抰 what your talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to leaqve)
Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?!
Phoebe: Because it抯 Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone!
[Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr. Treeger.]
Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened?
Joey: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he抎 better come up here and apologize. I抣l see you later. (Starts to leave)
Monica: What a minute, what did he say?
Joey: He said that he wasn抰 gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he抯 gonna do is have you evicted桰抣l see you later.
Rachel: What?! You got us evicted!!
Monica: I told you not to go down there!
Joey: Well he made Rachel cry!
Monica: Rachel always cries!
Rachel: That抯 not true! (Starts to cry.)
Monica: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you抳e never sucked before!
Joey: All right! I抣l try! But if I can抰, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.
Rachel: Go!!
Joey: All right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave, stops, and turns around) I mean I抣l have to check with him first, but I抣l think he抣l be cool with it. (Monica shoos him out.)
[Scene: Chandler抯 gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership.]
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.
Chandler: Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!
Ross: One more time, "Hey, don抰 you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?"
Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
Ross: Good! That抯 good!
Chandler: Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You wanna quit?
Chandler: I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You do realize that you won抰 have access to our new full service Swedish spa.
Chandler: (He turns to Ross and Ross makes a 態e strong?sound.) I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member?
Ross: Me? No.
Gym Employee: Sorry, members only.
Chandler: (horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym.
Ross: It抯 okay man, be strong. (Chandler goes into the office.)
Gym Employee: (to Ross) So, are you a member of any gym.
Ross: No! And I抦 not gonna be, so you can save you little speech.
Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second?
(This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up)
Woman: Hi, I抦 Maria.
(Ross is at a loss for words.)
[Scene: Heeling Hands Inc., Phoebe抯 work, she is giving a massage to the guy, Rick, she likes.]
Rick: (looking at her feet) Wow, you have really pretty feet.
Phoebe: These old things.
Rick: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it抯 been killing me today.
Phoebe: You mean the桹kay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion.
Rick: Yeah.
Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y択now, real (lifts up the towel) nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area.
Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
Phoebe: Oh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.)
Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me?
Phoebe: No!
[Scene: Mr. Treeger抯 apartment, Joey is there to suck up.]
Mr. Treeger:: What?
Joey: Please don抰 kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn抰 there fault, it was mine.
Mr. Treeger:: You want me to kick you guys out instead?
Joey: No you can抰 do that, where would the chick and the duck live?
Mr. Treeger:: You have pets!
Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I抦 the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. Treeger:: Huh, I would抳e thought it was the other way around.
Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I抣l do whatever you want.
Mr. Treeger:: Really? You抣l do anything?
Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, I抳e got something you can do.
Joey: What, what is it?
Mr. Treeger:: Can you be my dancing partner?
Joey: That抯 not, prison lingo, is it?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and Rachel what he has to do.]
Monica: His dancing partner?!
Joey: Yeah, there抯 this superintendent抯 dance, the Super Ball. I don抰 know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he抯 a crush on.
Rachel: Well, why doesn抰 he practice with a girl?
Joey: Well, he抯 too shy, he doesn抰 thing he抯 good enough to dance with girls yet.
Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that単arbage chute. (Starts to cry)
Monica: Oh, would you let it go already?! You抮e fine!
(Chandler and Ross enter)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit?
Chandler: No, I almost did, couldn抰 leave Ross there without a spotter!
Monica: Wait, now so you joined the gym?
(Rachel starts to laugh.)
Ross: And that抯 funny, why?
Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just y択now working out and umm?Oh, that抯 it.
Chandler: We抮e doomed. Okay, they抮e gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?
Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym.
(Chandler and Ross both laugh)
Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.
Chandler: You抮e a genius!
Joey: Aww, man, now we won抰 be bank buddies!
Chandler: Now, there抯 two reasons.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him.
Rachel: Where?!
Phoebe: On the touchy.
Ross: And that抯 not against your oath?!
Phoebe: No, I know! I-I抦 sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.
Monica: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I抦 doing something exciting and I don抰 wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y択now try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
Chandler: Thank you, Joey.
Joey: No-no, thank you.
[Scene: Treeger抯 apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.]
Joey: All right, I抦 here, let抯 ahh, get this over with.
Mr. Treeger:: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. (Turns on some music)
Joey: Whoa-whoa, don抰 we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk?
Mr. Treeger:: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh.
(Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.)
