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The One With All The Rugby
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Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun
Story by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms? Well, it scares me.).]
Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!
Rachel: Chandler, there抯 a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)
Chandler: That抯 a mailman! That抯 our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Rachel: Chandler, don抰 worry! This doesn抰 make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
Rachel: Hmm.
Woman: OH匨Y匞AWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It抯 Janice.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?
Joey: Ohh, Nothing.
Monica: Didn抰 it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?
Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.
Monica: They wouldn抰 have put it there if it didn抰 do something! How can you not care?
Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)
Rachel: Well, here抯 another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?
Joey: Sure! It flushes it.
Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?
Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)
Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!
Monica: Janice?!
Chandler: Isn抰 this amazing?
Monica: How have you been?
Janice: Oh well, I抦 divorced.
Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.
Janice: Yeah, I抦 riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)
Joey: And there it is.
Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I抣l see you tonight.
Chandler: Okay. Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: B-bye!
Janice: Bye-bye.
Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it抯 closed) I can抰 stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality梂ell, they抮e all back! Y択now? And she抯 picked up like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There抯 people here!
Chandler: Don抰 worry about it. I抦 taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don抰 have to break up with her this time. We抮e not involved! I抦 going to do a pre-emptive strike! I抦 going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)
Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I抦 tellin?ya!
[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]
Emily: I can抰 believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.
Ross: No, it抯 really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe.
(At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.)
Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!
Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross.
Devon: Hey, mate.
Liam: How are ya man?
Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help!
Emily: So how are you? I抳e been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I抳e been rather busy.
Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert?
Emily: Oh my God. I think you抮e right.
Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning.
Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)
Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something梠r should I call it (In an English accent) football?
Devon: We were playing rugby.
Liam: In fact we抮e playing a game at the park tomorrow. You抮e welcome to play too if you want.
Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don抰 think so.
Ross: What抯 ah, what抯 so funny about that?
Emily: Well I mean, you抮e American to start with. You don抰 even have rugby here.
Ross: Well, we didn抰 have freedom here until 1776, either so?
Devon: So good then! We抣l see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!
Liam: Cheers!
Ross: Cheers!
(Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would抳e thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh)
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I抦 just getting out of a very serious relationship?
Janice: I know! And I抦 just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!
Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time.
Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!
Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?
Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That抯 right, yes, I抦 being transferred to Yemen!
Janice: When?
Chandler: I don抰 know exactly.
Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
Chandler: But I do know that it抯 some time tomorrow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]
Monica: Done?
Phoebe: Yep!
Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! What抯 up?
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don抰 work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.
Rachel: Y択now, you-you also could抳e used uh, lamps and then followed the light.
Monica: Yeah, well, I抦 using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it抯 Joey.)
Rachel: It抯 coming from Joey!
Phoebe: Oh my God, that抯 so freaky! Turn him off!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.
Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I抦 watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don抰 know what the big deal is. I抦 man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, you抮e not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.
Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!
Ross: (shocked) Hey!
Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.
Chandler: Y択now uh, you didn抰 really have to help me pack.
Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn抰 really leave me much choice. Did you?
Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!
Joey: Hey-hey, what抯 going on?
Chandler: Oh, I抦 packing. Y択now I抦-I抦 packing 慶ause I抦 moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Joey: Thanks for telling me!
(Janice runs into the bedroom.)
Chandler: I抦 only going to pretend I抦 moving to Yemen, it抯 the only way I can get rid off her.
Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.
Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I抦 gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It抯 a real space saver.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that 慶ause it makes me look taller.
Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!
Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can抰 believe you said you抎 play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!
Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?
Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.
Ross: That抯 慶ause-慶ause you抮e mom抯 dog kept-kept looking at me.
Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That抯 called a scrum, okay? It抯 kinda like a huddle.
Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?
Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They抮e gonna kill you!
Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?
Ross: Well, you should抳e seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he抯 like Joe Rugby.
Phoebe: You抮e kidding! And he plays rugby?! That抯 so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.
Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I抦 gonna show her how tough I really am!
Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I抦 sorry. I抦 sorry. You抮e right, you are a tough guy. You抮e the toughest palaeontologist I know.
Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It抯 not like he抯匔handler!
Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
Ross: Look, don抰 worry about me. Okay? I抣l just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I抣l uh, I抣l be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)
All: Oh!
Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin?at him.
