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The One Where They抮e Gonna PARTY!
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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are showing everyone the van they bought for the catering business. It抯 an old Dodge van, that has a cartoon woman riding on a dragon painted on the side of it.]
Phoebe: Okay!
Monica: Come on, no peeking! (They are leading the gang out with there hands over their eyes.)
Chandler: Our eyes are closed and we抮e about to cross the street. Very good.
Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up!
(They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.)
Ross: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van!
Phoebe: Yeah, it抯 for our catering business!
Joey: I think I know that girl.
Monica: All right, umm, we抮e not gonna really keep it this way though.
Rachel: No?
Phoebe: No, we抮e gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette.
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: And also, we don抰 know what to do with this. (She turns on a switch and the girl抯 nipples light up.)
Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all there.]
Monica: (to Phoebe) Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that put cilantro with everything?
Phoebe: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry.
Monica: Well, I抦 gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter.
Monica: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence?dozens of people.
Phoebe: How could you say yes, what about our catering business?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, it抯 only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners.
All: Yay!!
Phoebe: Oh, in that case?hops up and down in joy)梇ay! (Monica looks confused) That was me hopping on board.
Monica: Oh.
Chandler: (entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?
Ross: I don抰 know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there抯 this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch.
Chandler: No-no, I don抰 think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!
Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town?
Chandler: Kathy抯 with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude!
Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party!
Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy?
Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world.
Chandler: I抦 gonna call and get off work tomorrow!
Ross: I抦 gonna call after you!
Chandler: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!
Chandler and Ross: Woooo!!!
Monica: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?
Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?
Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard!
Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf?
Ross: Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused) Hello! Didn抰 you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, Rachel and Sophie are sitting at their desks working as Joanna walks in.]
Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There抯 an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss?
Joanna: (interrupting) Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me.
Rachel: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and?
Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can抰 stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons.
Rachel: God, I am so glad you don抰 have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn抰 even consider applying.
Joanna: Really? Well, in that case?
Rachel: (interrupting) And that抯 I抦 so glad?there抯 no problem.
Joanna: That抯 fine, actually I抦 on the hiring committee, so there抣l be at least one friendly face.
Rachel: Ohh! That抯 great!
Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job.
Rachel: Really?!
Joanna: No-ho-ho! (pause) Yeah. (pause) I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don抰 you worry, I抦 sure with your qualifications you won抰 need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing.
Rachel: Well, I, umm?
Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready to party.]
Chandler: Oh man! I am so excited桰 may vomit!
Joey: Will you calm down, he抯 just a human guy.
Chandler: Look you don抰 understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y択now you抮e never know what抯 gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!
Joey: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah, it抯 beautiful country up there.
Ross: (entering) Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit!
Chandler: It抯 not gonna be exactly like last time.
Joey: All right, I抣l see you guys.
Chandler and Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa!
Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
Joey: I have an audition, but I抣l definitely hook up with you later. Where are you gonna be around noon?
Ross: Somewhere maybe along the equator?
Joey: Okay. (leaves as the phone rings)
Chandler: (answering it) Hello. (listens) (to Ross) It抯 Gandolf!!! (on phone) So, are you in town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well maybe next time then. (Hangs up)
Ross: What happened?
Chandler: He抯 not gonna make it, he抯 stuck in Chicago.
Ross: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky!
Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money!
[Scene: Bloomingdale抯, Rachel is meeting with Mr. Posner, Mrs. Lynch, and Joanna the hiring committee.]
Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system.
Rachel: Thank you.
Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? (to the committee) It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets.
Rachel: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that.
Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you抳e been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities.
Rachel: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me.
Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It抯 amazing how she gets it right almost every time!
Rachel: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that.
Joanna: Oh yes, well there抯 the coffee too. (to the committee) Rachel can carry two things at once!
Mr. Posner: Yes, that抯 very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers.
Rachel: Yes, I realize that?
Joanna: (interrupting) And Rachel shouldn抰 have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: I love working with designers!
Joanna: With them, under them, what抯 the difference? Eh, Rach?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is there as Monica enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.]
Monica: Hey! My first review is out!
Phoebe: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm.
Monica: All right, look at my on the back page.
Phoebe: Oh, okay! (reading) "Would I go back to Allesandro抯? Sure, but I抎 have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head." (to Monica) Wow! You really laid into this place.
Monica: Hey, they don抰 pay me a penny a word to make friends.
Phoebe: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering.
Monica: Oh! Do you need me to go with you?