Mr. Treeger:: Ahhhh! I抦 sorry!
Joey: No, it抯 okay, but if I抦 Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.
Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, forget it! I抣l never be any good at this, my mom was right, I抦 just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.
Joey: Come on man, you抮e not a potato.
Mr. Treeger:: I抦 sure as hell a dancer, it抯 no use Marge will never go for me.
Joey: Come on Treeger, don抰 say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let抯 ahh, let抯 try it again. Come on. (they start dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y択now, I抦 not really that comfortable dancing with a?Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey!
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Monica: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He walks into the kitchen and does a little dance step on the way.)
Rachel: (laughing) What was that?
Joey: What?
Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey: No I didn抰.
Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop.
Rachel: You are soo enjoying this.
Joey: No, I抦 not! And it wasn抰 a hop it was a pademarie.
Monica: (laughing harder) You know the words! You are so into this!
Joey: All right, well maybe I抦 enjoying it a little bit. I mean I抦 getting pretty good at it.
Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes.
Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn抰 some kind of like girly dance. All right, it抯 like a sport, it抯 manly!
Monica: All right, then show me some manly moves.
Joey: All right.
(They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesn抰, and they fumble around for a little bit.)
Joey: I don抰 know how to lead.
[Scene: Ross and Chandler抯 bank, they are there to close their accounts.]
Ross: Hello.
Chandler: Hi.
Ross: We抎 like to close our accounts.
Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem?
Ross: No-no.
Chandler: No, we抎 just like to close them.
Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. (to a beautiful woman) Would you come over here please?
Ms. Lambert: Hi, I抦 Karen.
Chandler: I wanna quit the bank!
[Scene: Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving Rick a massage.]
Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little?Oh no梬ait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick抯 pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that抯 working.
(The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. Time lapse. The clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving Rick his massage.)
Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Chandler抯 knees. Chandler抯?ankles. Chandler抯 ankle hair. (notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, you抮e all set.
Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?!
Phoebe: Yeah! In?really long hour world.
Rick: What?
Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you抮e a client, I can抰 ask you out, even though you give me y択now, the feeling.
Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse.
Phoebe: Really?!
Rick: Yeah, really.
(They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.)
Phoebe: What?
Rick: Suddenly, I very aware that I抦 naked.
Phoebe: (laughs) Okay, quit down. (they start to kiss again)
(Suddenly, Phoebe抯 boss, Mrs. Potter, and a client, Mr. Simon, enters.)
Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon抯 been waiting for?sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God!
Mr. Simon: Why wasn抰 I offered that? I抎 definitely pay more for that.
Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn抰 that kind of place.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn抰 what it looks like, 慶ause Rick is my ahh, husband.
Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you抎 better tell his other wife, 慶ause she called three times asking where he is.
Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of their bank woes.]
Monica: So you didn抰 leave the bank?
Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for?!
Chandler: To pay for the gym.
(Phoebe enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.
Joey: What?!
Rachel: You got fired?!
Monica: Oh my Gosh!
Phoebe: It抯 so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!
Rachel: Sweety...
Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y択now? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It抯 been a really bad day, whore wise.
(There抯 a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.)
Mr. Treeger:: Hey Duck, is Chick here?
Chandler: Yeah?Bunny-rabbit.
Joey: (To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our last practice?
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but y択now, I think the reason we抮e not getting that spin right is because my apartment抯 too small.
Joey: Look, you wanna use our place?
Mr. Treeger:: No, I ahh, had another idea.
[Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are dancing happily to ^Night and Day^.]
Joey: We did it!!
Mr. Treeger:: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?!
Joey: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful.
Mr. Treeger:: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, (checks watch). Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
Joey: Oh well, okay, good luck.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.
Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?
Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I抦 ready to dance with girls.
Joey: Okay.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.
Joey: Go get 慹m Treeger.
Mr. Treeger:: Right. (Starts to leave) Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend.
Joey: (intrigued) Really?
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she抯 the same size as me.
Joey: No, I抦 good.
(Treeger leaves, and Joey抯 dances off.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Lara and Jeni抯 Massage, Phoebe is interviewing for a job.]
Interviewer: So it looks like you抳e got some great experience here. Let抯 see ahh, reason for leaving last job?
Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore.
Interviewer: Okay, we抣l give a call if anything comes up.
Phoebe: Great! Thank you very much.
(The interviewer watches her leave with an 慜h my goodness?face.)
End
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