(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]
Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one桪ude! They抮e all huge!
Ross: They don抰 look any bigger than me!
Joey: Well, maybe that抯 because you抮e closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.
Emily: I抦 just going to say hi to the lads. All right?
Ross: All right.
Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)
(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.
(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)
Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.
(The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)
Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I抳e got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe don抰 know what he抯 talking about.) Y択now, Red Ross!
Joey: I totally don抰 know what you抮e talking about.
Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!
Joey: No.
Ross: You抣l see.
[Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]
Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it抯 his first time.
Liam: You don抰 say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.)
Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.
(The scrum forms and the game is underway.)
Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!
(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)
Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!
(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)
Ross: JOEY!!!!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel抯, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: You卆re卬ot going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened?
Monica: He asked you out?!
Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
Monica: Saucy!
Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?
Monica: Electrical plans for the building.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?
Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.
Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.
[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]
Chandler: Y択now you, really didn抰 have to take me to the airport.
Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y択now? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don抰 really seem to care too much that you抮e leaving.
Chandler: Well, we抮e really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
Janice: On no! No! It抯 not good-bye, I抦 not leaving until you get on that plane.
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it抯 just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
Ticket Counter Attendant: I抦 sorry sir, I don抰 understand.
Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child?
Chandler: No. All right, y択now what, she抯 (Points to Janice) gonna think that I抦 handing you a credit card, but what I抦 really gonna do is hand you a library card.
Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don抰 take library cards.
Janice: What抯 the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]
Emily: I can抰 believe they抮e doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him!
Phoebe: No offence but, y択now sometimes it抯 hard to understand you, y択now with the accent, so?
(The whistle blows.)
Emily: That抯 just halftime, there抯 more of this.
(Ross limps over all covered in mud.)
Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game!
Emily: Right.
Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water?
Emily: Okay.
Ross: Thanks. (When she抯 gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I抦 dying. I really do.
Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.
Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun!
Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!
Ross: (whines "No.") That抯 not true!
Phoebe: She抯 right! You have to stop!
Ross: What? No! No, I抦 not stopping. I抦 Red Ross!
Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you抮e gonna be Dead Ross!
Ross: I don抰 care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game!
Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you.
Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.
Emily: No. That抯 not what I抦 saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain.
Ross: I like that.
Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle.
Ross: Huh?
Emily: One swift kick and he抣l back off.
Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn抰 wear a cup.
Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay!
Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam抯 got bad knees. You hit him right and he抣l go down like a lamp.
Ross: But-but, Liam抯 on my team.
Emily: I don抰 care! You just get him!
Ross: I抦 gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.)
Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel抯, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren抰 there originally.) What-what are-what are these?
Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they抎 brighten up the place. They do don抰 you think?
(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)
Monica: No-no-no, no!
(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn抰 have a hole underneath it.)
Monica: I know that there抯 no hole there, I just really liked that picture.
(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!
Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!
Rachel: I don抰 care! The wires have come loose in your head!
Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.
Rachel: And did you?!
Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.
(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)
Monica: But it didn抰. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.
Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]
Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don抰 want to go see a doctor?
Ross: Oh no! That-that抣l just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y択now what? I抦 buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it抯 in my pocket.
Joey: Yeah, sure.
Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)
Joey: Uhh, look, your eye抯 still popping out a little, I抦 gonna go get some ice.
Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.)
Emily: You were amazing out there.
Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn抰 I?
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven抰 done that since I was four and I washed my dad抯 Porsche with rocks.
Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn抰 you?
Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose桰 mean I-I抦 not proud of it but, I really am. And it抯 all because of you, wonderful, amazing you.
Emily: I think you抳e got concussion.
Ross: No, no, I抦 serious. Thank you.
Emily: You抮e welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) I抦 sorry. Did I hurt you?
Ross: It抯 worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Y択now what, you know what? It抯 not.
[Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.]
Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I抣l wait for you. Do you even know how long you抮e going to be gone?
Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.
Janice: Oh. Well, I抣l right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.
Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: No!
Janice: Chandler!
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off.
Chandler: Well, I then guess I抦 going to Yemen! I抦 going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel抯, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
Monica: All right. The super couldn抰 figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn抰 figure out what it did. I抳e had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up.
Rachel: Thank God.
Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.
[Cut to Chandler and Joey抯, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
Phoebe: See? I抦 doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.
End
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