Phoebe: No-no, it抯 okay. But are we sure we don抰 want the waterbed?
Monica: Haven抰 we made this decision?
Phoebe: Yeah, all right. (starts to leave)
Monica: Bye!
Phoebe: Bye!
(The intercom buzzes.)
Monica: (answering it) Who is it?
Allesandro: It抯 Allesandro, from Allesandro抯.
Monica: Oh my God.
Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review.
Monica: Oh my God, oh my God. (on intercom) Call me on the phone!
Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me?
Monica: Look, I-I抦 never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away.
Allesandro: Just give me a chance too?
Phoebe: (on intercom) Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go.
Monica: No! Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey, Monica!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill!
Monica: I couldn抰 eat it! I had five friends who couldn抰 eat it, and one of them eats books.
Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent.
Monica: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants!
Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we do not!
Monica: All right, that I抣l retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasn抰 it. You抮e marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery.
Allesandro: Hey! I抦 proud of that sauce, it抯 delicious.
Monica: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where are you even from?
Allesandro: (shyly) Lebanon.
Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, I抦 gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them.
Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? 慍ause I got another critic to go yell at.
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, Rachel is confronting Joanna about her interview.]
Rachel: (entering Joanna抯 office) Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that interview.
Joanna: I thought it went very well.
Rachel: No! It didn抰! That抯 what I want to talk to you about. (starts to break up) Now, just to brief you?(starts to cry) I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you.
Joanna: Rachel, please, don抰 make a scene.
Rachel: There抯 nobody here!
Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie enters) You see! Now you抮e making Sophie uncomfortable!
Sophie: She抯 not making me uncomfortable.
Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. (Sophie starts to cry and leaves)
Rachel: Do you want me to quit?
Joanna: What?! What would make you think that?
Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y択now what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, (She goes over to get all of her belongings from the desk, which amount to a muffin and a pen) and I will be gone by the end of the day! (Realizes she has nothing.) Well, I guess there抯 no use to me sticking around 憈il the end of the day! (Starts to leave.)
Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in it抯 drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn抰 want to lose a perfectly good assistant.
Rachel: What?
Joanna: That抯 why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking?
Rachel: My drinking?
Joanna: Oh, I must抳e said that after you left.
Rachel: Said what? Exactly.
Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink卛ng binge.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I抦 leaving! You are just a horrible person!
Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you抮e gonna get all sensitive about it! I don抰 want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I抣l make you an assistant buyer in this department.
Rachel: Say more things like that.
Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow.
Rachel: I抎 need an expense account.
Joanna: Done!
Rachel: And an assistant.
Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie peeks in around the corner)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you抎 be out partying with Gandel-worf.
Ross: It抯 Gandolf, and he抯 not coming.
Joey: So you抳e been sittin?around here all mornin?
Ross: No! I balanced my checkbook.
Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players.
Ross: I can抰 believe he didn抰 come!
Joey: So what if he didn抰 come! We can still go out and party ourselves!
Chandler: Oh-no, y択now with Gandolf we抎 be out all night!
Ross: Yeah! We抎 meet, we抎 meet total strangers, and hang out with them!
Joey: Well, we could do that!
Ross: There抯 other stuff too.
Joey: We抣l do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Yeah!!
Joey: Yeah!!
Ross: It抯 not like we don抰 know how to party!!
Joey: Yeah! All right? Let抯 go!
Chandler: And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again?
Joey and Ross: Yeah!!!
Chandler: All right!!
Ross: (to Chandler) Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat?
Chandler: Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Well, those were seals, man.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is entering, excited.]
Rachel: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on an assistant buyer?
Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandro抯 came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!!
Rachel: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way home, but I抦 soo happy!
Monica: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen!
Rachel: Ohh, you抳e waited soo long.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale抯?
Phoebe: I don抰 know, it would totally depend on her coloring and?(realizes) You got the job!!
Rachel: Yes!!!
Monica: You got the job?! Why didn抰 you tell me?
Rachel: Ohh, it抯 gonna be so great! I抦 gonna get to help decide what we sell, I抦 gonna have an office with walls and everything. (turns to Monica) I抦 gonna have walls!
Phoebe: Okay, is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job! The wedding reception.
Monica: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk to you about that. (Rachel excuses herself) Umm, well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a step back from catering.
Phoebe: But we抳e only had one job.
Monica: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like it抯 snowballing, y択now?
Phoebe: Yeah! What are you saying?
Monica: I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro抯.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: It抯 okay, 慶ause y'know what? You don抰 really need me for the business.
Phoebe: You抮e the cook! With out you it抯 just me driving up to people抯 houses with empty trays and asking for money!
Monica: All right. But umm, I-I-I抣l pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van.
Phoebe: For what? I can抰 believe this! I gotta get out of here. (leaves)
Monica: Phoebe, wait a minute! (runs after her, leaving Rachel alone)
Rachel: I抦 an assistant buyer!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, and Chandler are making a pit stop on their party tour.]
Joey: All right, so we抣l get a little coffee, and get energized, and we抣l head back out.
Chandler: Yeah, all right.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: So, we抮e having fun, right?
Chandler and Ross: Yeah.
Joey: We don抰 need that wizard guy. We hit a couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh, after this, we抣l head down to the docks and see about that boat thing.
Ross: I抦 kinda beat.
Chandler: Actually, me too.
Joey: Are you serious?!
Chandler and Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Thank God! I抦 exhausted!
Gunther: So you guys want coffees?
Joey: Yeah, but uh, I don抰 want to be up too late, so uh, I抣l have a decaf.
Ross: Yeah, me too.
Chandler: Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud?
Joey: I can抰 hear a word you抮e saying, my ears are ringing so bad.
Ross: I抦 just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y択now? I used them as mittens, I didn抰 want to touch a thing in that last place.
(pause)
Ross: How sad are we?
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: Y択now what? We抮e not sad, we抮e not sad, we抮e just not 21 anymore. Y択now? I抦 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
Joey and Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends.
Chandler and Ross: Yeah!
Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath!
Joey: We抮e 29, we抮e not women.
[Scene: Central Perk, the next day, Phoebe is there.]
Monica: (entering) Ohh, here you are. Y択now, I抦-I抦 glad you decided to hear me out.
Phoebe: Okay, I抦 hearing.
Monica: I抳e been doing a lot of thinking. A lot! And umm, well, I came up with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm, you could be flower delivery person.
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: Or! A bakery delivery person.
Phoebe: I wa-I wa-I wa?
Monica: Pizza?!
Phoebe: Monica!
Monica: All right, I抳e got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but umm, I抦 getting the feeling that you don抰 want to deliver.
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Okay. I抦 guessing that if you don抰 want to deliver, you probably don抰 want to pick stuff up either.
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Y択now what, let抯 do the catering business.
Phoebe: Really?! Are you sure?
Monica: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to you. Y択now what, it抎 be, it抎 be fun.
Phoebe: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay, ooh, let抯 plan the wedding reception. (She grabs the notebook which Monica used for her ideas and starts flipping page after page after page after page after page to find a blank one.) Wow! You really wanted me to do something with this van. (pause) Y択now what, I want you to take the chef job.
Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah. That抯 what you really want. Yeah, I don抰 want to be the reason you抮e unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I really don抰 want to be the reason I抦 unhappy.
Monica: Thank you.
Phoebe: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new A-Team.
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, she is coming in for the day carrying a picture for her new office. Mrs. Lynch is coming out of Joanna抯 office, carrying a box.]
Rachel: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already?
Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You haven抰 heard!
Rachel: Heard what?
Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night.
Rachel: Oh my God! How?!
Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she was hit by a cab.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, I cannot believe it!
Mrs. Lynch: I know!
Rachel: Oh, God. Oh, God. (gets worried) Oh God.
Mrs. Lynch: I didn抰 realize that she was so close.
Rachel: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of us. But by any chance did Joanna send any paperwork your way before?it happened.
Mrs. Lynch: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had just stepped off that curb a few seconds later.
Rachel: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and she抎 still be with us梟othing about an assistant buyer?
Mrs. Lynch: (starting to cry) No, I抦 sorry. I have to go. (She leaves as Sophie arrives.)
Sophie: (happily) Good morning!
Rachel: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didn抰 hear about Joanna?
Sophie: I sure did! (smiles)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica抯 new kitchen, Allesandro is introducing her to her new employees.]
Allesandro: I抦 so excited about having Monica come on board with us. Although I do feel bad about having fired chef Emillio, it抯 like losing a member of the family. Of course, that literally is the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie, please, tell your father how much we抮e gonna miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place, well, you all read the review. So without much further ado, I present to you our new head chef.
Monica: Umm, I just wanna say, uh (reads from a 3 X 5 card) that with a pinch of exictement, a dash of hard work, a dollup of cooperation, we can have the recipe... (Looks up and sees eveyone glaring at her) Are you gonna kill me?
End
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